Never been pregnant - really, really long post

HopefulLily

Hello everyone. I've been around these boards for a little over a month now, commenting here and there but never posted an official introduction thread. Basically I wanted to start this thread to see if there are any other gals out there in the same boat as me.  Also I just feel like I need to write this all down. This seemed like a good place to share it. So if your up for it grab some tea and get comfy, this is the long version of a medium sized story.

I am 35 and have never been pregnant before, no losses, no chemicals, no ectopics, nothing. Never a BFP. And I'm scared that I never will be.

One drunken evening at a party in college I let an equally drunk pseudo-intellectual do a palm reading on me and he said that I would never have children. He claimed he learned this ancient art from his Italian grandmother and he knew what he was talking about. While I believe in my rational brain that palm reading is complete garbage, this has haunted me throughout my adult life.

Another thing that has been haunting me is that classic question: "when are you do?" I am overweight, but not obese. I've always carried a little weight on my stomach, even when I was thinner. Even when I was at my thinnest in high school and ran 60 miles a week in cross country, I still had a bit of a tummy. I have had people ask me when I was due a number of times, which when it first happened in my early 20s it really bothered me. Why do total strangers think this is an appropriate question to ask a woman? I was like, I'm not even fat, why is this happening? I would joke with my friend that the next time this happens I'm going to say, "well, I don't know, I'm not going to keep it." just to shut people up, but I never did. I usually would just say, "Nope!" and walk away, and I would think, well, not wearing this shirt/skirt combo again. I read once that someone asked Sarah Michelle Gellar that question when she wasn't pregnant, and that made me feel better, as silly as that sounds. But now that I've been TTC for so long, when someone asks me this I want to cry and/or punch them in the face.

I had my first boyfriend in college, and I never used BCP (until years later when instructed by RE during IVF cycle), but always, always used condoms, and always had a bit of an irregular period, it would range anywhere between 28 and 45 days. This would be nerve racking at times before I was married as any time my period was late I would always worry that I was pregnant, and oh no what would I do, but of course AF eventually showed up and everything was fine.

I tell you these random things to put my anxiety into perspective. Never been pregnant + dumb palm reader + being asked when I'm due = Me being (perhaps irrationally) worried that I never, ever, will.

Fast forward to getting married at 28, and after about a year or so DH and I just stopped using condoms. We weren't officially trying to get pregnant but we thought hey, if we do, great! Fast forward another couple of years and we were like, huh, still not pregnant, maybe we should talk to our doctor. So I went in to my primary care doctor and she said she thought I might have PCOS, so she said I should go see an OB.

So I go see an OB. She says, yeah, you might have PCOS, but if you do it's pretty mild, lets start you on clomid and metformin and do some natural cycles that way. I also decide to start seeing an acupuncturist, because why not. Anything to help. Clomid did seem to be helping, my cycle got very regular, I would try to test for ovulation but I never seemed to get a super big dark line, and we did this for about 3 months and no luck. My OB then recommended the next step which she said was clomid and IUIs. We also at some point had a HSG that showed every thing was normal and DH had his sperm tested and that was normal too. It all seemed good, so we did our 2 IUIs at the OBs office. I was a little frustrated because they did not seem to do them in a timely manner because they were closed on weekends, so I would get a strongish line on the OPK and would call them on a Friday and they would schedule me for a Monday. Which was probably way too late. I felt like those cycles were a total waste of time and money. I also was going to do a 3rd IUI at their office one time and they must have mishandled DHs sample because they came back after we waited for 40 mins in the exam room and said sorry, the little guys just aren't moving.

At that point I was quite frustrated so I asked my OB if she could recommend me to a specialist, because I felt like there must be a better way than this! She recommended me to one, and I felt confident again! This office was so much more scientific with their cycles, they did so much more testing and they were open on weekends and they had me do trigger shots to make sure I ovulated, etc. My RE basically said she didn't consider any of my cycles with the OB as real tries because of the weekend issue and the fact that they did no monitoring throughout, so we did 3 cycles of IUIs on clomid plus trigger shots with the RE's office. Still nothing.

Up to this point I had always thought there is no way I could do IVF, its just too expensive, there's just no way. Well, we reached this point, and I thought to myself, well I have to do IVF. I can't not have a baby. I guess it really wasn't until this point that I really realized I wanted a baby so badly, I felt if I don't have one I will never be happy again. I had always thought my whole life that I would eventually have kids but I had never felt so desperate as I did then.

So we take out a huge loan and rack up more credit card debt and we started IVF in September. I felt very confident. Our REs office has terrific success rates, much higher than the national average. The retrieval cycle went really well for me. The subcutaneous injections were tough but we got through them. On September 15th I had 24 eggs retrieved. 23 of them fertilized with ICSI, 17 made it to day 5 and were frozen, 14 tested PGS normal. 10 boys and 4 girls. I was at moderate risk for OHSS, but I felt back to normal about 2 weeks after the retrieval. Since we wanted to do PGS testing we didn't plan on a fresh transfer anyway so it gave my body time to recover.

So I was so elated, I had 14 embryos, I'll never have to do that again! But this is where I started to worry. If DH and I can make so many great embryos, why are we not pregnant at this point? Because it sure doesn't seem like egg & sperm quality is an issue. So then all I can think about is that it's an issue with me. My body. Implantation. We are scheduled for our first FET on November 14th. We are going to be transferring 2 embryos, one boy and one girl. At our planning appointment for the cycle with our RE she did mention how it did make her wonder, to have so many great embryos and yet we've never had a BFP. She didn't seem too worried though, she was like, you still have really great chances of this succeeding, she said 80% of women your age with PGS tested embryos who transfer 2 get a BFP. I was not convinced though. My mind plays tricks on me. She probably says that to all the girls because she just wants to make money. But then I thought, well no, she would want to keep her success rates high so she wouldn't say that to just anyone because she wouldn't want to ruin her numbers. I asked her if there was anything I could do to increase chances, I mentioned things I had read on the internet. She sort of looked at me like I was an idiot, but tried to reassure me and explain that they were going to do everything they could. That this protocol works for many women, but that there is just some unknowns when it comes to implantation, they don't always know why it does or doesn't work. I try to tell myself to be optimistic but it's difficult.

DH seems to think that if I just stay positive it will work, like it's some how magically tied to me believing in it. I can't do that though, I wish I could. As much as I want this I just don't know that it will work, I want it to work so badly but I am quite fearful that it won't. The RE says not to worry, that we have so many embryos if it doesn't work this time we can try again. But I am already so drained, emotionally and financially. I don't know how many failed transfers I can go through. And yet since I'm 35 I feel like I'm running out of time, there's no time to waste, you're getting up there lady, the door is closing! I once had an older woman who was friends with my mom tell me this when I was like 32. Better have kids soon, you're not getting any younger! Even then she was convinced I was too old. I wanted to punch her in the face!

Throughout this whole process it has felt like everyone I know is having babies except for me. At one point I literally knew 8 people on facebook who were pregnant at the same time. It is crushing. I saw people who got pregnant accidentally, people having their second kids in amount of time that we have been trying to have our first; friends, cousins, coworkers, people 10 years younger than me or 5 years older having babies no problem. It is so hard. I sometimes skip parties and family events where I know there will be babies, children, or pregnant ladies. But then other times I will go to a baby shower or some other social event and try and put on a happy face while feeling like I'm on the verge of tears the whole time.

A lot of people know what I am going through so they will try to be supportive, but then other times people can say things that just set me off. A few of my favorites: Just stop worrying about it and it will happen! (Oh ok! I'll do that. I'll just stop worrying about one of the most important things in my life.) or Why don't you just do IVF? (like it's so easy, bam just do IVF and you will have a baby! Well let me tell you why that's not just a simple decision, first of all it's no guarantee and it's completely emotionally and financially draining! Of course this is what we ended up doing but I still always hated the casual way people suggested it to me, like it was so easy). Another favorite: Hey, have you thought about adoption? (Like, oh no I hadn't, thanks for the suggestion! Adoption is such a simple fix, it's free to just go out and find a baby, they're just giving them away! And adopting a baby means I magically won't want a biological one anymore! Not! Not! Not! Although I do admire folks who go that route, I just don't think its the right one for me.). Maybe one of the hardest parts of this whole journey, which no one really warns you about, it all the waiting. the 2WW, the waiting for a cycle to start, the waiting for AF to come, so much waiting, always waiting. Time goes so slowly when you are TTC.

And that's about all I've got in me for today (as if it's not enough, haha!). If you've made it this far, I sincerely thank you for reading. I've glossed over some details, gone into others. I am beyond neurotic at this point which was why I just had to write this down and share it with folks who know what I'm going through, and yet other times I'm weirdly calm about the whole thing. Becoming a mother feels so far away, like untouchable to me, and yet I've had these glimpses here and there that it can be a reality some day. I really hope it is. Wondering if there's anyone else out there who can share some similar experiences. Would love to hear your stories. Thank you for reading.

PennStateCait

Hi and welcome! It's hard not to be neurotic through ttc and then especially when it takes too long, don't be too hard on yourself with that. 

Feel free to join the IVF threads here! I know you'll find the support you're looking for here. My fingers are crossed for you!

babymish

Welcome @HopefulLily That was definitely the longest intro I have ever read, but you're a nice writer so it flew by.

I'm sorry to hear of all the worry and frustration you have experienced, we can definitely all relate to that. Your embryo numbers are amazing! I know its hard to remain optimistic and being pessimistic feels like the safer option. So you keep doing what ever you need to do to get you through and we will be optimistic for you. 

Good luck for your FET on Nov 14th!

HopefulLily

Thank you @PennStateCait, I did join the Nov FET thread and it has been nice to have some others to go through this with!

Thank you @babymish for reading my long post, haha! I almost considered not even posting it because it was so long, or chopping some stuff off, but I just went for it. I appreciate you reading it. Good luck to you as well!

Esperer

@HopefulLily - welcome!  I have definitely had moments where I relate to your feeling of "what if this never happens?" - I have also never had a BFP and have gone through many failed months of medicated cycles, IUIs and a failed fresh transfer after my first IVF cycle.  It's hard not to go to that negative place sometimes when you have been through so much disappointment.  Your embryo numbers are AWESOME, I hope you are able to find some comfort in that.  I read an article a couple weeks ago about mindful breathing and as cheesy as it sounds, it has actually helped me so maybe it will help you too.  When my mind starts to spin out of control with those negative thoughts, I shut my office door, close my eyes, and take 10 deep breaths, focusing only on my breaths - in, out, in, out.  The article basically said that the act of focusing on thinking only about your breathing distracts you from thinking the negative thoughts, so it helps to change your frame of mind somehow.  In any case, I find it calms me when I get that anxious feeling, so thought I would share.  Rooting for you for your FET in a couple weeks!

HopefulLily

@Esperer Thank you so much for your reply! I have tried some mindfulness stuff too, but I don't remember to do it as often as I should! I've also been getting a massage once a week, my insurance doesn't cover any infertility stuff but they do cover up to like 70 massage appointments a year or something and since we've reached our out of pocket for the year I'm gonna get as many as I can, haha! That has been helping but it's hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay all the time. I mean, I struggled with anxiety before TTC, so it's not new to me. I especially have a hard time this time of year when it starts to get dark early, I miss the sunshine! Anyway thank you, best of luck to you as well!

DDRGirlie

@HopefulLily  I kind of in the same boat.  DH and I have been TTC for 7 years and nothing has happened.  I didn't have a bootleg palm reading, but I had a plan of how I wanted my life to be that I created at like 21.  I'm 34 now and in my plan I should have had 2 kids by now, with the oldest being 5 or 6.  I was either going to dwell and feel like a failure but I decided that I got to the point in my life where I was willing to accept a childless life.  Not to say I never got upset over not having children.  In NY, you always hear stories on the news of how people abuse their children and that would always make me so upset.  Why is it so easy for these @$$ to have kids and people who want one so badly have to go through so much?  That's what grinds my gears.

All i want is one healthy baby.

mrsdaddario

I'm sorry you are finding yourself here. With the exception of starting IVF, your age, and the palm reading lol, I could have written that myself.

I'm 28 with mild PCOS, clear tubes and a DH with stellar sperm. I respond well to medication and yet we're 5 failed medicated cycles in. No BFP ever. Currently on our sixth cycle, second of injectables. My office is starting to wonder if my immune system is preventing me from getting pregnant. If perhaps it's treating the sperm and/or follicles/embryos as invaders. They've put me on prednisone and low dose naltrexone to kind of quiet my immune system. Perhaps that's something to ask your RE about before your transfer. But the good news is you have amazing numbers!

oxinfree

@HopefulLily Okay here goes my long winded answer.

Since you already have so many PGS embryos waiting, age is no longer a factor. Age affects egg quality, not implantation... so relieve yourself knowing you've done all you can to set yourself up for success in that regard. Moving forward, your eggs remain at the age of 35... so even if you transfer at 45, you have younger eggs going in

I'm really disappointed in your OB. Part of why you are feeling so defeated is very likely attributed to the fact that you haven't had the care you deserved. When we find out after the fact that we should have been doing things differently it makes us frustrated for lost efforts, and causes us to lose trust in our providers. You're onto IVF which is a whole new ball game, so I would encourage you to really try and give it the chance/hope it deserves. 

In terms of the palm reading concerns. I totally get that. Listen, I read tarot, and I can tell you that NOTHING is set in stone. EVER. Much of what happens in our life is out of our control perhaps, but we are an ACTIVE participant with the power to change our course. If a psychic told me that I would die of a heart attack at a young age and I actively made the necessary lifestyle changes in fear of it coming true, then maybe I'd end up not having the heart attack. Of course, then I might wonder if I was ever at risk to begin with but who cares, I'm healthy and alive... unfortunately, when we're told something we feel like we have no control over, such as getting pregnant, we fall down a spiral of negativity, when in fact we are still an active participant. We can throw in the towel and accept the (possible) outcome we were told of, or we can take all the steps to change it. The palm reader is only seeing one POSSIBLE course. There are always many other equally plausible paths... 

You say you are a bit overweight. If you really want a baby, a healthy bmi is a good thing to focus on. It won't be the be-all end-all as many women with high bmi's get pregnant without assistance and go on to have successful pregnancies. But I mention it simply because it is one thing you can put your effort into.

The biggest thing in my opinion that you can do for yourself is your mindset though. It is so SO hard, (look at my signature and you'll see I haven't a rainbow and sunshine story myself), but it is also so so important. This journey will break us down repeatedly but we have the choice to stand up and maintain our hope. It is a choice, and not an easy one, but I assure you it can be done. I have had to focus on a positive mindset for myself this cycle. I, like you, have never once in my life had a positive. We've been trying a long time with many disappointments. Our embryos always look great and no implantation. I began believing that I would never get pregnant and I wanted to give up. 

Recently I've gotten into meditations, affirmations and visualizations and can tell you I'm feeling so much better going into my upcoming FET (which I'm doing a full immune protocol for which I had to actively advocate for). I watched an interesting youtube video from Oprah's show recently that I felt spoke to this sort of visualization concept really well. 

https://youtu.be/nPU5bjzLZX0

You can also look up Circle and Bloom meditations, they're great. Also, there's a few short free ones (and some amazing low cost ones) via  https://vibrationalchild.com/

This infertility journey is not an easy one. You are so strong for making it this far. Applaud yourself, be proud of the lengths you have gone to have your child. I am wishing you so much success on this upcoming cycle. PM me if you ever need an understanding ear or a cheerleader Big big hugs. 

shauna43

2

HopefulLily

@DDRGirlie Thank you for replying! I totally understand the feeling. I am sending you good thoughts that you will one day have your baby. 

@mrsdaddario Thank you for the reply! I wish you the best of luck as well. I did ask my RE about the immune system thing and she said I was jumping the gun a little, that we should at least see how this first transfer goes since this might be all it takes. If we don't have success I'll definitely be asking her more questions though!

@oxinfree Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I really appreciate it. You bring up a good point about positivity, I really do try to be positive, and I do think I usually operate on a little more optimism than I may have shown in my original post, I think I was just having a tough day today, and really for no reason at all. I kind of just wrote out all my negative thoughts, almost like maybe typing them up will help get them out of my head, but I do have positive ones too, I need to remember to focus on those. As for the weight thing that is definitely something I have been trying to work on, but I have not been as good about working out/being active since my egg retrieval, I kind of have been feeling blah ever since but it would feel good if I was a little more active. Keep me posted on your journey as well, I am rooting for you!

HopefulLily

@shauna43 Thank you! I wish you the best of luck. I am on the Nov FET Buddies thread but I will have to do a little post on the Nov/Dec thread as well. 

It's so helpful having this community to talk to, I really can't thank you all enough for your replies!

funkykey

@HopefulLily - ha, if it makes you feel any better, I posted a GIANT long introduction today over at the "Trouble TTC" board myself, before I saw yours. I was feeling totally self-conscious about it. I loved reading yours - I mean, I hate that you're going through all of this (that sucks), but I like all the context!

Ok, here goes - in order of my thoughts:

1. Whoever asked Sarah Michelle Gellar that was an idiot. It is likely the same for you.
2. What a RUDE question! When people ask you that, you can always yell: "RUDE!"
3. I've never been pregnant either, I don't think. But my blood has some funky antibodies, which makes me think maybe I was (very briefly) pregnant and never knew? Either that or a superhero?
4. IVF is so stupid expensive, it sucks. Those crooks! It's worse because by the time you get there, you've already spent a fortune on other BS fertility stuff, when you add it all up - like, had you known, you would have gone straight to IVF, right?
5. Re: FET I'd be scared too. I mean, even for us, after failing so many times, I have so little hope in any of the treatments. One day at a time.
6. Re: your mom's friend who made a comment about you not getting any younger - um, also rude. Who are these people who think that is okay to talk like that to childless married couples in their early 30s?!!
7. That "just stop worrying about it and it will happen" is the worse. Now, I almost always respond with: "You're ignorant. That's ignorant." and then talk about how people take their good health for granted all the time, and start pointedly asking the person who said that: "like, imagine what you would do if your body repeatedly failed you and doctors couldn't find out why. Imagine how you'd feel." (I'm more a "fighter" than a "lover" though - hahaha! ) 
8. I read that the first thing they ask infertile couples when they look at adoption is: "have you mourned your own biological child?". I admire that route too, and before I met DH I thought I was open to it, and then I fell in love and I wanted our baby, like with his eyebrows. I wanted to mash our cells together. Go figure. 

And, most importantly: 
OMG, I am so superstitious. It is a dark secret for me, because it really is shameful! I have spent so many nights looking at the "relationship" and "child" lines on my palm, thinking: "I guess I won't have children, but at least my marriage is strong." 

DH works at a physics lab and has spent his career looking at proof of the universe and its matter/how it behaves. I so admire and respect it, but compared to him, I am like some rain-dancing kook from the forest. We had a streak of bad luck for a while, and I obsessively read about Feng Shui to try to correct it. He was like: "Honey, come on. Us not having matching nightstands is not why we had to go to the Emergency Room." but I was like: "Since you don't believe, I have to protect us both!" When we first met, I almost didn't date him because our star signs weren't compatible enough. He was like: "Seriously?!" and sent me like 18 links to articles about astronomy looking at how there was no connection between personalities and the stars, and also making the point that even if there were, the star alignment that horoscopes are based on is now 5000 years out-of-date, like: "please give me a chance". So cute!

I have to remind myself, constantly, that:
a) the lines on your palms do change
b) I only think about superstitions in times of great stress, like when I can't get pregnant and no doctor can tell me why
c) palm reading is basically the same as phrenology, which has been thoroughly debunked.
d) I need to think less about Feng Shui, because I'm losing it. I keep trying to sneak matching lamps into the bedroom, but DH would FOR SURE know what was up, and be like: "did you just spend more money on Feng Shui?"

I also think about how these superstitions are basically mystical thinking, which is a cognitive distortion, and about how dangerous pseudoscience (like phrenology) can be. Think about that Leonardo DiCaprio character in Django Unchained, about his use of phrenology. Or bleeding people with leeches to make them well and "rebalance their humors", etc etc. It's in that realm.

I remind myself that I'm on the cutting edge of medicine - experiencing something that science hasn't yet explained (why, exactly, haven't I conceived?), and to cope, I'm turning to mysticism. 

But - between us - while I don't have a child line on my palm either, I did see a psychic once who told me: "If you want to have children, you will need to take matters into your own hands."     

ReesaAnne16

funkykey said:

... He was like: "Honey, come on. Us not having matching nightstands is not why we had to go to the Emergency Room." 
.... I keep trying to sneak matching lamps into the bedroom, but DH would FOR SURE know what was up, and be like: "did you just spend more money on Feng Shui?"

I'm sitting in bed right now side eyeing my unmatching night stands wondering "could this be the reason after all?!?"

HopefulLily

@funkykey oh my gosh thank you for your reply, you made me chuckle many times, and I am glad to know I'm not alone! I never thought of my self as supersitious, and seriously in my rational brain I do think that stuff is totally phewy but I could never get that dumb palm reading out of my mind, I feel so stupid for still thinking about it to this day, but I'm sure it will always be in the back of my mind until I have my first baby. I am trying to have more of the mindset now where I'm like determinded to prove that guy wrong!! 

Oh but thanks for bringing up the night stands, I don't have matching nightstands either, dang it! Haha! 

funkykey

@ReesaAnne16 @HopefulLily hahaha! I actually went out and bought matching nightstands and a mirror to put over our mantle (OMG - so crazy - to "reflect good chi back into our home") - the whole time DH was like: "this is madness", but I was like: "Look, I don't believe - but I don't not believe." It made me feel better at the time anyway, even if it didn't do anything, and the nightstands look pretty good. I hadn't actually bought the matching lamps yet, but I keep thinking: "maybe, maybe", and checking out West Elm... As I said, I'm like a rain-dancing kook from the forest - I think it's a coping mechanism...

But it can start to get really bad- BE CAREFUL! We're planning a renovation right now, and I totally overwhelmed. It's not just figuring out what I like, it's also figuring out the layout, what kind of "energy" do I have in my "family corner", how do my colour choices support or reflect DH's birth chart and my birth chart, etc. I keep thinking people will walk into our new place and be like: "wow, this is so harmonious", and I will be like: "that was not an accident". 

sberries

*TW:  Pregnancy mentioned

@hopefullily Thank you so much for sharing your story.  Your journey reminds me so much of my own.  I'd like to share my story with you in hopes that it will help you along your journey.

My husband and I were married in February 2013.  He was 34 and I was 33.  We pretty much tried starting a family immediately, but no luck.  I mentioned this to my regular doctor and she said we needed to wait another six months before going to an OB.  I never had regular periods went 9 months without a period after coming off birth control.  After trying for a year, we finally went to see an OB.  He did a thorough work-up and thought I might have PCOS.  We tried Clomid for 4 cycles.  It did induce ovulation (although days after it should have), but we never got pregnant.  The OB referred us to a fertility specialist who ran even more tests.  DH was totally fine, my tubes were clear, AMH levels were fine.  He seemed to think that with a little help, we could get pregnant.  We decided to try IUI first to try and save a little money over IVF.  Before the IUI we discovered I had uterine polyps.  Nothing like hearing you need a $3,000 surgery! 

After recovering from the surgery we were finally able to try an IUI.  DH and I were so excited...but I overreacted to the stims and had 8 follicles, way too many so we had to cancel the cylcle.  Next cycle, we reduced the medicine by half and again I overreacted which led to another canceled cycle.  By that point, DH and I decided to move on to IVF.  We figured that if my ovaries were going to overreact, may as well do an egg retrieval. 

We prepped for the egg retrieval and the Friday before the procedure, it was clear I was going to be a candidate for OHSS.  We triggered over a weekend and I was scheduled to go in Monday morning.  I was already starting to get sick.  By the time the surgery came I was so ready to get it over with because I thought I would feel better.  I woke up from the surgery and threw up, threw up 3 times on the way home.  I was out of work for a week.  6 days after the procedure we found out by brother-in-law and sister-in-law were pregnant with their 3rd baby...an accidental pregnancy.  I cannot even tell you how much this devastated me.  They were going to have 3 kids and I was sick as a dog just trying to have 1?  I would feel so guilty having these feelings, but I just couldn't help it.  When it was all said and done, we ended up with 4 embryos after PGD testing.  4.  I was so upset.  The thought of having to do another egg retrieval was horrifying.  I hoped and prayed one of the embryos would work for us.

I was too sick for a transfer so had to wait.  Got my period, but had too many cysts.  More waiting.  Found another polyp.  Another surgery.  Finally in June 2015 everything seemed to be moving a long for a transfer until my lining check.  We were at a 6.  Too low for a transfer so we cancelled.  Next cycle to tried vaginal Viagra to help with the lining.  I ended up with a 4.  Another canceled cycle.  Another cycle, another 4.  Did an endometrial biopsy to see if lining was in phase.  It wasn't.  In all the time that passed my sister-in-law had her baby.  I was so happy to meet my niece, but being in that hospital room was gut wrenching.  Both the DH and I were just devastated driving home.  Why was something we wanted so bad unattainable for us?

Next cycle tried stims to see if my lining would plump up with my natural hormones.  Lining went to 5, but progesterone started early.  Had to cancel.  Next cycle tried the same protocol, got the same result.  Then we found another polyp and had another surgery.  At this point I was ready for a break and my RE thought it was a good idea.  He worked his tail off trying to find a solution for my thin lining and we switched everything up.  He mentioned that the thickest lining I ever had was after the egg retrieval.  We decided to go for it.  We cut the stims down by half since I overreacted so bad the first time.  Did labs before the egg retrieval and found out progesterone started early again so wouldn't be able to do a transfer.  We decided to go through with it since we already spent the money on the drugs and only had 4 embryos.  We did much better with that retrieval.  I still got sick, but not as bad.  We ended up with 11 normal embryos after PGD testing.  But I couldn't help but wonder, were we going to able to use these?

Next cycle we tried low dose stims again to help with lining, but progesterone spiked early AGAIN.  Had to cancel.  We were more than devastated.  RE said next cycle we would go back to a Lupron prep cycle and that if my lining was thin, they were just going to go for it.  We had literally tried EVERYTHING and I got the feeling he was out of ideas. 

On the Lupron prep, my lining was still thin, but the RE started to notice the triple stripe look he liked to see.  We tapped out at 5.5 for the lining, but still decided to go for it.  We were finally able to do a transfer after a year and a half with our RE.  The two week wait was terrible.  I kept trying to tell myself that it was a miracle that we even got to do a transfer, but in my heart I knew that wasn't enough.  I was a mess the morning of my pregnancy test.  I almost didn't even want to take it because not knowing would be easier than hearing it was negative.  After an hour sitting by the phone, the doctor finally called and we were pregnant.  I fell to the floor in my office.  I couldn't believe it!  We are now 4 months along.

There was a sign in my RE's office that said "Once you choose hope, anything is possible".  I swear that sign got me through all those appointments.  I still can't believe how lucky we were to get pregnant from a 5.5 lining. 

I know everything you are going through.  Avoiding baby showers.  Looking around and seeing everyone pregnant but you.  Wondering if you should keep going or give up.  Wondering if the financial burden will pay off.  Having to deal with rude people making comments about your age and starting a family.  Feeling sad at family gatherings because everyone but you has kids.  Feeling guilty because the problem isn't with your husband, it is with you.  I know it all.

All I can say is to keep your faith and your hope and to keep trying.  You never know when the good news will come.  And when it does, all the horrible times you went through fade in the background. 

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible".

Good luck with your IVF journey...you and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.

HopefulLily

@sberries thank you so much for sharing your story! That is my new favorite quote, "once you choose hope, anything is possible." Thank you so much, wishing you the very best!!

Hoping4Success

Speaking of nightstands when we got our bedroom set we only got one well yesturday i was telling dh we need another one lol

mtpbadger

@hopefullily I'm so sorry you find yourself here and I can totally relate to what you have been through and some of your thoughts. 

I totally checked to see if our night stands match, they do as do our bedroom lamps, so there goes that theory for me! 

JamieH2000

@hopefullily- love the long intro! It's so nice really getting to know others on here. A lot of what you said has resonated with me. I have often thought what if it never happens? It's the scariest thing but I feel so hopeful for you! I don't know if I have ever seen anyone with 14 Pgs normal frosties! that is seriously amazing. I had a friend who had 5, and it took till the 4th transfer for it to stick, but there is no way your RE can't get you pregnant with 14 shots. Hopefully you don't need all those and some day you will be facing the dilemma of what to do with the extras can't wait to hear how the transfer goes!

rainbowwishes5

I get it. The absolute negative feelings. I can't give good advice here- only commiserations. I get it, girl. And welcome.

HopefulLily

@rainbowwishes5 @JamieH2000 thank you ladies!

tiffanyw1783

@HopefulLily I definitely understand where you're coming from. I'm only 32 but me and DH have been trying for 8 years. I didn't have near as successful retrieval as you but I do finally have some hope that maybe I'll get pregnant finally. My first IVF cycle we only got 2 embryos and neither implanted. This time we have 4 frozen embryos that all look great per our RE and the embryologist. It's so hard to stay hopeful and positive. People who haven't ridden the emotional roller coaster of IVF and other fertility treatments don't understand! It's good to have these boards to help out though! You can't lose hope!!

babymish

ReesaAnne16 said:

funkykey said:

... He was like: "Honey, come on. Us not having matching nightstands is not why we had to go to the Emergency Room." 
.... I keep trying to sneak matching lamps into the bedroom, but DH would FOR SURE know what was up, and be like: "did you just spend more money on Feng Shui?"

I'm sitting in bed right now side eyeing my unmatching night stands wondering "could this be the reason after all?!?"

Oh man, me too! I wonder how many of us have unlatching night stands :S 

JMScott12

It sucks to be a member of this community, each aspect of the infertility process is so difficult. But we're lucky that these forums exist. That we are able to communicate with others who Get It. Who really get it. I don't have any great advice to share but I can certainly agree with what many of the others have posted. It's so hard to be on this journey. Nothing has worked yet so it's so easy to get sucked into negative thinking and self doubt. I often wonder about past events and choices and wonder what impact they've had on our fertility. DH had a stellar SA so our inability to conceive falls to some fault with me. Probably. Maybe.  It makes it easy to point the finger at myself. But really, that doesn't matter. We love each other. I want him to be the father to my children, and he wants me to be the mother to his. So where ever the "blame" lies we're happily stuck with each other and doing our best to work through it.
But there is hope. Your response to the IVF protocol is amazing. That's such a fantastic number of embryos. FX that you continue to have success. 

HopefulLily

Well today has been a pretty good day so far. Went in to the REs office for some blood work and had a lining check, my lining is at 8 which my RE said was great, we don't have to check it again before the transfer on the 14th. (Seems like a long time between now and then to me, but she's the expert). Their whole office decorates & dresses up for Halloween and they did a Dr Seuss theme, my nurse was dressed as Thing 2 from the Cat in the Hat, it was cute. The decorations were fun too. It was nice and cheery which really just lifted my spirits. That and the phlebotomist I had was perfect today, I hardly felt a thing when she poked me, and a song I really love was playing while I got my blood draw, all these things just made me feel happy and optimistic. I'll take the positivity wherever I can get it! My next appointment is just blood work on the 9th after starting PIO on the 8th, then the transfer on the 14th.

DDRGirlie

@HopefulLily  Thats really great.  Halloween is my favorite. I'm sure the staff had a great time decorating.  And as a healthcare worker I know that happy nurses make for happy patients.
I have gone to a few clinics and one in particular had the meanest nurse.  I work in the OR, 5 days a week, 630a-230p.  Not exactly a great schedule when going through IVF.  I know one of my coworkers was able to go to this clinic at 6a because she had the same shift.  When I asked the nurse about this, she flat out said to me - honey you need to decide whats more import to you.  Work or a baby.  I wanted to punch her and cry at the same time.  I need to work to pay for all of this and that dumb nurses salary.  UGH.  Needless to say, I told my RE my experience and he knew exactly what nurse i was talking about.  

Anyway, I've gotten so off topic!

@JMScott12 I'm not one for giving advice either, but I'm happy that we can all come together here, with our various levels of experiences and knowledge. Because you're right - we really do understand what each of us is going through.  It doesn't matter who the reason is for having trouble.  I always make it a point when people ask me, do you have kids, why not, etc to say We cannot get pregnant.  It takes to two to make a baby - or not.

HopefulLily

@DDRGirlie wow that nurse was a jerk! I really can't stand it when people say stuff like that, it's so ignorant really, when you think about it. Hello, can't afford all this IVF stuff without working, unless I magically win the lottery or something, haha!

Tusername

@HopefulLily Hi there! I just wanted to share a piece of my story with you. TW, BFP mentioned. 
DH and I tried for years and nothing ever happened, all tests normal. My ER went great, similar to yours and my first FET was BFP but not lasting, 2nd FET BFP and things are going great so far. So, it's totally possible to have everything perfect, had never become pregnant (even through IUI's) and then it work out. Your mind is playing tricks on you and working against you right now. Take it day by day- you got this! Good luck!