In 2014 I became pregnant with my first child, a girl, and almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant, it was deemed high risk. My weight, my blood pressure, and stress factors, became huge issues in my pregnancy; but, I suppose I was in denile about the situation I found myself in. I had become pregnant by someone I wasn't in a relationship with, but had known for years - since elementary school. I knew it wasn't ideal, but I had no idea that he would turn into the person he did. He made it very clear that he didn't want our baby and that I was stupid for continuing with my pregnancy from someone who didn't love me. At 28 years old, when things should have been happy and exciting; I felt ashamed, worthless, and unwanted.
To this day, I find myself making excuses for him and the way he behaved with me. "It was a shock and any man would behave that way," or "he may not love me, but how could he not love his kid." Our relationship, if that's what you want to call it, turned into a circus; some days he was nice and others he was incredibly mean. My doctor warned me about my blood pressure and I didn't really accept the severity of it, until I was sitting in his office one day listening to him telling me that I wouldn't carry full term. I didn't want to believe it, accept it, listen to it, or believe that everything he said and everyone else said was true.
I felt like no one wanted that baby except for me and to this day, people consider it "just a bad situation." My baby was a situation, not a celebration. The father, had/has a very clear drinking problem; which I didn't realize was extremely bad until I was too deep. I blame myself all the time for what's happened. I'm angry, I cry, I lash out, I'm just so unhappy. \
I'm angry with myself for not being able to do the right thing and have a healthy baby. I'm angry at him for treating me like crap, being selfish, and playing the victim card. I'm angry at his mom for pretending to care about me, when she was really just trying to get her son to get rid of an old girlfriend. I'm angry at the people who made me feel worthless, stupid, and insignificant; because, my baby was a stupid accident - if you ask them.
I'm tired of being treated like i overreact and that I "just need to get over it, because it happened a long time ago." There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about the what if's or should have been's. Now, my friends are all pregnant and I struggle with being happy for them; because, my face can't hide my broken heart. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel hopeless, and I keep waiting for it to pass; but, it hasn't.
I don't know what to do, I was hoping for some advice or something.