Friends don't understand

rainbowwishes5

so this one friend I've confided in during my losses texted me to say- "I haven't told anyone else but I just got a BFP!" And then I congratulate her but don't really engage because it's too painful and I tell her I wish her luck she tells me she prepared for a miscarriage if it happens bc of my experience and her other friend's experience. I told her no, you are never prepared for the death of your child. She didn't respond to that. So now she asks if I want to go out for coffee this weekend. I said I'm not ready to hang out. 
This is sort of a nothing story but I just really bothered me and stayed with me. Am I wrong or missing something? I'm probably just super sensitive.

roxgibbons

The emotions you are feeling are valid. Unfortunately, it's a common theme that more often then not friends and family just don't know what to say or when they do say something it hurts us. All I can say is you come first and you have to take care of you, so if hanging out with her is too much then that's the way it has to be for now. You're dealing with grief and being put in situations that can be triggering are the last thing you need right now. 

amwangel

I have had people say this all the time to me - both when I "just" had two miscarriages and now after losing a baby at 21 weeks, people tell me "Well I'm nervous now after hearing what happened to you!" 

Which: I HAD TO LIVE IT. You don't get to tell me my life is your fear! Bleh. It's definitely one of my pet peeves and I'm so sorry she said that to you.

I have told some of my friends (in the context of another friend's stillbirth) that you should never ever say that to someone who has experienced loss. I think they honestly just don't get it - which is maddening.

justsuzie

@amwangel

I have had people say this all the time to me - both when I "just" had two miscarriages and now after losing a baby at 21 weeks, people tell me "Well I'm nervous now after hearing what happened to you!" 

Which: I HAD TO LIVE IT. You don't get to tell me my life is your fear! Bleh. It's definitely one of my pet peeves and I'm so sorry she said that to you.

I have told some of my friends (in the context of another friend's stillbirth) that you should never ever say that to someone who has experienced loss. I think they honestly just don't get it - which is maddening.

THIS!!! You nailed it, "I had to live it".  I feel like the comments you are mentioning that others have said to you totally disregard your feelings and experience. We don't want to BE victims, but in a way we are, victims of bad luck.  So frustrating and I totally get it.

rainbowwishes5

@roxgibbons thank you lady

@amwangel preach! So true. I'm so very sorry you experienced this. Thoughtless 

SP128

So sorry you have to go through this.  It baffles my mind how people can be so senseless.  Yes, misfortunes like mc can happen.  Yes, it can put some caution in pregnant mommas' minds.  To say it out loud after you lived through it is just insensitive.  As I tell the kids that I do classroom lessons with, "Just because it is in your thought bubble doesn't mean it needs to become a speech bubble."

Take care of yourself and hang out with her only when you are up to it. You are the one that matters the most/  

TScalei

I hate it when people try to diminish what you went through - its common, so many people have problems etc. That just makes me feel worse almost like Im blowing it out of proportion. I told a friend that I had a crappy year and she said "why -what else happened to you? " Its like I think 2 mmcs is enough! Ive learned the best thing to say when someone is going through something like this is Im sorry, how are you doing? and then just listen. I just try to keep talk about this to a minimum around my friends bec I know they are not really going to understand and Im just going to be hurt by what they are saying.

justsuzie

@rainbowwishes5  Just understand that most people are idiots when it comes to understanding how others deal with loss.  I try not to think that they are being insensitive, rather they are just totally clueless. I've been on a 4 weeks "break" from my beset friend because her company was the worst thing for me during the grieving process because she just didn't get it and made me feel dumb for being so sad. Sometimes you just need to take a break from these people.  Your true friends will understand, and the rest, you don't need in your life. 

It also bugs me when people comment that I was ONLY 6 weeks along and it "wasn't even really a baby yet."  

rainbowwishes5

@justsuzie you are right- I need a break. 
And it's heartbreaking that anyone would ever say to you that your baby basically doesn't matter bc they were so young. Your baby matters. Your baby was in this world. I'm sorry.

kidria

OMG! I just posted a rant about this same topic. A good friend wanting me to share in the joy of her amazing first scan. I asked her about it. Told her I was happy for her then asked her not to share any more details about it. Too triggering. Now she's hurt and disappointed in me. Ugh. 

What I am learning from everyone here is the amazing depth of grief and sadness that comes with losing a baby and continuing to try again. It is heart breaking and gut wrenching. It is all we can do to take care of ourselves and our own healing.

I am also impressed beyond belief by the resilience and strength I see here everyday. Virtual strangers supporting each other, caring for people they've never met, and holding others up in dark times...it's really heart warming. 

rainbowwishes5

@kidria you are right. All the women here are beautiful like that. It's amazing.

KarenBeth714

Yup... you need to come here just to realize what you're feeling is normal. And it is. hope your days get brighter everyone.