TTC after 35

Whether to try for 2nd baby.

It took my husband and I years to have a baby, never ever thought id become pregnant. When we first married i was 26 and we went in for fertility treatments for a long time and nothing worked, i gained 40 lbs and was so sad, we were told we have unexplained fertility. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. Then when I turned 38 I told my husband we have to try again, at the age of 39 I became pregnant through IUI and fertility shots. I was so grateful and happy and I love this little guy more then anything in the world. He is all I need.  But people can have some hurtful comments when they ask if I'm planning on having a second baby. I really never thought about it because i am so grateful that i was blessed to even be a mom.  But now people are saying if I don't have a second baby my baby will be all alone in this world when my husband and I pass away. What !! That made me cry. Most people in my family live into their 90s so that means my baby will be at least 50 when i pass away, thats plenty of time for him to establish relationships, he won't be alone. But now I'm thinking about it, and i don't even know if i can get pregnant again.

Re: Whether to try for 2nd baby.

  • Hi and welcome. Sorry this has been a rough ride for you but that said...

    Why would you care what people say or think? It is about what you and your H think and if you want another baby. Also even if this board came told you all the benefits, pros, cons for another child, it still should not matter and just be your decision. I realize it's hard to avoid people's stupid comments but do what you think and feels right for your family, your health and your well being. Also no two 50 yr old women feel, think and situationally be the same. It just needs to be your decision. 

  • That's a very odd thing to say.  I am an only child and I have never feared of being all alone.  
    History and blog link in spoiler
    2016 - dx with super low ovarian reserve; failed cycle with clomid, failed IUI, 
    2017 - egg retrieval #1 - 3 eggs, 0 embryos appropriate for transfer; ER #2 2 eggs, 0 embryos on day 3; ER #3 1 egg 0 embryos
    moved to donor egg in summer 2017; 35 eggs retrieved; 19 fertilized; 9 total embryos
    Fresh transfer Dec 2017= BFP!  baby boy born 8/22/18

    May 2019 - surprise natural pregnancy ended in MC
    Nov 2019 FET; MC at 9 weeks
    May 2020 FET; BFN
    July 2020 FET; CP treated with methotrexate
    Oct 2020 BFP! 

    Take a look at my blog

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  • There are pros and cons to having one child, two children, etc.  The only thing that matters is what you think you can mentally handle considering the long road you have already been down TTC#1.  Only you can decide whether it would be worth it to go through it all again.  And you should not let others dictate what you "should" be doing...they don't know your story, your struggles, and they are not YOU!  There are plenty of one child families in the world, and there is nothing wrong with that.  Just as @laurad75 has said, children do not have to have siblings to be well adjusted, social beings with people who care about them in their lives.  They will create their own definition of "family".  
    Me: 41
    Husband: 40
    TTC#1 since 9/2014
    Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
  • This is ridiculous. First of all it's the parenting and environment that either support or harm a child, not siblings. Second, @avas_dream is exactly right. if you are in your 40s and still letting others dictate what you think or do, then I am very sorry for you. Your life must be incredibly stressful living like that. Who cares what others think?! Only you know what is best for you. no one else is going to allow you to control them, so why let them do that to you? 

    here's a little secret: everyone is incredibly selfish. They spend 99% of their time thinking about themselves, not thinking about you. 
    Me: 39 SO: 36

    Dx: low progesterone, possible DOR - officially "unexplained"

    TTC#1 since November 2015
    9/16/2016 IUI#1 - BFN
    10/12/2016 IUI#2 - BFN
    1/21/2017 Clomid/IUI#3 - BFN
    March 2017 IVF: BFP! (beta#1 191, beta#2 378!) - it's a boy! DS born 12/6/2017

    TTC #2 since July 2018
    May 2019 IVF #2: BFP! (beta#1 346, beta#2 646) - vanishing twin at 8 weeks. Baby B still going strong - due 2/8/20!
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I've heard comments both suggesting it would be good for my DD (who I had at 39) to have a sibling AND people suggesting that it would be "far too much for an older mom like me to handle two young children." My reaction, "whatever!" Only my husband and I know what we can or cannot handle or what is right for us! Not anyone else's business I say. Now here's the fun part that I secretly love...first, a person's initial shock after they (always) ask " she your only?", complete with disapproving look as if I was irresponsible at my age, and second and best, the jaw drop when I say with a smile, "yes, and we are trying for another!" I just feel like there's so much judgement out there on AMAers, particularly in the part if the country I've moved to. So my very rambly point is, we are all likely going to have those who question our decisions all along the journey, so let's keep foremost what works for our particular situation. Never lose sight of that!
  • You have a lot more patience than I do for people giving you unsolicited advice. If someone were to tell me what life choices to make based on zero information I'd have choice words. And this is not a personal comment about you or your situation, it's just how I handle the rudeness when people ask me when I'm going to have kids: Tell them "How dare you?? I'm BARREN," and watch them sputter and back track. Because it's not always your choice and it's really rude of them to assume it is and think that they have any say in your reproductive choices whatsoever. In addition to assuming that your child is apparently so socially inept that he'll never make any friends or find a life partner EVER. And assuming he's close with his sibling. Basically a lot of assuming going on, and we both know what happens when one assumes....
    Me: late 30s | H: early 30s
    TTC #1 since April 2015
    RE Dx: Fibroids, surgery Jan 2016
    IUI #1 and #2, Nov/Dec 2016, BFN
    IVF March 2017: ER - 5R/3M/3F, 1 PGS normal
    Polyp removed May 2017
    FET May 2017 - BFP!
    Baby boy born 2/2/18

  • Thank you for all your responses, if i would have gotten pregnant when i was 26 with no fertility issues I would have had a second baby, but all the stress it caused me was overwhelming trying to have just one baby. Just was referring that peoples comments do make you think about things i never thought about.  I never let people know i was even having fertility issues, because it was none of their business. Life doesn't always turn out the way we planned but just so very happy to be blessed with my son.
  • @kayleesky whatever you decide is best for you, to try or not to try for another, I wish you the best and the confidence of knowing you followed the path that was right for you.
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