Extended Family - Mainly MIL

richdog

Anyone still having issues with in-laws or extended family? I promise I'm not trying to be difficult, but my MIL is STILL DRIVING ME CRAZY. Every time we are around her, she finds a chance to get my LO and take her away from me. If we're all in the yard, she'll find an excuse to take her in the house. (While everyone is still outside.) Or if we are at a gathering, she'll find a reason to pick my LO up and take her in another room. Just to get alone time with her. This bothers me because it's always like she is trying to take my daughter from me. (This is the same woman who 1 week home from the hospital told me on 3 separate occasions that if we didn't take our LO out to visit MIL's friends she was going to come get her and take her.) The reason it bothers me is because 1) she doesn't listen to us when we try to tell her our rules for our child and 2) we don't want LO to think she can just go to her grandmother and get whatever she wants. Ex. We were leaving their house the other day, I was holding LO, and of course, she is at the age where she cries and goes limp when we leave. So my MIL got all up in my bubble and grabbed LO from my arms so she could take her to the car. In my mind, that teaches a child they don't have to listen to mom and dad. I know it's a small thing, but that's how everything starts. 

Also, the grandmother name thing is out of control. My MIL talks about it ALL THE TIME, but up until recently couldn't decide on a name she wanted to be called. Now, since my LO is saying MAMA all the time, suddenly my MIL wants to be called Grandmama. Oh, did I mention her mother (my husband's grandmother) is called MYMAMA by all her grandkids? Isn't that weird? Am I just overly sensitive or do I have a right to be upset? This is our first child, and my MIL's first grandchild. Tensions were high after my C-section, but everything had calmed down except for this one relationship. I don't think my MIL is a bad person, I just think she is going through some issues. She had 2 boys, and I think always wanted a girl. It's like she is trying to make up for lost time with my baby. She just makes me feel like she is trying to get between me and my daughter. HELP!

crsanchez87

I can see both sides of this issue. I believe on one side, that she should respect your rules and boundaries. If you say "no" to your daughter about something then she should be on your team and respect it. I think you should try to make that very clear with her. On the other hand, it sounds like she is a very loving and doting grandmother and just wants to spend some time with her only grandchild. Have you ever thought about maybe making a special date for her and your LO? Like maybe once or twice a month, she can come over and spend the afternoon/evening with LO while you go out with your SO or girlfriends? Then if you are at an all family event and she tries to steal her away you can say something like "this is family time, you are so lucky you get to spend your special time with DD, but we really want her to have some special time with the whole family as well". I don't think I would have any issue with the name Grandmama but that's just my opinion. 

richdog

Thank you for your suggestions. I wish once or twice a month would be good enough, but unfortunately it's not. It's one of those cases where if you give an inch she takes a mile. Seeing her once a week isn't enough. She sees her Sunday, then she is trying to make us come by Monday and then Tuesday, etc. My LO isn't her only grandchild, just the first. We've tried and tried to tell her what our wishes are and it always hurts her feelings. I guess our expectations are just different than most. I don't know. Thanks though.

devinsmommy31115

I have a mil who can be overbearing and frustrating as well. I think you just need to keep in mind that a grandparents "job" is to spoil their grandchildren. They look forward to it for a long time. Grandparents are meant to give kids extra ice cream, stay up late, etc. I think that you need to try to accept that. My mil bakes cookies/cake and let's my kids eat it every single time she comes over.... It used to drive me crazy! Now I'm at the point where I think.... It won't kill them and they are lucky to have such a caring and involved grandmother in their lives, because a lot of kids don't. I found that once I eased up on the control factor, I was able to see the bigger picture.

richdog

I'm sorry. I suppose the problem is I don't believe a grandparent is supposed to break our rules or fill our children with sugar. I think our parents are supposed to support us. We will not accept the cultural norms just because it's easier. I also believe there are a great many things in this world that "won't kill you" but are certainly not things you should just accept. Thanks for your input. We will have to agree to disagree I suppose. 

devinsmommy31115

I understand your side of things completely. In a perfect world, all adults in your child's life will uphold all of the same rules and values as you do. I just don't believe that is realistic. I used to be so controlling over my first daughter.... And realized that I was doing more harm than good. Your child will be exposed to teachers, neighbors, friends families, coaches, etc. will will have different rules and ideas as you do. It is just a part of life. I think that it's good for kids and it helps them to be more well-rounded and more confident in themselves.

richdog

Right now, at 18 months old a rule for people watching my child in their home is that they actually vacuum the floor every once in a while, and they realize it is necessary to do a little child proofing. My in-laws don't seem to find these issues of any value. Oh yea, and they want her to ride around with them without a car seat. I think I am allowed to be a little paranoid that they don't make good decisions. My husband made it to adulthood somehow, but sometimes I really wonder how.