Help with grandparents

Annsor

I need some advice to help me deal with my parents. Let me give a quick background story...
6 years ago when my husband and I were in the process of buying our first home, my grandmother passed away and left some money to my parents. They offered to match our down payment as a gift, but I think it was also to avoid inheritance tax. Since then, I feel as though they think they can stay here whenever they want for as long as they want. They live in a small town about 3 hours away and often make medical appointments for my dad and younger brother without discussing it with me first. They will give me a day or two notice before they show up, with their dogs, and stay for WEEKS!! Last year they came for thanksgiving and didn't leave till January 7th!! This is causing issues with my husband. I have kindly asked them to group all their appointment into a week and stay only that week. I have asked them not so schedule appointments when school starts as it disrupts my sons schedule. I have tried everything to get them to understand this is hard on my family an my relationship, nothing seems to work. My husband has been more than patient but with baby #3 coming, he is adamant this needs to stop. How can I sternly and effectively put an end to this? We appreciate their contribution to our down payment, but had we know it would have unspoken strings attached we would have never accepted it. This whole situation is causing me to have the worst anxiety! 

andrea0418

Im sorry. It sounds like you've been very kind and tried to talking to them nicely. If they really won't listen to you then you might have to put your foot down and tell them they can stay for a week then get a hotel. Then you can still spend time together, have them over for dinner but they won't be taking over your home. 

ladameperdue

Oh wow. Sounds like they really do think of your house as the 'family house.'  What would they say if you tried to start a discussion on ground rules for visits? E.g. Please can you give two-weeks notice and indicate how long you would like to stay, please no dogs, etc. 

kiyamurph

**Lurking from March**
First of all, I'm so sorry your family isn't being considerate of you and your marriage. It's not fair. This really struck a chord with me and I'm coming out of lurking mode to respond because this is exactly something my MIL would do. To put it nicely, she's a selfish bitch. I'm not saying your family is purposely being rude, but it sounds like you've tried being nice and that clearly hasn't worked. When it comes to things like this where you've been cordial and tried to keep the conversation civil to no avail, it now needs to escalate to where you may not be able to play nice anymore. My MIL decided she was going to stay with my husband and I for 6 weeks after he had major surgery in 2012. Unbeknownst to me she bought a one way ticket. She figured that her baaaaaby had surgery so mommy needs to be here to take of him. That's a big nope sandwich lady. He now has a wife that will take of him, thanks. Long story short, my husband vehemently put his foot down and made it clear that she was to take her ass home after 2 weeks. What I'm saying is that it's time to take the gloves off with your family and let them know that in no way shape or form will they being staying in YOUR house for an extended period of time. Let them know that yes, you are eternally grateful for them for helping with a down payment, but ultimately, it is your home. Gift giving does not equate to entitlement. They're abusing your kindness and it's now taking a toll on your relationship. If need be, maybe it'll help to write it all down in an email to get your point across. Whatever method you choose to communicate, you have to be firm in your delivery to let them know that you're not playing their game anymore. If their feelings are hurt, then they'll get over it, but they have to start showing you and your family some respect. So sorry for the long post. Back to lurk mode. Good luck!

herewegrow

What a pain, I could not let this fly either! Good for you for being so patient so far. I agree with setting a time limit and giving them resources for local places to stay that they would "enjoy checking out" if they choose to stay in town longer. I had to take that route when I had #2 and didn't want everyone staying at my house without me there. Best of luck!

Also, I assume you have a guest space? Maybe you "have to" convert that to something else with new baby coming. The stay won't be so convenient then, so maybe they'll be shorter?

cafedisco

What a tough situation!  We've had to put our feet down many times with family and it's always hard.  But, usually, the anticipation is worse than the actual confrontation. 

The only advice I can give is to not offer reasons. If you say "we can only host you for X amount of time because we need to stick to our routine" or something, they will just zoom in on the reason and fight that or justify why that doesn't matter.  There's a chance you end up getting your words twisted and walk away without your message received.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter your reasons anyway.  It's your house.  If you say they can't stay or can only stay for 2-3 days, you don't need a reason. 

I say this all from personal experience.  Every time we justify and defend ourselves, it goes bad.  When we just cut to the point and say what we need, there's nothing to fight over.