TTC After a Loss

Every time someone tells me they are pregnant

it feels like I've been punched in the gut. Is this normal? Shouldn't I be happy? I feel awful for even thinking like this. 
31 years young
from Seattle(ish)
5 years married
EDD is 12/23/17
-- It's a BOY! ---

Re: Every time someone tells me they are pregnant

  • I feel the same way.  I'm happy for them but sad for myself.  Sometimes I feel so selfish that I'm not 100% joyful for the good news but I can't help the feeling.  
    Me: 36  DH:35
    Married: 7/10/2016
    TTC#1 - May 2016
    BFP 9/6/2016 - Missed MC 10/20/2016  
    BFP 5/5/2017  - CP
    IVF #1 - June 2017  - Transferred 1 fresh 4 AA embryo.  7/9 Beta #1 - 161 
    <3 Adam <3 Born on 3/18/18

  • I think if you are TTC and you had a loss its normal to feel that way. I am usually happy for the person and really sad about my own situation. 
    Me 29, DH 32
    Married: 03/2014
    BFP: 08/20/16, Blighted ovum 9/26/16 (8 weeks 4 days), D&C 9/28/16 (8 weeks 6 days)
    BFP: 12/16/16  => DD born 08/27/2017
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  • Literally every time I see a pregnant woman, I have to fight back tears.
  • It's definitely normal. And it sucks :( It's not not feeling happy for them, just feeling sad for yourself sometimes overshadows. 

    Me.30 DH.31 
    BFP 8/28/15 mmc @ 11 weeks (d&c)
    BFP 9/28/16 mmc @ 8 weeks (d&c) - trisomy 5
    BFP 2/3/17...edd 10/13/17 <3

  • I feel the same way. Out of what feels like ten pregnancy announcements I have only felt happy for one who was a really close friend and I still cried. 
  • ...feel the same way.  But, it's gotten easier.  I do get into the ruts where 
    I imagine how pg I would be if I hadn't lost the baby.  I've been making a lot of future plans to help me pass the time.  It seems like time moves so slowly now.
  • @moonlady Don't ever feel bad about not being excited for others. It is hard!!

    @hopefulmommy1980 ditto....except I was only at anger and didn't even get to tears.

  • I feel the same way. I remind myself that I am happy for the new baby that is being brought into the world but I just can't take part in the happiness of the announcement right now and thats okay. Cutesy fb announcements out of nowhere can just kill you though - even if you don't know the person that well.
  • @moonlady I echo everyone else. I think it is completely normal to feel that way when you want a baby so bad and have experienced loss or IF. Deep down, you are happy for them, just so hurt that it isn't happening for you.
    **TW - Loss & Child mentioned**
    Me: 40  DH: 47
    Married: 10/2015
    DSD: 17
    BFP #1: 6/2/15, ectopic, metho 7/15
    BFP #2: 12/4/15, cp 12/7/15
    BFP #3: 8/5/16, MMC discovered 9/1, Misoprostol 9/19
    BFP #4: 5/10/17, EDD 1/20/2018
    Baby boy born January 12, 2018, 6 lbs 3.3 oz, 20.5 in.

  • Ditto to what everyone has said.  I am off of fb right now because the pg announcements were killing me.  Ignorance is way better for me right now. 
  • A very dear friend and his wife just had their new baby and I have yet to visit. I had to skip the baby shower because it took place only 2 weeks after my MC and I couldn't handle it. I want to see the new baby (she's so cute) but I also don't want to break down in tears when I see her. Thankfully they know why and understand.

    ****TW Signature****
    BabyFruit Ticker
    DD born 04/28/2002
    Married DH 03/25/2017
    1st MMC 08/13/2016 2nd MMC 02/14/2017
    BFP 06/16/17 Rainbow DS Born 02/05/2018

  • I am so relieved this popped up for me this morning. I have been struggling with these feelings.

    we have several family memebers who are who is due around the time I would have been. It is so hard to watch them have happy normal pregnancies while I am her with continuing issues after loosing my little peanut.

    Thank you ladies for letting me know I am not alone.
  • Yes this is a totally normal feeling.  It seems especially hard to feel joy for the "accidental pregnancies" and those announcing and due around when you would have been.  
    I just try to remember that I don't know everyone's situation, and even if they seem a perfectly happy family with 2 kids already or something, that maybe they've had multiple losses or had infertility issues before the first baby or who knows what issues that they don't want to talk about.  So I try not to judge.  And I try to be happy for them.  But it is still very very hard to hear, and even harder with specific trigger situations and dates.
  • I just had to go to a congratulations party for my best friend because she closed on a building and she is 12 weeks pregnant and was complaining the entire time about how sick she was and tired and bla bla bla.  I had to leave because I feel like she isn't grateful for her pregnancy and I can't even be around her. 
  • I really needed to see this thread, especially this morning. I feel the same way and I don't know why I torture myself by going on Facebook. I had a miscarriage last month and have told friends and family, yet I'm still being asked to go to baby showers. Really?! It's heartbreaking, but it's comforting to know there are other women who really do know what this feels like. Sending all of you love. 
  • I have pregnant friends/relatives unfollowed on Facebook. I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I would have been very pregnant alongside a relative. It really sucks.
    TW: Loss
    EDD: 1/14/2017 : Blighted Ovum : D&C @ 10w6d

  • This feeling may not go away, even when you are pregnant with your rainbow baby.
    About us:
    Me - 28, Lean PCOS
    DH - 31
    Married June 2010, TTC since March 2014

    FET cycle #3 Transfer July 28th 2016, Triplets born healthy on February 26th 2017 at 33w1d!

  • Thankful for this thread today! Learned that my SIL is 9 weeks pregnant. I am happy that I do feel happy for her and excited for a little niece or nephew but I am also so angry/sad that I don't get to be pregnant WITH her - our due dates would have been less than 2 months apart. She started crying before she even told us and I could see on her face how awful she felt and it made me sad that our loss was taking away some of her happiness.
    BFP #1 9/2/16, MMC @ 8w5d, D&E 10/20/16
    BFP #2 12/17/16, EDD 8/26/17
    L born at 35+6 on 7/28/17 <3
  • This is a great thread. I really liked what @dpjennifer said that you just never know what the backstory might be for some of those seemingly perfect families or pregnancies. 

    For me, I have found that my reactions to learning that friends are expecting or seeing pregnant women or young children varies dramatically and there is no predicting my reaction. This was especially true in the months right after my loss. I try not to judge myself for my feelings and am always grateful when friends are sensitive to my situation. It's hard for them and it's hard for me. This board is such a great place to be able to go and vent all of these complicating feelings.  
  • I just started balling after reading someone's pregnancy announcement on Facebook. My most recent loss is only a week old so I'm hoping my reaction won't be this visceral for too long but I'm hurting. It's hard.
  • @julzy It took a long time to be "okay" with seeing pregnancy announcements. And I say "okay" with the quotes because sometimes I still can't handle them. I am 5 months out from my last mc and I started bawling on Monday because I saw an announcement. I would love to tell you they were tears or joy but they were tears of anger (towards myself) and tears of resentment. I was not having a good TTC day and the PMSing due to the start of AF probably didn't help. Just know that it is pretty normal to have a hard time with announcements and even seeing get other pregnant women. We are hear for you if you need us or need to vent.
    *** TW ***
    Me 31, DH 30
    Married: 07/2014, TTC since 12/2015
    BFP #1: 1/1/16, MC 1/14/16 (6 weeks), D&C 2/5/16 (9 weeks)
    BFP #2: 5/25/16, MC 6/23/16 (8 weeks), D&C 6/24/16, 2nd D&C for retained tissue and fibroid removal 9/1/16
    BFP #3: 12/24/16  EDD 09/04/2017
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • @TScalei agree. Sometimes feel like the cutesy random Facebook ones are a square punch in the face of hurt

    @OP I feel the same way. I get so sad and have such an intense feeling of longing and jealousy. Then I feel bad for not feeling happy for the new mom to be. It's just hard and every time I time myself that we are doing the best we can right? Don't be too hard on yourself 

    BabyFruit Ticker


    Me: 28  Him: 30

    Married: 11/15/14

    TTC: 02/2016

    IF DX: MFI (low count & morphology) & mild PCOS

    June 2016 BFP - MC @8w2d

    August 2016 BFP - MC @6w1d

    June 2017 - 50 mg Clomid + Ovidrel + IUI = BFP 7/6/17!!

    Beta #1 = 422 (14dpo), Beta #2 = 810, prog - 12.3 (16dpo), Beta #3 = 5023, prog - 18.9 (20dpo)


  • Given I just had a CP this week, the pain feels very fresh. I work at a place with 5 pregnant women. And at least 5 others trying. I really thought I would be among the next to announce in a few months. Now, I am anxiously waiting to see who will announce next. I will be happy for them and probably throw a pity party for myself. 
  • Just going through a CP now, my first loss, and I'm supposed to throw a baby shower for my good friend at work this week. How do you host a baby shower when you're devastated you just lost your own? It's an awful feeling. I am overjoyed for her - she was there for my first shower for my son, and is the sweetest person in the world, but yet I just don't think I'll be able to get through it without bursting out crying when I see all the newborn gifts. It just sucks. Not sure what I'm going to do yet, or even if I'll be back at work by that time, considering I just started heavily bleeding today. Thankfully my other friend is helping with the shower, so hopefully she can run the show if I just can't be there.

    We won't be TTC again until June, so in the meantime, I know I'll be struggling every time I see another pregnancy announcement or a pregnant person. There was a pregnant receptionist who was about to pop at my clinic this past week when I was getting my HCG levels tested ... I was so jealous. Can we all just skip the stupid 9 months it takes to have a baby and go from positive test to baby in our arms in one day, please?
  • @jen83mn Don't go if you think you can't handle it. I am sure your friend will understand.  This is a time of grieving and you have to get through it the way that works best for you.  Good luck to you.
  • jen83mnjen83mn member
    edited January 2017

    Thank you :) I talked to my friend about it today and am not going to either shower, but am still helping get everything ready for the shower I was supposed to co-host, so at least that's something. I feel bad because while she said she understands, I'm not sure she does (no one can really understand unless they've been through this), but I'm hoping I can have a talk with her when I'm back in the office, personally give her her gift, and let her know that I still want to share in all those exciting moments with her, it's just too hard for me to attend a baby shower right now. Talking with her individually about pregnancy stuff? I can handle that. But considering a lot of my coworkers don't know what's going on (some do), I wouldn't be surprised if someone blurted out, "Who's having the next baby?!" and then things would get all awkward and I would probably bust out crying. So I know not being there is for the best.
  • @jen83mn That sounds like a great plan.  And don't worry about what other people think.  Worry about how you feel.  You cannot control what anyone else feels or thinks, but you can do that for yourself.  Best of luck to you in this difficult time. 
  • I find I can be happy for the people closest to me, my sister in law came to me the Day she found out she was pregnant because she was Terrified of a loss & being supportive for her came naturally to me. And when one of my closest friends took me to lunch because she wanted to tell me of her plans to start trying for baby # 2 I knew it was to give me time to process the news in a more private way.
    I try to remind myself that my little spirit will find its way to me & being happy for a loved one is not a betrayel of my own grief. 
    And when I find myself flushing with anger at a random expectant mother or tearing up at the sound of a strange babys cry... I accept that this too is a part of my grief.
  • So sorry to ask of you for your loss. I miscarried in June at about 6 weeks. When it first happened, I felt like I saw pregnant women everywhere and it was so difficult. The best thing I did for myself was telling my closest friends including a co-worker of mine who was pregnant and has since had her baby. She was so sensitive to my loss and and was careful about talking about her pregnancy. We had a baby shower for her at work a couple weeks after my miscarriage and she made sure to ask me if I was ok before and after the shower. I did not really want to tell anyone when it first happened, but it made it so much easier after I did. I'm doing better now, although it does occasionally hit me when I see pregnant women or see baby announcements. Hopefully, we'll all have exciting announcements soon, too.
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