How to respond to "when are you going to have kids?!" — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

How to respond to "when are you going to have kids?!"

Before we started trying this comment was just annoying. I thought it was no one's business whether or not we ever had kids. However, now that we've tried, conceived and then lost our babies (and still benched since I still have too much HCG in my system), we're in a completely different place when people ask that question.

How do you respond or how would you propose responding to people asking, "When are you going to have kids?!"
*TW*

TTC#1 - 6.3.16
BFP#1 - 7.1.16, (mo-di twins + singleton) due 3.15.17
MC singleton - 7.13.16 - 5w
MMC identical twins - 8.5.16 - 8w+2d
Misoprostol 4x
D&C - 9.12.16
Hysteroscopy - 11.21.16 - Retained tissue filling half of uterus removed, blocked left tube, benched for 2 cycles, on estrogen/progesterone for 30 days
HSG - 2.7.17 - Asherman's Syndrome. Both tubes open.
Hysteroscopy 2.13.17 - Incomplete adhesiolysis for Asherman's, benched & on estrogen/progesterone for 30 days. At least two more surgeries needed...
Hysteroscopy 3.21.17 - Adhesiolysis for Asherman's, benched & on estrogen/progesterone for 30 days.
TTCAL #1: 4.24.17
Hysteroscopy 5.23.17 - Scars reformed. Adhesiolysis. Unsure what to do next...
Fertility acupuncture - started 6.13.17

Re: How to respond to "when are you going to have kids?!"

  • Most of the time I just say I am trying. And then quickly change the subject or find a reason to walk away
    TScaleiBitterBetty12
  • I wish I had your guts @chloe97. I think if a totally random stranger asked, that's what I'd say. When its acquaintances, I find it harder. Neither H or I want everyone at our jobs to know, so we don't want to get the gossip mill started. I usually just say something vague, like we're planning on it, but have a few other things we need to get in order first.
    chloe97TScaleiBitterBetty12yolandamunoz
  • TScaleiTScalei
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited September 2016
    @aera11 - I seriously  love that idea!
    @RiverSong15 - I'm with you I wish I had the guts to say what is on my mind but I'm trying to contain it so only those people that we choose to know about our losses.

    I usually go the route of saying hopefully soon or something like that and then change the subject quickly.
    Aera11RiverSong15
  • Since I don't get out at all, I rarely get people asking unless I'm around my mother's friend and I reply that I'm to busy or too poor for kids.... to which they reply that I'm getting old. That's when I stare and wall away. Some people, really!
  • We're trying as hard as we possibly can.. and at this point depending on the person I may just start crying.
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
    chloe97
  • I'm in the stage where I want to make people feel guilty and say we just had a loss @weareturtles. I never thought I'd feel that way but I just want people to realize not everybody just has sex and pops out a baby 9 months later (for a lot of my friends/family, this was the case). 

    What's crazy to me is I have a friend who had a loss and still asks this question. She went on to have 2 easy (1 surprise) pregnancies so maybe she forgot what it feels like. 



    rainbowturtles
  • I've mostly changed the subject. Or said things that give people no indication that I've had a loss or even been trying. I am tired of that though. I'm going to be sharing publicly about my loss sometime next month. Once I do that, if people ask I will start being open and honest with them. I'm tired of people thinking they have a right to know anything they want about any woman's reproductive system. 
    Me: 28 DH: 26
    Married: November 2015  3 
    TTC#1: January 2016
    BFP #1: 5/02/16 - MC: 5/27/16
    BFP #2: 10/06/16: 6 - EDD: 06/20/17
    DD Born 06/23/17 3
    TFAS: April 2018
    BFP #3: 03/21/18 - CP
    BFP #4: 04/23/18 - EDD 01/04/19


    hartmich
  • I'm 37 and got married at 36, pregnancy watch started the day after I got married. I don't fault anyone else for maintaining your privacy but I've found that the gossip mill is actually worse if you aren't open with people

    My thought process is that if we're trying to make miscarriage something that more people talk about, then we have to actually talk about it. Most people get quiet or weird when I talk about it, so I don't bring it up a lot. But I will talk about it. I NEED to talk about it in hopes that it's maybe a little bit easier for future women going through this to talk about it openly and feel less alone than we do.
    Age 39, H 37
    Married 8/15
    Pregnancy #1, MMC, D&C November/December 2015
    Pregnancy #2, Dx with Triploidy,MMC, D&C May 2016
    Pregnancy #3 BFP 10/20/2016- EDD 7/01/2017
    Hannah Sari was born on June 26, 2017
    yolandamunozKarenBeth714amberrukaBitterBetty12
  • yup exactly right @chloe97 - If you are strong enough to talk about it, then you should. It's not for everyone, and thats understandable. When I was going through everything and our loss, I had to take 2 weeks off ( which I never do during the school year) so everyone knew something was up at work. I decided to write an email to the staff explaining what happened. It was a really good choice, although it felt uncomfortable, I think it would be worse to let everyone gossip about it.
    Me:35, DH 37  ~ Married July 2014
    ttc July 2015 ~ bfp Nov 2015 (cp)
    bfp Dec 2015 ~ (tfmr 17wk, March 2016, genetic disease)
    ttcal May 2016
    BitterBetty12chloe97
  • RiverSong15RiverSong15
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited September 2016
    I definitely agree with you @chloe97 and wish I could be more open about it. Honestly, I'm partly afraid of being "mommy-tracked" at work if they knew. It's a pretty fast-paced environment, and they reward people who work long hours. Only one woman in my office has a young child, and she works part time (32 hours a week). And I heard my boss make comments about how ridiculous it was for her to want to take time off and work a reduced schedule. My boss has made it clear that she doesn't want kids ever - I just don't think she'd be understanding of my losses and TTC. I think she'd show support outwardly, but I still think it would negatively affect my career if people at work knew I was TTC.

    Since we see my boss socially outside of work and sometimes mix our social circles, we've been very careful about who knows. It's easier to tell fewer people than to try to control the information when half of our friends know. Also, H works with some pretty gossipy young women (think 22 year old giggly girls) and we just don't want them to know. His lab doesn't exactly have the most tact or the best filter in the world. And H is so easygoing most of the time, they tend to push him to his limits without realizing it.

    I wish I could be open about it without fearing consequences. The US's attitude towards working mothers and maternity leave is atrocious.
  • @RiverSong15 I totally get it. I'm lucky to work for a family-friendly organization that's child-focused. It's all women in their later 20s to 50s and so are constantly full of pregnant women and working mothers, which sucks for a different reason. I'm not really in a hurry to move up, I make decent money and there's really nowhere for me to go anyway without taking on way more responsibility than I want. The goal is for me to pop out 2 healthy kids with our my great health insurance and start thinking about my 2nd career.
    Age 39, H 37
    Married 8/15
    Pregnancy #1, MMC, D&C November/December 2015
    Pregnancy #2, Dx with Triploidy,MMC, D&C May 2016
    Pregnancy #3 BFP 10/20/2016- EDD 7/01/2017
    Hannah Sari was born on June 26, 2017
    RiverSong15Hopefulmommy1980
  • I usually tell people when they ask if we're not going to start trying to have kids that we'll get to that point one day when we're ready. I prefer to keep it private as it's not they're business. I share with family and close friends and that's it. I have their support and that's enough for me. I'm still emotional talking about it so opening up top work people or strangers is definitely not what I'm about to do. Giving then the same answer of "when I'm ready" for the past 2 years had worn most of them down. I'm 36 so I get the talk about being old and my biological clock ticking etc and I've just come to accept that this is a question that people will always ask, not because they are trying to be rude or inquisitive but mostly to make conversation and be friendly so I try not to take it the wrong way even if I'm hurt because of my loss. 

    I get that it's awkward to be asked and have to answer especially after going through a loss almost a year ago and still have issues getting my cycle back on track to TTC. The truth is, we don't know when we will have a child or even if we will ever succeed in having one and it's the thought of that outcome and the not knowing that hurts us, not really people's question about us having a child because if we were expecting and everything was going well before we announced a pregnancy, we would be so excited and not feel so offended by the question. I just try to exercise patience and remind myself that they are just trying to be friendly and don't mean to hurt me by asking, it's just the question to ask women my age who are recently married.
    TScalei
  • After our first loss I would say, "we're trying!" And then smile and wink because isn't trying for a baby supposed to be fun?  Now I tell people honestly. "We've actually had a few losses this year."  Some people are so embarrassed for themselves that they apologize and walk away. I have had a lot of anxiety and have finally come to terms with the fact that miscarriage isn't something to be ashamed of. If you are asking me this honest question, let me give you an honest answer. (I know that this approach isn't reasonable for everyone and there are many situations, as mentioned by pp's)
  • I, like some PPs also tend to have a more outspoken opinion on this. I respond with "I have two children, they're just both in heaven" or "Well I've had two miscarriages and keep having sex, what else would you like me to do?" After 2 miscarriages, and not doing so well emotionally after the second one, I definitely fall into the 0 f's given category. I definitely speak out about my miscarriages, I posted about it on FB after the second one and many of my coworkers know about it. I am an open book regarding discussing fertility and the fact that not everyone has sex once, gets pregnant, and ends up with a happy baby 9 months later (as many women in my job have done the past few years). So, I'm very very open about this. I find it easier for myself emotionally, because i can say what I feel and not have to hold it all in and get upset.

    TTGP April Siggy - Animals Acting Like People

    Skateboarding Twig GIF

    Me: 33    DH: 37
    MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
    Married: Nov. 7, 2015
    MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks) 
    MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
    RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
    MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
    Additional RPL testing March-November 2017

    weareturtles
  • @dpjennifer - I love your response, "I have two children, they're just both in heaven." That made me tear up.
    *TW*

    TTC#1 - 6.3.16
    BFP#1 - 7.1.16, (mo-di twins + singleton) due 3.15.17
    MC singleton - 7.13.16 - 5w
    MMC identical twins - 8.5.16 - 8w+2d
    Misoprostol 4x
    D&C - 9.12.16
    Hysteroscopy - 11.21.16 - Retained tissue filling half of uterus removed, blocked left tube, benched for 2 cycles, on estrogen/progesterone for 30 days
    HSG - 2.7.17 - Asherman's Syndrome. Both tubes open.
    Hysteroscopy 2.13.17 - Incomplete adhesiolysis for Asherman's, benched & on estrogen/progesterone for 30 days. At least two more surgeries needed...
    Hysteroscopy 3.21.17 - Adhesiolysis for Asherman's, benched & on estrogen/progesterone for 30 days.
    TTCAL #1: 4.24.17
    Hysteroscopy 5.23.17 - Scars reformed. Adhesiolysis. Unsure what to do next...
    Fertility acupuncture - started 6.13.17
    dpjennifer
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