keep working or become a sahm?

loveymay

Im so conflicted! I like my job but I dont like my life being a working mom. Its not working out the way I imagined it would before I had LO. I working 40 hours a week midnight shift, with a 45 min commute each way. Before LO, the plan was for me to sleep during the day while he was with a babysitter, then we would all be together (me, DH and LO) in the afternoon/evening as a family before I left for work. But after my leave ended, I couldnt bear to be away from LO all day, so now I stay up with him during the day and my mom gets him in the afternoon while I sleep. DH picks him up late afternoon and cares for him while I sleep. I get up and get ready for work and leave. We have no time as a family, and it feels like we are both single parents. Im always tired, tired during the day with LO, tired at work, tired on the weekends. I dont cook anymore because Im sleeping, so I pretty much eat cereal or instant oatmeal since its quick. I still think this work schedule of mids will work out once LO is in school because I can go back to sleeping during the day. But thats 5 years away, and these early years is time I will never get back. Is this really how I want to spend them? I spoke to DH about the possibility of me quitting to stay home. I think he would be on board with it but I know he would rather me keep working. I make quite a bit more than him and my job has a high salary with excellent benefits. We already live below our means, but it would be a big income loss and would require serious budgeting and some cutting back. We have dreams/plans of building a bigger house next year, which wouldnt be able to happen without my salary. We wont be able to go on out of country vacations anymore. But I am okay with these sacrifices because I want to enjoy everyday with my family, not just a few weeks out of the year for vacations. Im afraid if my DH is okay with me quitting, he might be resentful of these things we have dreamed about and worked towards that we wont be able to have. Im also worried aboit being able to get another job in the future once LO is older. My job now comes with a lot of vacation time and a pension. I probably wont be able to find another comparable job in the future. I dont know what the right decision is and Im afraid to talk to my dh about it. Im afraid he will be against it or either resentment will build. And Im afraid he will be against it even knowing how unhappy I am right now. I can drop down to PT here on the weekends, but I would lose all my benefits. So I can still bring in some money, but not nearly the amount I am now. I dont expect anyone here to give me an answer, I just dont have anyone to talk to about this. Has anyone gone through this before? Any SAHMs want to share your own experiences? How did you decide and do you regret your decision? I am not happy with our life this way.

momofmanyinthemitten

I have always wanted to be a SAHM. It was important to me to be able to be there for my children 24/7, as my mother was for me. I read an article recently that asked kids what their favorite memories off childhood were and big vacations were not high on the list. If it were me, I'd much rather live frugally for a few years until LO is in school and then go back to work, if need be. Is it possible to go down to pt now and resume at your current level in the future? Also, if you're feeling a strain on your relationship with your husband, chances are that he's also unhappy with the current state. Perhaps ask him if he has any suggestions to make things easier. 

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt

I quit my job to be a SAHM when DD was born.  It was always "the plan" for me to stay at home and DH has always been super supportive.  However, it's quite different than I imagined, some of the days are really long, probably because she is a 4 month old and there's only so much we are able to do together right now.  

I do miss my co-workers, paycheck and benefits BUT I do love not having to send DD to day care and being there to see all her milestones!  My former co-workers, two of them women in their late 50s with grown kids told me they would have loved to be able to stay home with their kids when they were young.

Even though there are some hard days it is worth it to be home with DD, like you said you can't get these days back.  I am very thankful too that DH has a very good career and income. My mom stayed home with me and my parents were very frugal living on one salary, but they made it work.  We didn't get the fanciest things growing up or go on international vacations but I do have great memories of being home with my mom!

Good luck with your decision!

runningwild

That's so tough. I can see why you're struggling with this. 

I am a SAHM. I kind of always thought I would want to before we had kids. But the decision was made for me when I was about 6 months pregnant with my first. I was laid off from my job, which was pretty hard at the time because I made more money than DH.

Somehow we made it work financially. There have been really tough times and I had a couple part time jobs off/on to help make ends meet. We've sacrificed some things that we really wanted (like building a house). But it's worth it to us for me to be at home with our girls and not have them in day care. 8 years later we're finally in a position where we're getting to build our house. 

Didn't mean to give you my whole life story. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. 

I think you should have a serious sit down conversation with your DH. Communication has been so important for us making it work. Good luck with your decision. Keep us posted

Sarcasm101

I could never be a SAHM, I love my kids but I would go nuts! So here some things to consider/ questions to ask from a working mom. 

A couple of questions: If you quit, what is the likelihood of you being able to get your job back(at the same level) in 5 years? What happens to your pension if you go to PT? If you come back in 5 years, would your company bridge your benefits or would you have to start over with your pension? Is there any chance you could switch to a different shift? Will you have more kids, that might prevent you from going back to work in 5 years?

Before you do anything, I would keep talking with your H. Talk about what you want your future to look like. How important is international travel or a bigger house? What about your savings goals? With one salary would you be able to save for an emergency fund, retirement, LO college fund, etc? 

FWIW, with my first LO it was very hard to go back to work. But after a month or two we found our rhythm. Things were definitely different. I also cook less and it takes longer for chores to get done. But its our new normal and we had to accept some change. 

Missingchampagne

I work from home and I feel it gives me a perfect balance of being mentally active, financially contributing to the household, and being here all the time for my son. If you left one job, nothing will stop you from taking another that offers you the possibility of a remote office. 

sarahufl

I always knew I would be a SAHM. It is what my mom did and it was never really a question for me. We are fortunate that H makes a good salary, so giving up mine wasn't an issue for us. I get that staying at home isn't for everyone and I certainly don't judge people who have (or choose) to work. But I do know that my staying at home makes life better for me, for DD, and for H.

I cook, clean, do errands during the day so we can do family stuff on weekends. I am able to take DD places every day (yoga, the library, play dates) and really hang out with her. She is also incredibly chill and easygoing, so being home with her doesn't feel like a burden to me. It certainly isn't glamorous and there are days where I am covered in poop and spit up and look at my master's degree hanging on the wall and wonder what I am doing, but I honestly wouldn't give it up for anything.

One thing that concerns me about your post is how you talk about your H resenting you. For us, we talked a lot before I even got pregnant about what our life would look like and continue to check in with each other regularly to make sure our situation works (for ALL THREE OF US). While H physically goes to work every day, I certainly do a ton of work at home, it just looks different. And we both regularly thank each other for the sacrifices that we are both making to guarantee that DD is happy and well cared for.

Cwyatt2571

I'll put it bluntly. I missed many milestones with my daughter because staying home wasn't an option. I paid someone else to enjoy my baby's milestones. And now I stay home with my son and I wouldn't have it any other way! Your baby's are only baby's for a little while and if you have the chance to enjoy it you should!! Yes it's "hard" at times and yes you may "go nuts" at times but coming from a mom who's done both. I wouldn't trade staying home for the world!! My mom had 5 kids and tells me all the time how much she wishes she could have stayed home.  She missed my first word and my first laugh. As I did with my first LO. My best friend has to work and has missed so much with her LO.  Like I said, it goes by fast and if you have the chance to be there, you should, you won't regret it

loveymay

Unfortunately if I switch to PT, I lose my benefits and idk if I would be able to come back FT. I worked PT weekends for 2 years (in addition to a full time job during the week) waiting for a FT spot to open up. I had to apply for it and go through the hiring process all over again. I would like to have another child, but Im not sure how much more difficult it may be with a baby and a toddler.  Also if Im not working, we may not be able to afford another child. 

Ive been back to work from maternity leave almost 2 months now.  I wonder if it will eventually get better? It seems like my choices are sacrifice time with LO, sacrifice time with DH, or quit my job. I would love to stay home, Im just scared of losing our current financial stability. Even though we could make it work, I worry about the unknown and not having a second income as a safety net. And I know DH would support my decision if we decided itbwas best for our family, but I dont want him to secretly resent me or our situation because we would have to change our lifestyle. Does that make sense? I dont know that he would ever feel that way, but I worry he might.

 I read somewhere not to make any big decisions in the first year after a baby is born. LO is 4 months old and we've had a lot of adjustments in those 4 months. I think I will give myself more time to adjust and also talk to DH to brainstorm some ways tthat can make our lives a little easier right now. I am lucky in that I get 6 hours a day with LO (one of the main reasons I chose this shiftwork job). If I didnt have to sleep, I would truly have it all!  

Thanks for the responses!

Sarcasm101

loveymay said:

Unfortunately if I switch to PT, I lose my benefits and idk if I would be able to come back FT. I worked PT weekends for 2 years (in addition to a full time job during the week) waiting for a FT spot to open up. I had to apply for it and go through the hiring process all over again. I would like to have another child, but Im not sure how much more difficult it may be with a baby and a toddler.  Also if Im not working, we may not be able to afford another child. 

Ive been back to work from maternity leave almost 2 months now.  I wonder if it will eventually get better? It seems like my choices are sacrifice time with LO, sacrifice time with DH, or quit my job. I would love to stay home, Im just scared of losing our current financial stability. Even though we could make it work, I worry about the unknown and not having a second income as a safety net. And I know DH would support my decision if we decided itbwas best for our family, but I dont want him to secretly resent me or our situation because we would have to change our lifestyle. Does that make sense? I dont know that he would ever feel that way, but I worry he might.

 I read somewhere not to make any big decisions in the first year after a baby is born. LO is 4 months old and we've had a lot of adjustments in those 4 months. I think I will give myself more time to adjust and also talk to DH to brainstorm some ways tthat can make our lives a little easier right now. I am lucky in that I get 6 hours a day with LO (one of the main reasons I chose this shiftwork job). If I didnt have to sleep, I would truly have it all!  

Thanks for the responses!

I will say that for me, it took longer than 2 months for me and my family to find our new routine. I would say it was closer to 6 months after I returned to work. I learned to value and maximize my time with LO more. I am not overly concerned about missing milestones. DS1 walked for the first time with our nanny. It sucked. But it didn't take away how special it was when I was DS1 walk for the first time. 

I would suggest continuing to work while you figure all the logistics out. Because once you quit, you might not be able to go back. 

And there are more benefits to a working parent than just an extra income. I think kids with working moms tends to be more independent. I am a role model for my kids, they see me working hard and achieving every day (even if they don't really understand it yet.) My job gives me a sense of identity, so I feel like more than "just a mom."

There is no right answer. But keep talking with your H so that you can work through as many as these topics before they actually become real issues. 

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt

Right now you could also try changing your budget to just live on one income (while you are still working) to see what life would be like (and just put your income in a savings account).  That would give you a good picture of what life would be like if you do quit your job.  That's what we did prior to me quitting my job.

linzoirv

Talk with your H; you've already weighed the pros and cons. At this point, you want to make sure that the both of you are in agreement and vow to not hang the decision over your heads for the next "x" amount of years...whatever that decision may be.

I also agree with @UnbreakableKimmySchmidt; live off of one income for atleast 4-6 months before making a decision if possible. 

I had a brief moment of wanting to be a SAHM but my H and I both knew that going back to work was the best choice. For us, my job provides the financial support (of course.) But, it also gives me balance in my life that I desperately need.