WWYD: Name

emy730

A little back story: when my brother was in 7th grade (so like 12 or 13), his good friend hung himself. It happened seemingly out of nowhere and was obviously devastating for his family and friends. My brother has never really been the same since his friend's death. He did the typical kid stuff and acted out a ton while he was in high school. When he was in college, he started getting in a lot of legal trouble and then we found out he had been doing drugs and was drinking like crazy. He's now 28, and finally starting to get his life back on track and is doing really well. I've always suspected the death of his friend played a large role in his destructive behaviors, but my family isn't the type that really discusses these things. 

We are expecting a boy this time around and have been struggling to find a name we both like. I suggested the name Caleb to H today, and he said he liked it. The only problem is, that was my brother's friend's name. In all honesty, it would be a name to honor him because I was also quite fond of his friend. He was just one of those kids that always made you laugh and was just all around sweet and kind. 

I texted my dad and asked him what he thought, but he hasn't responded yet. I didn't even bother asking my mom because she'll blow it out of proportion one way or another (either that we are so great for honoring him, or that we're thoughtless and horrible people for using it). I don't want to say anything to my brother yet because I'm not sure we're even going to use it yet. 

What would you do? Should I just ask him and see what he thinks? Or should we just forgo the name and find something else?

katesmama0706

If it were me I'd sit on the name for a while and decide if I really loved it. If I decided that "yes, this is what I want to use" then I'd run it by my brother. If it really bothered him then I'd pick something else, but maybe he'll be honored you're using the name. 

AlicjaB

I agree. See if you still absolutely love that name as your #1 pick a month from now. Also maybe have a #2 pick ready in case he does seem uncomfortable with it. 

emy730

Thank you ladies. I think waiting is a good idea. 

My dad responded and said he didn't think it would be weird, but that he thinks I should talk to my brother if we decide we want to use it. We may also just end up using it as a middle name to something else. 

LastMango

katesmama0706 said:

If it were me I'd sit on the name for a while and decide if I really loved it. If I decided that "yes, this is what I want to use" then I'd run it by my brother. If it really bothered him then I'd pick something else, but maybe he'll be honored you're using the name. 

This

nolemama24

I agree with the sitting on the name and waiting it out.

I also wanted to provide my perspective: We were in a similar situation with this pregnancy. My fiancee's very best friend committed suicide back when they were in college. I met my fiancee waaay after he graduated college, so I do not know EXACTLY how it affected him during that time, but I know that sometimes my fiancee CAN get to a dark place and remember his friend (he doesn't talk much about him but when he does he usually seems ok, however, I have seen him get a little misty eyed/remorseful/etc as well). When we found out we were having a baby, names were some of the first things we started to talk about. My fiancee said he would like to name the baby after his friend. I like the name and I also thought that would be a nice way to honor somebody that my fiancee loved very much. I asked my fiancee if he was truly OK with the idea of naming his son after his deceased friend and he reassured me he was. Since he seemed so serious about this decision and it made him happy and I genuinely liked the name, I was OK with moving forward with that name. Fast forward, we are having a girl so we have not talked about it again, but I am sure if we have a son one day the baby will be named after his friend.

I wanted to offer this perspective because perhaps your brother will find this action to be very sweet and a great way to honor his friend. Also, Caleb is not an uncommon name and he might also realize that it is something that you like, and feel OK with that, as well! It is nice you are considering his feelings Loss in general is such a touchy and hard subject and I am sure your brother will appreciate you considering his feelings!

emy730

@nolemama24 Thank you for that perspective. I think once we figure out if this is the name we want to go with, I'll have an honest, open conversation with my brother and tell him that I want him to be completely straight forward with me on how it would impact him.

ashanne88

Agree with what everyone else has said.  Definitely have a back-up name ready in case you change your mind or your brother is not comfortable with it.  I like the idea of using it as a middle name too.