Am I overreacting?

MissKrisBliss

I am so hesitant to share this because I don't want to be the girl on the board with the asshole husband.  But I need to know if I am reacting to this because of my hormones or how badly I feel is real.  I don't want to get into too much detail, because I don't think it will help, but last night I found out that my husband had been carrying on an online flirtation with someone.  He plays an online game, and he was talking to her on a chat that the players use to communicate.  It wasn't outwardly sexual, but it was very flirtatious, a private convo, he asked her for a picture (not a dirty one) and just a lot of personal conversation - about our kids, about me etc... nothing bad just, crossing the line in my opinion. I don't feel it went as far as "cheating" but he admitted that it was inappropriate.  Nothing like this has ever happened to me.  I've never been cheated on.  We've been together for 6 years and have been through hell and back together. We have a son with special needs - he was born with congenital issues and also had a battle with cancer all in the first year of his life.  He was recently hospitalized for a month on a vent.  Now I'm pregnant, weaning off my anti depressants and still dealing with all the trauma surrounding our son, and this feels like it's put me over the edge.  My husband has a history of infidelity with his ex( they were not married ) so I have been scared of this but have always trusted him.  I didn't find this out by snooping , he left it up right in front of me by accident.  He says he had no intentions to take it further, he just liked the attention. He agreed it was fucked up and even admitted if I'd done it he would have considered  leaving me.  He's very possessive.  The thing is, this might not be a big deal to some but we are the kind of couple that people hate.  We are madly in love.  We're that gross couple that slow dances and makes out during every slow song at a wedding.  We have date night once a week.  We spend every moment that we can together.  So this feels like a huge betrayal.  I feel like a line has been crossed that can't be uncrossed.  He is the love of my life, and I am not prepared to end our marriage over this but I am hurting so much.  I have never felt this kind of pain.  I have cried off and on for the whole day.  I just can't stop thinking about it.  I am so afraid that this is confirmation that he really is just a cheater and he will do this and worse to me in time.   I truly hope I am overreacting.  Has anyone dealt with this, pseudo infidelity grey area crap?  I feel like I'm in a hole I can't escape.  Like something has been ruined.  I'm going to stop now because I'm just emotion vomiting at this point.  To anyone who got to the end, you deserve a metal and thank you for listening.  I'm not going to leave him so if the advice is - he's an ass leave him- I respectfully ask you to refrain from sharing it.  I may be a glutton for punishment but I love my husband so much and I don't want to lose him.

LoveLee85

I don't think this is divorce worthy(not trying to down play it). First of all, I'm sorry. And I hope your son has a very blessed and healthy future!!!! Second, you feel betrayed because it is on a level. I would focus on your son and your soon to be baby. Your health comes before the drama. Take the time you need and don't plan stuff out. Day by day, or if that's to overwhelming, hour by hour. I'm sorry. I don't have experience with this, but that is what I would do. 

spk112

I can't relate to what you're going through, but I am so sorry that you're experiencing this. You are absolutely allowed to take time to process the pain that you're feeling from this, and I hope that your H respects that. 

You've gone through a lot in the last year, considering your son's health, a new pregnancy, and now this. Please take care of yourself.

SaphireSweetie88

I agree with PP. I hope you and your DH can fix this. I think you will and it seems like he's open to hearing and maybe even understanding how you feel about it so that's a good sign. I know it is hard but don't compare your relationship against the one he had with his ex. You're different women and therefore it's a totally different relationship. GL hun. We're here if you want to vent some more. Also, I've been cheated on before so feel free to private message me if you'd like.

supermom83

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. It sounds very stressful for sure. But in my honest opinion, I do not consider what he did cheating. I also don't think it means he will cheat just because he cheated on an ex means he will inevitably cheat on you. I think you are rightfully upset, and if I were in your place I would be very upset too. But I see it as an important platform for you to share your boundaries with your husband and firmly express, that to you, this is crossing a line and you will not tolerate it. I think that is the most important thing you must bring across and firmly explain to your husband, because if he does do something like this again with full knowledge that this kind of behavior is unacceptable in your relationship, then yes, it would be grounds for a separation and divorce. But as it stands now, I think it is a learning moment and both of you should have a very serious talk about expectations and limitations. 

MissKrisBliss

Wow, this was all really sound advice.  I appreciate it so much.  Thank you!!

Itsnotyourturn

Early in my marriage I something happen sort of in this vein.  I confronted my DH, he explained himself, agreed it wasn't appropriate.  However the friendship he had with his girl, let's call her Nel, predated me, so he hadn't thought what he was doing was inappropriate until I confronted him.  So he started distancing himself, eventually she met someone else, got married, and doesn't text or call my husband anymore.  

On a side note, I invited her to our wedding and she didn't attend.  No big deal, but she told my husband she was getting married then didn't invite us.  I don't care about being invited other than it left me feeling some kinda way about her intentions where my husband was concerned.

samsocal

I've been there before.  So sorry you're going through this.  Sounds like you both have been through a lot and in my opinion this may have been a way of coping.  I don't believe this is a divorce worthy incident or reason to leave or separate from your husband.  I know this stuff is very painful even more so in this state with hormones running wild.  But I would look at this as an opportunity to draw the line with your husband and improve communication.  In my opinion, it's not so much about what happened but more about why and what can be done to prevent this from happening in the future.  If your husband loves you and I'm sure he does you guys can work together to make some changes and avoid being here in the first place. Again, I'm sorry you're going through the pain but this can be an opportunity to not only get closer but to build a stronger relationship.  Hugs.

MaMinette13

I don't have a lot to add the pps didn't. But as someone who has been "cheated" on on-line (my ex, over 10 years ago when on-line chatting was still a thing), I want to reassure you that it's a really good sign he was talking about you and your family. To me that says it most likely was harmless flirting, and it wouldn't have gone beyond that, whether you'd seen it or not. 

pretzel2plus1

I think PPs covered it, but I just wanted to add that I am so sorry you're dealing with this. Please don't feel bad for venting to us - that's what we're here for! Please make sure that your health and the health of your baby and son are your top priority and do whatever you need to heal from this. It sounds like your husband realizes that this hurt you and you guys are on a good path to definitely make it through this. Hugs to you!

dancegurl1118

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. It seems like you have a lot of stressors and this is extra unnecessary stress right now. I think it's a really good sign that he didn't make excuses or try and cover it up, and that he admits that he would feel angry if the shoe was on the other foot. I don't have any sound advice but I think just keeping open communication about it with help. I hope this blows over and you are able to work through it. 

satsumasandlemons

Sorry you're going through this - no other advice except maybe suggest therapy for either him or at the least, for you? 
I suggesttherapy for him so he can maybe identify something he may feel is missing and perhaps led him to the grey area with this other person? 

oheliza44

Sending you hugs, @MissKrisBliss. I don't have much to add to what the others have already said just to suggest you take some time for yourself this weekend so you have some space to process your emotions. I am sure you and your husband will pull through this. Just remember that couple has rough patches and we are all hear to listen whenever you need to vent. 

virginiaunicorn11

Not grounds for divorce and I don't think of you as the woman with an asshole husband. Others have posted good advice. I will add that the intensity of your relationship is probably hard to maintain at times of stress. To me, it seems a little like you guys have something to prove to yourselves and others. At the risk of being the woman who always suggests counseling, I do think some couples therapy could help you two get past some of the stress of his past, and what you've experienced with your child.

 Also, it probably goes without saying, but I would hope your husband would cut off communication with this woman and understand that he should not ever pursue something like this again. It is too slippery of a slope.

Sounds like you have a lot of love for each other and there's no reason to believe you can't get past this. Big hugs to you, lady! What a hard thing to deal with any time, let alone now!!

chiquita928

virginiaunicorn11 said:

Not grounds for divorce and I don't think of you as the woman with an asshole husband. Others have posted good advice. I will add that the intensity of your relationship is probably hard to maintain at times of stress. To me, it seems a little like you guys have something to prove to yourselves and others. At the risk of being the woman who always suggests counseling, I do think some couples therapy could help you two get past some of the stress of his past, and what you've experienced with your child.

 Also, it probably goes without saying, but I would hope your husband would cut off communication with this woman and understand that he should not ever pursue something like this again. It is too slippery of a slope.

Sounds like you have a lot of love for each other and there's no reason to believe you can't get past this. Big hugs to you, lady! What a hard thing to deal with any time, let alone now!!

I wholeheartedly agree with what PPs haves said. I was actually getting ready to say the parts that I bolded here.

Dcwtada

Had something similar happen to me as well. Texting with an old partner that crossed the line. It hurt so bad, I was also pregnant at the time. My husband is not the possessive type insomuch as freaking out if I talk to guys or what not but he is possessive of my time and attention - he refuses job offers where he'd have to spend a night away from me and if he has to travel I have to come with him because he doesn't like to be apart. He is madly in love with me too although we don't have necessarily that PDA our private life is intense and amazing. Plus not to sound conceited but I am out of his league so the thought of him doing this was so tough to understand and forgive, we had nothing lacking in any way. I don't know if it was bravado, getting carried away, needing to feel desired, the thrill of it, just a fantasy/break from reality or some other reason but talking with him we knew it wasn't about me or our relationship. Part of the problem was him thinking in his own head it meant nothing and reconciling that crossing the line is never "nothing" to the other person and making him see it through your eyes is the most powerful way for him to understand exactly what he did and how devastating betrayal in any form can be to you and your relationship. The aftermath and him seeing just how it affected me and my mental well-being was the hardest part for him. 

Time and reassurance is the best way. Talk it out - and you may never get all the answers because he may not even know himself, but try to understand where this came from and whether it's something you can move past. I may be in the minority but flirting that crossed the line was not a deal breaker in any way for us although it hurt and I had trust and insecurity issues for a while after. Frankly if I didn't love him so much it wouldn't have hurt so bad or shaken me to my core. 

hqinmd

I agree with the other girls. You totally have a right to be hurt. But sometimes people, men and women both, want a little validation (even if just subconsciously). It was probably good for his ego that she'd flirt back. I think @MaMinette13 is right and the fact that he was talking about you and your son is a really good sign that he didn't have any other intentions. Hugs! You guys have been through a lot and you'll get through this. 

MissKrisBliss

Thank you all so much.  Truly.  I can't remember a time when I felt so much - I could cry all the time.  The truth is, he is being so sweet about it.  He's very attentive, checking in, asking me what I'm thinking, looking for opportunities to reassure, etc.  things have been rough and if this is what needed to happen to set us back on track I'll take it.  It hurts like hell but it's worth it if it brings us closer.  A think the hardest part is that the facade of our "prefect" attraction to each other has been broken, but I think it was wrong to try to maintain that to begin with.  The truth is, we both agree that monogamy is hard for humans.  We both crave it, but also recognize now that feelings for people other than each other are natural, but there is no need to act on them if t doesn't fall within the boundaries we have set in our marriage.   you guys have made me feel so much better.  I appreciate your input and empathy so much.  I'm feeling so many emotions, I keep going around in circles - sadness, anger, relief, etc.  it's nice to know I'm not alone.  

SaphireSweetie88

MissKrisBliss said:

Thank you all so much.  Truly.  I can't remember a time when I felt so much - I could cry all the time.  The truth is, he is being so sweet about it.  He's very attentive, checking in, asking me what I'm thinking, looking for opportunities to reassure, etc.  things have been rough and if this is what needed to happen to set us back on track I'll take it.  It hurts like hell but it's worth it if it brings us closer.  A think the hardest part is that the facade of our "prefect" attraction to each other has been broken, but I think it was wrong to try to maintain that to begin with.  The truth is, we both agree that monogamy is hard for humans.  We both crave it, but also recognize now that feelings for people other than each other are natural, but there is no need to act on them if t doesn't fall within the boundaries we have set in our marriage.   you guys have made me feel so much better.  I appreciate your input and empathy so much.  I'm feeling so many emotions, I keep going around in circles - sadness, anger, relief, etc.  it's nice to know I'm not alone.  

@MissKrisBliss - The bold part makes me happy to hear / read. To me, that's a good sign
To the italicized - It may be a bit cracked / broken but it can be repaired if you both want it to.