Navigating Emotions Around Close Friend's Pregnancy

thesupernovagirl

Hi there, I don't believe I've posted here before but I was a Knottie way back. A little about me: We've been TTC for over 3 years now. Not long after we started trying I was experiencing pain and I was told I had an ovarian cyst and that it would likely go away on it's own. Once we finally decided to see a RE after 2 years of no success, he had discovered the cyst was about 4cm and suggested removal. Upon removal they diagnosed me with Endometriosis. My husband was diagnosed with a low sperm count. In March we had more testing and looked into IVF but we couldn't bear the cost. In the last 3 months I found an affordable cash clinic a few hours away that will do a payment plan so we're back on a more successful baby making track finally! Hooray!

Meanwhile, in these 3 years a good friend of mine has met the man of her dreams, got married, and is having a baby next week. I feel like I've done okay with the situation but I can't help but agonize over what I should do. Her shower wasn't typical - coed, open bar, no ceremonial gift opening, and she socialized but didn't talk much to me. They had a gender reveal party too but I didn't attend. The more pregnant she has become, the less social she has been towards me. I don't really know if she is avoiding being too happy in front of me but I suspect that may be happening. One of the last things I said to her was that the next time I saw her she would have a baby and her response was awkwardly lackluster as if she wasn't excited.

Earlier in the week a group email was sent out to close friends and family as a little update to the pregnancy. They baby is breech and they're scheduling a CC. She spelled out all the different options for guests by explaining they could wait in the waiting room, visit while she's in the hospital recovering, and/ or come to the house afterwards to see the baby. She also made it clear that she probably wouldn't feel very social during all of the visits and to not be disappointed if she withdraws by resting. I'm feeling very conflicted about all of this. It wouldn't be my personal preference to entertain anyone outside of immediate family while in the hospital but they clearly seem to want to or feel obligated to. I didn't even go to the hospital for my sister and I waited at least a week to go see their baby because I wanted them to feel comfortable first and foremost. Knowing my friend she has likely deferred anything stressful to her husband now. In her email she said that he would be coordinating visits and to contact him to work out visitation. In her wedding she did this and it was something I didn't completely grasp at first. She is switching into a mode where she no longer wants to make decisions, be in charge, or navigate social politics.

I don't know if I should put her happiness ahead of my own personal conflict. I don't know if she has been really avoiding being happy in front of me. I don't know if it would make her happy to be eagerly pacing with her family in the waiting room or if it wouldn't matter anyway because she would be so wrapped up in her own happiness. I don't know if I should visit in the hospital or wait until they get home.

What complicates this a little more is that I'm not her best friend. She has been careful to not name her best friend as such but they've become closer because they were single and got married in the same timeframe. We used to be much closer and I know she still considers me a close friend but there are times I know I'm outside their circle. In fact I wouldn't say I'm friends with her best friend. We're more like people that spend time together because we are both friends with her.

Is there an expectation of the second best friend? I want to be a good friend and I don't want to perpetuate driving a wedge between us. However, I don't want to show up and feel emotional in my own struggle and risk making her feel bad for me when she should be focused on enjoying her new baby.

Thoughts appreciated!

Polythene Pam

*previous child memtioned*

my college roommate and I were pregnant together 4 years ago, so we'd call, email, chat. She's pregnant again and this time I only saw updates through Facebook. I finally called her to chat and she admitted she didn't turn to me this time as she worried it would be hard for me to hear about her pregnancy or she'd feel bad complaining or saying something wrong. it was good for both of us to open up.

as for visiting, at least me, I visited my sister a day after my niece/nephew were born. For my daughter, we had only immediate family and a full day after she was born. I had complications and was dead exhausted but even without that I would only want family. I guess to me, I give all friends a good week at least, then drop by with a meal and a gift. That first stretch is so overwhelming and I appreciated the company after my husband went back to work. So just me but even if my best friend said hospital visits are ok I'd wait till they got home. Best of luck to you!!

thesupernovagirl

Waiting until they get home makes total sense to me. This is their first so I'm wondering if they are setting the bar too high by inviting a bunch of people. Her hospital stay will be 4 days. At the same time I think I'd struggle being away from home that long and it may be nice to see familiar faces stop in from time to time. My father had really hurt feelings when I didn't visit him in the hospital a few years ago. Maybe I'm just overthinking the whole thing because of that.

kaseylk

I feel like I'm in your exact same shoes! I was once very close to my best friend but we have been driven apart due to another best friend of hers. I am growing up and realizing the important things in life and I feel like they are still in high school with their gossiping and acting perfect to everyone's faces. But I'm still there if she ever needs anything. And she knows that. When she had her babies I waited to go see her at her home during the middle of the day when she was alone so we could chat for a moment and I only stayed about an hour. I would not go and sit in the waiting room with her family and friends and have to listen to all their excitement about the baby. It's okay to put yourself first. Trust me, I've struggled with this for a long time until my husband finally sat me down and said it's time to start thinking about yourself! Let her know your thinking about her and your there for her but don't let her or that other friend make you feel inferior or left out. Maybe this is your wake up call that y'all are moving apart from each other and that's ok. Good luck to you! 

ameliabedelia-2

*child mentioned*

When I was pregnant with my daughter, my two best friends found out they were pregnant within days of me.  We all had our babies together and it was great.  But when we started trying for our second in the summer of 2015,  we didn't have any luck.  Both of my friends ended up pregnant with #2 and have since had their babies. It was a really hard, emotional time for me.  They both know about our struggles to have a second and I felt one of my friends acted much like your friend, sort of closing me off from her pregnancy.  I don't feel the need to be "protected", and it's been hurtful that she has distanced herself from me.  Sometimes life shapes our friendships regardless of whether it's what we want.  I wouldn't focus on titles or who is #1 as comparing yourself to other people will only make you feel worse off.  Focus on being the best friend you can be while still taking care of your own emotional needs. 

As for the hospital visit, I think that is very overrated.  I ended up not visiting either friend in the hospital, and I think that is totally acceptable.  I would let her know up front you would like to give her time to recover and bond with her baby, and would love to come by once they get settled at home. Bring a dish or dessert and try and show your happiness for them.  Good luck! 

oxinfree

Hmmmm that's a tough one my dear, and I'm sorry you're having to navigate it. Here's what I'd do. I would put together a really nicely written, thoughtful, supportive email in response. Basically along the lines of so happy for you, want to support but not intrude, allow you time with new baby and close family blah blah blah. Basically make it clear that you want to support her in any way she needs you to right now, and that you care and can't wait to meet little baby. Send well wishes for a smooth delivery and be done with it.

Just know she probably won't respond right away, she's got lots else to deal with. I think you're friend sounds like she is super cognoscente of how others may be feeling, and although wants support also doesn't want the pressure to entertain. So not going I don't think is going to affect your friendship in the long term as long as you reach out in some way to show you care. Maybe even have a card delivered to her or something. 

I think once baby arrives it might get a little easier and harder all at once. She'll have parenting woes she can't really complain about to you. Your friendship will feel different and that is okay. That being said, I've found that once the baby is here, I find it easier to be around them. Painful sometimes sure, but getting to know my friends' kids over the years has actually also brought me a lot of joy. The pregnancies are always much much more painful. Everyone is different.

Anyways, big hugs, I think at some point you'll need to open up to her and tell her that ignoring you or distancing herself from you is more hurtful, although likely coming from kind intentions to not flaunt her happiness. I found telling my friends that sometimes I'm up for it, and sometimes I'm not and that I still want to be invited but with no obligation to attend (and understanding for when I emotionally or otherwise just can't).

Good luck. Hope you find success on your own journey soon too! xo

mrsdaddario

The only way to find out exactly what is going through her head is to ask. At this point it seems like she's "over it", in regards to talking about visitation. But I think your issue sounds bigger than you being torn about seeing her in the hospital or waiting. I think your issues stem with how she's treated you during this pregnancy, and also how your friendship has faultered since the arrival of her new friend. FWIW, I think that is the issue you need to resolve with her to save your friendship, if that is what you want. Once things settle down with the new baby, I think a conversation about expectations and where you stand in your friendship is necessary. If you can't have that conversation with her, or feel uncomfortable doing so, that alone shows me the friendship isn't genuine. As for now I wouldn't go to the hospital, instead I would wait until they are home and settled. I'm sorry it's such a conflict for you!