Couples Counseling

stephanienjer

Has anyone sought couples counseling since their LO was born? 
We have some extenuating circumstances, but having a baby on top of those has certainly added to the stress. I've been told by many people that the first year is BRUTAL for your relationship. My husband and I had our first session today, and a lot came up. A lot.
Is anyone willing to share a bit of their experience with this? No details, just whether you thought it benefitted, didn't help, or harmed your relationship?

BarrettJ89

I'm following to see what is said. We aren't there yet, but in the coming weeks, we are looking into family counseling. We are on the verge of getting full custody of my 9 year old stepdaughter, which means she will be leaving her mom, mom's boyfriend, and her baby sister. There have been so many changes in our life that I think we need that time to blurt it all out and communicate, when we often don't take the time or put forth that effort. We need someone to help put us on the same page when it comes to raising a child who is already set in her ways... and those ways are much different than ours, and how we plan on raising the babies. 

fishee333

I highly recommend couples counseling! We did it when I was pregnant because that seemed to bring a lot up of stuff, and we knew it could just get worse once the baby was born. Counseling definitely helped. We still use a lot of the skills we learned. I think a lot of couples have issues that can be ignored or avoided for the most part, but having a baby amplifies those issues to a point in which they can't always be ignored. Just do your research and find a therapist that specializes in couples and fits your personality! If you don't feel like it's a good fit after the first session, move on and find another therapist that's better. And know it's normal for things to get a lot worse between you and your SO before it gets better. 

JanuarysBaby1

Curious to see what others say as well. My husband and I fight almost every single day about something baby related. Don't get me wrong, our relationship was never perfect and we did bump heads a lot but after the baby was born it has gotten worse. We do try to resolve the issue, which will last for awhile but then it's back to arguing. 

mestokes

I'm in the same boat! I thought it was just us, but it's nice to know we aren't alone, even though I'm sorry y'all are going through it as well. I feel so frustrated and short tempered with my husband all of the time. I work full time nights, do all the cooking, cleaning, and most of the childcare and feel resentful often. Hoping like everything else, it's just a phase and will pass 

mamadcb

We have been going for the past couple of months specifically to talk through whether or not to have a second child. I had never been to counseling prior to this, and it has definitely helped both of us to really understand where the other is coming from. I can't imagine it having anything but a positive effect on a relationship, especially if both of you go willingly with a desire to work things out. 

maureenmce

We haven't had counseling, but we had a big talk last night and have definitely had some issues since LO was born.  Unfortunately, I have to admit they are mostly from my end.    I had pretty intense postpartum anxiety and a really crappy recovery, and I just funneled all of that stress toward my husband, like being really short with him when something was stressing me out or making me anxious, and expecting him to anticipate every worry I would have.  I'm getting better, but I still struggle with being loving and affectionate instead of short tempered and stressed out.

We're working on it, or rather, I am, but I think one of the main problems is that, though we're doing great with managing all of the logistics - we're both back to work, managing day care drop offs and dr appointments, and work stress, and teething, etc. - we have like *no* time to relax and no time to have fun together.  Are you guys dealing with this too?  I mean, I assume everyone is, but I just feel like from sun up to sun down we are on the go and there is never any just reconnecting time, and I think we definitely need to spend some time rebuilding the fun side of our relationship and seeing each other as individuals again, not just mom and dad.

I know the solution would probably be more date nights, but we don't really have the finances for that right now and we don't have family close by.  

jrouge12

@maureenmce Yes! Finding quality time is tough. We've just started sleeping in the same bed again since DD was born. Until we did CIO and fixed the sleep issues we would take turns getting quality sleep. So one of us was on the couch with the monitor and the other in our bedroom. I definitely felt disconnected from DH. Things are getting better. We have time to just chill among other adult things. Even having friends over and getting back to a "social life" has helped. 

l4rk

I connect with SO by making him watch TV with me every night. On the same couch. It sounds silly but just having him in close proximity makes me feel more connected, even though he usually falls asleep. When he sits on the other couch, I badger him until he comes closer. :-)

stephanienjer

My husband and I have some big problems to fix. Like, really big. He was in an accident the same month we conceived, and is still dealing with recovery. The problem is that I am doing 100% of everything. He's not working, or caring for any of the kids, or cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes. I'm also doing all of the getting up at night. On top of that, I take care of him about 60% of the time, and he's got no filter, thanks to the brain injury, so says very hurtful things and explodes all the time. Since I'm obviously on overdrive, have no time for myself, am battling anxiety and depression because of all of this, we are both a mess. The poor counselor's face was really something.
Obviously, we wouldn't be trying if we didn't think we could get back to a good place, but I know it's a long way off still. His behavior is a result of his accident (He was never like this before,) so we're trying to salvage things before we become irreparable, but he's got a lot of manning up to do, and I've got to shake off this resentment.

ChrissyD1203

Good luck, you sound like an extremely strong woman and role model.  My relationship has definately struggled a lot recently and that's without any brain injury.  I'm open to counseling and if things don't improve once we are settled after our upcoming move will be looking into it.  Stay strong!!!! xo @stephanienjer

mrsnc

BarrettJ89 said:

I'm following to see what is said. We aren't there yet, but in the coming weeks, we are looking into family counseling. We are on the verge of getting full custody of my 9 year old stepdaughter, which means she will be leaving her mom, mom's boyfriend, and her baby sister. There have been so many changes in our life that I think we need that time to blurt it all out and communicate, when we often don't take the time or put forth that effort. We need someone to help put us on the same page when it comes to raising a child who is already set in her ways... and those ways are much different than ours, and how we plan on raising the babies. 

We are also in the process of getting custody of my 10 year old stepdaughter. We just started therapy for her, to help her handle the change. Our therapist spends the first half chatting with us about what's going on. For the most part we are on the same page, but it's nice to have a neutral party acknowledge your point of view. Our parenting views are also very different from the ones SD is accustom to. So far the therapist has pushed the point that kids are remarkably resilient.  She spends the other half with SD, giving her a place to vent. We have only gone 3 times but each time we leave I feel a slight pressure off my chest. 

BarrettJ89

mrsnc said:

BarrettJ89 said:

We are also in the process of getting custody of my 10 year old stepdaughter. We just started therapy for her, to help her handle the change. Our therapist spends the first half chatting with us about what's going on. For the most part we are on the same page, but it's nice to have a neutral party acknowledge your point of view. Our parenting views are also very different from the ones SD is accustom to. So far the therapist has pushed the point that kids are remarkably resilient.  She spends the other half with SD, giving her a place to vent. We have only gone 3 times but each time we leave I feel a slight pressure off my chest. 

This makes me feel so much better. We are getting a child who has never heard the word "no." She's never had responsibilities, structure, or consequences... I know it's going to be a hard adjustment for all of us. I also know it's necessary. I'm concerned that because of her being so much older than the babies, she's going to feel like we don't like her because she's obviously got more responsibilities than the 1 year old, or the baby. There are also some big differences in parenting between myself and SO. He's much more laid back and willing to let things slide than I am. With all the chaos, I want to make sure that we don't lose ourselves and our relationship because of the stress and whatnot. 

l4rk

BarrettJ89 said:

mrsnc said:

BarrettJ89 said:

We are also in the process of getting custody of my 10 year old stepdaughter. We just started therapy for her, to help her handle the change. Our therapist spends the first half chatting with us about what's going on. For the most part we are on the same page, but it's nice to have a neutral party acknowledge your point of view. Our parenting views are also very different from the ones SD is accustom to. So far the therapist has pushed the point that kids are remarkably resilient.  She spends the other half with SD, giving her a place to vent. We have only gone 3 times but each time we leave I feel a slight pressure off my chest. 

This makes me feel so much better. We are getting a child who has never heard the word "no." She's never had responsibilities, structure, or consequences... I know it's going to be a hard adjustment for all of us. I also know it's necessary. I'm concerned that because of her being so much older than the babies, she's going to feel like we don't like her because she's obviously got more responsibilities than the 1 year old, or the baby. There are also some big differences in parenting between myself and SO. He's much more laid back and willing to let things slide than I am. With all the chaos, I want to make sure that we don't lose ourselves and our relationship because of the stress and whatnot. 

When I became part of my stepson's life, he was 9 and had also come from a place of no discipline and getting whatever he wanted. It took awhile to navigate everything but kids ultimately want rules and structure because it lets them know what to expect. It wasn't always easy but it's definitely paid off. He now does chores, isn't allowed to play video games between 10 to 6 (his addiction was a big issue before), has stop expecting his dad to buy him everything, and follows our house rules most of the time. I think my stepson isn't fooled and knows that the rules originate from me and not SO, but I've come to accept that as fine as long as he's still following them and SO isn't undermining them. Haha. Anyway, my point is, hang in there, be consistent and it eventually pays off.

mrsnc

l4rk said:

BarrettJ89 said:

mrsnc said:

BarrettJ89 said:

We are also in the process of getting custody of my 10 year old stepdaughter. We just started therapy for her, to help her handle the change. Our therapist spends the first half chatting with us about what's going on. For the most part we are on the same page, but it's nice to have a neutral party acknowledge your point of view. Our parenting views are also very different from the ones SD is accustom to. So far the therapist has pushed the point that kids are remarkably resilient.  She spends the other half with SD, giving her a place to vent. We have only gone 3 times but each time we leave I feel a slight pressure off my chest. 

This makes me feel so much better. We are getting a child who has never heard the word "no." She's never had responsibilities, structure, or consequences... I know it's going to be a hard adjustment for all of us. I also know it's necessary. I'm concerned that because of her being so much older than the babies, she's going to feel like we don't like her because she's obviously got more responsibilities than the 1 year old, or the baby. There are also some big differences in parenting between myself and SO. He's much more laid back and willing to let things slide than I am. With all the chaos, I want to make sure that we don't lose ourselves and our relationship because of the stress and whatnot. 

When I became part of my stepson's life, he was 9 and had also come from a place of no discipline and getting whatever he wanted. It took awhile to navigate everything but kids ultimately want rules and structure because it lets them know what to expect. It wasn't always easy but it's definitely paid off. He now does chores, isn't allowed to play video games between 10 to 6 (his addiction was a big issue before), has stop expecting his dad to buy him everything, and follows our house rules most of the time. I think my stepson isn't fooled and knows that the rules originate from me and not SO, but I've come to accept that as fine as long as he's still following them and SO isn't undermining them. Haha. Anyway, my point is, hang in there, be consistent and it eventually pays off.

I definitely make more of the parenting calls. I'm much more decisive than SO and he agrees with me most the time, but if he differs I'll let him make the call. My stepdaughter has no structure and gets everything she wants (she turned 10 last week and got a smart phone!) But she also gets nearly zero interaction with her peers outside of school, I can't wait to put some structure in place where she can make real friends and participate in extracurriculars and realize what she's been missing! Her mom has two young boys and she been around DD since we have her some weekends and she totally gets that there are different expectations. She and I are able to chat when DD is napping but SO makes sure that she knows she is super important. Plus anytime she offers to help out with DD, we give her that extra responsibility, but never make it an expectation to help, because she's a sibling not a parent and she's still a kid herself. She often says she watches her brothers because her mom is too busy. Breaks SO's heart. 

carlyhammond

I've been thinking about getting counseling for myself. SO would never go for couples counseling (although we need it) but since LO was born I feel like I've lost myself, I don't even recognize who I am anymore