Secondary Infertility

lynchy326

Hello, a quick intro, I am 34, I have two children 4yo (had tried for over a year, he was a first IVF attempt, fresh cycle - so blessed), 2yo (she was a surprise, said we would "try" for a few months after already talking to fertility clinic, thinking it could never happen, and there she was - beyond blessed).  I have been trying for a year now for my third, always wanted three, come from a big family.  And unfortunately the third is not coming as easy as the second.  I have 5 embryos frozen, I have gone to the clinic, initial tests are fine, and planning to do a FET potentially next month.  

The real question - anyone out there have to use fertility treatment for their third child?  My emotions are everywhere...sometimes I feel like a third wasn't meant to be and I should just stop, how lucky am I that I have a healthy boy and girl....but then the urge of wanting another child takes over....and then the guilt comes back, am I pushing my luck....I'm just looking for any advice or words of wisdom

(and to those reading this that have not had any luck with IVF, please know that I do not mean any disrespect with this post, my thoughts are with all women having a difficult time conceiving, it really is the hardest thing to go through)

jodes727

Hi @lynchy326!   We are also dealing with secondary infertility. We have a five-year-old and a two-year-old. When we first started trying it took us about four months for our son. Then we started trying again and had our first ectopic pregnancy followed by a miscarriage. After a year of trying we got pregnant with our daughter.  Since it took us a year to conceive, along with two losses, we knew we wanted to start trying early for our third. In December it will be two years of trying. I have had another miscarriage and a second ectopic pregnancy. We have been working with our clinic for over a year.  We've have tried IUI 5 times and are waiting to do our FET (after some delays). 

 I know some of our friends think we are crazy for moving onto IVF when we have our two children, but we both feel as though our family is not complete.  We are beyond grateful and blessed for the two we have, but also know that we see our family as not complete. So here we are. 

Its been a long road with many bumps, and like you said, I wonder if we're are just pushing it. But I know I want to do everything we can do to complete our family.  Good luck to you!!!

lynchy326

Hi @jodes727! I was so nervous to post about this, but so glad I did....to even hear that one other person is in a similar situation makes me feel not alone and not so crazy  Like you said, I know some people probably think we are crazy, but I feel the same as you, I just don't feel like our family is complete.....my 4yo, out of nowhere, said, "mommy, I want you to have another baby"....of course I burst into tears since i've been trying and it just won't happen...thankfully I was driving and it was dark and I don't think he knew I was so upset

Thanks for sharing your story - wish you a lot of luck completing your family!!

mandasd

Um, if you have frozen embryos do it for sure! Don't let those puppies go to waste! My sister has 3 kids with IVF and she also felt guilty going for a 3rd but she had frozen embryos. I think it's natural to feel guilty. 

Polythene Pam

I have one daughter (3) who was conceived without even thinking about it so after 18 months, bad test results, and finding out she was pure luck- we're trying to start IVF. I feel bad sometimes, like I'm so lucky to have her, shouldn't that be enough?? But then literally daily she tells me about her baby "brudder" or "sisser" and I want to cry. I always envisioned 3 kids so this is largely why we hope to do IVF (my doctor is being a bit difficult but that's another story). We hope to freeze the extras and like you, do a third down the road. You already did all the hard work creating those embryos, don't feel bad using them!!

Polythene Pam

Also a good friend of mine has two kids through IVF but that used up all the embryos. She is getting that feeling every time she sees a newborn but knows it'll be a long road to get a third, but you can bet they're going for it! They're calling this their saving money year and then hope to start after their youngest is 2. So just another story showing you aren't alone

lynchy326

@mandasand thank you!!! I was thinking more last night, and you're right, I did go through a lot to get those embryo's and really, trying with FET is sort of similar to the trying we've been doing for the last year.  An FET is not a guarantee, just because the fresh transfer worked for me the first time, doesn't mean it will work this time, who knows if they will even thaw well... so I feel like I should consider it as us trying, but just trying in a different way.  

@PolythenePam  thank you for your story and your friends  you all don't even know how much this support means....i've been at odds with myself for months, and it helps to hear others in similar situations

funkykey

Hi @lynchy326 - I don't usually comment on this board, but I was so touched by your situation. I'm sure a lot of women feel guilty about making the jump to #3, but I wish they didn't - I think it is beautiful to want to complete your family! I mean, hey, even if you're going to push your luck, what a lovely thing to push your luck for!

I'm from a big family too, and I've always wanted to have at least 3 kids. I love all my sisters, and I can't imagine what it would be like to not have my 3rd sister in particular. She is my best friend.

I often wonder how people know that their family is "done" - I believe it's instinct. I think sometimes we try to intellectualize it, and to think about overpopulation and the environment, what we can/can't afford - whatever that means. I had a pretty nice childhood with lots of creature comforts, but I would have gladly gone without them had they meant not having my 3rd sister - does that make sense? Like, if my parents had asked me to choose between my 3rd sister and their helping me with college, I would have chosen 3rd sister without blinking. (I also have lots of rebuttals ready for those who think having a 3rd child is bad for the environment, but I don't want this post to be 5 miles long...).

Plus, it doesn't exactly sound like you're going wild - having a 3rd doesn't make you octomom. Heck, even having a 4th or 5th wouldn't put you there.

So many third children get forgotten in the shuffle or treated like an afterthought. Obviously this is not the case for you - it sounds like your third would be just as loved and wanted as your first. I think it's really cool that you want this 3rd enough to go through all the IVF/TTC struggles again - I don't think that's crazy at all, despite what others may think, I think it's amazing. Not crazy, but bold and brave.

My DH and I are struggling to have #1, and sometimes he has moments, very late at night, after I have lost my mind because of AF, where he will say: "look, maybe it's not for us. Maybe we should make peace with this. Maybe we're not meant to be parents." And I say that's BS - we're not going to give up on this just because it's been tough, or because I've had some sad nights, or because I'm frustrated. F*ck that. "Meant to be" is a pleasantry - it's an expression we use in hindsight, or to make peace with something after it's done - it's not what we use when we are actively undergoing the struggle, or the challenge. Let's not call the game until it's well and truly over, you know?

Good luck to you and to @jodes727!  (And to everyone else too, of course. )

ameliabedelia-2

I only have one, but I can relate. I have had people tell me to "be thankful for what you have, stop hoping for more than that".....and I think that's insensitive. I mean I obviously love my daughter more than words, and I wouldn't trade her for 100 babies. But that doesn't change our desire to grow our family, and it's rude to say that (even though their intentions are good). Just know you are in good company. I am benched right now waiting for surgery, but I will be right back on the bandwagon once it's done. Best of luck with your IVF.

lynchy326

@funkykey thank you so much for posting, the support means so much, especially since you are still trying for your first, thank you for helping me feel like I'm not doing something that I shouldn't be doing. And I was exactly where you are now just a few years ago, and even accepting that IVF was the road we had to take was hard at first, I remember finding communities like this and realizing that I wasn't alone, so many of us have trouble conceiving and we all just have a different story, and that is ok!

@AmeliaBedelia right, its so hard to hear people say that, because of course we are thankful for what we have but your right it doesn't stop the desire to grow your family if that's what was always in your heart.  Good luck with your surgery!

sware2010

I'm in a similar situation, with one daughter conceived easy-peasy followed by 3 years of miscarriages and BFNs. I felt a little weird doing IVF for secondary, but you know what? You have to follow your dreams. Your family size/composition is going to have a huge effect on the rest of your life! 

People spend more money on weddings, cars, etc than you're spending on fertility treatment. Don't discredit your dreams of a family, however big it may be! Those dreams are so valid and so worthy. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

funkykey

I keep wondering if maybe some of the "guilt" is actually like a form of post-traumatic stress. Not in an extreme way, of course - but I wonder if you'd feel this way if you'd never had any IF issues. I wonder if people who conceive easy-breezy (and carry to term no problem) - if they have the same kind of experience? Or are they simply like: "Gosh, kids are tiring and we're stretched a bit thin. But our family's just not finished yet. Let's have another baby!" 

I'm just entering this world of IF treatments, so in some ways I think I have an outsider's perspective. I know with IF you have to go to heroic lengths to conceive - to put your marriage, finances, and body through a series of increasingly stressful tests. The trial of it changes people, I think - how we feel about our bodies, and what we "deserve", you know? 

Sometimes I think that's beautiful, because it makes you humble and grateful, but sometimes I think it's total BS - maybe being grateful is the silver lining, but IF is a really big cloud, and the situation sucks balls.

I hope you schedule that FET and feel no guilt at all, and that when you actually do it, you feel like you're giving IF a big middle finger. 

lynchy326

@sware2010 and @funkykey sorry for the insanely late reply - I forgot to mention we also bought a house in November, so between moving in and also getting ready for a big family xmas eve party I barely had time to breathe!

But I am happy to say the FET is happening.  Just had my Cycle Day 2 b/w and ultrasound...starting Estrace today!  I am excited, nervous...can't believe its actually happening...hoping my little frosties will thaw nicely...I know there is still a chance they may not be viable after thawing, so not getting my hopes up to high.  But I know that if I didn't try this at least once, then I would regret it the rest of my life.  

thanks again to all for the support!

wabash15

@lynchy326 DH and I have unexplained infertility and tried for 2.5yrs before we got our rainbow twins with our 6th round of IUI. When I was pregnant I though I might be done but wasn't sure. After the twins were born I knew I wanted another and that our family wasn't done yet. For a while I thought we would try on our own and if it happened it happened or maybe we would adopt. We are now 8months in to trying on our own with no luck and have made the decision to do IUI again. Some days I go back and forth about spending the money for fertility treatments again as we are OOP but this is what is right for us. Not all families are 2.2 kids. GL with your FET

lynchy326

@wabash15 thank you for sharing your story, I am so glad I posted on here, I knew there had to be other people in this situation, fertility is just not something everyone talks about openly and not something everyone feels comfortable talking about, especially people that have not been through it.  Sometimes it's hard to talk to family and friends that don't fully understand everything I've been through.  Not only the procedures, but all the emotions that go along with this journey.  Glad to have so much support!