Liars and cheaters

jesssaying

I've come to the conclusion that too many of our spouses have lied and cheated on us since having their babies. How is that fair to us? Did we ask for this hurt and pain?
tonight I found out that my spouse slept with another woman and she's pregnant. 

OliveOyl2014

Sorry you are going through this. I couldn't imagine the pain and betrayal you are feeling. Take care of yourself!

SweetnSassy23

I wish you the best as you work through your anger and stress. I hope you and your husband can figure out what's best for your relationship.

FatPony

Brutal. Hugs

jesssaying

I'm completely devastated. My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest.

ladynesiko

I'm sorry this happen to you.Sorry, I will keep it real with you. Now, you got to think strategically after you have your emotional moment. Because at this moment you have now most likely became a single parent. If your married, I am sure you will go over what does the value of marriage mean to your husband and everything. You will have a decision will you forgive him or not (despite the fact the result of his adultery will be born within 9 months or in less than 40 weeks). If you forgive him, mean it, I know he broke your trust and trust will be a lot longer to be regain but don't keep going back to what he did 6 months from now, 1 year from now and etc. If you cannot, do what you have to. (Child Support) Don't stay married for the sake of your young, eventually when your LO gets older it will make them upset and know it's "just an act". Being single parent isn't as hard as everyone makes it to be. Grandparents or if you have siblings do make it easier. But if you have a care-free happy LO you will make the most of it. Best of luck in your situation.

midge519

:-( take time to figure out what is best for you. No matter what remember you are strong and you can get thru anything no matter the path you decide to follow. I've been there. If you need to talk please feel free to pm me!

Melissa9481

I'm so sorry. Just try to focus on you and your beautiful babe now.

AiramJ

That son of a bitch. You can do better. Take your time to cry and be angry, then focus and decide how you want to go from there.

chein1

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this bullshit. 

Soashwifey

So very sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't imagine. Stay strong for you and your little one. Whatever you decide will be the right decision.

Vstille2712

You do NOT deserve that. No one does. I'm thinking of you! 

jesssaying

I don't deserve it. Our daughter doesn't deserve it. Maybe it's that I feel like I've been brainwashed or maybe it's that I'm thinking about my daughter.... But I can't bring myself to leave. I get so close (stuff packed up and all we have to do is get in the car, I have an appointment for child support on the 22nd in case I do really decide to leave). I know I should and I most likely will but for right now, I'm just sitting here, miserable. He says it has absolutely nothing to do with me, that he thinks I'm "perfect" but obviously that isn't true. He says he was going through a "crisis" but why didn't you tell me? Why were you confiding in another woman? We have an appointment for couples counseling because he says he doesn't want to lose my daughter or I but all I keep thinking about is the fact that he slept with someone else and she's having his baby....

AiramJ

what makes it unforgivable is that he got another woman pregnant. For me, there would be no coming back from that. She would most likely be in your lives forever. You are miserable staying where you are, you will also be miserable if you leave (but it gets better!), but at least he can't hurt you anymore when you're gone.

jesssaying

He has decided to give up any all all rights.. He wants nothing to do with it. I'm not sure if he's decided that based on him knowing that he will lose me and our daughter but it's still what he has decided. I want to leave because I always hear people say that it's gets better and easier but I have no job... All I have is my car, and granted, I know I could easily find somewhere to stay until I'm settled financially and have my own place I can't help but feel guilty for leaving. I know I shouldn't feel guilty... 

midge519

Not feeling guilty for leaving is an incredibly hard thing to get over. I can promise you if you leave that feelingnwont go away right away but when you start to feel happy knowing you aren't getting hurt you will notice your guilt fades. One of the best things that someone asked me when I was having a hard time going thru my divorce was "when is the last time you were truly happy?" I don't know if there were any problems before this but that hit me pretty hard. You don't have to decide to be done for good right now. IMO you should go stay with someone for a little while, get yourself a part time job, and just let it play out. Give yourself time to sort out your feelings with everything. More than anything with him you deserve time for you and your daughter. Just focus on her and you. However it goes it will fall into place as you adjust to your feelings

Melissa9481

I know in the state of Missouri, you can't just give up rights. Like my sisters ex can't sign his rights over to their step dad until he legally adopts them. He doesn't see them but he's still financially responsible. (Not that he pays but that's a whole other story!)

Time out of the situation and away might help you get a different perspective on all of it. Even just for a weekend or few weeks. Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll go. But the decision will be all yours without it him and the issues all in your face.

jesssaying

We actually just found out that it isn't his. It doesn't erase the fact that they slept together..... But he isn't the father to another woman's baby. She had her first ultrasound, she played it off up until now, that she wasn't pregnant but she is 21 weeks. They didn't even know each other when this baby was conceived. 

edavis926

Ugh I'm so sorry that you're going though this! I can't even imagine.. it is better that he's not having another baby but like you said it doesn't change the fact that he still cheated on you. I get that a lot of guys have some sort of freak out with a new baby but seriously? Go to the gym, have a beer or use your words like a big boy and just talk to us about it!

I agree that you should leave for right now. Keep your counseling appointments if you think there's even a chance that you might go back. I'd keep the support meeting for now too then you at least have all of your options open. Definitely don't stay just because of your daughter and if you go back you have to be sure you can trust him. Otherwise your daughter will pick up on that resentment from either situation. The biggest question I would need the answer to is would you have found out if he hadn't thought he was having another baby?

I know you won't be able to truly get your mind off of it but not being completely surrounded by it will probably help. 

chein1

I have two under 3, and it is hard. Really freaking hard. It's going to continue to be hard in this stage of life of raising little ones. My only point is how many more "crisis" will he have and how will he handle them? This is just the beginning with your LO. None of us are in your situation and none of us know the circumstances around his infidelity. Definitely take some time away from his what I can only assume are constant apologies and trying to make up for it and really decide if it's something you can forgive and move on from. You don't owe him anything, and you deserve every moment of silence to come up with what YOU want to do.

jesssaying

I had suspected he cheated for months but he continuously lied to me and said it wasn't true... I received messages from a coworker of his telling me that he had impregnanted another women and I defended him. If finally got to the point where I knew I was defending a guilty man and he did finally confess. No, he would not have told me the truth on this had I no found out first, he's even told me. I do want to say that after I had first accused him of cheating months ago, he did become a changed person. I mean he became so family oriented, so focused on making me and our girls happy. He quit working where he was working (that's where they met), and he started sitting down with me again and doing things that I like doing, actually taking the time to talk to me... I mean it when I say, a changed man.. But it doesn't erase his infidelity so we will be going to talk to someone on Thursday. He has agreed that he will do whatever it is that I suggest we do if it will possibly help us.

midge519

I'm glad he has changed to a better man for you since then! Truly his wanting to work on it with you is the only way you staying will work and help make you happy. I really hope the counseling helps you find whatever peace you need in either direction. 

jesssaying

@midge519. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond back to me. I really appreciate it. He has shown he's a changed man, or a man who's s been working on changing. 

midge519

You're welcome! You deserve all the best and all the help you can get! I'm glad there is positive things happening. I hope it continues that way. 

jesssaying

@midge519 Me too. For our families sake but in the end if I'm just being lied to again then I know the proper steps to take. I know that it will be hard but the fact of the matter is, I know that I'm worth more but I won't just leave and put my daughter in a situation where she will only see each of us half time... So I've explained that and I think it out some things into perspective. I even asked him if he would want anyone doing what he did to me to one of our girls and he cried when I said that.. He has such a strong, amazing bond with our daughters and his girls (my SD's) so I think that really hit hard.

midge519

That's an awesome outlook to have!! I spent three years fighting for a one sided marriage. I can't prove physical infidelity but texting, websites, everything else I could have. And it was torture for myself. In the end when I finally gave up it wrecked more havoc on myself than on the kids, once they adjusted. Now they are probably happier than they have ever been. They have two dads and two moms and they love it!

ETA: what I mean by saying all that is your outlook will save you from the heartache I went through over and over again for so long. If I had your outlook I never would have stayed like I did. And a huge plus is you're seeing real change!

christina4436

Cheating is one thing but then cheating unprotected?!? I'm not sure I would be able to forgive how he exposed u to disease of not just the woman but whoever she is with since clearly no one is being careful around here! Gross. Great he is changing but for how long who knows. I wouldn't just stay bc you don't have a job. 

danniellemichelle

@jesssaying I am just now seeing this havent been on in a long time and just wanted you to know I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. I'm so happy he is stepping up and being the man you and your baby truly deserve