Trouble TTC

And I Smile

I use to write a lot of poems *many* years ago.  Nothing amazing and certainly nothing published.  But it was a way for me to express emotion and feel some peace.  I had my first appointment with a specialist today and it wasn't great news, though it wasn't anything uncommon to this board either.  I don't know what we'll do with it, but as people have been asking results of the appointment all day, they've all said some things intended to be encouraging that were, despite their best efforts, still patronizing.  It made me think of the threads we've had about stupid things people say.  And then one friend said the perfect thing "I don't know what to say and I have nothing to offer.  I'm sorry.  But I'm hear if you need me."  And for some reason a little poem diddy happened in my head.  I thought I'd share:
---

And I Smile

  

Across his desk I sit and cling

To any thought but that one thing

Of news that causes me to balk

“You’re doing well” they say, yet shocked

And I smile.

 

For nothing can for this, amend

Not qualified or simply friend

Of hope and loss and grief and pain

“You’ve got it this time! Try again!”

And I smile.

 

My story no one else has lived

Within my mind constantly hid

Of dying slowly deep inside

“But it’s still possible!” they reply

And I smile.

 

The child on arm that screams, red-faced

Or hand-in-hand and just in place

Of parent who past their treasure sees

“You must be glad, you seem so free!”

And I smile.

 

In secret worlds of secret woes

The kind no other soul could know

Of thoughts turned noise and fragile poise

“You’re handling it well” they say, surprised

And I smile.

 

Then finally a true friend’s words

“I have no wisdom you’ve not heard

Of help or comfort I know not

Just know I’m hear if you want to talk.”

And I smile.

~Ziggy
Me:27 (diagnosed anovulatory May 2016)  DH:29 (normal)
Met 2008 | Dated 2010 | Married 2012
TTC#1 since June 2015
June 2016- 50mg generic clomid CDs 5-9 w/TI | 2 follies (14 & 12), thin (2.45) lining | BFN
July 2016- 1mg estradiol CDs 1-7, 50mg generic clomid CDs 5-9 w/TI | 2 follies (14 & 10), thin (~4) lining | BFN
August 2016- 1mg estradiol CDs 1-7, 50mg generic clomid CDs 5-9 w/TI | BFN | Referred to specialist, visited once, was told we have less than a 3% chance even on medication, recommended to IUI for up to a 50% chance, decided not to pursue at this time | Stopped "trying"
October 2016- We became licensed foster parents
November 9, 2016- Arrival of DD#1, 4yo
March 1, 2017- 1 day late, feel like crap (low fever & exhausted) | Mom suggested test before taking meds, I laughed but did it anyway | BFP! *shock*

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Re: And I Smile

  • So beautiful, I teared up reading it :) Thank you for sharing

    Me 34 DH 36 Married since July 2010 
    MFI (High DNA Fragmentation) & Mild endometriosis
    TTC #1 since June 2015 
    Aug 2016 - May 2017  6 IUI's with letrozole - BFN
    April 2017 - laparoscopy to remove mild endo
    June 2017 - Mini IVF letrozole 12.5mg, Gonal-F 75IU - Cancelled early ovulation, no eggs retrieved. 
    Aug/Sept 2017 - Mini IVF letrozole 12.5mg, Gonal-F 75IU, cetrotide - 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature
    5 eggs ICSI'd 6 eggs frozen - 1 day 5 blast transfered, 2 expanded blast frozen - BFP!
    May 2018 - Baby girl born - Our Joy

    TTC #2 since July 2019
    July 2019 - FET - BFN
    Jan 2020 - FET - canceled due to family health issues
    Mar 2020 - FET - low beta - chemical pregnancy
    July 2020 - ICSI'd remaining 6 eggs - 3 fertilized - 2 survived to early blast stage, transfered both - Chemical Pregnancy


  • Thank you for sharing!


    Me: 30 DH: 33

    Married: February 15, 2013

    TCC: October 2013

    MFI- low count/morphology

    May / June 2016- Monitored cycle and TI- BFN

    June / July 2016- Gonal-F + IUI #1- BFN

    August 2016- Gonal-F + IUI #2-

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  • What a wonderful and true poem!  I hope that you can publish it somewhere because it describes how so many of us feel.


    Married for 7 years, TTC for 4 years
    dx:  Diminished Ovarian Reserve
    2 Clomid IUI's + 4 injectable IUI's= 5 BFNs and 1 mc




  • Wonderful poem! Made me tear up.  Thank you for sharing!!
    Me:33, DH:38 Married: 8/2/2014
    TTC #1 Since: April 2015
    Unexplained Infertility

    Cycle 1&2 : Clomid 50mg- BFN
    Cycle 3: Letrozole 2.5mg- BFN
    Cycle 4: Letrozole 5mg- BFN
    Cycle 5: HSG-normal
                  Clomid 100mg+ Estrace- BFN
    Cycle 6: Letrozole 5mg+Trigger shot+IUI+Progestrone- BFN
    Cycle 7: Letrozole 5mg, Cyst found during follicle check
    Cycle 8: Birth control to treat left ovary cyst
    Cycle 9: Letrozole 7.5mg+Trigger shot+IUI+Progesterone- BFN
    Cycle 10: Letrozole 7.5mg, 2 Cysts found during follicle check
    Cycle 11: Clomid 100mg+Estradiol+Trigger shot+IUI+Progesterone- BFN
    Cycle 12: Clomid 100mg- BFN
    Cycle 13-16: Natural attempts while awaiting IVF 
    Cycle 14: IVF-BFN

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