Attachment Parenting

Bed sharing and drinking

I'm needing some advice/support. my daughter is 40 weeks old. We had never planned to bed share originally but she had terrible reflux and it quickly became our only option to get any sleep. My husband likes to drink a lot. He has terrible anxiety and says that being somewhat intoxicated is the best way for him to sleep. I know he has a problem but I don't know how to even begin fixing that atm. He has cut back significantly since our lo has been around but sometimes he still gets hammered. When he does we always end up in a huge fight because I won't let him sleep in bed with us. We had never slept apart until about 7 months ago. He thinks she is old enough to be safe from the dangers of SIDS but when he is hammered he is such a deep sleeper. On many occasions he has accidentally kicked me or elbowed me in his sleep and he is nearly impossible to wake up to tell him to move over. About 2 months ago I begrudgingly moved out little girl to the crib so I wouldn't have to worry about this as much. For the most part she seems to sleep really well on her own and is finally sleeping through the night. Sometimes though she still needs to sleep with us though. We are staying in a hotel tonight and this is one of those times. My husband is here on business and his company took him out tonight and he came back to the hotel beyond hammered. I told him he has to sleep on the floor because I am terrified of something happening to our little girl especially now that she moves around a lot in her sleep and cuddles up close at times. He got extremely upset and says I'm interfering with him getting a good nights sleep when he has an important meeting tomorrow. I don't think I'm overreacting though or being unreasonable. I'm at a loss at what to do. For the most part our relationship is fantastic and he is a wonderful father but this is one thing that is creating such a huge divide. He fell asleep almost instantly on the floor but now I'm lying here wide awake and extraordinarily frustrated (and cold because he took the comforter). Ugh!!

Re: Bed sharing and drinking

  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are absolutely right that no one who has been drinking should be bed sharing with a baby for safety of the child. I have no advice as I can't even begin to imagine being in your shoes. I just wanted to provide some reassurance. 
  • I have no hesitation kicking hubby out of bed on the occasions we bring DD in our bed. He doesn't drink but he's a very heavy sleeper and I just don't feel safe. When DD was a newborn til about 3-4 months I coslept with her and DH slept in the spare room. We room shared until 8 months and if she woke up and wouldn't go back down in her bed I would bring her in with me, and kick him out. Now DD is 10 months and in her crib most nights but if she's ever having a rough night and needs to sleep with me I make sure DH gets up and moves somewhere else first every time. I'm sure he doesn't love not being able to sleep in his own bed but safety comes first! In your case he also needs to understand that the consequence of drinking is not sleeping in bed with you so if he makes that choice he needs to accept the consequences that come with it! You are perfectly right to make sure you are creating a safe sleeping environment for your baby so do not feel guilty mama! 
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  • In safe bed sharing baby should sleep on mom's side of the bed anyway (I break this rule often, but my DH is a really light sleeper). You can get bed rails, and even inflatable ones for if you are traveling to be even safer. I agree that this is a problem if he is drinking in excess to go to sleep, but you can still make bed-sharing safe for your LO. Also there is nothing wrong with having separate beds, getting hotel rooms with separate beds, etc in the future. I think this problem has a lot of solutions other than him quitting drinking to excess (which he probably should, but that's another story and not something you can control, unfortunately.)
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