How do I handle this pain?

taking44ever

I told my husband this week that I am pregnant. He seemed okay. We were not trying but obviously not avoiding it. 

Tonight we got into an argument because I told him that someday I would like to live closer to my daughter or have a small apartment.. She lives w her dad. We live an hour away from her for my husband's job. I work too and we make about the same amount.   I moved to be w my husband and expected to take my daughter. But my ex fought to keep my daughter in same city for stability. I got stuck w child support and my new husband said we could not move closer or even have apt. We stay in hotels if we visit. Otherwise we drive in and drive out ...same day. 

He immediately lashed out at me and told me that he was sick of my guilt trips and we will NEVER live close to my daughter because we can't afford to move. He said not in 1 year. Not in 5 years. NEVER. And I need to get used to it. 

Then he said that he looked into the cost of having the baby and it is 15k. And he said we just keep making "one mistake after another". 

I choked back tears and walked into the other room. I am so upset. I am obviously emotional but I need to know if I am too sensitive for feeling like telling him I am done with his arse. 

I am so hurt on so many levels. 

He has 2 kids. One is 18 and about to go to college (out of town). The other is 16. He pays child support for both. (We pay). He also pays 500 a piece on cars and insurance. and tonight he literally gAve me shit because I bought my daughter 2 new pairs of shoes for school. Total 90 bucks. 

taytay92675

Sounds like there needs to be some sort of compromise from your husband, if he is not willing to compromise and out right refuses, then you have some soul searching to do.  Is this what you really want?  Maybe seek out a therapist that can help you through this. 

taking44ever

He is not willing to compromise without it impacting our relationship.  He uses it as a threat -- and says that he didn't sign up for this and he doesn't like long distance or traveling....  It's just very hard because he really knows how to get to me and I am trying VERY hard not to take it personally.  The thing is - his kids are older.  And he is now saying he can't move from them.  He RARELY sees them.  He sees them about once or twice every other week for dinner.  They NEVER stay at our house and it's the absolute opposite of my situation with my daughter.

EverythingsBetterOutside

Wow. Ouch! First, I would have had these kinds of conversations before marriage (and did), but whether you did or not, that's in the past now. I would definitely say these are serious issues. Your husband basically saying he won't let you have a greater share in custody of your daughter or a more consistent relationship with her is not only hurtful to you and her, but raises my concerns about a possibly of an abusive relationship. You make it sound like he's really controlling, but we do only have part of the story.

Personally, I'm strongly against divorce, so I would go to counseling immediately and try to work it out rather than going straight to tell him you're done. I have faith that my husband is a good man, so if he said something like what your husband has, there's something up. Maybe he's really stressed about money or stressed for time. Things said in anger and frustration are sometimes just venting, so if this were my husband, I'd make a strong effort to reinstate effective communication and have a rational discussion, and get to the bottom of those feelings. Being able to see your kid is really important, and there should be able to be a compromise- you see your daughter without him, split the difference and move to where you're half an hour from daughter and half an hour from work, work out a custody schedule where you have your daughter as close to 50% as possible (weekends, school breaks, summer, etc).

If that isn't possible, you may end up with a choice to make. If you choose your daughter, be aware that you may lose your husband, and your next child will also grow up on a broken home.

If you choose your husband, you need to be very, very intentional about your relationship with your daughter. Know that either way you (and stepmom, if there is one) are her example of a wife, how one should act and be treated. Show her the kind of marriage you want her to have. Also, be prepared her asking you one day why you left her, moved away, and chose a man over her. Make sure she knows that you love her, want her, and care about her. Not just that she hears it, but that she knows it. I'm on the other side of this- my stepson's bio mom moved to the other side of the country and he's lived with my husband ever since. He visits BM and communicates almost daily, but he's dealing with strong feelings of rejection and relational trauma from BM. As much as we encourage his relationship with her, we can't fix it or make her choices for her. My tips, and what I would say to BM in this situation: see your child often and consistently. You're an hour away- that's close! My daily commute is that long each way, so I don't see a problem with going out and back in a day. Make sure she sees you a few times each week. ALWAYS be there when you're supposed to be. Make sure she knows she's a priority to you- you're not going to cancel because something more important came up. Make sure she knows your home is her home (you didn't mention it, but she does stay with you sometimes, right?)- she has her own room, her things are there, she's totally part of the family, and friends are there. And keep pushing to move back to her- I think "you left me" can be negated by "you came back for me".

KonaCoffeeBean

If you feel like you made a mistake by moving away from daughter (that's what I'm reading into this), then you should fix it sooner rather than later. I think trying to get your husband to agree to move "later" is just going to push the problem down the road. If you made a mistake, own up to it, fix it, be clear that it's not an ultimatum nor a negotiation. Personally, I would say "Husband, I made a mistake by moving away from Daughter; I need to move closer to her. I really hope you will come with me."

mothernorth

@EverythingsBetterOutside Beautifully said. +1

mrsguzman1002

That hurts ! My husband has 3 kids with another woman but we have custody of them and they call me mom and I do everything I can for them and yet when he feels I'm being unfair he'll say his kids not ours and that hurts because I'm being a mother to kids I don't have to be and sometimes he does things for his kids that doesn't do for ours and it's very frustrating. Everytime it happens we talk about it and my husband who sounds like yours says really hurtful things when he's upset just to be an asshole. Literally that's what he says. If I were you I would tell him look I love my daughter and I'm going to move to be closer to her. It's not fair for her to grow up without a mother just because you don't want to move or figure out a budget we can live within. You have children too so how would you feel I told you it wasn't OK to pay for their cars and insurance ? These are serious issues and you can't let him make you a bad mother. Not saying you are. But you want to be there for your daughter so do it. And if he really feels your pregnancy is a mistake and doesn't want anything to do with your daughter I would walk. Or ask for therapy. But don't let him rule your relationship with your daughter. That's not right.