A Re-Introduction, A Situation, and Questions

KP0908

Hello, I was part of this group many moons ago when I had my first miscarriage back in February 2013. This group helped pick me up off my feet. It let me whine, cry, complain, moan, empathize...it saved me. I appreciate everything so so much. I was able to move on and move forward thankfully, but now 3 1/2 years later, I find myself here I again.

We decided to try for another baby back in May. Got my IUD removed, waited the recommended 2 months to really try (since I scoured the internet about miscarriage rates and IUDs and they all recommended that. Found out that I was pregnant in August. Old nerves popped up so my doctor chose to monitor my levels. First one was low, second one didn't quite double, third one dropped. I was "lucky" enough this time that everything happened on it's own and my levels were back to 0 within a week.

Fast forward the next month, I continued temping, ovulated on time, but nothing happened. All of my symptoms were the same, but tests wouldn't turn positive (I swear I saw lines, but I'm probably crazy). I convinced myself it wasn't happened and decided to move on with my life. But, still no AF. I googled longer luteal phases after miscarriages and only found people with shorter ones. So a few days later, to shut myself up once and for all, I took a HPT and imagine my surprise when it was positive. I nearly fell over.

Petrified, I called my doctor, went in immediately for blood work and found out it was a 4, which they don't even consider positive. So my questions. 1) What the hell is going on? 2) How can I have multiple positive HPTs, but be a 4 (nurse couldn't even explain that one) 3) If I'm not, why did my level go up and where is AF? 4) HUH?

I know no one can answer this (although I'm sure we all wish we had special glasses to look and see what was going on in there). I go back for follow-up levels tomorrow. I just. This sucks. I can't believe I'm here again. I can't believe I'm here again, again and so soon. I hate that there has to be a board for this. That people actually experience this. I don't really know what I'm looking for? Hope? Empathy? A jeez that sucks? But I've been thinking of this board for days, so I decided to pop back in. It just seemed like the thing to do to help heal my heart.

fivetimesnoluck

@kp0908 Wow. I am so sorry you find yourself here and that you're in such a state of limbo. It does suck! I am definitely not one who can answer the question of how did you turn a test if your HCG is only a 4, because that's just strange! I would usually suspect a chemical, but with no AF, that's not that likely.... Have your blood draws all been with the same lab?

I don't know if I am smart enough to help you get to the bottom of this, but I am sorry for your losses and hope that you find comfort here again. I can't speak for the ladies who were here in 2013, but those who make up the board now are also incredibly warm and supportive.

Do you have an idea of what your plans will be once this is resolved? I am wishing you best of luck as you move ahead.

KP0908

fivetimesnoluck I'm not really sure. I had kind of just skimmed myself through the last one and tried to move forward. I did the complete opposite of last time and we told all of our close family and friends what happened. It was nice not to have to hide in the dark this time, it definitely helped. But now I don't know what to do because I feel like everyone is going to look at my like this insane, damaged person. Oh how this whole process can do wonders for your self-esteem and self-worth.

They did blood work after my last one since it was my second. So far, everything is normal, but they were checking chromosomes. I think they did that before though so I'm not expecting anything.

I think I'll just take some time off. I don't think I can do this again 3 times in a row. I just need to find a way in my heart to be happy and thankful for what I do have and try not to focus on what is "missing".

Thank you for your kind words! It's just nice to not be alone.

Hopefulmommy1980

I am sorry for your losses. I don't know why your numbers would go back up that does make sense. 

OneRedFish

I've been struggling with lots of questions lately as well.  I don't know if this helps or not, but I was talking with my mother a little bit about loss and confusion and questions and why I'm so frustrated that none of my questions seem answerable (I can't even get a straight answer for "when should I expect AF to arrive?" which used to be such a no brainer!). She shared with me that when she was pregnant with my brother, oh so many moons ago, that she got 5 negative tests from drs before she got a positive but she really was pregnant all that time. I can't explain it, I don't even know if it helps or hurts your questioning heart. I certainly hope it helps, at least somewhat.

Blessings and hope from one hurting mama-heart to another.

RiverSong15

@KP0908 I'm so sorry for your losses, but welcome to the board. I understand how frustrating it is when HCG levels do wacky things. I had a similar situation where my levels were rising, but not by nearly enough. 

Are you still getting positive tests, even after your last blood draw that was 4? If not, I'd suspect a chemical pregnancy, and maybe your body is just taking a really long time to realize things aren't working out. 

@OneRedFish I'm sorry for your loss and confusion. It definitely sucks to sit here without answers for anything. As for the pregnancy tests, it is exceptionally rare these days to not be able to turn an HPT or blood test positive and still be pregnant. In fact, I've never heard of this being "a thing" outside of TTC forums. And everyone's stories usually involve Aunts or Moms. Back when we were all born, pregnancy tests were a lot less sensitive then they are today. It's highly unlikely that this is what's going on with OP. Today, even the Clearblue Digitals can pick up HCG around 10 or so. A chemical pregnancy, or a late ovulation, are the most likely culprits. 

Edit it to fix tag!

KP0908

Thank you everyone for your comments, it helped so much just to know that there are other people out there with me. I was supposed to go back for follow-up blood work today, but wasn't feeling hopeful as my last two HPTs were negative and my temp dropped yesterday morning. AF reared her ugly head today, so it looks like I am the lucky recipient of a chemical pregnancy following a miscarriage. Needless to say, it's been a rough couple months so I think I'll just go ahead and bench myself for a month or two until my heart and head can heal.

RiverSong15

So sorry @KP0908. Best wishes as you move forward, and take as much time as you need. I'm on the bench right now too for emotional health/crazy life event reasons. We do a monthly "Benched" check-in thread for those of us who are TTA for either medical or emotional reasons. Feel free to join in as needed. And if anecdotes help, my time on the bench has been good for me, and I'm not feeling quite so hopeless as I was after my second loss. Hopefully you find healing from your time off. Hugs!

OneRedFish

I'm so sorry.  This whole losing pregnancies thing sucks.  I am glad that you have answers, but I am sorry that they are not the answers you'd hoped for.

Blessings!

rainbowwishes5

I am sorry. This does suck!!!
FX for you though! Have hope- since there isn't anything else you can do right now. Sending good thoughts and best wishes.