In Need of Advice, Comfort, Booze, Whatever You Have to Offer... (Loss Mentioned)

joneser1281

Hi,

So I am fairly new to the IF boards (and all boards for that matter), but have already been talking to some of you fabulously supportive ladies pretty regularly.  I am thankful to have found your support during this difficult IF journey, and especially right now.  Some of you know, I am currently going through a MC after my first IVF cycle.  It may even be considered a chemical pregnancy, I'm not sure.  I'll get some answers hopefully on Wednesday when I talk with my RE.  I realize this may be a discussion better suited for the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board... But I reached out there twice and heard... Crickets... Crickets... Crickets.  Haha, for whatever reason.  So I'm still not feeling any better about things, so I thought I'd reach out to you guys, who have been very helpful and supportive of me thus far.  If any of you have suffered a MC, through IVF or otherwise, how long can I expect bleeding to last?  I couldn't have been more than 4 -5 weeks, tops.  I have been bleeding nonstop for a week now!  I'm just finding it very difficult to be positive and to move on with life when I feel like I'm chained to the house... Or need a diaper to leave!  My levels dropped from 900s to 100s in three days... I was in the 100s on Friday.  I guess maybe the worst of the bleeding has passed, but it's still not really letting up.  Nights are miserable, despite wearing the heaviest of pads.  How many pairs of underwear, sheets, etc. are going to be ruined in this process?  I am just physically and emotionally exhausted... I feel like I can't even work out, which is what always helps me to feel better.  I'm tired of crying... and not having success... and tired of having some success and then losing it... Definitely tired of the bleeding... I don't need any reminders as to what I've been through, so the sooner it stops the better off I'll be.  Does anyone have any stories or experiences to share?  I'd really appreciate it!

IowaLove89

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. My first Chemical was at about that time, but it wasn't through IVF and my betas never got that high. With that being said, i only bled about a week. Hopefully yours will slow down and stop soon!

Also, with my first I was told I had to wear a pad (which made it a bit harder for me.) As soon as the heavy bleeding was over, I switched to a menstrual cup (sanitized in boiling water first.) Although the cramps were there, not feeling the pad did make it a bit easier to start healing. 

Sending T&P. 

joneser1281

@IowaLove89 Thanks so much... I had a chemical PG four years ago for sure... I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing now is that or a MC.  I guess I'll find out this week.  I'm hoping it's slowing down.  With my chemical, I was told that bleeding was also my period.  I am wondering if this is also that?  I don't know... I am just ready for it to be over.  Yeah, I'm not a pad girl... The minute AF comes to town, it's tampons all the way for me because I can't stand the mess or discomfort.  No doubt that's also adding to my annoyance.  I can't say I know anything about menstrual cups?

IowaLove89

@joneser1281 menstrual cups are AMAZING!!! I have an inexpensive one with high reviews from Amazon, but I have a friend that loves the Diva Cup. Even on heavy flow days, I only have to dump it once or twice a day (I usually do 3 the first day, though.) I'm a teacher, so not having to find time to go to the bathroom to change it a huge plus. Also, as long as it's suctioned in there, there are no leaks. TMI, but I've even gone to bed without pants on while bleeding. They are just that awesome. When I have a tampon in, I can feel it- especially as it fills, but not the cup. Also, there aren't the concerns with TSS with th cup. 

joneser1281

@IowaLove89 This blows my mind!  Haha.  I always feel like these gadgets would never work for me.  I teach too though, so that would be awesome.  Maybe I'll look into it sometime.

katymarie101

I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I hope it gets better soon.

babylonghorn16

@joneser1281 hi again! Just letting you know I'm thinking abt you and so sorry you are going through this right now. IF can be so cruel and shitty. I'm glad you're getting support on this forum. A lot of the ladies on here have unfortunately experienced what you're going through. I would imagine that your bleeding I probably your period as well. So hopefully it'll be over soon. I hope you continue your journey and keep posting! Would love to hear abt your happy ending!! Lots of love, girlfran!

BornReady

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks in November, but baby only measured a little over 6 weeks (betas were 12k). I bled for a little over a week, stopped for 23 days and then bled again for a little over a week after passing more tissue. After that, things settled down into a more "normal" routine cycle wise. I actually found that walking/exercise helped me a lot and I took my dog on walks to just get out of the house. My doctor actually told me to get out and get walking to move the process along blood flow wise after I started to miscarry.

Sorry the miscarriage board was a bust. I hang out on the TTCAL board and there are a great group of women there and we do a trouble TTCAL (IVF, IUI, etc) check-in. Definitely join on in if you're interested.

kdanjou

I just want to offer my condolences again and my support.  I went through a missed MC with my first pregnancy (lost around 7 weeks but not discovered until 12 weeks).  I had a D&C for it and I remember bleeding for about a week I think.  It was extra hard because I had thought I was through first tri and then they couldn't find a heartbeat.  I know it's not the same as your situation but hang in there.  I think going for walks is always a good idea if your doctor says it's ok.  After my MC I actually booked a weekend trip to Las Vegas with my hubby to get our minds off the loss.  It helped a lot to do something fun and unrelated to baby-making.  (This was back when I was still working and had some extra cash.) 

Isthisthereallife

Hi @joneser1281, I'm sorry you're going through this. I have no insight to offer but you're in my T&P! I hope the bleeding stops soon.

mini-murph

@joneser1281 you're in my T&P, I'm so sorry 

OSUBeth61910

@joneser1281  I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Thoughts & Prayers to you and your DH.

bells52000

So Sorry @joneser1281 You are so supportive to others.  Wish I had some great words of wisdom for you.  This just stinks.  Hope you feel better soon!

joneser1281

@katymarie101 @babylonghorn16 @BornReady @kdanjou @Isthisthereallife @LuluMurph @OSUBeth61910 @bells52000 , Thank you so much ladies for the well wishes and/or advice!  I really appreciate it!  It was really nice to see so many comments upon logging on today.

@BornReady I'm sorry to hear that you've had loss as well.  I will have to check out the boards you mentioned... Thank you!

@kdanjou I'm sorry for your loss as well.  Vegas would be awesome!  That was a great idea... Too bad I head back to work next week and we are IF poor now, haha.

AFM, today is better than yesterday I guess because I kept busy.  Yesterday I was an emotional mess from start to finish.  I'd been keeping my head up pretty well... Saturday I went to a family function... A pig roast... in the middle of the woods haha.  I'm thinking... Hmmm... I'm having a MC in the middle of the woods and there's only a port a john here... What am I thinking?!  But at least it got me out of the house, haha.  Yesterday though I think I just cracked.  I lashed out at my mom because she told me to stop being so mad about everything all the time.  I said, "I am mad about everything!  I hate my life!  I hate my job!  I hate that I'll probably never have a family!  I have NOTHING to be happy about!"  Not true on pretty much all accounts, but I was very emotional.  Then she tried to tell me that she understood and I said, "No... You don't understand.  You can feel bad for me... You can empathize, sympathize, whatever... But until you've been in my shoes and felt this pain, you don't understand."

I was telling my BFF that I just don't feel like the same person I was years ago.  I'm not as fun as I used to be... I don't have fun like I used to.  Even if the baby stuff isn't directly on my mind, it's like I still never feel truly happy because I always feel like something is missing from my life.  I just don't understand why this is happening to us.  No one on either side of our families has had this kind of trouble TTC.  I know it's possible something will work if we just keep trying... But sometimes I wonder, at what cost?  Our marriage, because we are putting ourselves into debt with something that's not even guaranteed to work?  DH sometimes doesn't have as much faith in the processes as me.  But I know he wants it just as much.  He just doesn't like spending the money on it.

It also doesn't help that one of my close friends is AGAIN PG on the very first try.  This will be her third child because she wants a boy.  Don't even get me started on the whole "we're trying again because we want a boy/girl" subject.  I see red on that!  How about don't look a baby gift horse in the mouth and be happy with what you get?!  We've been TTC since before she had her first child.  It's very difficult to see her oldest daughter because we should have a child that same age, but that's when I had the chemical.  I feel like it will be more of the same when she has this baby.  I'll always think I should've been having a baby that age too.  I was just so inconsolable yesterday.  I get upset too because my close gfs get together and have their kids play together.  Well I don't get to be a part of that.  My mom and brothers are obsessed with a friend of mine's kids and I feel bad because I know it's because I don't have kids for them to fuss over.  All of this was just falling on my head yesterday.

Today I did some yoga... My first physical activity in more than a week because I stopped everything once my bleeding started.  Then I headed into work.  I don't go back until next week, but I wanted to get some stuff done.  I was happy last night my bleeding seemed to be dwindling, but today it's back on.  Today I actually feel my usual period symptoms.  I often get uncomfortable digestive issues... Pains high in my stomach, stabbing pains in my rectal area, constipation, bad cramps.  Maybe this is now my regular period?  I've often wondered if these symptoms have something to do with me never getting/staying PG.  My obgyn says no... My RE said she doesn't think so either.  When I told her I haven't always experienced these symptoms, only the last several years and not with every single period, she said it's not uncommon for our bodies to change as we get older and for different things to happen during menstruation.  She said it's probably just my hormones sometimes slowing down my digestion during that time of the month.  As much as I hope she's right (she's the expert right, not my google searching lol), it would be nice to have an answer or reason as to why we're not having luck.

JamieH2000

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is, but your words just struck me. I appreciate the honesty and while I haven't had a loss, I had similar feelings about life not being fair and not being able to feel happy anymore this weekend when my first IVF was cancelled due to low response. I realize that doesn't compare obviously to going thru a loss, but I hit the bottom of what if this never happens for us and how could I keep going through this. Know you aren't alone and that so many are praying and rooting for you. I never thought this would be my journey but I really hope that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. If you can get through this, you can do anything. Thinking of you and hoping things start to get better soon. 

joneser1281

@JamieH2000 Thank you so much!  Hopefully my honesty didn't have me coming across as a toddler having a temper tantrum, haha.  I feel a little embarrassed about it today, thinking about the stuff I was saying to my mom and BFF.  But I was being honest in that moment.  I'm sorry your IVF was cancelled... That has to be tough.  There's so much anticipation with everything and then not even having the chance must be such a letdown.  It's funny you mentioned it not comparing to a loss... I sometimes wonder which would've been worse for me... This IVF cycle not working at all, or us getting the BFP like we did and then losing it.  Neither is easy... The loss is awful, but at least I feel like something kind of worked, right?

I often think the same as you... What if this never happens for us?  Which is when I get scolded by friends and family who say I need to believe and never give up.  I wish there weren't so many of us going through IF struggles, but I am glad to not be alone.  I never thought this would be DH and I either.  I always say that I cursed us... Our original plan was to be married for two years and then begin trying.  Well I was the one who pushed it back a year.  I was enjoying us just doing things together... We had recently bought our house and still had a lot of fixing up to do on it.  I just didn't want to worry about a baby at that time.  So I pushed things back a year and even joked that it probably won't be easy for us now because I pushed things back and was pretty anti-kids for a while.  And now look at us!  I feel like any future advice I have to newlyweds is to stop preventing ASAP!  You never know how long it's going to take!  However, if you're not yet ready for kids, you can't make yourself be ready, I understand that.  Thank you for reaching out to me today... I hope things get better for both of us soon. 

Bababatty

@joneser1281 I'm so sorry for your loss!  I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.  I also wanted to jump in and say that I don't think what you said yesterday makes you sound like a toddler.  I think people who haven't gone through IF or had a loss truly can't understand the frustration and just how emotional it can make you, although they can be very supportive.  So maybe we come across as having a temper tantrum to them, but it doesn't make our feelings any less real or any less valid. I hope things get better for your soon!

Kp214

I had a cp in December/January. I bled for a couple of weeks, not all of it heavy. My betas were slow to fall.  I pray that's not the case for you. I was getting blood drawn locally so often that one of the technicians asked what I was being tested for. I told her I was having a never ending miscarriage. At least, it felt that way. I know it is hard. It makes you angry and then numb and back to angry. Take all the time you need. 

If if it makes you feel any better, I was irrationally crazy this weekend. At the time, I told my husband I was ready to leave the marriage because I wanted all the hurting to stop (he's not emotionally or physically abusive). I just am tired of the supplements and felt overwhelmed, afraid that I can't be a good wife, mom, lecturer, etc.  all at the same time. It's ok. As long as those closest to you know, they will still love you as you go through this. Hugs to you. 

JamieH2000

Well I didn't think it sounded like a temper tantrum at all... It was just a moment of utter despair and I think I  said some of those same things to my mom too :0) ya I'm not sure what is really worse... Not getting to try at all or having a loss.. You are right that at least something is working and were able to get pregnant! I think you should def keep hope in that!! Unfortunatly it just wasn't the right embryo. Will you try again? I feel like saying of course we will never give them up but unfortunatly there are financial considerations in this horrible situation. DH and I had a hard conversation about what we would do if we couldn't get this to work.. And it was terrifying but at least I know we have a plan and he will be there for me no matter what. Obvioualy I want my own biological kids... But in the end, I know I could love children that aren't.
It's funny how you talk about cursing yourself! I wonder that too.... My DH and I were highschool sweethearts and got married at 25. Always planned to wait until 30, but at 27 started getting the kid itch and everyone in our lives started having kids. So 2 months before I turned 28 we started trying. Now over a year later and here we are. Glad we didn't wait any longer... But wonder if things would have been easier if we tried earlier, especially since I have DOR.  Life is just really not fair... But I still have lots of hope for both of us! When we become mothers...nothing will phase us after this journey!

joneser1281

@Bababatty Thank you!  Exactly... Unless you've lived it, you just don't get it.  And the thing is... I know I wouldn't get it if I wasn't going through it.  There's so much I would have never even thought about... I would have never known just how bad it can be for some women until I became one of those women.  I'm always a little ashamed that I'm not more open about our struggles with people.  Sometimes I think we should all be shouting it from the rooftops as often as we can so we don't ever have to feel ashamed to talk about IF and so that people can begin to understand and learn not to say jackass things to us, haha.  I think for me it's mostly been a pride thing.  I don't like making myself vulnerable in any aspect of life really... I don't want people to pity me or feel sorry for me.  I don't want the pity of those women with 3 children each who don't know what IF is like to give me those sad looks like poor you.  Ugh!  It also just feels so personal to me.  I'm a private person on the whole, so I just feel like most of the time it's no one's business about when I'm having kids.

@Kp214  I am so sorry for your loss.    I am hoping my beta is down this Friday.  I am optimistic because I went from 900s to 100s in three days, so hopefully given a week I'll be back to normal.  I think my bleeding has subsided for the most part at the moment.  I'm hoping it's done.  I loved you saying "I'm having a neverending MC."  That sure is what it feels like!  It does help to know that I wasn't alone this weekend in feeling down and irrational.  Sending good thoughts to you too... We can do this!

@JamieH2000 Thank you... I know, our poor mothers haha.  My mom is honestly the best.  I don't know what I would do without her.  I feel bad that I sometimes hit her the hardest with my emotions and frustrations.  I just feel awful that every time we have a letdown, it's like I'm letting her down too.  I know she wants grandchildren in the worst way and I can hear the sadness in her voice, even when she's trying to pump me up and make me feel better.  That shreds me more than just our own constant disappointments, is that I'm disappointing her too.  We are planning to try again, with a FET as soon as we can.  I'll talk to my RE on Wednesday to see what she thinks about the MC and what should be next.  I will admit, the more I've read about many of the ladies here doing the PGS, I'm worrying we made a poor decision by not doing it.  Being that there's the potential for me to suffer through 7 more MCs if none of the embryos are healthy enough.  If we wouldn't have luck this next time, like you mentioned, we'd probably have to pump the brakes for a while due to finances.  I'd do IVF all day everyday if it didn't break the bank!  I'm glad you and your DH have thought out a plan.  And you were smart not to wait longer to have kids!  I guess when we're dealing with IF though, we always coulda woulda shoulda.  I hope things improve for both of us soon. 

gatorlorit

@joneser1281 i'm so sorry you're going through this.  this is such a horrible, yucky roller coaster, and it just sucks.  And I red your words and think it's amazing how many of them are my exact thoughts. I have been particularly feeling like I'm not the same fun person. A girl friend just had a boy, and I am not emotionally able to go see him right now..and  I hate being this person who isn't happy for others. But two failed FET this year has kicked my ass, and I'm feeling lost on the next steps to make my DH and I parents.  If sucks. 

JamieH2000

That is great you still have 7 embryos!! You will def get one (or more) to stick! My RE told me that you can PGS test later.. They just have to thaw and then biopsy and refreezw so it's just a little extra risk to freeze twice. With 7 left it may be worth considering to not have to go through this again. Thanks for the positive thoughts! I'll be rooting for you as we both start this journey again in the next month or two.

MrsMcMilkshakes

I'm so sorry for your loss There are no words, but hugs to you!

Kp214

I hope your numbers fall quickly. I know you just want it over.  You can do this. Hang in there. 

sasha29-2

I don't have much to add except that I'm so sorry for what you're going through... 

Elyse1384

@joneser1281 - For starters let me say that I’m sorry for what you’re going through and don’t ever feel badly for expressing that here.  You’re in the right spot as while our individual journeys might take different paths, we are can understand your feelings as we share the same destination.  You have every right to feel the way you do.  That said, please don’t get down on yourself for not doing PGS.  You have a good number of frozen embryos and time will tell, but sadly I know that unknown is scary and worrisome.  DH and I didn't do PGS and I’m always open to sharing our IVF experience via PM if you’re interested.  I don’t want to share out of the gate given all that you and others are going through here, but believe me when I say you shouldn't be upset with yourself for not doing PGS.  As others have said, you can do it after the fact or just keep going with FET as finances allow.  7 is a great number of frozen embryos and I pray your next embryo will stick for you!

joneser1281

Wow, you girls really are the best... It's so nice to keep hearing from everyone.  I so appreciate your thoughtfulness and definitely your input and stories!

@gatorlorit Thank you... and I totally feel you on the struggle to be happy for others.  I've kind of been avoiding my friend who is recently PG with her third (I mentioned her previously in this post).  I feel really guilty about it because she doesn't think that I know, but another friend told me on the sly (because I've made it very clear that it's much easier for me to get a heads up on announcements if possible... So I can have an appropriate pleasant reaction and not flip double middle fingers lol) and since then I've had a few opportunities to get together with her, but have kind of made excuses.  I should just get it over with and let her tell me, but I've just so not been in the mood lately.  I'm sorry your FETs didn't work... That totally sucks.  I hope you and your DH get some good news soon, however you decide to proceed.

@JamieH2000 Thank you!  I appreciate your good vibes and positivity about at least one of the 7 frosties working... From your lips to God's ears!  Thanks also for the info on PGS... I didn't realize it was still possible to test.  Did I see in your stats you are doing IUI today?  Sending good thoughts your way! 

@MrsMcMilkshakes Thank you!

@Kp214 Thank you!  I hope so too... 3 more days until I find out!

@Sasha29 Thank you for your kind words!

@Elyse1384 Thank you so much... I am realizing each day as I log in and hear from all of you just how lucky I am to have found the right place for me on this journey.  I have wonderful friends, but it's not the same as having women to talk to who are going through or have been through what I am going through in this moment.  Please do share your story with me!  If you don't want to share on this post, please PM me.  I am hearing that we can still do PGS, which I did not realize.  As much as I don't want to worry about going through 7 more MCs, the testing is another expense... On top of the roughly 15k we've already spent... And the fact that a refreeze would be necessary also adds on wait time and I really don't want to wait... At least not for the next transfer.  I guess it gives us something to think about.  I've heard of several people I know having success with FET after a failed fresh cycle, so that gives me hope!

gatorlorit

@joneser1281 I have  been reading tons of different threads, and this one speaks so much to me.  I hate that we are both being dealt shit sandwiches (my friend Rachael says that, and Ilove it), but love having a community of people I can relate to.

Just my two cents-  I'm older than you (37).  I didn't do PGS, and transferred two awesomely rated embryos both times. The first time my beta was 4, the second time it was 11.   They sent off bloodwork from my DH and I after the second time to have a karyotype done to see if there is a chromosomal issue that can explain why it keeps happening.  I was told that if we had done PGS, we might have known ahead of time that they were going to fail, and not had them transferred.  So I think our course of action now is to go back and do another retrieval and have PGS done on them all.  I hate waiting, but I hate disappointment even more

suchaglencoco

Tw- loss mentioned, bfp, children mentioned

@joneser1281, I experienced so many of the same thoughts and feelings as you have (I'm sure that's true for most of us). I'm so sorry for your loss and countless struggles. Infertility is a terrible road to travel. I want to share with you my journey and maybe give you some hope.


We got pregnant after a few months of ttc and then immediately had a mc, it was horrendous. My bleeding was over a week long and terrible. 
We then couldn't get pregnant again on our own, with clomid, or with iuis, so we finally had to do ivf. Our first try we were blessed with an embryo that split. We got to hear both heartbeats and we're ecstatic, but our doctor told us to be cautious and warned they may not have split correctly. Unfortunately, she was right and the next week we had no heartbeats. We were devestated. My bleeding that time was more minimal as the doctor inserted some pills to help move my Mc along. 
The worst part about this loss was the length of time it took my body to recover and get another period. It took about 3 months before they said I was OK to start my fet medications. We used those months to reconnect as husband and wife. We didn't talk about ivf or babies or injections. It was actually very nice. 
During the beginning of the fet process, they found cysts and remnants of my Mc still inside so I had to have surgery to clean my lining up. We just added it to the list of hard things we needed to do just so we could have a child, something that came so easily to those around us. It took from Thanksgiving to the middle of April to reset and do our fet actual transfer. We went in very pessimistic. Got the bfp, remained pessimistic. Heard 2 heartbeats again, remained pessimistic. But then something happened, something amazing. It was finally our turn to have a happy ending. 
Now, we have 2 beautiful, 8 month old children. All of the pain, hurt and heartache was completely worth it. We still think about the losses of our 3 other babies, but without those losses, we wouldn't have these 2 amazing kids.

I know it's hard and emotional. But I truly do suggest kind of forgetting about the infertility for awhile and try to have some fun again in the next few weeks. I think that it helped our relationship a lot to rekindle and refind ourselves. I know it sounds cheesy, but we believe our infertility helped us grow as a couple and have a very strong marriage. We've been through a terrible and tough battle and come out the other side still happy to be with each other.

joneser1281

@gatorlorit I hate these shit sandwiches too!  That is funny, haha.  I'm sorry for your loss... I've never heard of the karyotype testing you mentioned.  What did you find out from that?  I guess it really is just a personal decision about PGS.  It sure seems like it can save a lot of heartache... But there's still a possibility that tested embryos that are normal can still not work out.  Why can't we ever be sure about anything we do with IF?!

@suchaglencoco Thank you for your kind words.  I am sorry for your losses and so happy that you finally had some success!  I definitely appreciate hearing stories like yours that have happy endings after the heartache.  I hope to tell the same kind of story someday. 

AFM, I am getting along alright I suppose.  Hearing from all of you each day definitely helps!  I've kept busy the last two days getting stuff ready for work (I start back next week).  Today is a little bit of a lazy day around the house, but I hope to get some cleaning done.  I also wanted to be at home today because my RE is supposed to call to talk about our failed cycle and what's next.  I'm hoping she'll think it's fine to head into a FET.  We probably will not end up doing the PGS.  I just think it's going to be too much of an additional cost for us right now.  It may/may not save us heartache, but when I think about the money we'll need to pay alone for the FET and meds... It's just too much to add on.

I have a few fun things planned the next few days, which will hopefully take my mind off things.  I'm heading to a friend's house tonight for a makeup party... Tomorrow I will probably get lunch or go for a drink with a friend or two... I have a bridal (thank God it's not baby!) shower tomorrow evening... I think on Friday DH and I might go to the movies.

The other internal struggle I'm having is about drinking.  In June we went on vaca (I had started the BCPs for IVF).  Well I did not hold back my drinking.  I am by no means a big drinker, but on occasion (and on vaca), I do like to throw them back and have a good time... and let's face it, with all of the IF disappointments, who doesn't need to drink once in a while!  I had a final glass of wine on the 4th of July and that was it because I started my IVF injections July 8th.  Of course I had nothing until this past Saturday (ya know, when I was having the MC in the middle of the woods at the pig roast lol) when I let myself have one beer.  It was like 100 degrees out and I was tired of the questioning looks as to whether or not I was PG from my family because I wasn't drinking.  Maybe I am a bigger drinker than I thought because everyone sure seems to notice if I'm not!

So now I'm debating on what to do.  I obviously want to keep my body as healthy as possible if we're going to FET in the next month or two... But I am definitely craving some drinks after what we've been through.  I sometimes think I am due for a night of fun and maybe having just a little too much... But don't want to feel guilty afterward.  And it makes me mad that I even have to wonder about this when there are millions of people in this world who have conceived healthy children after a drunken night!  Don't get me wrong... I would never even smell alcohol if I thought I was PG (I know you girls aren't judgmental to think that anyway), but what I'm talking about is the time in between being in active treatment... Is it better to stay away, or is it ok to have some fun... preferably with wine or beer.  Lol.  Pumpkin beer is already out and I love it!  DH already bought some and I have held off even sniffing it haha.

babylonghorn16

@joneser1281 after my failed fresh transfer in May, my RE wanted me to take a month off to get back to normal. No meds, no appts, just me and DH living our lives. It was really nice. I enjoy the occasional drink and probably went a little overboard a couple of times during that month. Once injections started, I limited to a glass of wine or two once a week. A week before transfer I cut alcohol completely. Probably best to cut earlier than I did, but I had the same thought process as you: other women have a drunken night and end up pregnant!! I think it's important to let your hair down every now and then. My RE and nurse said alcohol consumption shouldn't affect as long as I cut out after transfer. I would ask your RE/nurse just to be sure. GL!! I hope you can find a time to relax with at least ONE glass!!

gatorlorit

@joneser1281 so karyotyping is where the literally map the genes to see if there are any deletions, genes swapping places, and such.  I've never heard anyone else mention it, but my doctor suggested it after the second CP.   She's very thorough, and I can appreciate that.   We had the bloodwork sent out  last week, and it should take 3-4 weeks for the results.   If it doesn't find anything, we're supposed to go through another round of retrieval and do PGS.   It feels like so much of this is waiting and seeing and trying to rule stuff out and not getting definitive answers!

By the way, I'm a big fan of pumpkin beer too   And I agree with @babylonghorn16.  Don't go crazy, but do let yourself have a break from this stress and relax.   And if relaxing involves pumpkin beer, enjoy!

joneser1281

@gatorlorit Wow... I would not even know such a test existed.  You are lucky to have a doctor who's really on top of things.  Yes, the waiting is the hardest part!  I think that's a Tom Petty song... Lol.  I still have not yet touched the pumpkin beer, but I'm sure once it starts getting cooler in the next few weeks, I won't be able to resist!

@babylonghorn16 Thank you!  It sounds like we're all on the same wavelength where the drinks are concerned.  I did have a glass of wine last night at a friend's party, mainly because I was pissed off!  I'll get to that in a sec... Then today I went to lunch with some gfs and had a beer... Basically to celebrate the end of summer... It was Summer Shandy so I figured it was ok haha.

AFM - This is why I was pissed and needed the wine yesterday... So DH and I had really been looking forward to yesterday because our RE was supposed to call and talk about our failed IVF cycle and next steps.  I was told by the nurses that she couldn't give an exact time for her call, but it would be when she had some time between patients... So it was tentatively scheduled for 345, but really it could be anywhere from 830 - 430.  Ok, so kind of annoying that there was no definite time slot, but whatever... DH and I both were able to make sure we were at home so it wasn't really that big of a deal.  I kept busy during the day catching up on cleaning.  So 345 rolls around and I'm on pins and needles.  No call.  At about 420 I see the clinic number come up on my phone... Perfect timing, as by then DH was heading out to visit a friend, but hadn't left yet.  Is it my RE?  No... It's the financial department from the clinic telling us they just finished the audit on our account and realized they didn't yet charge us for the ICSI that was performed during IVF... We weren't charged for it initially because they weren't certain they would do it until the ER day.  Well WTF?!  The RE can't call us to talk about why this failed, but they sure as hell won't miss getting money from us!  I didn't even say anything about that we'd been waiting for the doctor to call because I knew this financial lady wouldn't know anything about it and I assumed she would still call.  Well by 445 I knew they were closed, so I sent a message because they've been known to answer those after hours more so than answering the phone.  No response.

So I head to my friend's that evening for a party, completely jacked.  I mean, I know I'm one of hundreds of patients... But that call on that day was really important to us.  We pay so much money and although I do really love our clinic... Sometimes I just feel unimportant.  I realize they do this all day everyday, so a lot of times nothing fazes them.  But this is like our whole world right now.  Anyhoo, so I drank a glass of wine and bought some makeup at the party to make myself feel better lol.  Ya know, spent more money that I should be saving.   Well then I look at my phone and around 730 I had a missed call from my RE.  It looks as though it was her personal cell.  She left a mssg apologizing that she'd left the office for a PT appt and didn't even tell the nurses she had left.  She was at home and had access to electronic records and was trying to catch up with me.  But since she missed me, she said she'd call me again tomorrow (today).  I guess that was nice of her, but I just wish I'd have known she was going to call later in the evening, I'd have kept an eye on my phone.

So this morning I had a response to my mssg from the nurse about me not getting the original phone call and she said she didn't know what happened, but that she'd touch base with the doctor when she came in and would get back to me.  I wrote back and explained that the doctor had called me later in the eve, but we missed each other.  I also expressed how disappointed I was because I'd really been looking forward to talking with her and that DH and I made sure to be home all day because we really wanted to speak to her.  Today I had a lot of running around to do, with going in to work, a meeting, lunch with friends, and a bridal shower.  I said I hope I don't miss her again.  Well of course I missed her call again!  I was at work and out of the room where my phone was when she called, but she did say to call her back and have the nurses get her, regardless of what she was doing (within reason I guess haha).  So I did call her and was able to reach her.  She apologized again and said she'd had an appt cancellation yesterday and had the opportunity to get to a PT appt.  I asked her if she was injured and she said well sort of...It's from working too much.  So then I kind of felt for her... I'm sure she's incredibly busy and works a lot... She probably doesn't have much time off and seized the opportunity to see her own doctor when she had an appointment canceled.  I'm not sure if she forgot about calling me, or was planning to call me all along later in the evening like she did, but I wasn't as mad anymore... because as wrapped up as I am in our troubles, I realized she's human too.  I know when I'm working, it's difficult to take off, get to a doctor's appointment, etc. so I could understand better where she was coming from.  Sigh!  End rant.  Haha.

Joslynj11

@joneser1281 I have been lurking and following your threads for some time now. I have wanted to jump in so many times but I haven't found IF success yet so sometimes it has been more than hard to be positive. When I read this one though so much of what you and all you ladies have said is what I have been feeling. I too am a very very personal person and I never thought I would be here in the IF community but since joining I feel like I have completely lost my sense of self. I went from being my happy go lucky self to being sad ALL THE TIME. During on first round DH and I we're over the moon with the process and just knew that it was going to work. He was genuinely thrilled and running around work after the ET telling everyone that we were having twins. My co-workers we involved and knew every step of the process and just knew it worked and I was pregnant so when it resulted in a BFN we were crushed. I receded into my shell and went back to keeping things very personal. I cut off my friends and the people who were helping to try support me because I didn't want their pity or them feeling sorry for me and then I stopped believing. Needless to say the second FET I was very hush about everything. No body knows we transferred and nobody knows it failed but I am still that sad person the my co-workers look at with their pity eyes. The young lady that is in our office started trying for a baby after me and didn't try nearly as hard as I have and fell preg in April right before my first transfer was cancelled due to OHSS, we used to be close before while TTC but now that she has moved on and I have too look at her belly grow everyday I find myself sinking lower and lower behind my computer so we can speak less and less. I feel like a complete bitch but she doesn't know or understand my pain so I find it easier not to talk to her at all anymore unless its work related. Its sad. But I am trying to find it in myself to come back up this time with a new spirit. Its a fresh cycle so I am going to try and have a fresh outlook. I started writing myself little motivational post-its and I think I am going to start hanging them around the bathroom at home so that way when I find that I feel like I need to keep to myself and hide I will still have someone there supporting and motivating me to try and believe again even if its just on a post it. I hope and pray you find true success in your next cycle. I hope that for everyone who must go through multiple cycles because I know our pain is getting any easier, and unfortunately as much as we want it too its not just going to go away. We just have to continue to try and take it one day at a time...

Oh and @gatorlorit Shit Sandwiches!! I love it! I feel like I have been eating shit sandwiches for like the past 3 months, its like can someone get some cake or a slice or pizza over here! On top of all of our IF issues life has to shit on us too. Last transfer DH totaled one of our cars the night before we were supposed to be there. Its like come on! Isn't having to deal with IF enough!!

joneser1281

@Joslynj11 Thank you for posting.  I am sorry for your losses.  I totally can understand how you cut yourself off from people... Especially people who have PG success, while you are left in the IF dust!  I've not only had people pass me up with getting PG, I've also had friends in the IF struggle with me who have passed me up.  I am happy of course that they've found success after their struggles, but it is still difficult because I felt sometimes like those confidantes were taken away from me.  We would bitch and complain to each other about not getting PG (there are only a few of those friends that I had/have) and then it was like they were taken away from me.  Not that they wouldn't listen or be there for me if I needed them, but it just wasn't the same.  And especially after years passed and they'd had their children and I was still going though IF, it was like they kind of forgot what it was like at times to be me.  I always tell myself I will make it a point that if I ever am lucky enough to have children, that I will NEVER forget what's it like to be where I am with IF.  I totally understand you saying you feel like a bitch too for feeling how you do... I feel the exact same way sometimes, but you just can't help it sometimes.  Thank you for your kind words and I hope you see success too soon!  I love your post it idea and think it's great you're doing your best to be positive.  That's the hardest part for me!  I hope all goes well for you this next time, but either way, I am here for you to complain to!