Lets get it on

brittnic86

I don't know if there's a thread for this...I tried looking...so if there is I'm sorry! Also, sorry if TMI? But who else am I going to talk about pregnancy and sex to....

How is everyone doing in the sex department? lol. Ugh I'm so frustrated with this right now. DH and I have ALWAYS had a very healthy sex life. In the almost 10 years we've been together, we've hardly ever gone more than a week without getting naked. When we first got pregnant, everything was great! It seemed like we were actually doing it more. Then it started tapering off.....and I know he's been working like crazy amounts...and he's tired. Started happening like every two weeks...and the last two times we did, 2.5 weeks apart, he was upset that I didn't finish...I don't know why....not like I didn't enjoy it. So last night, it had been A MONTH since we'd had sex. Finally we got around to it, yay! Except like 10 minutes into it, he stops, and tells me that my vagina is like squeezing all the blood out of him. What?! Yes I know, kegals, and yes I have purposely done this in the past, just like a couple times during. But I wasn't! He said my vagina must be getting ready for childbirth, because it was like suddenly strong . And that he was really tired, and just didn't have the energy right now...that we'd try again later.

This really upset me...I don't want us to have a sexless marriage...I know sex isn't everything...but it is important...and I know that pregnancy can change things...but I was hoping it wouldn't since we started out just fine. Now I'm like worried we'll never have sex again...I mean...we're having twins. I have body issues, and the fact that my husband still gets turned on by me is like my one thing I tell myself when I really hate my body.

I'm probably just overreacting....is there something we should try? Anyone else having issues?

Pgh_Kel

We've definitely slowed down in this department as well.  My BF and I have always had a very active sex life, so me getting pregnant and losing interest in the beginning (mainly due to always being nauseous or asleep) stressed me out.  We got back on track for a bit at the beginning of the 2nd trimester, but now we're back to once every 1-2 weeks!!  

My problem is just the mental struggle, I want to, but then I start questioning if he even finds me sexy right now because I have a hard time believing he could considering I grunt and moan with any over exertion at this point, lol.  He has also stopped initiating it, which makes me think I'm right in that he doesn't find me attractive.  And on top of all that, I never "finish" anymore when we DTD (in the past I always did)...so I think there's some frustration for him, even though I am enjoying it.

We've discussed it and he reassures me that he does find me attractive, I think it's just me overthinking everything.  I feel I need to make more of an effort to initiate it so he knows I'm comfortable doing it and I need to just let go of all my hangups.  I keep reading how many women have increased libidos while they're pregnant and I'm wondering why I didn't get that perk!?!

Regardless of what our current issues are, I try to remind myself that this is temporary.  He and I won't let this last throughout the rest of our relationship, we just need to get through this moment and be patient with one another. 

LinziLoo09

I'm sorry for the frustrations you've been experiencing in the bedroom department. I get it. Before DD, DH and I had a very healthy sex life. That became much more difficult as the pregnancy wore on. We eventually tapered to like once a week, and then cut out altogether in the last few weeks of the pregnancy. Despite me being very eager postpartum, when we tried again after the 6 week wait, it was incredibly painful for me. Our midwives recommended patience as things continued to heal, and as they predicted, one day - maybe around 10-12 weeks - it didn't hurt anymore. Of course sex with an infant around required more scheduling than I was used to, so frequency has ebbed and flowed over time for sure. It's been more difficult with this pregnancy, but we're managing to be somewhat regular.

I think the difference between the first and second pregnancy is my confidence in things. I was really worried that our sex life would change forever after the last pregnancy. No kidding - towards the end, in my head, I kept thinking every orgasm might be my last ever lol. Totally not the case. We totally managed to work it out and get back to our former sex life. There may have been more child-related challenges, but with work and creativity, it happened. This time around, I'm more confident in our ability to recover from whatever may present as a challenge.

Additionally, this is a good time to focus on other forms of intimacy between you both - hugging, cuddling, kissing, leg rubs, etc. And if your sex drive is still unsatisfied, I totally recommend 'taking care of it yourself' if it becomes super difficult for you both to continue having sex for the time being. Just know that this isn't permanent. It fluctuates. And talk to your DH about your concerns; he might not even realize your worried and can probably provide some comfort to assuage your fears.

phoenix870509

Last time we dtd it burned so badly down there that we had to stop. We haven't done anything since and it sucks. I've been having mad sex dreams that are just turning me on but DH hasn't been in the mood. It's so opposite from 10 years ago, when he always wanted it and I didn't. So frustrating. 

brittnic86

I did start to tell him I was worried that we'd never have sex again.....he told me I was being silly and that of course we would. I know I can take care of myself, I have several times lol. But what about him!? I have that insecurity in the back of my mind that like, he needs sex...and if I'm not giving it to him....ugh.

Amecsey

My doctor has officially nixed DH and I having sex for the rest of the pregnancy. These last couple months my sex drive has been pretty low, which hasn't stopped us from having sex, but I just haven't really been into it. So now it's time to step up my bj game.

mimi603107

With me I feel just like every pregnancy is different, so is our sex life during each pregnancy. With my first, our sex life was non existent, during our second, we had sex on average about 1-2 times a week and still had sex a few days before my water broke. This time, it's somewhere in the middle... We've always had a really healthy sex life especially the last 4 years (seems like my sex drive has picked up in my 30's lol) but this pregnancy has been harder because I'm super sensitive down there and sometimes it can be very uncomfortable when we have sex and on top of that, my father in law has been living with us since May and we never really have any alone time with him here and two boys running around. I know my husband is frustrated with the whole situation but knows that we'll go back to normal afterwards like we always do. 

brittnic86

Well I'm glad to hear that it does go back to normal lol.

princesslockness

@brittnic86 One thing my other mom friends and I have found is that after LO is born and things are good to go, its easier for us to get there. Typically multiple times.

H has learned that while this stage sucks, it gets better and more often for us when LO is 3+ months.

brittnic86

@Kate08Young oh I hadn't heard that before! that's good to know lol.

kbduke

Anyone have any position suggestions? I've had to be on top for the last few months due to the belly but I'm not sure how much longer that's going to work. 

princesslockness

@kbduke we could always use doggy, with lots of pillow support.

sourlemon

We haven't been super active since I was on pelvic rest for 8 weeks (cleared 3 weeks ago). It's not comfy, I'm always sore the next day, and I don't usually get off. This happened with dd1 too but things somewhat went back to normal after she was a few months...but we were never super active anyways. 

Just try to feel close in other ways if you are struggling to keep up in the sex department. 

acreight13

@kbduke Spooning/on our sides lying down has worked for us as belly has gotten bigger. Plus, I've been super sensitive so it's easy for DH or myself to adjust the penetration by just scooting closer to him or farther away depending on what I need. This worked well post-baby last time as I had extensive tearing and stitches and we nervous to dtd. I was able to move back or forward depending on what felt comfortable. 

yellingbanana

@kbduke the last time I had was on top was in my 4th month and DH literally pulled me off and laid me down. The belly was already in the way. Since then the only way for us is me lying on my side. 2nd pregnancy we dtd doggy a lot, but I found it not as great as usual and it hurt my stomach muscles/belly button. 

@mimi603107 that is so true- each pregnancy is different! My 1st, I wanted it all the time, and DH was hesitant, but I pretty much made him! With my 2nd, I wasn't into it, wasn't getting satisfaction from it. With this one, our 3rd, things are pretty normal and I'm loving it, but don't need it as often as regular. Non-pregnant, we usually dtd 2-3 times a week. But this time it's been like once a week, but part of that is because DH now travels so much for work. 

I feel like @LinziLoo09 has good points, there is more 'scheduling' or planning when you can DTD because of the kids. Also, even after a c-section you get the go ahead at 6 weeks post-partum, I feel like it's not comfortable and good again until about 10-12 weeks pp. 

Kacie209

DH and I have no sex life and haven't for awhile. However, I do stuff to him, which he actually prefers now, about once a week.

My drive has not been there for awhile, but that is just me. By the time we get done watching TV at night and get ready for bed, I am already only getting 6-some hours of sleep... so I am usually not in the mood then since I am tired. Usually we would for sure get some time in on the weekends, but even that has tapered off. I think TTC for 5 months (which I know is short compared to some, and I am grateful for it), just got to be too much with planning, etc.

I just know that the last time we DTD, it wasn't very comfortable for me - regardless of the position. It hasn't happened much in the last 7 months so why not wait some more...

JEM525

Ah, the sex dreams and lack of sex is killing me too! I'm with you ladies on all of the above^ . The best advice I can give is keep talking and communicating with your partners. If you are in the mood or if he is in the mood communicate it and tell each other what you need. At this point I need more wooing/ forplay or I fun sex dream to get me in the mood. Let your partner no that it's important for him/her to remind you how much he/she loves you and finds you attractive. All easier said than done but maybe it might just work. 

jennbaylor12

 Oh hon.... we haven't had sex since May. May! It Does get better - we've always had a great sex life, it just sucks during pregnancy for us. Went back to normal, maybe even better, after DS. In the last few weeks/months before this pregnancy it was bangin'!! :-D

Austenista

This being our first pregnancy and having taken awhile to get pregnant, DH (and myself for a while) has/have been a little leery. Especially in the beginning. He's still a little scared. Sounds like we were among many of you and went for it last night. That said, I think I can count on one hand how many times we've done it since our BFP. My sex drive hasn't exactly suffered. I have taken care of myself a lot more regularly than he and I have together. I realized last night, though, that if I want to get him involved I'm going to have to initiate right now because he's just nervous he's going to hurt me somehow. He always asks and asks if I'm sure I'm okay afterword. 

It's a little more awkward now that I can't be on my back at all, but not debilitatingly so. I didn't feel sore or anything after this time. The time before this though it really bothered my hips and I was just glad for it to be over. Last night was actually probably the best we've experienced since I found out I was pregnant. The other times have been awkward, uncomfortable, or one of us being nervous about me or baby getting hurt. From behind is my favorite in general, and it's still working for us at this point. I will say that it's a lot more sensitive for me, and so as soon as I'm finished, I want him to finish asap because it feels almost sore after I'm done.

As for you being tighter @brittnic86 since it'd been a month could it just be because it's been a minute? I'm always much tighter if it's been a bit. I asked DH if it felt different to him last night after I read your post and he said no - so it could be kegals like you said (I haven't been very faithful in doing those) or you might have just been tighter than you both are used to. Just another idea. 

I'm going to try to make an effort to take advantage of the time we have left before baby's born now that I realize if I initiate he'll follow my lead. After reading what y'all have said about it taking more like 10-11 weeks not to be painful, I'm thinking I'm not even going to try until then so we're looking at quite a wait before we'll get to be intimate that way again. 

whitneyp26

I think it's normal to go through times of drought and times of plenty. I can't remember the last time we had sex. I think it's been about a month. I didn't care at all because I'm tired and don't want it anyways but irrational me is starting to have my feelings hurt because DH isn't trying anymore. 

Our biggesr issue is just not having the privacy. We have kids in our bed and have tried everything to get them out and it's nothing but tears and screaming and struggle. So when we were having sex more it wasn't great anyways. Always a quickie in the bathroom or the closet. Ridiculous. I'm not expecting a sex life again until we can get the kids sleeping well and that could take years. 

uromys

I have zero sex drive 85% of my pregnancy. Usually the last two months things with pick up for me in that department as I tell myself this could be the last time for a while everytime. We've had sex the night before I go into labor everytime. I don't want to regret it! Haha Post DD1 our sex life never really changed once we got back into the swing of things. I had awful tearing with her and for me sex was not comfortable until at least 12 weeks. Doesn't mean I didn't give it my all.   However after DD2 I couldn't wait to get back to it. Recovery the second time around didn't take very long. 

As for during pregnancy. I usually don't have much interest. I do it for DH because I feel like I should but I can count on one hand how many time I've gotten off without assistance in the last month. Im a big fan of toys! DH and I have been together for 13 years and toys have been apart of our relationship since our very early twenties. Pregnancy changes everything for me once these babies start moving. I get very distracted and DH very freaked out. Never enough for him to stop but I loose focus and there's no coming back from that. We aren't very affectionate people so spooning, cuddling, and hugging don't really happen. 

KatieJo1205

You ladies are all getting busy a lot more than me!  Lol.  We have only done it twice since I've been pregnant.  I think it is a combo of things.  My bf never had quite the drive that I did and 9 times out of 10 I would initiate things.  But since being pregnant I really don't have the interest.  I suspect he is just totally letting me take the lead because he doesn't want to make me feel bad if I'm not in the mood.  

SarahF8611

@brittnic86 - Don't worry about being in a "sexless marriage"! You are a LONG way from that, you're 7 months pregnant, of COURSE things are going to slow down. But, they'll pick back up. Marriage is a lifetime and your sex life will ebb and flow just like every other aspect of your life.

After we had DS, it took about six months for us to really get back into an awesome flow of 2-3 times a week. But we got back to that place, and I know we will again!

swhiddon33

We have bow chicka wow wowed exactly once since my BFP and it's not even a thing. In our nearly 12 years together, we have had a LOT of it haha so this break (for various and ever changing reasons) has gone okay. We still share intimacy in other, non sexual ways, and we know the time will come when we can't keep our hands off of each other again (we are THAT couple). 

The point of my response is for you to not sweat it too much. There will be moments of sexual pause in your marriage but that doesn't have to mean a negative/scary thing. 

karmba

Yeah we're not doing anything right now.  In the beginning I felt gross, then by the time I was ready again, he was freaked out by the baby moving.  I'm not too worried about it, it's our first and everything is new for us.  I know things will pick back up in a few months.

cgss11

It's been pretty non-existent for us. A few times in the first and second tri (like 5 total), and none since about 22 weeks? We've talked about it, and while we miss sex, it's okay with us. Since being pregnant, it's never been great for me (near impossible to O), and it's uncomfortable. But we still cuddle a lot and show a lot of affection towards each other, and talk about how great it will be once our "normal" resumes. 

Mamax2

We actually dtd for the first time in almost 9 weeks yesterday. It's just so uncomfortable. We both know that things will be back to normal again "soon".

ajstevenson

We were doing great for a while, even was I was really sick the 1st half. In the past (just under a) month we've gotten busy once. That was this past Saturday and it was so uncomfortable. It felt like losing my virginity all over again. He's okay not having sex as much as we did prepregnancy and I know we'll get back to some good lovin eventually, but I think we've reached a point now where sex is going to be a minimum.

Positions -he's always favorited missionary and I'm more of a cowgirl, both of which have become super uncomfortable. Most comfortable have been spooning. I think doggy would work well too, but he isn't a fan.

phoenix870509

Positions, we've tried sitting on the bed and in a chair. Both of those felt better for me. I was honestly getting tired of always being on top. So we looked at different positions to try, which got us in the mood, and we tried a few. 

PharmDMom

We were averaging once or twice a week since my BFP. That's our usual outside of pregnancy. Usually sex once a week and something else just for him once a week. My sex drive is fairly minimal for multiple reasons, and almost non existent while pregnant. His is pretty high all the time. So we try to compromise. 

The past two months I just can't do anything  more than once a week on average. So many things in my body hurt (back, hips, etc), I don't feel sexy at all, and I haven't had an orgasm since about 18-20 weeks, so it's not really enjoyable for me. Missionary or me on top are literally the only ways I can finish pregnant or not and neither are practical at this point. DH has suggested toys but I'm hesitant and kind of prudy I guess. He knows I'm looking forward to after recovering from this delivery so we can start having sex that is enjoyable for BOTH of us again. Right now it's all for him and while he appreciates it, he wishes I could get into it too. Only a few more months and things will improve! I'm not worried. 

Amecsey

Last night I was so exhausted, and it was MNF so DH's attention was on that. I couldn't stand it any longer and went into the bedroom and cried, and when he came in he asked what was wrong, and I told him that I was exhausted but that I really want to give him a BJ (totally a reason to cry, right?). So he said he would come to bed. He came in, got undressed, and suddenly I was mad at him and didn't want to anymore. These hormones have me acting like a crazy woman!

allicat89

Ours has really tapered off too. DH is definitely freaked out by the bump. I've suggested doing it doggie style so the bump isn't in view, but as I've gotten bigger, it's gotten harder to maintain the illusion. And, after a pre-term labor scare, he's been terrified of accidentally starting labor. Plus, DH has gone into "male nesting mode" as he calls it. He's working longer hours, baby-proofing the house, finishing small projects he's always meant to finish, etc. By the time we go to sleep at night, he is usually wiped. We've talked about it, and we've both decided that this is just the way things are for now, but it took a few conversations for me to have peace about that. 

@brittnic86 I definitely get what you're going through though! I've struggled with body issues too, and one of the hardest things in the world is actually believing my husband when he tells me he's still attracted to me! I just have to remind myself that I'm so quick to take a handful of negative comments as gospel truth, but I'll brush off the dozens of positive comments without a thought! So I've been trying to reverse that thinking and really dwell on the kind things that people, including my husband, say about me and my body. I haven't mastered it yet, but hopefully I'm getting there! I hope you're making strides conquering those negative feelings too. :-)

Christinaruth74

Our sex life was cray before my first pregnancy. We managed to have sex up until 42 weeks, but it was strictly business at that point... I wanted that baby OUT. 
PP sex was painful and I had a section, so I can only imagine what all you vaginal delivery momma's went through. 
Ive struggled to get my drive back ever since and this pregnancy certainly hasn't helped, but don't feel discouraged or like your relationship is doomed!
i had tried all sorts of ways to spark my drive up again... I'd surprise him with lingerie when he got home, made a hefty sex store order with new toys/oils/etc... I was feeling really down on myself about it until one afternoon. DD1 was napping and we were laying in bed resting. He started getting frisky and I was getting annoyed per usual. But then all of a sudden I was so into it. I didn't want it to stop and it all felt amazing. It was like this reminder that not all is lost, we've still got it, we're just in a different season of our marriage and life together right now. 
We just have to be a little more intentional about things now. 

AbriannaO

I want it all the time! But I've always had the drive in our relationship, and it has not reduced at all since I found out we were expecting. His desire has tapered off drastically since I've become preggo. I feel like I have to bribe him with a little extra foreplay in order to get it anymore. The last time (almost 2 weeks ago) was the first time that it felt awkward because my bump has really popped out. But otherwise, it's about every 2-3 weeks, and that's when I get annoying enough that he caves. If I could reach better, I would try and take care of myself, but I am having a hard enough with grooming down there, I can't imagine how I could turn myself on trying to take care of myself. Maybe I'll convince him to give it a go. 

jandd2014

I'm bumping this to ask... is anyone still actually having sex??
I've been on bed rest/pelvic rest for 11 looong weeks and am finally getting released from both this weekend. I'm wondering if its even worth it to try to get busy at this point, between the huge belly and it being not so pretty down there. I want to! But I don't know if its worth possibly scarring DH for life with the experience- ha. 

BenNSarah

We are, some, but I really don't enjoy it right now.  It doesn't hurt or anything, so I just go with the flow.  But he wants to.  Just go with what feels right for you. DH has not had a single problem with any of the "changes" I have had so I doubt he will be scarred

tinattt23

After an insanely uncomfortables vag swelling incident, I've put the lid on sex until 38 weeks. Then it's all hands on deck to evict this baby, uncomfortable or not. 

whitneyp26

I can't remember when we did last. It's been a few weeks. Not super inspired right now. I usually get on it at the end in hopes to get labor going... but we never have any time to ourselves anyways. 

temmetime

Same as @tinattt23 the last time or three that we've tried it, things are so swollen down there that it hurt afterwards. DH is understanding that my mind wants it, but body says no

zubenescamali

I can't remember the last time we DTD and although I've brought it up a few times, DH doesn't want to hurt me.  He says the last time we did he hurt my back, which I totally don't remember but believe. Honestly I think I have forgotten how to do it. 

SmashJam

@tinattt23 i had the vag swelling sitch as well, which is why we were in the land of BJs for awhile. But we started having sex again and its not at all uncomfortable and pretty enjoyable with some extended foreplay for me and lots o' lube to make sure that the swelling and subsequent tears don't happen.