Ok.... the stress is welling up inside of me and I have to let it out somewhere. It doesn't matter how much research I've done or how much I know how I already know the exact details of this appointment but I am still inside my head and cannot get out for the life of me. The reason I have not posted until now is I know there are so many others with similar stories that I don't feel like I am saying anything new or bringing anything to the table that everyone in this forum hasn't heard already. But I guess today, I just really need a virtual squeeze, a pat on the back, and others to tell me it will all be okay.
Our journey began over two years ago. My husband (36) and I (32) got married in June of 2011. We officially went off birth control in October of 2014. I started to put an effort into timing in January 2015 and then, after some help on this very site, in June of 2015 learned that my timing was all sorts of off because I ovulate later than others. So for 6 months, I OPKed, BBTed and tracked thoroughly in Fertility Friend. After 6 unsuccessful months of well timed BDing, we visited with my OB-GYN and did some general testing (blood work) and did 3 monitored cycles of Clomid. US were perfect during this time, but after the last cycle I was a little over stimulated so my OB wanted to take a break. Next steps in June I had an HSG and sperm analysis for the hubby. Results for those came in great, my tubes are clear, my hubby levels and quality were both perfect. OB decided to try 3 monitored cycles of Letrozole which were also unsuccessful. So went back and got the referral to the RE. I should note that I do not struggle with anything medically (clear of PCOS and endometriosis) so right now, it is clearly just unexplained.
Filling out the paperwork before the appointment was probably the most stress I've had so far. My mother had a hysterectomy in her early 30s from cystic ovaries and endometriosis, my aunts both went through early menopause, and I cannot name a single family member who had a child after 30 on my mother's side. My good friend has reassured me if any of these would have been a factor for me, the OB would have found them by now, but I am nervous that we missed our window. I want to just give up, but every time I spend time with my beautiful nieces, my heart aches for one of my own. I have an A type personality and my husband is very laid back and still 2 years later is still all "It will happen when it happens".
If any one in this forum has any advice they'd like to share I'd love to hear. Otherwise, I guess I am just writing to get this off my chest and putting it out there for T&Ps. The longer our journey to pregnancy goes, the more stories I hear from people and it has been such a curse and a blessing to know I am not alone in this. My boss is 8 weeks pregnant and when she shared her sonogram I couldn't help but be elated and so jealous at the same time. Random pregnant women evoke all the envy and hurt in my heart and I just want to be happy for them.
I know it is just another appointment, but more than anything I just want a solution. Everything else I have achieved in life, I have gotten through hard work, dedication, and doing what needs to be done. If it was weight loss, graduate degrees, promotions. And this has been the first time in my life I have hit a wall that I can do everything the way the book tells me to and still not get the results I want. A year ago I read "An Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant". Sadly, I think I may need to revisit.
If you made it this far, thank you. I know you too are struggling through your own journey and making tough decisions along the way. I am thankful for each one of you and a space that I can word vomit my stress.
TTC #1 Since: October 2014
Feb-Apr 2016: Clomid
July-Sept 2016: Letrozole
Current Treatment: Waiting on RE