Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Feeling Guilty (trigger warning, live child mentioned)

nerdymama15nerdymama15 member
edited August 2016 in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
My DH and I were pregnant with our first child earlier in 2015.  A miscarriage occurred at the end of February 2015.  Our due date would have been September 28, 2015.   We found out we were pregnant again (big surprise for us since it took three years to conceive the first) in September 2015 and our DD was born six weeks early via c-section (due to HELLPS) in April.  Her EDD was May 25.  We are delighted and love her so much. 
I cannot express the amount of love that I have for DD.  But then there are times that I feel guilty for loving her so much because I am not able to share (on earth) that same amount of love WITH our first child in heaven and then I start crying and grieving for my first all over again.  I love our first child so much even though I never got to meet him/her.  I just sometimes feel it is not fair to that child that I'm not able to share that love like I am with DD. Is it normal to feel like this?  Anyone else feel like this at times?

First Pregnancy
  • BFP: 01/25/2015
  • EDD: 09/28/2015
  • Incomplete MC: 02/28/2015

Second Pregnancy

  • BFP: 09/11/2015
  • EDD: 05/25/2016
Baby Born


Re: Feeling Guilty (trigger warning, live child mentioned)

  • My situation is similar but reversed. I have 2 children here on earth who were born before my angel boy. I think of him all the time and get very sad that he can't be here with his brothers. I feel guilty when I get sad because I want to be happy for my boys who are with me. At the same time, I feel guilty pushing my feelings aside because I want to think of my third boy as much as I think of my first two. 

    Sorry for rambling but I think what you're going through is probably normal. Mom guilt is real whether our children are here with us or in Heaven.


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  • I also have a living child, who was my first child and then miscarried between 6 and 7 weeks this year. 

    Before my m/c and since my m/c I have always adored my son and been so thankful for him and my chance to be a mom. 

    If my child had lived or if I had 3 or 4 kids, I immagine that my love for my other children would not take away from my first (or second or third) child. 

    feelings aren't logical, and the don't have to make sense, but certainly a parent can love/adore/be thankful/cherish multiple children. I don't think your love for one takes away from your love for another. 

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  • I agree.  I think we have enough love for all our children on earth and our angels.  I don't think we need to feel guilty for being happy with our children here nor do we need to feel guilty for being sad when we think of our angels.  We are entitled to both our feelings and I don't think it takes away from anything.  
  • I felt extremely guilty after my 2nd MC and during this pregnancy because I was preoccupied on my phone googling, worried, waiting for doctors calls and it took away from my living kids. Now that I've had the 2nd miscarriage that doesn't happen at all because the worry is gone and has happened. I morned my first loss a tremendous amount and cried about it up until my second loss. Now I'm just devastated that it's a reoccurring thing and I distanced myself so much from this baby because I was so worried in the first place. I don't think of it as the baby I didn't get to love or that didn't happen anymore because I think it was never meant to be and I am meant to have this happening to me. I don't know, it's a different approach. Looking at it as a whole, that you were never meant to have that baby and are meant to have another baby in the future. 
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