How am I supposed to go back to ok?

BethK93

I went in on Saturday for my confirmation ultrasound. I was 11 weeks and 2 days. Nothing but an empty sac. I am so angry! My body completely betrayed me! I had all the symptoms of pregnancy - nausea, breast soreness, cravings, mood swings, almost everything. And all I was thinking the whole time was how happy I was to be having a baby with my amazing boyfriend. I feel cheated. I don't know how I can ever go back to life as it was before. And how am I supposed to try to get pregnant later down the line and be excited? If my body did this to me once, it can do it again. I can't even make it through a work day without crying. I want to just hole up in my room and cry for weeks. And the worst part? My body hasn't even realized that there's something wrong. I have no cramping, bleeding... nothing. I want this over with. I don't know how to even start healing. This is so awful. 

halips

@BethK93 I am so sorry for what you are going through. The thing with grief is that you have to accept it. Don't fight the urge to cry, it's a natural part of healing. As for life never being the same, you may be right. But I'm not sure that's a bad thing... for me, I never want to forget my baby girl. As time goes on, you will be able to manage this better. You'll heal, but you will also always remember. You'll grow and learn and when good things happen, you'll be able to appreciate them that much more. Allow yourself time to grieve,it will help you start the healing. 

BethK93

thank you @halips. I am sorry for your loss - I understand never wanting to forget, especially having been that far along. What I'm struggling with is the fact that I was never TRULY pregnant, there was never an embryo, just an empty sac. It is so..... MADDENING! I feel so completely and utterly DUPED. I feel like I should have known something wasn't right. But I didn't, and I had this whole "life" planned out with my new little family and it was ripped away - even though it never really existed. IF that makes any sense. I don't mean to keep being so negative but this is just so hard...

halips

You're not being negative, just realistic. Obviously our situations were different, but grief is always the same. Anger is naturally part of that. If sharing and talking about it no matter how negative helps, then do it. We're all here to listen and all have/had the same feelings. 

BethK93

this all feels like a bad dream. like I'm going to wake up and none of it will have happened. 

the doctor is taking forever to contact me so we can discuss the options. the ultrasound tech said she was going to contact him so that first thing today he could contact me, but she never did! he wasn't even made aware of what happened. so now i'm sitting here longer and longer waiting to find out what the options are. i really just want this awful nightmare over. i need to take some time off work, that's for sure. I think I'm going to ask my boss what my options are here. I can't focus on my work at all. this is just completely consuming my mind.

justsuzie

@BethK93 I am so sorry for your loss.  In September when I had my loss I felt the same way.  I thought I would never be able to get through it.  I am 3 months out from my loss and I have more good days than bad so that is an improvement.  Be sad and mad for as long as you need to.  I hate when people said to me it will get easier, more like, it will suck less.  As for the dreaded wait..that must be so frustrating.  If you still feel neglected by your OB maybe you can see someone else by explaining your situation and they can get you into their office.  

As for feeling happy for another pg...yes, you can totally be happy, but you may also be cautious.  Some OBs will give you an earlier US if you've experienced a MC which can give you a bit more security.  This board and the ttc after a loss board has made the healing process bearable.  I hope you are able to begin the healing process. 

Hopefulmommy1980

I am sorry for your loss

BethK93

Thanks ladies. My doctor honestly did very well with me. The nurses didn't explain to me that all the docs in the office make their phone calls at the end of the day. He was very understanding and so so kind. I will be continuing to use him in the future.
I had to take misoprostol to induce the MC, which went.... pretty awful to be honest. I have never been in so much pain in my life. I'm sure that's what the beginning of labor feels like. But, it's over, and I am feeling better. More optimistic. It still is really shitty and I'm sure there will be days where I just can't deal, but for right now I'm OK. Thank you for being here for me, ladies.

KM2J

I totally feel your pain, sadness and anger right now. It is not fair.  It is horrible and no one should have to feel this way.

ceclarlinetlo

@bethk93 I had a very similar experience with my first pregnancy in 2015 - only mine was caught earlier at 8 weeks - I completely remember what it felt like to feel completely betrayed by my body and to feel like I wasn't really pregnant and to feel like my life was divided into two parts before it happened and after it happened and that life wouldn't be the same. It's ok to feel this way - you have experienced a loss - as much as your brain tries to say you weren't really pregnant that's not true. You are making pregnancy hormones - there might not have been an embryo but that is not the same as not being pregnant. You have every right to grieve this loss. And to answer your question - with time you will feel better - it's true you might struggle with being excited the next time you get pregnant and that's totally normal too - it sucks that your innocence has been taken but unfortunately that's a hand a lot of women are dealt - and you are strong enough to overcome it. Don't force yourself to feel anything just take it as it comes and let yourself feel what you need to get get through it. I'm truly sorry you've had to go through this. Every type of pregnancy loss is tough but for me Blighted ovums are a special kind of torture. I had a second loss before getting pregnant with my rainbow and it was another early missed miscarriage though that one had an embryo and honestly the empty sac hurt me worse. 

SP128

@BethK93  I am so sorry for your loss.  I felt the same way about my body betraying me.  I think worries about getting pregnant again after a loss is very common.  I have the same worries.  It starts off really hard and it does get better a little at a time.  I had a mmc in October and I'm doing ok, not perfect but ok.  I think for any lady who has had a mc, there will always be a little piece of her missing.  We just need to cope with it to the best of our ability and continue to continue on.