How to respond to "when are you going to have kids?!"

weareturtles

Before we started trying this comment was just annoying. I thought it was no one's business whether or not we ever had kids. However, now that we've tried, conceived and then lost our babies (and still benched since I still have too much HCG in my system), we're in a completely different place when people ask that question.

How do you respond or how would you propose responding to people asking, "When are you going to have kids?!"

Hopefulmommy1980

Most of the time I just say I am trying. And then quickly change the subject or find a reason to walk away

weareturtles

Sometimes I really want to say that. Or make them feel guilty for asking by saying, "I just miscarried twins." But no one knows we are even trying.

chloe97

@weareturtles I just say "we've had 2 miscarriages this year." I don't even feel bad. Why should I feel bad for answering their rude question honestly?

Aera11

@weareturtles I am with @chloe97 and usually I can say I've had losses and just give them a blank stare, but sometimes it catches me emotionally off guard and I just skirt around the answer.  Regardless, no one should ask anyone that.  I want to have a shirt made that says, "MIND YOUR OWN OVARIES".  DH thinks I should have business cards made with just that on it and hand it to whoever asks me about babies/kids and walk away, hahaha I would love to do it just once...it would be so worth it.

RiverSong15

I wish I had your guts @chloe97. I think if a totally random stranger asked, that's what I'd say. When its acquaintances, I find it harder. Neither H or I want everyone at our jobs to know, so we don't want to get the gossip mill started. I usually just say something vague, like we're planning on it, but have a few other things we need to get in order first.

TScalei

@aera11 - I seriously  love that idea!
@RiverSong15 - I'm with you I wish I had the guts to say what is on my mind but I'm trying to contain it so only those people that we choose to know about our losses.

I usually go the route of saying hopefully soon or something like that and then change the subject quickly.

DungeonTrollMel

Maybe it's because it's been long enough or after 3 I have zero "f"s left to give about offending anyone, but I just say point blank "when they can figure out how to keep me from having miscarriages " and then usually something about its rude to ask questions like that unless you know someone's specific situation 

MimoCa

Since I don't get out at all, I rarely get people asking unless I'm around my mother's friend and I reply that I'm to busy or too poor for kids.... to which they reply that I'm getting old. That's when I stare and wall away. Some people, really!

KarenBeth714

We're trying as hard as we possibly can.. and at this point depending on the person I may just start crying.

hartmich

I'm in the stage where I want to make people feel guilty and say we just had a loss @weareturtles. I never thought I'd feel that way but I just want people to realize not everybody just has sex and pops out a baby 9 months later (for a lot of my friends/family, this was the case). 

What's crazy to me is I have a friend who had a loss and still asks this question. She went on to have 2 easy (1 surprise) pregnancies so maybe she forgot what it feels like. 

weareturtles

Thank you all! Your responses have made me smile, laugh, and feel better! Huge props to those of you ( @DungeonTrollMel, @chloe97, @Aera11 ) who are not afraid to be upfront about your losses and make people feel like s**t for asking. I never asks folks because whether or not they want to have kids is their decision (as well as biology's) and I know too many people who have had losses. I am just astonished by how many people don't realize this. Especially people like you mentioned @hartmich!

One day, if/when this all blows over and I am no longer overly-emotional about it, I want to be outspoken about loss and increase people's awareness and sensitivity to the issue. Even before we started TTC, my MIL pestered DH and I all the time about having kids, constantly asking if we were pregnant. We tried to get her to realize how inappropriate she was and at one point DH actually said, "Mom, we don't even know if we can have kids! How would you feel if we've been trying and trying and trying but just haven't been able to, or if we've had miscarriage after miscarriage?!" That shut her up, and she hasn't asked since (thank goodness - because we might truly lose it emotionally if she did!). Of course, at the time that wasn't a problem we were experiencing, but we were sensitive to it because of friends of ours.

Hugs to all of you! I'm so glad we have each other!

yolandamunoz

I've often thought about this. I just avoid an honest answer because I would start to cry. Also I was not open about us TTC at my work, because that could get me fired as I don't have a proper work contract. After my second loss, I had to take time off and i had to tell the truth to my boss (and I cried awfully while telling him), so I'm out at work.. But they don't necessarily know that I'm back to TTC.

Recently I've told two friends from high school on whatsapp, because I know they are dealing with depression and infertility. So I wanted them to know that they are not alone and that we can talk about it and be there for each other. Like you guys are there for me.

Some time ago (2 years) a lady at church told me "you should start having babies, you are not getting any younger, why don't you start trying"... and I told her: "that is such an incredibly rude thing to say. You don't know if we are trying at all and just cannot get pregnant. You don't know if we get pregnant and keep having miscarriages. You just assume, and it is very rude to do so. You could be hurting me so deeply. Please stop asking people about their reproductive life, it is rude and helps no one. Do you think that if I don't want to have babies, you telling me to do it will change my mind? No. Then, why even ask?"

She was so surprised and shocked, she didn't say anything and I walked away. I hadn't been TTC and I hadn't had any MC yet, so I could just say this to her. I wish I can be brave again and tell this to people now. Tell them I've lost my babies and that I am suffering. Tell them how lucky they are to not have experienced any of the hardships I am going through.

Wow! that was long..

BitterBetty12

I've mostly changed the subject. Or said things that give people no indication that I've had a loss or even been trying. I am tired of that though. I'm going to be sharing publicly about my loss sometime next month. Once I do that, if people ask I will start being open and honest with them. I'm tired of people thinking they have a right to know anything they want about any woman's reproductive system. 

chloe97

I'm 37 and got married at 36, pregnancy watch started the day after I got married. I don't fault anyone else for maintaining your privacy but I've found that the gossip mill is actually worse if you aren't open with people

My thought process is that if we're trying to make miscarriage something that more people talk about, then we have to actually talk about it. Most people get quiet or weird when I talk about it, so I don't bring it up a lot. But I will talk about it. I NEED to talk about it in hopes that it's maybe a little bit easier for future women going through this to talk about it openly and feel less alone than we do.

KarenBeth714

yup exactly right @chloe97 - If you are strong enough to talk about it, then you should. It's not for everyone, and thats understandable. When I was going through everything and our loss, I had to take 2 weeks off ( which I never do during the school year) so everyone knew something was up at work. I decided to write an email to the staff explaining what happened. It was a really good choice, although it felt uncomfortable, I think it would be worse to let everyone gossip about it.

RiverSong15

I definitely agree with you @chloe97 and wish I could be more open about it. Honestly, I'm partly afraid of being "mommy-tracked" at work if they knew. It's a pretty fast-paced environment, and they reward people who work long hours. Only one woman in my office has a young child, and she works part time (32 hours a week). And I heard my boss make comments about how ridiculous it was for her to want to take time off and work a reduced schedule. My boss has made it clear that she doesn't want kids ever - I just don't think she'd be understanding of my losses and TTC. I think she'd show support outwardly, but I still think it would negatively affect my career if people at work knew I was TTC.

Since we see my boss socially outside of work and sometimes mix our social circles, we've been very careful about who knows. It's easier to tell fewer people than to try to control the information when half of our friends know. Also, H works with some pretty gossipy young women (think 22 year old giggly girls) and we just don't want them to know. His lab doesn't exactly have the most tact or the best filter in the world. And H is so easygoing most of the time, they tend to push him to his limits without realizing it.

I wish I could be open about it without fearing consequences. The US's attitude towards working mothers and maternity leave is atrocious.

chloe97

@RiverSong15 I totally get it. I'm lucky to work for a family-friendly organization that's child-focused. It's all women in their later 20s to 50s and so are constantly full of pregnant women and working mothers, which sucks for a different reason. I'm not really in a hurry to move up, I make decent money and there's really nowhere for me to go anyway without taking on way more responsibility than I want. The goal is for me to pop out 2 healthy kids with our my great health insurance and start thinking about my 2nd career.

krissole

I usually tell people when they ask if we're not going to start trying to have kids that we'll get to that point one day when we're ready. I prefer to keep it private as it's not they're business. I share with family and close friends and that's it. I have their support and that's enough for me. I'm still emotional talking about it so opening up top work people or strangers is definitely not what I'm about to do. Giving then the same answer of "when I'm ready" for the past 2 years had worn most of them down. I'm 36 so I get the talk about being old and my biological clock ticking etc and I've just come to accept that this is a question that people will always ask, not because they are trying to be rude or inquisitive but mostly to make conversation and be friendly so I try not to take it the wrong way even if I'm hurt because of my loss. 

I get that it's awkward to be asked and have to answer especially after going through a loss almost a year ago and still have issues getting my cycle back on track to TTC. The truth is, we don't know when we will have a child or even if we will ever succeed in having one and it's the thought of that outcome and the not knowing that hurts us, not really people's question about us having a child because if we were expecting and everything was going well before we announced a pregnancy, we would be so excited and not feel so offended by the question. I just try to exercise patience and remind myself that they are just trying to be friendly and don't mean to hurt me by asking, it's just the question to ask women my age who are recently married.

Redpuma119

After our first loss I would say, "we're trying!" And then smile and wink because isn't trying for a baby supposed to be fun?  Now I tell people honestly. "We've actually had a few losses this year."  Some people are so embarrassed for themselves that they apologize and walk away. I have had a lot of anxiety and have finally come to terms with the fact that miscarriage isn't something to be ashamed of. If you are asking me this honest question, let me give you an honest answer. (I know that this approach isn't reasonable for everyone and there are many situations, as mentioned by pp's)

dpjennifer

I, like some PPs also tend to have a more outspoken opinion on this. I respond with "I have two children, they're just both in heaven" or "Well I've had two miscarriages and keep having sex, what else would you like me to do?" After 2 miscarriages, and not doing so well emotionally after the second one, I definitely fall into the 0 f's given category. I definitely speak out about my miscarriages, I posted about it on FB after the second one and many of my coworkers know about it. I am an open book regarding discussing fertility and the fact that not everyone has sex once, gets pregnant, and ends up with a happy baby 9 months later (as many women in my job have done the past few years). So, I'm very very open about this. I find it easier for myself emotionally, because i can say what I feel and not have to hold it all in and get upset.

weareturtles

@dpjennifer - I love your response, "I have two children, they're just both in heaven." That made me tear up.