FTM nervous about relationship change?

BabyTaylor88

I'm due with my first on November 9th and although hubby and I are very excited, we both sometimes talk about how scared we are of it no longer just being us (Like we are scared of how the dynamic of our relationship will change). We have been married for 4 years and together for 8 and the pregnancy came as a major surprise. Has anybody felt like this or are there any STMs out there that felt like this before your first born? 

rspalding001

It is a big adjustment. I mean you go from being able to do whatever you want to having a tiny person who's needs always need to be considered before your own. Sometimes the loss of freedom was overwhelming. But you do adjust, and I think the fact that you are recognizing that a big change is forthcoming is a huge first step. Just know that yes your relationship will change, but it can be for the better, it just depends on how you approach it. If you morn the loss of your past life too much it can make it hard, but if you embrace the change and surround yourself with people going through the same thing you are it will be much easier. I honestly think that's why so many new parents have a hard time staying close with their non parent friends. Just know that your ability to love will multiply and you will find joy in places You never knew you could. Keep the dialogue open between you and your husband and you will be able to work through all the rough patches.

rebekahrathe

Congrats on the addition to ur family!!! I'm due with my 2nd on November 17th! How you are feeling was the exact way I felt before we had our first. And to be honest, your relationship does change. At least ours did but not in a bad way. Going through the delivery, figuring things out as first time parents, bonding and sharing the love we both feel for our daughter brought us closer. We had been married for almost 4 years together for 6 when we had our daughter. Having a baby that's a combination of both of us has been so amazing and has brough us even closer. That being said, it's not always easy. First, I didn't realize how demanding breastfeeding would be, at least in the beginning when she ate so often. I wasn't able to give the attention to my hubby that he was use to getting. We have to be organized in order to have a night out or do any kind of date day. Have a sitter or family member. Speaking of date nights or days I highly recommend taking the time for just the 2 of you! It's soo important. Our daughter goes to bed at 7:30 so we have the rest of the night to hang out just the 2 of us but dressing up, going out to dinner and doing something fun is so healthy!! It won't always be easy, but it sounds like u have a good relationship with ur hubby which I feel makes a huge difference! That will help you get through the hard stressful times. Just know things are just a phase.  You will go through cluster feeding, sleep regressions, teething...all kinds of things but they don't last forever. One last thing that's important to how our life has changed is knowing she came into our life so we have had her adapt to that. We take her out to eat all the time...sporting events...ect. We never wanted to divorce ourselves from things we enjoy because we had a child. It's just an adjustment. You will find ur way, just make an effort...even when u are tired! Haha!! Good luck!!  

Muscatmommyof4

This is our 4th baby DH and I have been together for 12 almost 13yrs and yes your realtionship is going to change and you will have plenty of ups and downs but having a baby is a bonding experience that will most likely make you closer. Just prepare yourself for sleepless nights, getting frustrated, having differences on situations ect... So if it does happen you can remind yourself that it's temporary and wont last forever. Not every baby is hard and overwhelming so it might not be such a drastic change. I understand the worry but in the end it's very rewarding! 

jenesiso

After reading this post I turned to my husband and asked "is our relationship going to change when the baby gets here?" And he replied "yes..." I felt a moment of dread until he continued with "It's going to get better."

I think I picked a good one

hollowway

While date night's are very important, also keep in mind that they are going to be less often. Your alone time may end up being when the baby is in bed at night and you have a few minutes to talk before falling asleep yourselves. Our DD refused to take a bottle, so a date didn't actually happen until she was like 6 months old and starting to eat solids and drink from a sippy cup. 

mrsmoose5

rebekahrathe said:

 And to be honest, your relationship does change. At least ours did but not in a bad way. Going through the delivery, figuring things out as first time parents, bonding and sharing the love we both feel for our daughter brought us closer. We had been married for almost 4 years together for 6 when we had our daughter. Having a baby that's a combination of both of us has been so amazing and has brough us even closer. That being said, it's not always easy. 

This. Going through delivery and figuring how to be parents, plus sharing the love for your LO and watching him/her grow strengthens your bond so much. Your relationship will change, but if you're patient with each other and communicate it will change for the better. There will be an adjustment period and you will have to make sure to communicate your needs often and clearly. Don't expect your partner to just "know" that you need a break or that you're tired or that you want him to make dinner tonight because you've been up all night with the baby. DH and I have a great marriage and he is the best father, but I definitely put us through some unnecessary stress by assuming he would just "get it" and meet my needs as a new mom intuitively. Once I got better about telling him what I needed, he was happy to oblige and work with me and everything became easier. Sometimes you will have to be very intentional about working as a team to make sure both of your needs as parents and individuals are met.

arcticseal-2

My advice on this is to figure out your parenting style together.   Who's up with the baby when?  Do you believe in CIO or are you going to use some other method?   What do you think about discipline and how's it going to look?  Etc., etc.   My husband and I have survived kids and become better but we have similar parenting styles so kids don't cause the arguments between us very often.   

MrsBigTime

Having a baby definitely changes the dynamic, but for every challenge, there is a beautiful aspect too. One thing I knew would be important for my marriage was for me to make a conscious effort to pay attention to my husband. I'm hesitant to write that because it sounds so 1950's, but I had wanted a baby so badly that I didn't want him to suddenly feel less valued. It didn't take much, but being sure to ask him how he was doing, or putting our daughter down so I could greet him with a hug made a big difference for us. Thankfully, we really did already have a very strong marriage and our girl really helped to solidify the bond we already had. It's important to respect the strengths and weakness of your partner as they learn to be a parent, and to recognize that he is going to learn how to be a parent in his own way just like you will. I found I wanted to "correct" him in what he was doing initially, but really, he was just learning how to take care of his baby and he really was doing so beautifully. Sure, some things came easier to me (a lifetime of baby experience will do that!), but there isn't one thing (other than nurse) that he didn't figure out in his own, unique, perfect way. 4 years later, my daughter and him have an incredible bond that is very, very different than hers and mine, but knowing that someone else loves and cares for my most precious gift with the same intensity as I do, really truly does make me love him more! One last piece of advice would be to steal away the moments you two have alone together and feed your relationship. Wether it's going for a walk when a friend is over, arranging a sitter so you two can go out, or having a glass of wine together on the couch - be sure to regularly verbally (and physically, when you are up to it!) reconnect and focus on your partner the man/woman vs. the new parent. 

hoosiermama-2

You're not alone! We've been together six years, married four on September 29, and I've brought this up quite a few times over the last couple of months, especially. Sometimes I point out super nice or fun moments when we're alone to remind him that... this is special, let's remember this, let's savor it.
Not so much scared that it won't just be us anymore, but a little sad. We've always wanted children and are super stoked, but it's also a little sad (maybe nostalgic is a better word?) and I think that's okay!

Anyway, no advice to offer. Just wanted to say that I share your sentiment.

desoky01

@hoosiermama I identify with what you said so much! I do a lot of thinking about how things will change, and I am both so excited but also a little sad/nostalgic. My husband and I have been together 2 years, married for less than a year (we technically got pregnant before we were married as H had health concerns that threatened fertility) and sometimes I feel a little rushed, but also blessed that we got pregnant during this trying times. It means that we were not prepared at all however! Sometimes it feels like such a big change, but a very good one! 

Fullhandsfullheart

Having a baby made me love my husband more than ever. We were together for 8 years before having a baby, but nothing could've prepared me for what it would be like to see him as a dad. He was so involved right from the start, and learning the ropes with him really strengthened our relationship. We both had no idea what we were doing, so we learned to work together and be a team when it came to parenting and we've really learned to appreciate each other and all that we both do for our kids. While we both miss having the freedom to go on dates and spend time together just the two of us, we are making an effort to have date nights at home after the kids go to bed. Just something simple like making an appetizer and playing a game together at night to reconnect has made a huge difference. It's easy to get so busy with the kids and put our relationship behind them, so we are trying to make a point to spend time together just at home on week nights, and plan a special date night once a month to look forward to.