August 2016 Moms
cinnabonjovi
member
Setting Boundaries? Need advice please.
cinnabonjovi
member
So today is my due date, and I'm still waiting for LO to get here but I'm starting to stress out about the delivery situation and afterwards.
My mom is the kind of person who has never once in my life respected any boundaries or requests for privacy. I'm her only child and so she uses that as an excuse to use random details of my life to get attention from friends/family. (i.e. I got the sniffles and somehow everyone ever knew or I got my period for the first time and she called the whole damn family to tell them.)
I try to avoid hurting her delicate feelings BUT I'm getting to the point where she is making me furious. I've tried being the 'good daughter' who keeps her mom updated on things but she's getting too pushy and I feel like ripping my hair out.
Example, when I found out I was pregnant- I told her but asked her not to tell anyone yet because we weren't ready to announce it. The next freaking day, I get on FB and see that she posted on a friend of hers wall that she needed to pray for me because I'm pregnant out of wedlock. LIKE SERIOUSLY?
She then gave me a bunch of crap that she saved from when I was a baby that I don't want or need and demands I take pictures of my daughter in them when she's born, when I have told her that I have no room for the stuff and don't want it. She buys things from yard sales and thrift stores that are either nasty or completely age inappropriate (i.e. mildew covered baby carrier, used car seat, size 4t clothes etc.) and then gets insulted if I don't act delighted.
She's started calling the family (my grandma, aunts, cousins) almost daily to start talking some debbie downer style things like how she doesn't think I'll be able to have the baby natural because I'm so petite and I won't be able to breastfeed because she couldn't and how my boyfriend is going to hell for being Catholic.
THEN after I tell her that I only want my boyfriend in the delivery room, she has the nerve to ask if she can be in there. I told her no, that I felt it was an intimate time for me and him and baby. She proceeds to get her feelings hurt and cry because "your grandma was in the room with me and I was glad to have her".
THEN she tells me that she wants to know when I go into labor so she can tell everyone and be in the waiting room.. I told her that I didn't want a bunch of people there as soon as I delivered and she said "Well, you'll just have to deal with it because it's what people do". NO. NO NO NO. I want a little bit of recovery time before she's in my room trying to hold MY baby, especially when my mom is a sickly person who pretty much always has a sinus infection and has had multiple bouts of MRSA. It might sound bad but I'm kind of reluctant to even let her hold the baby. (She won't even get a TDAP booster.)
And to complicate it all, she can't even drive so my dad would have to be there as well and he hasn't spoken to me ever since he found out I was pregnant because he's and outspoken racist and my boyfriend is Mexican. He has already pretty much said that he doesn't claim this grandbaby and I certainly don't want him hanging around insulting my boyfriend's family during what should be a happy time. OH and she has set up a baby area in their house (which is cluttered with my dad's hoard), despite the fact that I have told her that the baby will not be staying with them as their house is dirty and they have multiple cats which I'm allergic to and that I do NOT want my child around my father unless a miracle occurs. Apparently this makes me a terrible daughter because I won't let my infant go to a potentially dangerous situation for overnight visits once she's born.
I'm seriously afraid that she's going to try to push herself into the delivery room right after or invite a bunch of people that I barely know in to meet my baby, when I'm going to be tired and want family time ( Me, boyfriend, baby).
She's already basically said that she doesn't care what I want, so would it be rude if I made a FB post visible to other family member and friends outlining MY wishes and boundaries so that I don't jut get trampled by everyone? ( I don't mind visitors but I don't want them when I just pushed a rather large baby out my hoohah not an hour earlier. )
Sorry it's such a long post, I'm just stressing out so bad over it. I don't want to be a "bad daughter", but I feel like if I don't put my foot down now- she'll just try to steamroll me forever..
My mom is the kind of person who has never once in my life respected any boundaries or requests for privacy. I'm her only child and so she uses that as an excuse to use random details of my life to get attention from friends/family. (i.e. I got the sniffles and somehow everyone ever knew or I got my period for the first time and she called the whole damn family to tell them.)
I try to avoid hurting her delicate feelings BUT I'm getting to the point where she is making me furious. I've tried being the 'good daughter' who keeps her mom updated on things but she's getting too pushy and I feel like ripping my hair out.
Example, when I found out I was pregnant- I told her but asked her not to tell anyone yet because we weren't ready to announce it. The next freaking day, I get on FB and see that she posted on a friend of hers wall that she needed to pray for me because I'm pregnant out of wedlock. LIKE SERIOUSLY?
She then gave me a bunch of crap that she saved from when I was a baby that I don't want or need and demands I take pictures of my daughter in them when she's born, when I have told her that I have no room for the stuff and don't want it. She buys things from yard sales and thrift stores that are either nasty or completely age inappropriate (i.e. mildew covered baby carrier, used car seat, size 4t clothes etc.) and then gets insulted if I don't act delighted.
She's started calling the family (my grandma, aunts, cousins) almost daily to start talking some debbie downer style things like how she doesn't think I'll be able to have the baby natural because I'm so petite and I won't be able to breastfeed because she couldn't and how my boyfriend is going to hell for being Catholic.
THEN after I tell her that I only want my boyfriend in the delivery room, she has the nerve to ask if she can be in there. I told her no, that I felt it was an intimate time for me and him and baby. She proceeds to get her feelings hurt and cry because "your grandma was in the room with me and I was glad to have her".
THEN she tells me that she wants to know when I go into labor so she can tell everyone and be in the waiting room.. I told her that I didn't want a bunch of people there as soon as I delivered and she said "Well, you'll just have to deal with it because it's what people do". NO. NO NO NO. I want a little bit of recovery time before she's in my room trying to hold MY baby, especially when my mom is a sickly person who pretty much always has a sinus infection and has had multiple bouts of MRSA. It might sound bad but I'm kind of reluctant to even let her hold the baby. (She won't even get a TDAP booster.)
And to complicate it all, she can't even drive so my dad would have to be there as well and he hasn't spoken to me ever since he found out I was pregnant because he's and outspoken racist and my boyfriend is Mexican. He has already pretty much said that he doesn't claim this grandbaby and I certainly don't want him hanging around insulting my boyfriend's family during what should be a happy time. OH and she has set up a baby area in their house (which is cluttered with my dad's hoard), despite the fact that I have told her that the baby will not be staying with them as their house is dirty and they have multiple cats which I'm allergic to and that I do NOT want my child around my father unless a miracle occurs. Apparently this makes me a terrible daughter because I won't let my infant go to a potentially dangerous situation for overnight visits once she's born.
I'm seriously afraid that she's going to try to push herself into the delivery room right after or invite a bunch of people that I barely know in to meet my baby, when I'm going to be tired and want family time ( Me, boyfriend, baby).
She's already basically said that she doesn't care what I want, so would it be rude if I made a FB post visible to other family member and friends outlining MY wishes and boundaries so that I don't jut get trampled by everyone? ( I don't mind visitors but I don't want them when I just pushed a rather large baby out my hoohah not an hour earlier. )
Sorry it's such a long post, I'm just stressing out so bad over it. I don't want to be a "bad daughter", but I feel like if I don't put my foot down now- she'll just try to steamroll me forever..
Re: Setting Boundaries? Need advice please.
As for once the baby is born, you just need to set internal boundaries for yourself with the baby and never waiver. If you waiver your mom will hold that over your head as a "well you brought her that one time". Know that if the baby isn't visiting your moms house that well, the baby isn't visiting your moms house. Maybe once she's older. But as an infant I completely understand not wanting the baby around a dirty home with cats. And when you say she had to "clear" a path, that to me sounds like a not so good place for an infant to be hanging out in. Not to mention you said your mom has had multiple bouts of MRSA, that usually comes from unsanitary places. Wether or not it's from their home, I would still keep from risking my infant being in the home.
I have a very abrasive mother myself. I don't know what type of person you are or your boyfriend is. I have to tiptoe my point across a lot because I fear losing the relationship with my mom. But, lately I have just done what I want. And not expressed verbally anything futuristic with her. Because like you said she's upset about overnight stays, well she's not even born yet. There is no point in talking about anything but today's situation with people like her. And once she is born you can have an excuse for why you make the decision you make - yep every time. And every time YOU'RE the mom, if you don't want her to spend the night you can make an excuse. And if your mom gets fed up you can just say well mom your house is filthy and I have zero desire to send my infant to spend the night with you. Sorry. I love you but sorry.
You're in control, and yes with controlling parents we let them steamroll us in a lot of ways. But trust me once your little girl is here, you won't let yourself allow anything you aren't comfortable with happen to her. And I'm assuming your boyfriend won't either. Things will be different for you once she's here. A lot changed for me with my relationship with my mom after my DD was born. Hang in there. And don't be afraid to make choices on your own, if your mom is mad she will get over it. You said yourself you're her only child. And now with her only grandbaby. She will have to get over it or she won't have any children or grandchildren to visit with!
*Edited because the first draft was me so worked up there were too many typos and errors! Lol
Good Luck and keep us updated how it goes. We all want the best for you!
The hospital I'm going to has a code on the doors to get into L&D and that is probably going to be such a hassle saver.
Just know that you won't make everyone happy. So as long as you and your bf are happy that's the most important.
We battled with this as well. But thankfully the universe took care of it for us. I went into labor prior to my scheduled c-section. Delivered after 9 pm and visiting hours were over till the morning. The hospital said we could allow family in after we got to the room if we wanted, but we could also fall back on the visiting hours are over rule. We decided to wait till the morning.