And I Smile
Across his desk I sit and cling
To any thought but that one thing
Of news that causes me to balk
“You’re doing well” they say, yet shocked
And I smile.
For nothing can for this, amend
Not qualified or simply friend
Of hope and loss and grief and pain
“You’ve got it this time! Try again!”
And I smile.
My story no one else has lived
Within my mind constantly hid
Of dying slowly deep inside
“But it’s still possible!” they reply
And I smile.
The child on arm that screams, red-faced
Or hand-in-hand and just in place
Of parent who past their treasure sees
“You must be glad, you seem so free!”
And I smile.
In secret worlds of secret woes
The kind no other soul could know
Of thoughts turned noise and fragile poise
“You’re handling it well” they say, surprised
And I smile.
Then finally a true friend’s words
“I have no wisdom you’ve not heard
Of help or comfort I know not
Just know I’m hear if you want to talk.”
And I smile.
Re: And I Smile
MFI (High DNA Fragmentation) & Mild endometriosis
Aug 2016 - May 2017 6 IUI's with letrozole - BFN
April 2017 - laparoscopy to remove mild endo
June 2017 - Mini IVF letrozole 12.5mg, Gonal-F 75IU - Cancelled early ovulation, no eggs retrieved.
Aug/Sept 2017 - Mini IVF letrozole 12.5mg, Gonal-F 75IU, cetrotide - 13 eggs retrieved, 11 mature
5 eggs ICSI'd 6 eggs frozen - 1 day 5 blast transfered, 2 expanded blast frozen - BFP!
May 2018 - Baby girl born - Our Joy
TTC #2 since July 2019
July 2019 - FET - BFN
Jan 2020 - FET - canceled due to family health issues
Mar 2020 - FET - low beta - chemical pregnancy
July 2020 - ICSI'd remaining 6 eggs - 3 fertilized - 2 survived to early blast stage, transfered both - Chemical Pregnancy
Me: 30 DH: 33
Married: February 15, 2013
TCC: October 2013
MFI- low count/morphology
May / June 2016- Monitored cycle and TI- BFN
June / July 2016- Gonal-F + IUI #1- BFN
August 2016- Gonal-F + IUI #2-
Married for 7 years, TTC for 4 years
dx: Diminished Ovarian Reserve
2 Clomid IUI's + 4 injectable IUI's= 5 BFNs and 1 mc
TTC #1 Since: April 2015
Unexplained Infertility
Cycle 1&2 : Clomid 50mg- BFN
Cycle 3: Letrozole 2.5mg- BFN
Cycle 4: Letrozole 5mg- BFN
Cycle 5: HSG-normal
Clomid 100mg+ Estrace- BFN
Cycle 6: Letrozole 5mg+Trigger shot+IUI+Progestrone- BFN
Cycle 7: Letrozole 5mg, Cyst found during follicle check
Cycle 8: Birth control to treat left ovary cyst
Cycle 9: Letrozole 7.5mg+Trigger shot+IUI+Progesterone- BFN
Cycle 10: Letrozole 7.5mg, 2 Cysts found during follicle check
Cycle 11: Clomid 100mg+Estradiol+Trigger shot+IUI+Progesterone- BFN
Cycle 12: Clomid 100mg- BFN
Cycle 13-16: Natural attempts while awaiting IVF
Cycle 14: IVF-BFN