A pile of questions...

TheHauntedHauswife

A have a few things i wanted to write here since i havent managed to be around here much. I thought to not clutter the board I would just combine them! Forgive me if things are a little all over the place. :P

1 - How do you handle Thank You cards? I feel like i am sending out more mail than i ever have in my life. Thank you cards from the shower, then birth annoucments, then some people sent more gifts after birth, so i send second thank yous to some people, then we mailed out invites to our baby naming (like a christening/baptism sorta) and I was just messing with my registry for my own benefit to see what i still wanted to get and i saw some more gifts are gone which im guessing means people are bringing gifts to the baby naming (which i did not expect) - Should i keep sending thank you cards to all these people? some potentially 3x? 

2 - My SIL had a baby 9 days after us. Unfortunately they are having a much rougher time with theirs than we are with ours despite theirs being baby #2. I love them to death and i want to be able to communicate, parent together and have fun together. But how do you all deal with baby comparisons when you are close to someone? Its getting a little rough for me because it constantly feels like i am being quizzed on what im doing with her, being judged on what im doing with her (depsite that its working wonderfully) and it just seems like there is no other conversations going on besides comparing. I dont participate in return too much besides directly answering the questions im asked. But i dont know. I obviously do not feel guilty that i have a great baby, i KNOW i am so lucky, but would it be too much to ask to just maybe not be spoken to like i have some nerve having a ''good'' baby? [I hope this made sense]

3 - Speaking of cousin baby ^, for some reason our mutual MIL seems to be very comfortable with him (and his older sister), but extremely uncomfortable with our daughter. My husband and I cant figure it out for the life of us why she is acting this way. She picks up our baby like shes never held a baby before, but she picks up the cousin like shes very comfortable. Just strange. Curious if anyones had any similar experiences?

4 - Finally, im wondering what FTMs are doing or what STMs have done to go about making/finding mommy-friends?

adiaz132003

TheHauntedHauswife said:

A have a few things i wanted to write here since i havent managed to be around here much. I thought to not clutter the board I would just combine them! Forgive me if things are a little all over the place. :P

1 - How do you handle Thank You cards? I feel like i am sending out more mail than i ever have in my life. Thank you cards from the shower, then birth annoucments, then some people sent more gifts after birth, so i send second thank yous to some people, then we mailed out invites to our baby naming (like a christening/baptism sorta) and I was just messing with my registry for my own benefit to see what i still wanted to get and i saw some more gifts are gone which im guessing means people are bringing gifts to the baby naming (which i did not expect) - Should i keep sending thank you cards to all these people? some potentially 3x? 

2 - My SIL had a baby 9 days after us. Unfortunately they are having a much rougher time with theirs than we are with ours despite theirs being baby #2. I love them to death and i want to be able to communicate, parent together and have fun together. But how do you all deal with baby comparisons when you are close to someone? Its getting a little rough for me because it constantly feels like i am being quizzed on what im doing with her, being judged on what im doing with her (depsite that its working wonderfully) and it just seems like there is no other conversations going on besides comparing. I dont participate in return too much besides directly answering the questions im asked. But i dont know. I obviously do not feel guilty that i have a great baby, i KNOW i am so lucky, but would it be too much to ask to just maybe not be spoken to like i have some nerve having a ''good'' baby? [I hope this made sense]

3 - Speaking of cousin baby ^, for some reason our mutual MIL seems to be very comfortable with him (and his older sister), but extremely uncomfortable with our daughter. My husband and I cant figure it out for the life of us why she is acting this way. She picks up our baby like shes never held a baby before, but she picks up the cousin like shes very comfortable. Just strange. Curious if anyones had any similar experiences?

4 - Finally, im wondering what FTMs are doing or what STMs have done to go about making/finding mommy-friends?

For question 4, I joined a stroller fitness group and I make a point to take walks in areas where I know a lot of moms go and I strike up conversation.  I tend to be a very extroverted person so it's been easy for me just talk to random people.  I actually made a great friend while on one of these walks and now we meet up once a week with our babies.

vintagevix2016

#1: I still have a ton of them to do! I've been avoiding them, talk about awful manners. Some of them I can't do since the receipients speak only French and I can barely speak or write it at this point so my husband will need to handle those ones. In your case I would send thank yous for gifts given ay events (like the baby naming), even if some have already received cards from you. If someone sends you a second or third gift randomly, maybe just call or send an email? I wonder if Emily Post has something regarding that in her etiquette book. Beats me!

#4: There are always Mommy & Me groups, exercise/dance classes, or check out baby stores. Sometimes they offer workshops and such, which would tive you the opportunity to meet other moms. I haven't had any luck since I don't speak French and the English ones are too far away for easy travel. I'm kinda stuck in isolation except for the lovely ladies I "meet" on the internet. I'm working on my French though so hopefully I can join something down the road.

Lizbeth86

For #2, it sounds like they're resistant to adopting your methods, so they must just be asking because they are insecure about whether they are doing something wrong? If they don't really want help then I think the best you can do is act like you're just lucky bc you have a good baby, and they just have a difficult baby and there's not much they can do about it. I had a friend who struggled with her baby and was very big on comparing and then pointing out a) why she wouldn't do what others were doing and b) that she was just unfortunate bc her baby was diffucult. I think she just wanted reassurance that she was a competent mom and the difficulty wasn't her fault. (Even though in reality she was probably making some things more difficult for herself.)

For #3 is it possible that you have a different relationship with your MIL than your SIL does? Or you sound like you have everything under control and this may intimidate MIL bc you may be more definite in how you want your baby handled. I really don't know your family dynamic so it's hard to tell. I know I was less intimidated by babysitting one brother's kids than another's bc one SIL was just happy they were alive when they came home, while the other SIL had higher standards lol. I love them both but I was an amateur aunt at the time.

TheHauntedHauswife

adiaz132003  I really have to get more comfortable just kind of talking up with moms i see out and stuff. I have read people saying it before and its so true, making mommy friends totally feels like dating lol.

vintagevix2016 oh yeah i can see the language barrier being an issue. I really dont have any excuse. The party came and went and i definitely got some second and third gifts! People are extremely kind to us. 

I think i am going to need to try out a mommy and me yoga. Its an all around good idea, i really just need to do it.

TheHauntedHauswife

Lizbeth86 I can understand maybe some of those things being accurate. I obviously am not sure but i do think its somewhat rough on them knowing the kind of people they are. They tend to be very knowledgeable people so i imagine it is hard for them to be having a rough time, especially since their first child wasnt like this one at all.

Yes the relationship IS different but i always viewed it as being the other way around. I know shes somewhat intimidated by my sister in law and shes definitely the take no BS type. Im sure its the difference in dynamics i am just not entirely sure why. Its really fine, i dont really need her to be more involved but my husband would like her to be.

adiaz132003

I never thought if it like dating. Probably cause I've never dated before lol 

TheHauntedHauswife

adiaz132003 Hah, I never really did either! With my husband since I was 17 [now 27]. 

laurendiaz02

adiaz132003 said:

I never thought if it like dating. Probably cause I've never dated before lol 

Lol. Same here. Met my hubby when he was 15 and we were both in high school. Going on 13 years together and 6 years married. I don't think I would know how to "date" in today's world. Haha. 

kristinamarie10

2. I can definitely relate, my SO's cousin had her baby a few weeks after me, and even since pregnancy it's been a bit comparative. Very different relationship from my friend who had a baby at the same time. (with the friend) we share stories and talk about other things, ask questions we're unsure of; but with his cousin it's different. We don't talk like how We used to. 

4. Mommy friends! I have one ( my SO's brestfriends wife, previously mentioned) so I'm hoping once I start taking her on walks (I live in Vegas, it's still super hot) I'll hopeful make some friends at parks like PP's have said

MistKeeper

 #1 I did verbal thank yous for second gifts. Largely because at that time I was out of thank you cards and too much of a mess to navigate going to a store to get more (those first six weeks were pretty hard for me).

#2 So, I have a fussy baby, and my brother had his first (easy going) baby a month before me. While I can't speak to your specific situation, I know I feel pressure from my family to do things his way. I think my family judges me because I have a fussy baby and think that it's something I'm doing wrong. For example, I'm breastfeeding my baby, and he sleeps in my room. My brother uses formula and their baby sleeps in a swing in the living room. He has put rice cereal in my niece's bottle since she was two months old and just fed the baby cake as its first food at a wedding (baby is 3 months). Their baby is not on any type of sleep schedule (mine goes to bed at 7pm or turns into a nightmare), spends the day watching TV (I asked my brother what her favorite thing to do was and he said "Watch TV with me and bounce" whereas my child has "watched" one baseball game with DH), and has been infinitely more mobile ---going to state fairs, bbqs, out to dinner--- since she was born. I have a colicy baby who I've found really hard to deal with and not as easy to get out and about (although it's getting increasingly better) and my family raised me more the way my brother is raising his daughter. Consequently, his fussiness is being blamed on me. I resent this, and it might come out a bit when I'm talking to my brother. I really don't care how they do things. All parents need to do what's right for them and find their own way, but I resent that their parenting style is being praised as "better" since it's yielded a calmer baby thus far and is similar to how my parents raised us.

#3 I agree with LizBeth86

#4 Still trying to figure that out myself. There are nursing groups here, but I feel awkward going since breastfeeding has been going pretty well so far (there have been a few ups and downs), and some women seem to be really struggling. It's a small space, and I worry that it would be better used for some of the newborn moms who are just figuring everything out. Plus the two times (I know that's not enough) that I went, I didn't really connect with anyone. At six months, there are library programs and music mommy and me classes I plan on joining, but that doesn't really help for now. I know this doesn't help you, but at the very least you're not alone in your dilemma.