How is your significant Other holding up during this pregnancy?

Dax28

I'm trying to be more active here since I've been a little MIA because of the holidays.

DH is having more of a hard time with this pregnancy than I am. I have had minimal symptoms and it seems that he has all of them (nausea, losing 20 pounds, not sleeping well, digestive issues . . .)

This week he finally came out and revealed that he thinks he is depressed. I've been suspecting since October that something was off. But he worked 16 hour days for two months and I thought it was temporary.

I feel really terrible for him, he really isn't himself and he feels worth less and that he should be "above this" because we do have a great life. He is afraid it will get worse after baby is born. Also, feels guilty that he is not as happy for the baby as he should be and that he should be helping me more around the house. 

We had a rough year. We had two miscarriages in March and May. And his dad's cancer returned, this time is terminal.

I told him that I will be there for him no matter what. He doesn't need to worry about me or baby right now ( baby is healthy and I'm doing great symptom and emotionaly wise). That it is a chemical imbalance and he can't help how he feels. I suggested professional help, and he said he needs time to figure things out first.

rachelmiller03

Wow, that sounds really difficult, for both you and him. I'm not sure if you are looking for advice, but it sounds like he is going through some major life changes (baby on the way, father terminally ill, etc. and I'm sure there is more you didn't mention) and depression is common with those. I would really encourage you to encourage him to go talk to someone. Maybe the two of you could go together at first until he is comfortable going himself.

HGRich

I'm so sorry. That's so stressful. I agree with @rachelmiller03 that you all have just had a rough year and he shouldn't feel ashamed that he's struggling with all the change and difficulty. I'm glad he's admitted it to you and I'm glad you're doing well yourself. Counseling I always recommend, so I hope after he takes some time to process it, he might try that option. I'll be thinking of you both. 

cafedisco

@Dax28 I'm generalizing, but I think it can be especially hard for men to admit they may be suffering from a mental illness.  So huge kudos to yours for being willing to say it.  That's huge.  I think mamas may put ourselves last quite often, but you rarely hear anyone talk about self-care for men/dads.  I also am a huge fan of counseling and would suggest him trying to find someone he's comfortable with now before baby arrives.  Those newborn days are exhausting and even the most "with it" people can feel depression due to the strain.  Trying to find a therapist amidst all that would be very hard...

My DH and I actually had a similar talk recently. He's been acting very grumpy and just irritable lately. I don't think he's depressed, but he's not well, if that makes sense. We talked about us prioritizing his self-care (working out, time with friends) just like we do mine. I know my H does such a phenomenal job taking care of me, especially during pregnancy, we can both forget that it puts a drain on him too. 

Magheeta

@Dax28 - echoing what the others have said. DH was struggling earlier this year as well, and after many tough talks, he finally decided to reach out and get some help. The decision to get help alone made a huge difference in his attitude and confidence level. It's like once they see that it's no big deal to admit there's an issue, they're through the hardest part. 

I struggled with PPD after my first pregnancy and was very stubborn about getting help. I think having gone through that together helped DH feel confident about reaching out, too. 

As for how he's handling this pregnancy, he's so much more connected than the first time around. I know I've mentioned it before, but it's like he needed to experience parenthood first before he could understand the anticipation of it all. Now he's more proactive in checking in and asking about pregnancy-related things. 

I hope you guys can continue to stay connected and have lots of good conversations going forward. There may be some growing pains for the time being, but keep doing what you're doing in supporting and encouraging him. 

Dax28

Thank you everyone for your thoughtsful responses.

There is definitely a lot to process for both DH. This has been the hardest year of our eight being together. I plan to give him till the end of January to go over things, then I will discuss gettind counseling once again. If needed I want to get him some help before baby arrives. Luckily we have family who lives close by to help with baby if things become desperate.

Has a stressful job that pays really well with good insurance. He will be able to take 6-8 weeks of paid paternity leave in April, which I'm really greatful for. His job also has a program for "stress leave" that he may take for 6 months without fear of being fired, he may have to go that route as well.

we will take this one day at a time. I'm proud of him for coming to me and letting me know. His family has a history of substance abuse and mental disease, so he is already sensitive of how bad things can get.

I will be starting maternity leave January 28th for 6 months so I plan to support him as much as possible. Will make sure he eats high calorie nutritious food, we are getting him a gym membership which may help with the insomnia, and trying to get him out and about with friends.

Nolegirl1185

@Dax28 I agree with what so many have said.  Props to your DH for admitting to you about how he feels.  It's so hard for men to feel vulnerable and deal with things they can't control.  And great job on dealing with it all so well.  I'm happy to hear you have paternity leave and stress leave options on top of your 6 months. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to be supportive. 

Omie_Wise

I'm currently in counseling dealing with emotional issues connected to my pregnancy and it's so, so helpful. I'm really keyed into my mental health needs but my DH has been really verbally  and physically appreciative to me regarding my therapy. It's definitely been encouraging to come home from an appointment and have him be thankful that I'm taking care of myself.

I also like to point out to people that therapy is not just sitting and discussing your problems. A good therapist will help you develop coping mechanisms and offer alternative perspectives. It's honestly comparable to physical therapy where you work during your appointment and then have things to work on in between sessions. He's pulled an emotional muscle from all of the craziness of the last year and he might benefit from someone outside of his everyday to help him work it out. 

Nolegirl1185

My DH has been very supportive of me.  He goes out of his way to get me things even more than he used to, he does all the running around, fills the car with gas etc.  I will say that the house is not looking good.  I'm able to do less and less as the weeks go by and he is not a cleaner at all.  I have to make sure I don't comment on aches and pains often because he worries so much. I mentioned having Braxton Hicks for the first time the night I found out a student of mine passed and he was almost insistent I call the Dr or go to the hospital until I convinced him it was normal.  Then when I called to tell him my Dr was sending me to the hospital for monitoring but that I was totally fine, he was going to leave work and I had to talk him out of it.  He cancelled all plans this weekend to stay with me to make sure the medication works and I don't have any side effects.  It's kinda cute lol, but Lord help us both when the baby is on his way - my hubby is gonna lose it!

@Omie_Wise I'm so glad to hear your DH is supportive and that you are so in tune with yourself.  This will help tremendously with any possible PPD problems.

WkoutMomtoBe

My hubby has been amazing. He is so compassionate, understanding and supportive.

It's been a crazy 6 months: I'm pregnant, he loses job, I started master's degree program, he gets job...out of state, we are moving. Then it's getting house ready (lots of fun things that came with that *sarcasm*) , finding house there, I was moderate risk and seeing mfm. My sister was hot mess that I had to ignore...etc etc.

He's been a rock and is so into everything: classes, what foods I can't eat, what foods I need. The first trimester was awful so he basically did it all: kept up house and cooked. Plus his new job which was=is a huge learning curve!

I can't wait to be moved and settled in (in 3 weeks....I'll be 34 weeks). I'm sure he can't wait either.

davis7912

My partner is completely opposite of your helpful hubbies. I'm happy for you all!

As for me,  I'm so very lonely with this pregnancy. I ask for DH time  and attention consistently, but rejected by him 90% of the time.  I can ask for anything from a date night to a simple foot rub and he manages to stay so busy that he's too exhausted by the end of the night or he comes home after I'm in bed.  I've stopped asking for TLC or any type of affection at this point bc I know he does not desire the closeness we once had and I'm over the constant rejection.  I feel as if I'm of no importance to him at all, which hurts my heart so bad.

I'm  not sure what to do at this point... I do do my best to stay positive and focus on my pregnancy. 

shaunessa

@davis7912

I'm so sorry your hubs hasn't been very attentive.  I would definitely put my foot down though and tell him growing a baby is no easy task.  Try to make him understand that the baby is a part of him and if he wants a healthy baby with a healthy momma, he's going to need to put in some effort.  Tell him to grow up and quit being so selfish!

smoochie041719

@davis7912 I'm sorry to hear you and hubby aren't connecting and you're feeling alone have you tried telling him how it's affecting you? 

jennielynn+

@davis7912 I'm so sorry you feel this way while pregnant. I am the one in our relationship that is not so touchy feely. Our dog and toddler kind of max me out on physical touch during the day. My husband was honest with me and said he notices. He wants more but, understands why it is not so, easy for me right now. I respect him enough to make the extra effort. Maybe start by sending him a cute text every morning? Just to let him know you are thinking of him. Maybe he can take the cue and will start feeling the warm fuzzies again? Ugh, such a hard place to be. 

smallanimal

I love this thread.  Read through every post so far.  

@davis7912 Really sorry to hear that you are struggling with hubby.  Has he always been disengaged?  He might have something else going on, or trying to cope with something different?  Maybe he is scared about what comes when the baby comes?  Men get scared a lot, then hide it.  It sucks to feel alone.  Thinking of you!!!

@dax28 It does sound like there is a lot to cope with for your husband.  Hope he gets some help.  I also think that sometimes a bit of a time out can also help.  Can he head off for a weekend with some mates?  It works wonders for me when I am overwhelmed (when I am not pregnant, of course).  I organised a paris trip for my husband so that he can see some of his brothers and friends before the baby comes, think he will like being away a few days and recharge.

I realised, having read the thread, that I got so self absorbed that I didnt even consider how the pregnancy is affecting my DH.  Purely because logic dictates that "he cant have it any more difficult than I do".  But actually, he is doing a lot, extremely supportive, deals with my anxiety and mood swings and does a lot of work I can no longer do.  Last week there was some work related stress coming his way and combined with the pregnancy, It did start to wear him down a little bit.   He is still super lovely and positive (I got flowers yesterday! amazing roses!!!!!!), but reading all what you guys said, I decided I will give him some extra tlc

schef070911

Same @smallanimal - I get so caught up in preparation for the baby/dealing with my own rollercoaster of emotions that it's easy for me to forget to check in with DH.  He's going through a lot right now - making preparations to graduate in May AND finding a job post-graduation that hopefully lines up well with his post-grad school hopes and dreams.  PLUS the anxiety that comes with being a first-time parent.  I know some days it gets to him more than others. 

I also have to be careful because while *I* feel better when I vent to him, I think he sometimes feels worse/more anxious after I do so.  e.g. earlier this week I was having a freakout moment and I told him our child is six weeks from being full-term - his eyes got really big and he got really quiet.  I felt kinda bad about it.

@davis7912 Have you ever read "The 5 Love Languages" (can't remember the author, I apologize)? The basic premise is that we generally show love to people the same way that we like to be shown love, and when two partners don't show love in the same ways it can lead to miscommunication.  Example: DH's "love language" is words of encouragement, whereas mine is acts of service. So I can do laundry, handle the dishes, run errands, etc. for DH until I'm blue in the face, but he doesn't necessarily see those things as signs that I love him... what really speaks to him is the little note I put in his lunchbox telling him how amazing he is.  I bring it up (and I could be totally off base here) because reading through your post, it seems like your husband may not understand how much those little things you're asking for mean to you?  e.g. he is not speaking your "love language". Sorry for the essay and if I'm way off track here... it was just a thought that occurred to me.        

HGRich

@schef070911 @davis7912 Gary Chapman is the author. I have that book right in front of me as I prepare a premarital class for this coming weekend at work. 

@davis7912 I'm so sorry you're not on the same page. I think I agree with @smallanimal about how he might be doing this to cope. My mom told me that shortly after I was born my dad went almost a month barely talking to her. It really scared her but he just needed to process. Personally I wouldn't have let him go so long as my mom did, but I'm also a confrontational person. I hope you two are able to talk. There are some great marriage books, and counseling is always a recommendation though I know some can't afford it. 

I'm bad about dumping things on DH. I verbally process my emotions all the time and it gets difficult for him to carry that weight on top of his own stresses and I need to be more aware of his silent processing. But once this illness of his is over and we really buckle down on the nursery and nesting, I hope we'll also get some good time together to just talk about what will be different after baby when it comes to finances, intimacy, etc. We've done some of that but it gets lost in the practical aspects of baby prep too. And he's got a huge project at work that's about to ramp up right in the final weeks before she's due, and I'm trying to prepare myself to be understanding that sometimes late nights are necessary, much as I hate them. 

KirstinH88

DH and I just took the 5 love languages quiz! Pretty interesting. I have three of the love languages tied for 1st place (what can I say, I'm needy), whereas DH has a very clear cut winner. Definitely gives perspective on what is important to our partners. 

Omie_Wise

@HGRich I am a verbal processor too! I am constantly talking to myself...in the car...walking the dog...to my DH. I am having a bit of a hard time processing how my life is about to change and I realized awhile back that I was dumping too much of DH and was taking away from his excitement. Now I'm seeing a therapist once a week and it's a relief for both of us. 

I will also 4th? the 5 Love Languages. DH is physical touch, he constantly wants hugs, pets, back rubs, etc. I am anti-physical touch so I really have to be conscious to communicate with him in that way. Mine is Acts of Service and I also have to be conscious to provide him with opportunities because I am a bit more of a self starter when it comes to home care tasks than he is. There is a part in the book about how to proceed even if your spouse isn't on board with the idea, so check it out even if your SO is suspicious! 

MrsBakes

So very sorry to hear this It's not easy, in fact it's definitely scary and overwhelming at times knowing a new tiny life, completely dependent on you is about to enter your world and turn it upside down. Add miscarriages to the mix the illness of his dad and it can be truly too much to handle at times. 
I'm glad you show understanding and support and kudos to you for handling it all so well while being pregnant and dealing with your set of emotions! 
But I think he really should be seeking professional help and sooner rather than later. Depression doesn't just go away and we often think we'll figure it out but really the sooner you get help the sooner you will feel better. So I hope he will embrace the help that's being offered and get back to his usual self.

My H has been going through some things himself. It's not depression but at the same time he's not quite where I'd like him to be. I often feel alone in this. He is always in a great mood at work and will go the extra mile to show how good he is at his job. I wish he'd give 50% of that enthusiasm towards his family. We are currently working some things out as he's just not into it. But he's in denial about it and there is always an excuse (and typically something I'm not doing first so then he acts that way). If I mention therapy then he's got all the answers already. So i'm at a loss because he's not willing to try fix things. 
I don't know if it's this pregnancy persay but it's definitely adding more to the stress...

SnarkasaurusRex

I'm definitely feeling disconnected from DH this pregnancy. He travels a lot for work and is in the midst of launching a huge, company-wide project, so he is literally traveling every other week. He hasn't been able to go to a single OB appointment (but, thankfully since we did out AS the day before Thanksgiving he was able to make it to that), and it was a really long time before he was able to feel her moving. I know that it's been hard on him to be away so often...he left for his current trip on Sunday morning, and Saturday night he kept talking about how hard it was to leave DS. I'm not really sure how to help him out...honestly, I feel like he has the easier end of the deal since he's away, working during the day and being social with coworkers pretty much every night, and I'm still here pregnant, working full time, taking care of DS (and the dog), and making sure the house doesn't fall down. IDK. We're in a weird position, and I'm not sure how to manage it. It wasn't this bad when I was pregnant with DS, but he also didn't travel as much.

KirstinH88

@SnarkasaurusRex will he be done traveling by the time baby is here? For bonding purposes, but also for your sanity...

SnarkasaurusRex

@KirstinH88 His last trip is scheduled with I am 37 weeks (but it's a 3 hour drive, so still fairly local), then he doesn't have any more until I'm 5 weeks PP (if we make it to the RCS date). He should be able to go back to once a month-ish travel after that, but yea. I'm pretty anxious about figuring out life as a working mom with two kids in daycare and a husband who travels all the time. It's making me hesitate on putting DS is preschool next year when he's 2 (which I feel like is the norm around here) because I don't want him to be behind, but I have no idea how I can manage getting 1 kid to school, 1 to daycare, and myself to work all on my own. IDK, I'm sure we'll figure it out.

KirstinH88

@SnarkasaurusRex I definitely understand the struggle of doing the morning routine all on your own. When DH was working, he would go in SUPER early, so mornings were all mine. When we just had DS, it was easier, but when we had the DSS's, I was getting myself and 3 boys ready in the morning and dropping them off at 2 different locations before getting myself to work as well. But you definitely work it out and find a new "normal." 

SnarkasaurusRex

@KirstinH88 Realistically, I don't think we can even afford to do preschool next year (I honestly don't know how we're even going to afford 2 in daycare on my salary), so it probably won't even be an issue for a while. It probably wouldn't feel so stressful if I didn't need to be at work by 7:00 when most preschools and daycares open at 6:30. I'm with ya on finding the new "normal"...back when I was pregnant with DS I had no idea how I would manage taking care of him while DH was travelling, but it's smooth sailing now.

KirstinH88

@SnarkasaurusRex I am lucky in that my work hours are flexible, so there is that. I couldn't imagine having to be at work at a certain time, especially that early!

rachelmiller03

@SnarkasaurusRex  I can relate. I have a set work schedule (7-4), but DH is in retail management, so sometimes he has to be at work at 6am, other times he goes in at noon, but doesn't get home until midnight. He has one weekend off a month. I'm so worried about dinner/bedtime routines with 2u2, and without him there. I didnt even think about the morning routine- until now- so thanks for that 

Dax28

@SnarkasaurusRex Oh my goodness, it sounds so difficult for you especially with a little one running around and you managing everything. 

For about 3 months of the pregnancy DH was working 16 hour days with only the 14th day off. It was so difficult for both of us, sometimes we only got to speak 30 minutes before he passed out from exhaustion. I held the house together, planned the shower, and mostly prepared for baby on my own. He did as much as possible going to most of my apps and trying to help out. He is doing better with his depression but I'm still going to suggest therapy for him or both of us before our child is born.

Omie_Wise

If your SO doesn't want to go to therapy, go yourself and then invite them to attend with you. Sometimes people are more willing to support their partner over themselves. 

@SnarkasaurusRex that sounds really difficult! I don't have any wise words or personal experience to share...just that sounds shitty and I'm sorry. 

smallanimal

MY DH has a bit of a "this is too much" moment the other day.  And I get him.  With our recent chromosome issue worry (turned out nothing in the end), hiw work is going through a merger, there are gazillion things to purchase and get delivered, plus my constant back pain and bad mood (entirely my fault) has been wearing him out.  On Saturday, he had a "I can't do this, it's too much, when it's not work, it's worries, when it's not worries, it's yet another thing to do, when it's not that, then people staying over again and again" - and he was right.  He didn't even have a few hours to himself lately.  So I decided to (wo)man up a bit and took some organising stuff off him - he was visibly better after a few actions. After we got the good news last night on the nfluid issue, I treated him to a nice dinner, and next weekend he gets to have his boys weekend in Paris - he so deserves it.  He has been a hero and it's difficult for him too.