how do you guys split up holidays with your partner (or do you)? this is a tough one for me because i'm selfish and want to spend all holidays with my family. of course, i don't, we spend many of them with DH's family, but i always feel sad and miss my own family during those times.
i just don't care to spend time with DH's family all that much in general. they are nice people but i find myself uncomfortable around them most of the time. they operate very differently from my own family in a way that gives me alot of anxiety (ex: my family is very direct and we communicate well...they are indirect and passive aggressive and i feel like i'm often on eggshells).
i don't have much in common with my MIL and SIL, and they make judgy comments regularly (ex: they were/are SAHM and I will not be and they have alot of opinions about how to be in a marriage and family).
i always just smile and brush things off, but inside i'm dying for our time together to be over. am i just a selfish baby who needs to grow up? advice and thoughts welcomed.
@cruffino that's a tough one. I really enjoy H's family (well, his mom and brothers at least - his dad and stepmom are not exactly my cup of tea), so though we usually spend more holidays with them than my family, I don't mind. Though now that I think of it, we spend most holidays at home. We're staying home for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, though we are trying to get family to come to us.
My sister and her husband, however, try to be even about it. I think they try to swap major holidays every year - like, this year it's Thanksgiving with BIL's family and Christmas with mine, and then next year they swap.
I don't think you're a selfish baby for wanting to be around your own family, but it is important to remember that H's family is important to him (I assume), so you probably need to suck it up and spend some holidays with them, if that's what H wants.
@cruffino my husband's family lives in another state so we try and switch off years going to visit them for the holidays. It's not a perfect system and we try to make it even, though someone always feels we never see them enough.
@madamerwin - you're right that DH's family is very important to him. i keep this stuff to myself for the most part because i don't want to cause an issue with him and his family. we are generally equal about splitting holidays, but outside of holidays, we see his family more than mine because his parents are retired and visit much more frequently than my own. most of the time i'm fine about it, but with holidays approaching i'm starting to feel anxious. ugh...make it go away!!!
@purplewriter - i think you're on to something there. we moved out of state from both our families almost 2 years ago, and i think we are both missing them, which is why this issue is coming forward.
@cruffino We have slowly turned our holiday schedules like this...
Easter/thanksgiving we go to his mom's house around 10 or 11 we eat a big lunch/dinner between 12 and 1 (whenever it's done cooking) then we leave there around 3 ish... we go to my mom's or whoever is hosting. We eat leftovers and dessert there.
Christmas.... this was always an issue with us because we live 1 hour away from everyone, and want our kids to have a good amount of time at home to play with their new toys and not feel rushed. Both our parents wanted us at their houses. Finally we decided it was ridiculous. Now we drive to my mom's on Christmas eve and celebrate there from roughly 1 to about 5 and come home to do some of our own fun traditions. Then Christmas day, we get up do presents get ready and don't rush at all. We eventually go to his mom's and if we get there after they ate, oh well. We spend some time there and get back home to enjoy the rest of our evening.
When it comes to getting along and feeling uncomfortable, unfortunately i think that's just how it goes. I think it's great you "suck it up" and do your best because that's probably all you can do. I'm sure it's not a good idea to make it sound insulting, but maybe tell your husband that certain things make you uneasy and your not sure how to act. It might make him more aware and try to stick by you more to feel at ease. Also if you bring it up at all, I'd do it wayyyy ahead of the holidays so it's not a fresh and heavy topic.
When people make rude comments to me about mothering or not working (I get the opposite from you lol) I always just say "this is what works for us" and let it drop after that.
Im really close to DHs family (like hangout with them even without DH). They also have a huge extended family who they are close with (I'm close with 1 cousin, another is my kids daycare teacher, we all have kids close in age/I've worked with another ect.) My family is just my parents and sister. We have an aunt local but now that my cousin lives away we rarely see them. We try to be even but we do celebrate certain holidays on a different day with my parents. They often come with us to my in laws! I mean I spend lots of time with my parents (not as much with my sister). They just do a lot for holidays.
@cruffino Are they so far apart that its exclusive to only see one per holiday? We tend to split the major holidays evenly - see his for Thanksgiving, mine for Christmas this year, do the opposite next year.
If you consistently feel uncomfortable with his family, you definitely need to discuss it with him. He can't help you if he doesn't know there's an issue. While it may be tense short term and you feel like you are causing strife, as long as you are honest and not pointing fingers he should understand that you just want help making the situation more comfortable. He grew up with these people, he's likely experienced some of the judgment you are feeling from them.
@cruffino it's a toss up around here. And no, you're absolutely not being a baby. The motto we've started using is "fair doesn't always mean equal" and thats been helpful. DH's mom always has an excuse why she and she alone should get more time with us and it was driving me batty. I get along with my inlaws mostly, but they're manipulative and heavy drinkers and it makes me uncomfortable. DH started going to bat for what works with us and thats been our saving grace. He now doesn't put pressure on my to go out of my way to accomdate their ridiculous demands, but it does cause friction.
What does your DH say about how family time is split up? Does he know how much pressure this puts on you?
@kswiger06@WinchesterGirl we've toyed with the idea of seeing them both on the same holidays, but they are about 1.5 hours apart, and neither one of us wanted to spend our holiday in the car. DH and i have discussed it numerous times, but its a sore subject for both of us. something we still need to work on.
i think my general concern is that once the baby comes, i'm going to be even less enthusiastic about sharing than i am now... which i know i need to work on.
@cruffino so far my husband has spent christmas eve night with me at my parents then went to his mums after going to mass with us on christmas day for dinner, then i go to his mums for dinner on boxing day. Its difficult because my husbands dad died when he was 17 & he has a little brother who was less than a year old when their dad died & theyre a close family. Until i became pregnant, my mil constantly jibbed at me and was not very pleasant to me but she has been so much nicer over the past while. I am extremely close to my parents, sister & extended family & with my sister living in germany means i only get to see her, her husband & my nephew a few times a year. When theyre at home at christmas i want to be there to spend as much time as i can with them, i feel a little bad that i want to spend christmas with my family but given our limited time together im not prepared to compromise on this when my husbands family is an hours drive away & he gets to see so much more of his brothers & sister. this year will be the same as usual but im sure next year will be a lot more awkward despite having made my feeling clear on this & am sure there will be arguments about it in years to come
@Janefelicity i feel similarly to you in that because i see my family far less than his, i don't feel particularly amenable to compromising on the holidays. i'm so over the MILs.
@cruffino it really sucks cause weve never spent christmas together in the 7 years weve been together. I do get to see my parents often but i dont get to see my sister & nephew & they wont get to see our baby very often which is really hard. Plus his mum is an awful cook & i dont want to miss out on my parents amazing christmas dinner. I know i sound like a really selfish cow but im just not comfortable in his mums house, he spends all his time with his little brother (which i totally understand) but im left fending off passive aggressive attacks from his mum which get less and less subtle the more wine she consumes. Not fun.
DH's parents live about an hour away (soon to be 25 min when we move!!) and mine are about 8 hrs. Up until now we've always split Christmas/Thanksgiving equally. So one year we do Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his then we switch the next year. With his family since they are close we usually still celebrate the holiday we are missing with them a week before or after the holiday itself. For my family we do both at once. This is going to be the last year we do that though. Once the baby is here I'm thinking we'll go to visit my parents once every 2-3 years and see if they want to come up and visit a year in between. I'm sure my parents are going to feel like they are being cheated and well maybe they are a bit but it's time they realize that my family is my husband and soon to be baby first then our parents, then extended family. I do have a rough relationship with my parents while I completely adore DH's family so that does have some part in my decision.
Me: 33 | DH: 34 Married: October, 19, 2015 EDD 2/22/17 DS1 born on 3/2/17 EDD 3/8/20 DS2 born on 3/10/20 EDD 11/24/23 (Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
We started out splitting the holidays like many PPs. We did Thanksgiving/ New Years with family 1, Christmas with family 2 and switch the next year. However, last year we started something new and it is still evolving.
Last year everyone came to our house for Christmas- it was the 1st time in 4 years that our families had been in the same room (since our wedding). It went so well that everyone said they wanted to do it again. This year my mom is hosting. The issue is presents and baby.
So we'll do a small dinner on Christmas Eve with 1 family. Then Christmas morning with just me, H, doggo and baby. Christmas lunch with both families. Boxing Day lunch or dinner with family 2.
It is hard bc H's family lives 3-4 hrs away and they'll be staying with us in our home. My parents and sister live about 20 min away and my grandpa lives with my parents. But we want family alone time, just me, H and baby.
For the record, I don't think you're being selfish but you do need to give your inlaws fair time. I think getting H to support you is key and having a few 1 liners to shut down criticisms (I like PPs "that's what works for us.") would be helpful.
We're pretty lucky in that the only family near us is my mammaw and papaw, and my little sister. So everyone always just goes over to Mammaw's for the holidays. Sometimes my aunt and uncle will fly in from WV. We try to drive down to CA every other year to celebrate either Christmas or Thanksgiving with our parents. And my parents try to visit up here on the off years. Last year his parents came out for Thanksgiving for the first time and it was really nice. We'll see how things progress once the baby is here.
I think it sounds like all the PPs are really doing a great job navigating the holidays and trying to make all sides of their families happy.
For me and my H, we don't do the holidays with family unless they want to come to our house (H's family is in the Midwest, mine are in NorCal about 6 hours away). We love our families, but when we bought our house and got married we decided that we wanted to make our own traditions. We see them at other times of the year when travel is easier and less stressed, and get to spend the holidays enjoying our time together. Might sound selfish but we love it.
We've split Christmas every other year, so we go to my family one year and DH's the next year. My family usually does a 'faux family thanksgiving' anywhere from 3 weeks to a few days before Thanksgiving, so we are free to go to DH's if we want or do our own Friendsgiving. This Christmas we are staying put though, since we will have just moved, and I don't feel like traveling that late in pregnancy! I'll be interested to see what we are gonna do next year with the baby since getting to either side of the family will be at least a 3 hour flight. I'd love to decide we are going to stay at home and people can come to us, but DH is one of 8 kids, half of which are married with kids and most of them all live in the same town, and my family is smaller with just 3 of us, but we still get together with all my aunts and uncles and cousins for Holidays.
My family lives like an hour away so we see them all the time, but DH's family lives halfway across the country so we don't see them too often. Then, my family, me and DH are all Jewish, but since DH converted his family is not Jewish. So, since we only celebrate the Jewish holidays we do those with my family. Thanksgiving we alternate and my mom hosts every other Thanksgiving for her side, so the year it's at my mom's we go to her place and the year my aunt hosts we fly out to spend it with his family. Honestly it's worked out pretty well thus far.
Re: Family Matters 10/24/16
i just don't care to spend time with DH's family all that much in general. they are nice people but i find myself uncomfortable around them most of the time. they operate very differently from my own family in a way that gives me alot of anxiety (ex: my family is very direct and we communicate well...they are indirect and passive aggressive and i feel like i'm often on eggshells).
i don't have much in common with my MIL and SIL, and they make judgy comments regularly (ex: they were/are SAHM and I will not be and they have alot of opinions about how to be in a marriage and family).
i always just smile and brush things off, but inside i'm dying for our time together to be over. am i just a selfish baby who needs to grow up? advice and thoughts welcomed.
My sister and her husband, however, try to be even about it. I think they try to swap major holidays every year - like, this year it's Thanksgiving with BIL's family and Christmas with mine, and then next year they swap.
I don't think you're a selfish baby for wanting to be around your own family, but it is important to remember that H's family is important to him (I assume), so you probably need to suck it up and spend some holidays with them, if that's what H wants.
@purplewriter - i think you're on to something there. we moved out of state from both our families almost 2 years ago, and i think we are both missing them, which is why this issue is coming forward.
We have slowly turned our holiday schedules like this...
Easter/thanksgiving we go to his mom's house around 10 or 11 we eat a big lunch/dinner between 12 and 1 (whenever it's done cooking) then we leave there around 3 ish... we go to my mom's or whoever is hosting. We eat leftovers and dessert there.
Christmas.... this was always an issue with us because we live 1 hour away from everyone, and want our kids to have a good amount of time at home to play with their new toys and not feel rushed. Both our parents wanted us at their houses. Finally we decided it was ridiculous. Now we drive to my mom's on Christmas eve and celebrate there from roughly 1 to about 5 and come home to do some of our own fun traditions. Then Christmas day, we get up do presents get ready and don't rush at all. We eventually go to his mom's and if we get there after they ate, oh well. We spend some time there and get back home to enjoy the rest of our evening.
When it comes to getting along and feeling uncomfortable, unfortunately i think that's just how it goes. I think it's great you "suck it up" and do your best because that's probably all you can do. I'm sure it's not a good idea to make it sound insulting, but maybe tell your husband that certain things make you uneasy and your not sure how to act. It might make him more aware and try to stick by you more to feel at ease. Also if you bring it up at all, I'd do it wayyyy ahead of the holidays so it's not a fresh and heavy topic.
When people make rude comments to me about mothering or not working (I get the opposite from you lol) I always just say "this is what works for us" and let it drop after that.
Im really close to DHs family (like hangout with them even without DH). They also have a huge extended family who they are close with (I'm close with 1 cousin, another is my kids daycare teacher, we all have kids close in age/I've worked with another ect.) My family is just my parents and sister. We have an aunt local but now that my cousin lives away we rarely see them. We try to be even but we do celebrate certain holidays on a different day with my parents. They often come with us to my in laws! I mean I spend lots of time with my parents (not as much with my sister). They just do a lot for holidays.
If you consistently feel uncomfortable with his family, you definitely need to discuss it with him. He can't help you if he doesn't know there's an issue. While it may be tense short term and you feel like you are causing strife, as long as you are honest and not pointing fingers he should understand that you just want help making the situation more comfortable. He grew up with these people, he's likely experienced some of the judgment you are feeling from them.
What does your DH say about how family time is split up? Does he know how much pressure this puts on you?
@yogadevil i like that motto!
i think my general concern is that once the baby comes, i'm going to be even less enthusiastic about sharing than i am now... which i know i need to work on.
this year will be the same as usual but im sure next year will be a lot more awkward despite having made my feeling clear on this & am sure there will be arguments about it in years to come
Plus his mum is an awful cook & i dont want to miss out on my parents amazing christmas dinner. I know i sound like a really selfish cow but im just not comfortable in his mums house, he spends all his time with his little brother (which i totally understand) but im left fending off passive aggressive attacks from his mum which get less and less subtle the more wine she consumes. Not fun.
Married: October, 19, 2015
EDD 2/22/17
EDD 3/8/20
EDD 11/24/23
(Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
Last year everyone came to our house for Christmas- it was the 1st time in 4 years that our families had been in the same room (since our wedding). It went so well that everyone said they wanted to do it again. This year my mom is hosting. The issue is presents and baby.
So we'll do a small dinner on Christmas Eve with 1 family. Then Christmas morning with just me, H, doggo and baby. Christmas lunch with both families. Boxing Day lunch or dinner with family 2.
It is hard bc H's family lives 3-4 hrs away and they'll be staying with us in our home. My parents and sister live about 20 min away and my grandpa lives with my parents. But we want family alone time, just me, H and baby.
For the record, I don't think you're being selfish but you do need to give your inlaws fair time. I think getting H to support you is key and having a few 1 liners to shut down criticisms (I like PPs "that's what works for us.") would be helpful.
ME: 25, DH: 27
TTC #1 since 09/2015
Miscarriage @ 10 wks 02/28/2016
BFP 05/28/2016!
For me and my H, we don't do the holidays with family unless they want to come to our house (H's family is in the Midwest, mine are in NorCal about 6 hours away). We love our families, but when we bought our house and got married we decided that we wanted to make our own traditions. We see them at other times of the year when travel is easier and less stressed, and get to spend the holidays enjoying our time together. Might sound selfish but we love it.
TTC since January 2016
BFP - 3/12/16 - MC 4/5/16
BFP - 6/11/16