Help after birth

samuelsgift

Im due in May and wanted to ask other moms about help after baby comes.  My MIL expects that she will be coming to help this time.... This is second pregnancy and I refused her help the first time because I wanted to learn how to be a mom in private. It's been a challenging relationship thus far for me for various reasons. 

This is second pregnancy and I had horrible PPD with my first child whom was born 7 weeks early and although did very well I didn't bond until around 6 months after seeking professional help. I am hoping for a completely different experience this time. I have a lot of fears but am hopeful that maybe MIL won't be so overwhelming this time. (My firstborn child is first grandchild) 

Just trying to generate some ideas on how to include her but not be overwhelmed while I'm trying to rest and bond. Making a schedule for her and toddler?? Any other experienced mamas have insight on how to navigate this?

chickyclg

We had a lot of people come and help after I had my kids.  I had their schedule on the fridge along with a todo list and a grocery list.  My inlaws came over for the first 2 months after they came home and cleaned every Saturday, it was amazing! For the longest time my mom would come pick up my grocery list, our friends were also constantly bring food over or having it delivered, also amazing lol.

I took complete advantage of every one that offered to help us if you can't tell 

mamatowildones

You have to be honest and do what is best for you! It's very easy to offend people when it comes to new baby inclusion but it's most important to do what you need. If her taking the older sibling out for a park date while you nap with baby would help, then by all means let her do it!! I had my mom come because she focused on my oldest and made him feel like someone was always fussing over him just as much as baby. She did laundry, ironing, cleaning, grocery shopping etc before she left and it was amazingly helpful to not have to worry about all that. The best thing in my opinion is to be honest about your wants and needs. Include her in a way that helps you adjust and rest. 

hp_momma

I'm more of a private/do it myself kind of person, which highly offended my MIL when my first DD was born. 
For me, bringing dinner, stopping by to see the baby, and playing with DD1 when I had DD2 was super helpful for me. But I'm the kind of person who doesn't want people to do my laundry or clean my house! 
So I think you have to decide what makes you most comfortable and what would be most helpful for you and then just be upfront with people. "We would love a home cooked meal or for you to take DD/DS out for a few hours while I get some rest with the baby"... 

samuelsgift

H&pmomma: I'm so private.... and I did offend my MIL the first time around but I finally told her I had bonding issues with DS. Hopefully this will be all positive going forward.

Also loved the idea of schedule, to do list and grocery list on fridge;)

hp_momma

samuelsgift said:

H&pmomma: I'm so private.... and I did offend my MIL the first time around but I finally told her I had bonding issues with DS. Hopefully this will be all positive going forward.

Also loved the idea of schedule, to do list and grocery list on fridge;)

It didn't help that my other SILs were not private and ok with MIL coming over and doing whatever she wanted, so I was like the abnormal one. When in reality first time moms have every right to do whatever makes them the most comfortable! 

This time around, I live 2000 miles away from MIL, so as awful as this might sound, I'm somewhat thankful for the quiet and less stress of tons of people in the hospital and around my house right after baby is born. 

carter604

I didn't have my mom or MIL come stay and help either and both were at least mildly offended. They were driving me nuts with "caring" comments about the modern stuff prepping for baby that I heard as critical, and I thought it would do me more harm than good to have them there. We have a housekeeper that comes weekly and all of the modern conveniences of laundry and a dishwasher so I didn't need help around the house and we are comfortable enough financially that I could order in dinner 4 nights a week if I wanted. I didn't feel bad at all. Whatever works for you, mama! Post-birth isn't the time to worry about other people's feelings. 

clebl24

 DH was unexpectedly laid off when DS was 4 days old.  He was home for about 45 days before starting a new job. MIL was over more than I would have liked, but I felt like DH needed the add'l support. When he went back to work and she quit coming over as much 2 things happened: other friends and family came and offered to cook and clean (MIL preferred to hold baby and was demanding about it, which bothered me) and I found some independence, got out and about, and started functioning better as a new mom bc I didn't feel like I was constantly entertaining.  

This time around, I plan to me more assertive while still being kind.  Babies are little for such a short period of time and I don't want to regret not doing it my way, especially since this will likely be our last. 

My mom will also be newly retired for this baby so that will also be a game changer.  

I love the idea of a running to do and grocery list. I'm definitely doing this for baby two.  

emilyalso

To quote @carter604, "Post-birth isn't the time to worry about other people's feelings." 

I cannot agree more! I am worried this time around about taking care of a toddler after a C-section. I am VERY happy for my mom to come (although even she can drive me batty after a while ), and my husband and I have even talked about asking one of my cousins (they helped raise their 7 siblings) to come because she is so sweet.

Under NO circumstances would I allow my MIL to come and stay. Honestly, I don't like her very much, and it would add to my stress level more than any chores it might alleviate. 

I totally play 'childbirth card' here. You have just had a baby exit your body. You are learning about this new baby (possibly your FIRST!) and it is a special and wonderful and stressful and teary and beautiful time. If you want help, BRING IT ON! If you want to go it alone, blaze your trail! Just make sure your voice is heard. 

ChristinaWild

@samuelsgift - I don't know if you're MIL is anything like mine, but what has helped us was coming up with specific things she could help with, and laying them out early. She wants so badly to help, but if I leave her up to her own devices, she just annoys me instead of helping me.

Like you, I really didn't want my in laws taking over our house during the early days of having DS at home. I knew my brother and sister in law (and their kids kids) wanted to see the baby, so I asked my MIL if she could help that day by coming over and making lunch for everyone. This got me off the hook for having to do any kind of entertaining, and instead I got to just lay around. Then, the first week that my husband went back to work, I asked my MIL if she could help me out by going grocery shopping and handed her a very specific list of what we needed. Basically, I just found little chores here and there that let her feel like she was helping me out, without having her sit at the house and stare at us, or try to help with things that felt like crossing weird boundaries (no one needs to be washing my post partum undies but me! LOL).

This go round, I'm thinking of asking her for helping picking DS up from daycare for a couple of weeks. I'm thinking about asking her for some help with some things before the birth, too, just so she feels involved - maybe helping out on the day I do a bunch of batch cooking to freeze stuff.  

schnitz9

I agre in having a discussion with your MIL about it. I too suffered from PPD and PPA after my son was born. I was so thankful that my mom was there for the first 2 weeks and my Inlaws were 15 mins away. I think you need to talk to your MIL about maybe having her come and stay to help. "Help" being the key word and draw out exactly what she can do. Maybe spend time with your toddler taking them to the park or other outside things since it will be May and weather should be nice. Or helping with cooking and cleaning. Kinda staying in the background sounds like what you may be looking for. My mom stayed with us and cooked and did laundry and it was so appreciated. Didn't get in our way and never tried to get involved in actually taking care of the baby. She left that to us. There's no harm in accepting the help but you def need to define exactly what kind of help you need. 

Jkp7749

I love these ideas. Since we'll have three under two everyone keeps harping on how much we'll need help. I'm sure we will, but they are kinda freaking me out. My MIL was talking like they were practically moving in with us. We're building a house and it will be ready about a month after the twins arrive and she's adamant that we need to build her a room (WHAT?!). Anyway, I am private and like to nurse in private. I don't want visitors at my house and I certainly don't want to feel like I have to entertain. They like to watch sports and I hate sports, which seems petty but I don't want to watch sports all day while I'm recovering. Also, everyone keeps talking about how they will take DD and go do x,y, and z but I hate that because although my husband is as involved as he can be, a majority of the time it is just me and my baby and I don't want everyone else playing mommy. It hurts my heart to even think about. And MIL is in another state so she  doesn't know how we do things. I want to do as I want in my own home. I also don't want to hurt her feelings though. We aren't very close and she's very dramatic and thinks DH is still a baby so she will play up anything I do that hurts her feelings. I love the idea of having a list of chores or groceries and scheduling times for her to play with DD. 

Wildflowers and Ferns

My mom has a house about 15 minutes from me but doesn't live there most of the year (long story), but she's going to come and stay near but not with me and help out for the first... as long as she deems needed.  I'm guessing month or so?  If she does nothing but bring me snacks/water while I breastfeed and then put the dishes in the dishwasher I will be content lol.  I'm not good at asking for help but I'm a nervous FTM and my mother and I are decently close, so I'm glad for the offer of help (and yet also for the fact that she won't be at my house ALL the time).

samuelsgift

ChristinaWild said:

"@samuelsgift - I don't know if you're MIL is anything like mine, but what has helped us was coming up with specific things she could help with, and laying them out early. She wants so badly to help, but if I leave her up to her own devices, she just annoys me instead of helping me.

Like you, I really didn't want my in laws taking over our house during the early days of having DS at home."

This is exactly how I feel!! It's almost like I'm obligated to have her there because "that's what my mother did" MIL words.... will see how I feel when it gets closer to the end of pregnancy.

CarmCeG

I'm loving all of your helpful advice! I have a similar issue with both my mother and my MIL. They are both obviously very important to me and I would like to keep them both happy. I mentioned to my MIL that I'd be staying with my mother post birth for a few weeks (maybe even a month) and she was really upset. At the end of the day, I need to do what's best for me & my baby. I told my SO, my plan and he was more than happy because my mother is a better cook (sorry not sorry). My baby would be the first grandkid on both sides & I feel damned no matter what I do. Being with my mom would just be a lot easier as far as help and experience.

Luckyu317

My in-laws came and stayed with ds1 while we were in the hospital having ds2, but that's it. We never had any extra help aside from that. I'm secretly hoping we get some offers once the twins are born, but it will be fine if not, too. **disclaimer, I'm not saying I expect it, just hoping for a freezer meal or two, or for our in-laws to spend some extra time with the older boys.

tenfour

I'm following this. 

I'm so sorry your first experience was so tough and stressful! I've had 2 and still haven't figured out how to deal with guests/help. The first time I told people to come over whenever wherever and that was terrible. I was exhausted and nursing was hard and visitors only made it harder. Plus I always felt like I had to entertain them and clean up after them. NOT helpful. Second time was better just because we cut down on visitors.

This time I feel like I'm going to say, only come if you can bring food, entertain my two older kids, or clean up something. Not sure I actually have the balls to say any of that but we'll see. 

ETA: I just realized something. This is the first time MIL will be living out of state from us during a birth situation. She doesn't work anymore so I am wondering if she'd like to come out for a few days and help. It just really depends on the parent. My mom is around all the time but not amazingly helpful. Everything is all about her and making HER comfortable and making sure she's including and that no one is usurping her grandma role. But I think my MIL would be more up for helping. Hmmm. Glad you posted this so I can start thinking about it. 

Jens_Hoes

I'm a FTM so I have no experience on this personally. But I think it's important that you and your hubby have conversations about what you (and I guess him) want from family and friends. If the issue is on his side, it may be better coming from him to you MIL about what is expected/desired. 
Good luck!

MamaMiller

My family is all local ish- so we thankfully won't have extended guest. I personally am just not comfortable with people coming to clean my house/ do laundry- this would just make me more anxious/ feel guilty. We may make accept a few meals and certainly would greatly appreciate if anyone took the two girls for a bit. For both my previous deliveries I felt fairly normal (aside from my major exhaustion) within two weeks. A new baby we go into survival mode- eat what is easy, clean as we can, and focus on getting to know the new baby. My biggest concern is that my girls get extra love and attention so they can feel secure. I would probably have MIL come entertain DD#1 so your focus can be on baby.I may ask for help in my garden- this a task that will still need upkeep and I know it will be a week or two before I get out there! 

SKZW

tenfour said:

Second time was better just because we cut down on visitors.

This time I feel like I'm going to say, only come if you can bring food, entertain my two older kids, or clean up something. Not sure I actually have the balls to say any of that but we'll see. 

There's nothing wrong with having this attitude, and I hope you (all of you!) end up saying it to people!!!

We didn't have a list per se of chores but each morning we'd all chat about what different things needed to get done that day (sometimes laundry, sometimes vacuuming, or groceries) on top of the daily things like dishes, meal cleanup, etc. That helped to set the tone for the day and if I felt up to it, I'd do things, or my mom or MIL would do them (who were visiting from far away and spending the week, etc.).

I'd also say that, even though planning out how people can assist you ahead of time is a good idea, keep an open mind for things to change, and don't have your ideals too set in stone. There was a long stretch (maybe when DS was a few months old) when I was breastfeeding every hour for a half-hour (I mean, this went on for weeks...) and I had to let some of the control issues go and let people help out in their own way. Sure, it wasn't done exactly how I'd have done it, but a chore's a chore and it got done. But by then, too, we had established routines and had gotten to know this little guy and some of the anxiety had relaxed. Just know going into it that the only constant is change, and every day will be different. Flexibility can be your friend. It just took me awhile to get there.

SKZW

MamaMiller said:

I may ask for help in my garden- this a task that will still need upkeep and I know it will be a week or two before I get out there! 

Gardening is a great task to hand off to someone else. I did that too! For any FTMs, just know that it might be 4, 6, 8 weeks before you're feeling ready to tackle things like this on your own. And that's okay! No one really talks about recovery but it can take a longer time than you think, and it's okay, and it's normal. And it'll force you to work on having patience. 

emilyalso

To echo some of @SKZW's advice about letting go of ideals and knowing it could be longer than you think before you can resume certain tasks... This may go without saying, but all of that will be MORE TRUE if you end up with a C-section. On top of the lack-of-sleep exhaustion, postpartum hormone craziness, and the hungry and crying newborn, you will also be recovering from MAJOR abdominal surgery. Just bear in mind that you will be limited for weeks and weeks. 

Hansolosparka

Chiming in to get away from election coverage- all of my family members are long distance so it's all or. Irking when it comes to help. I just suck it up and let them do whatever they are willing to do. It's a nice relief when they leave and at the same time I usually miss the help. I agree with PPs that being specific with what you want done is important. I also felt like there were times that I needed to be alone with my son and not around guests and made that clear to my helpers. I still felt a little awkward but I'm sure they understood. 

mrsrep123

I thought I knew what I wanted the first time around and that was no help- I wanted my DH, new baby and I to bond as a family. That all changed when we got home from the hospital. I was so exhausted and cried because I couldn't get more than a 2 hour stretch of rest/sleep because of breastfeeding. I called my mom and MIL. MIL came to the rescue and stayed a few days. She was amazing! When the baby was crying in the middle of the night, she came to check what we needed. After I fed him, she'd take him to help him fall asleep so DH and I could sleep. She'd fill up my water and snacks on my nightstand, make meals that I liked, and cleaned without us even having to ask. AMAZING! 

It just goes to show you may not know what you need until you're smack dab in the middle of it all. Luckily, she'd offered this help beforehand (she actually offered to stay a month but I thought that was absurd). 

Jkp7749

@mrsrep123 that sounds dreamy. You must have a wonderful MIL  

mrsrep123

@Jkp7749 I do. Among my siblings, I say I won the MIL race!  Ever since I started dating her son, she has been amazing. Here we are 13 years later, and she's even more amazing!