Thanksgiving Funnies

DrillSergeantCat

Since it's Thanksgiving week let's share our crazy family Thanksgiving stories.

DrillSergeantCat

One year my exMIL mistook liquid smoke for vanilla so the whipped cream tasted like meat. She vehemently denied it even though everyone said the same thing and the liquid smoke was on the counter.

Another year, exMIL's ovens went out so I was asked to make the turkey. Everyone kept talking about how good it was and how it was so much better than usual. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.

Another year, exSIL had a cold and was severely congested. NBD, right? Wrong. She started retching into the kitchen sink while everyone was trying to eat and throwing a fit about the fact that no one was helping her.

Another year, exSIL brought rolls. She was only allowed to bring rolls and nothing else because she's such a terrible cook. Those rolls could have been used in a stoning.

Another year, my grandma got drunk and put so much sage into the dressing that it was literally green. It was so bad that my cousin hid her plate under the couch because our family was very much "eat what you take." Same year, Aunt's house was roach infested which was NBD to her, highly ick to me. I freaked out when I saw one on the wall behind me (probably going for the dressing under the couch) and my aunt just smacked it with her hand.  

I think that's it. This also explains why I'm a control freak about TG.

disneybaby84

One  Thanksgiving, my DH and I hosted MIL, now growing up my family had the tradition of everyone saying what they were thankful for. My MIL arrives talking non stop about herself ( nothing new) all the bad things that had happened recently. Then as we are eating dinner, she is venting about her ex husband (DH's only father) then just blurts out " and that man gave me genital herpes from the woman he cheated on me". My DH gets upset and tells MIL this is not okay to discuss. MIL gets upset and says "You should be a mature adult like your wife". I got labeled mature because I was sitting in shocked silence.

JustAnotherUsername16

bwahaha @DrillSergeantCat those stories are hilarious. 

I only have one... One year when I came home from college (ok, this was awhile ago...) my mom decided she wanted to do shots for Thanksgiving. She chooses to bring Kahlua and Bailey's to make shots and asked me to pour them. I didn't have the heart to tell her what this combination was "traditionally" called in bars... So I poured these shots and of course my drunk aunt comes up and yells "Yummy! Blowjob shots! Someone get the whipped cream - it's not a blowjob without the cream!". She then insisted that everyone take these shots with their hands behind their backs...

datalover13

My older sister was hosting one year and literally forgot to take turkey out of the freezer until the day before. We had IHOP for our big meal. 

DrillSergeantCat

datalover13 said:

My older sister was hosting one year and literally forgot to take turkey out of the freezer until the day before. We had IHOP for our big meal. 

That reminded me of another one. Last year, my mom gave me a turkey 11 days before the day. I didn't math right and went ahead and put it in the fridge. I didn't realize it until too late. Fortunately, H had one in his mom's freezer that we were able to use. 

EnglishTeacherMama

When I was a kid, we used to switch off every year between which grandma's house we went to for Thanksgiving. My Italian grandma was a wonderful cook who made a lovely, traditional American Thanksgiving meal plus lasagna. My Danish grandma was a child of the Great Depression and skimped on everything whenever possible, plus wasn't a great cook in the first place, so... those years were always pretty sad.

One year she made a cherry pie and my cousin ran in to a group of us, holding up the half-empty jar of cherries. "Don't eat the pie," he warned, and we all scooted in to read the expiration date... eight years before. She also insisted we always take a helping of yams, and though I appreciate them now, I sure didn't like the taste as a kid; luckily, our family is big and the kid's table was outside on the patio while all the adults were stuck inside with their fancy place settings. Sitting outside meant we could just chuck the yams into the bushes. You're welcome, raccoons! 
Another year my grandma said she wanted to "try something new" and that she was "tired of cooking so much for so many people" and that we would instead have "catered Mexican"... now, I don't know what YOU picture when someone says catered Mexican, but I imagine a lot of delicious options.
No. We arrived and she pulled a tray of (individually wrapped) Taco Bell crunchy tacos, a tray of rice, and a tray of refried beans out of the oven where they had been "warming" since being dropped off a few hours before.
Yaay....
Anyway, God bless black olives, because all of us kids would just stick those on our fingers and run around the house and the day wasn't totally ruined. 

sunshine507

Had a relative mistake fresh cilantro for fresh parsley and LOAD the mashed potatoes with it.

kiyamurph

@DrillSergeantCat Your stories have me LOL-ing! I see why those people are exes. 

Ivorytower2

I generally always drink too much wine and burn everything. DH is like the gourmet of all gourmet chefs and one year he made a bang up menu that could have been featured in HGTV Mag. My hick uncle threw a huge temper tantrum because we had homemade bread and red skinned mashed potatoes which didn't suit his pallet and left to the convenient store in the middle of dinner to buy nasty storemade rolls and a powdered box of potatoes. Guess it was too fancy for his likin. He also told me that an average engagement ring stone size should be 1/4 of a karat and spews consipiracy theories for hours whenever he has more than 2 Genny Lights. Goooood times.

DrillSergeantCat

@Ivorytower2 one year my mom decided that real mashed potatoes were too much work so she made them out of a box. My brother says, "Mm mmm. I can tell these are real because they've got lumps in them." I'm not sure what lumps he found, but he was happy. 

hisqueen78

All of these were so funny. I don't have any funny stories like that.

Gators&BoSox

my grandma was a great cook but she always burnt the bottom the rolls. it became a family tradition of sorts lol but we never spoke of it bc you don't call grandma out on her cooking..one year we got her air bake pans for xmas and my then young little sister goes "now you can't burn the rolls grandma!" lol better out of her mouth than anyone else... this is our first year without her for the holidays and i'm going to miss those burnt rolls

serenity13

ok this is more of a "Thanksgiving awkward" story...
So yesterday my sister/BIL told our parents, his parents, & us that they're expecting a baby - and made it clear they don't want to make it known publicly yet. Today at our family dinner my dad decides he's going to say grace (he never does this except at holiday dinners and it always seems awkward & unnatural but whatever we're used to his traditional stumbling-through thanks) and smack dab in the middle of it he spills the news to our relatives in the most embarrassingly awkward way possible, passing her ultrasound photo around to my aunt & uncle and forgetting to close his "prayer".... My sister was pissed (as was I) and everyone just felt weird because we knew that wasn't his news to share, let alone in that manner. Ohhh family...gotta love em.

kjd291

@serenity13 Noooooo.  That's tv sitcom worthy amount of awkward right there. :face palm: your poor sister!

kiyamurph

@serenity13 That's so awful! Why, WHY can't people understand that that's not their news to tell?! That pisses me off on so many levels. I'm enraged on behalf of your sister! A coworker of mine is 44 and is expecting her third. Her oldest is 21. She's only pregnant because her husband who she just married is 10 years younger and wanted kids of his own so she's really doing this for him. Anyway, since I make the schedule for the department, she lets me know she's 8 weeks and needs a certain day off down the road to go to a genetics testing class. Of course I didn't tell a soul since hello, she's 8 weeks, 44 years old, and it's not my news to tell. Lo and behold last week another coworker texts me and says that that coworker is pregnant and wasn't sure if I knew yet. And then had the nerve to add, "please don't tell anyone else." Like what the hell?! I told her that yes I knew but didn't say anything since it's not my business and that she should know better. Ugh!

nicklesb

I'm sad the posts ended on this. This was laughter therapy.