Hi....new here....(parent loss & children mentioned)

beckij34

I had posted on the Infertility board but I'm not getting any action, lol, over there so I thought I'd try here. I'm new to the bump. I have PCOS and was diagnosed nine years ago. I'll turn 34 soon and am single with no kids. I did two IUI's last fall but neither took. I took a break after the second to regroup plus I was my father's caregiver. He passed in February. I'm looking at completing my third IUI within the next month or two. I pray that this one works because I am honestly undecided as to what I'm going to do if it doesn't. I want to be a mom more than anything. I'll be a single mom by choice as I've been single since my divorce six and a half years ago. I know a lot of women move on to IVF but I know its really expensive and I don't know if I'd be able to afford it or if I should try a few more IUI's but those also get expensive as well. I'm alone in my journey as no one in my family has dealt with infertility issues. I'm told to 'stop thinking about it', 'your stressing yourself out trying not to stress yourself out', 'go have sex with your guy friend. he's got really cute kids.', 'get drunk & find a stranger.' and the list of comments could go on and on. I know some of them mean well but it's frustrating because they don't understand that it's not just that easy for me to get pregnant. It sucks. I'm hoping to find a home with women on the same journey as me. Thanks for reading.

lablover78

Hi there are lots of us with PCOS on this board. It can definitely be a frustrating journey. 

ReesaAnne16

Hello,

I'm sorry your friends haven't been very supportive; those are some ridiculous things they've said (What is it about IF that causes people to say the rudest things?) I'm also sorry that you have struggled through deaths in the family during this time too; that is very difficult.

I saw your post on the IF board, but was unsure what kind of response you were looking for.  

beckij34 said:
....  I've dealt with really bad anxiety (panic attacks), depression, and insomnia since he's passed. I've been in counseling since before he passed and am still going and I work out two to three times a week with and without my trainer. I'm finally coming out on the other side of my grief and feel like I'm in a better place. My counselor is concerned that if this IUI doesn't take then I'll go back to square one mentally and have to fight this battle to get back to solid ground again....

This comment made me concerned for you, because being a single parent is stressful, and I would expect very lonely at times. Your anxiety will not go away after you become pregnant, and post-partum depression is real. 
I hope you continue to seek counseling, and I suggest you work hard to find your worth and identify outside of your desire to be a mom; IF will suck the life out of you if you don't. I say these things out of genuine concern for your well being, not to be mean.

You should jump in and join our weekly check-in or perhaps the monthly IUI threads on the IF board. I think you'll find getting to know the other ladies here, and cheering them on regularly can be a refreshing way to battle the depression that comes with repeated failed cycles.

Welcome!

beckij34

Thanks @ReesaAnne16. I am still in counseling and will continue it for forever if need be. My dad passing was expected to happen at some point because of his health issues but he passed before I thought he would. I was the one that found him deceased. She worried I'll go back to the horrid depression, panic attacks, not eating, or sleeping and neither of us want me to go back to that dark place. It's been a long six months since he's passed. I was his caregiver and executor so I've had a lot on my plate that I've had to deal with. I know that PPD is real and I've seen how bad it can get (I have an aunt that suffers from it). I know I'm not actively in the throws of treatments so I didn't know if that's why I wasn't getting a response. I have a hard time getting my thoughts out on paper, so to speak, and it making sense to others. Thanks for your response. I appreciate it. 

Bababatty

Hi there and welcome. I'm so, so sorry about your dad! I'm glad you're in counseling and that it's helping you. Big believer in counseling myself. 

I'm also really sorry about what your friends have been saying. I'm glad you found us because I think you'll find this board--and the Infertilty board--to be full of lots of people who understand your struggles and can support you. I hope you jump on in. 

iloverocksalot

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Any one of those things would be stressful enough, but having them all together is immensely tough, I imagine. 

People can be very insensitive when it comes to IF. They do not understand unless they've gone through it themselves. I get all kinds of rude comments too, and everyone seems to have an opinion. I was even told once that I was overreacting and that it probably wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I mean, most people just sorta get pregnant, so I should just "relax". It is so maddening!! 

You are in the right place for support. We've all been through a lot and we're still surviving and occasionally we can find room for hope. It's not easy for us, but we are making the best of it and holding out for the day when we will get the happy news. One of the hardest parts about IF is also one of the best- each month is new. Each month is a chapter closed and another one open. We keep riding the roller coaster and support each other. I'm sorry you've ended up here, but you'll be in our thoughts and we'll do what we can to cry and celebrate with you. 

beckij34

Thanks @iloverocksalot. The comments are very frustrating and downright rude at times. I'm going tomorrow to discuss my options with my RE. I honestly don't know what my next step will be if this IUI doesn't work. I just feel lost in my decision making. I've tried adoption, didn't work. I've done two IUI's, neither took. Family members offer to carry for me but I don't think they understand everything that goes in to that process. Life sucks at times. 

Jaje09182010

Welcome!!!! Yea i think people are well meaning when it comes to their comments like "OH If you just don't stress out you will get pregnant" I honestly think its because they have no idea what else to say and most of the time they don't mean any harm-but its still annoying to hear that all the time!

I recently have "come out" about my fertility issues with a lot of my friends and co workers because I am also a big believer that it is nothing to be ashamed of and if I don't start talking about it no one will...hahaha so you won't believe the questions/comments I get lately!!

 fertility issues are so complicated and challenging at times! 

PoeMasque

Welcome! And sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully the comments don't discourage you from discussing IF with people, I've found a few co-workers/friends who have gone through the same and it's been one of the best comforts to me. It definitely helps to have an ally in my corner when someone else makes a "just elevate your hips for an hour after sex! Worked for me!" comment. 

Im glad you are continuing to see a therapist. It's honestly never the perfect time to get pregnant....something I was told years ago when I was delaying for work, then school. I wish I'd listened back then. 

beckij34

Thanks @PoeMasque. This journey straight sucks. I know there's never a right time to get pregnant but loosing my dad really messed me up and I knew I needed to take some time to get myself back together first.

hazelpanda

Hello!  You have so much going on right now! I am so sorry about your dad.You must have a big heart to take care of him like that.

 I have unknown infertility but have ran the gamut  with different treatments. I finally conceived through IVF. I am married so I didn't face it alone, but it is always hard. And it is extremely hard to make people who are not infertile understand, even those with the best intentions can hurt us. Try to guard yourself emotionally. Be honest but maybe not be too open with everyone. It's such a fragile place to be mentally.

Some of those comments are so callous and crude. I really hate that they would marginalize your journey in that way. I am so sorry! I don't know if you believe in prayer but it helped me a ton. I struggle with panic disorder and depression. Anxiety is rooted in fear, specifically fear of the unknown. I have had some big talks with God and it really does help to shift the weight so it doesn't feel like you are all alone.
 

Also, I spoke with a psychologist who specialized in infertility and only needed to see her a handful of times and she helped me with a major hurdle. I think that might be worth looking into. My fertility Dr pointed me in her direction.

I will add you to my prayers! Best of luck in your journey!