I need some help

djf911

so I looked and didn't see this discussed previously but I'm sure it has been.

I'm currently 7 weeks 2 days and plan to announce to some close girlfriends at a brunch in a couple of weeks. One of my best friends has had some fertility issues and I'm planning to tell her beforehand so she won't be caught off guard and have to deal with her emotions in a public setting. Her fertility issues are that she had a cyst removed that went bad and she had to be cut open and she lost a lot of blood. Since then she is still waiting for the ok to start trying to have kids. She has been a nanny and loves kids. I know she knows we were planning to have another baby but I also know it will be hard for her to hear when her situation is not going as planned. 

I guess i just just need some insight to make sure I do this right. Is there something else I should be doing in addition to what I mentioned or is there something I haven't considered? 

Thanks in advance 

Elyse1384

As someone who endured IF for 3 years before my take home baby, I can say you are doing a beautiful thing in telling her before and separately. It will help her digest and work through personal feelings so that she is prepared to share in the happiness when you tell in a group setting.  Just thinking about that in advance means a lot to a IF sufferer.  Good luck!  Even in dealing with my IF, I was always genuinely happy for friends and family even if I was hurting at the same time.  Don't take it personally if she seems upset or less than thrilled at first.  She probably will be happy for you even if her first emotions are more reflective of her struggle.  

JAGinMI

I think you are a very thoughtful friend! 

wifeinraleigh28

I'll also chime in as someone who struggled with IF. I always appreciated the head's up, either before an announcement in a social setting or on FB. I've had friends go about it both ways... I've dealt with announcements among a large group of friends and I've also had friends tell me privately beforehand. And I will say that just knowing that a friend was looking out for my feelings by telling me privately ahead of time helped tremendously and made it so much easier for me to be genuinely happy for them.

You are doing a wonderful thing by being mindful and thoughtful with this and your friend will appreciate that!

michaela0704

Like prior posts, I think just telling her separately and not in public would be enough.

Also, I wouldn't apologize for it or act as though she should be sad or even really talk about why you are telling her in the manner that you are... i.e., don't make her think about how your pregnancy has anything to do with her situation.  Now, I wouldn't be freaking out and celebrating but I wouldn't make sharing your happy news a sad thing - she will probably be extremely happy for you as your friend, so let her be... she probably will want to have her own time to handle any additional emotions, if she even experiences them.

For me, even though she is my bestie, I told her via text due to a previous loss and not knowing where she is at in her journey with her husband... I didn't want her to even have to fake anything over the phone or in person.  The next day she called me, pumped and so enthusiastic, wanted to know everything!!  Maybe she was busy, maybe she needed some time to process the situation, but you know your friend best and give her the opportunity to be there to celebrate with you. 

NamelessAria

Another lady here who suffered from IF (recurrent pregnancy loss). I think you're being an amazing friend by realizing that your announcement will be difficult for her and trying to be sensitive to that instead of faulting her. All too often I see ladies whine about how "my friend wasn't happy for me! She's such a bitter betty!" instead of taking the time to see it from the friend's perspective. So good on you for doing that!

My advice would be to tell her in a text or an e-mail before hand. I know this was always infinitely easier for me. My initial reaction to pregnancy announcements was usually to burst into tears and spend the next 2 days absolutely inconsolable. I was happy for my friend/family member but I was also just so incredibly sad for myself and my husband. And I usually needed some time to process it all before I could go and smile through an outing with the pregnant lady. If you tell your friend in person she'll likely feel like she has to plaster a smile on her face and hold back the tears while she congratulates you and tells you how wonderful your news is. And it may make the time you spend together quite awkward while she tries her best to pretend everything is fine and she's OK. 

You know your friend best. Do what you think is right with how you tell her. I know some people prefer to be told in person. I personally prefer to be told via e-mail or text so I can have whatever reaction I have. Everyone is different. Best of luck to you and your friend!

WorkingOnMyNightCheese

I think you're being so thoughtful, and as someone that's struggled with both IF and multiple losses, I can tell you that you're a rare bird!

First, I think it's great that you're telling her separately. When you tell her, don't be surprised if you don't get a huge reaction. I would also either not share details while pregnant unless she asks how you're doing, or ask her what she'd prefer if you're close enough for that to be okay. I know with me people would tell me and then it felt like they were rubbing it in my face with all of the constant updates on their symptoms. The biggest thing I can say is this: let her take the lead. 

I think it's really important to note that IF makes your emotional response to other people's pregnancies very  complicated. You're happy for them, but so sad and frustrated for yourself. 

lifeislove87

Another IF lady here, and I would also prefer the news in the form of a text message opening it up to a "call and we can talk" so that she can get over her hurt feelings and be in a space where she is truly happy for you. I was so so happy for my friends but so sad for myself and the babies I lost. Don't be upset if she opts out of brunch or doesn't ask you much about your pregnancy. Some people, like me, are very intellectual so we don't like to cry in front of others and therefore avoid triggering topics and situations. Also please avoid the platitudes unless she brings them up first "your time will come" or "it'll happen for you" didn't make me feel better because I didn't (and still don't) know if it'll ever have a take home baby

lifeislove87

I should also add, thank you for caring, you are a good friend 

jc_twomamas

Our absolute best friends in the world have been trying to conceive for 2 years and just started going to a fertility doctor in August. We found out we were expecting in September.

I knew even telling her in person wouldn't be easy for her, so we sent a loving text to them letting them know we were expecting, and that whatever time frame they contacted us back, we were 100% okay with. 

It it took a week for my best friend, sister in life to contact me, and even then, there wasn't a real conversation even about me being pregnant. 

It didn't matter to me, because what matters is that she had the time and space to process in whatever way she needed. Now we talk about the pregnancy all the time and she's over the moon excited for us. 

I think you're doing the right thing!! 

jennas312

I'm worried about the same thing.  it's only 3 of us going out and I was going to give them a cupcake w a note, buy i don't  want to upset my friend going through ivf. i never thought to tell beforehand .  I'm hoping she has some good news, but Idk.  Would the cupcake and note be a bad idea?

lifeislove87

@jennas312 you would be putting your friend In a position where she would most likely have to hide her emotions to protect yours. It's not that she won't be happy for you, but if she wants to cry and escape she won't be able too. I was the BEST actor, none of my friends knew this and would honestly be shocked to know how upset I was by their spontaneous announcements but if I received the news early I would have done the work to get to a place where I could grieve for my loss and bad news and truly been happy 

wifeinraleigh28

@jennas312 Having been in the position your friend will be in, I would strongly advise against it. I remember hating myself in those types of situations because all I could do was try to hold back tears and that made me feel like a terrible person, because I WANTED to be nothing but happy for my friend. Infertility is such a sad thing to deal with and it turns you into a person you absolutely hate. You really don't know what it is like unless you experience it, no matter how hard you try to understand. I would much rather be given the opportunity to deal with my feelings in private so that I could be completely genuine with my friend once I felt ready.

jennas312

Thank you I text her saying i had some news...she responded yay!!