Counseling for miscarriage - did it help or not?

stephann85

I am playing with the idea of going to see a couselor. Since my 2nd miscarriage I have been having problems with feeling defeated  with trying to have a baby. I know deep down I want a child but I get so anxious about being pregnant again even though I am benched for at least another month. So I guess I'm just wondering if the counseling has helped others. And has anyone had any experience with a counselor that didn't specialize is miscarriage/infertility?

BornReady

As a counselor myself, I'm pretty pro-therapy. I've started seeing a counselor recently again after some time off and feel like it's been helpful. I'm going through my first IVF experience after a miscarriage in November 2015
 and needed some support outside of my friends and family. Honestly, they can only listen to my irrational thoughts so much.

My counselor doesn't specialize in loss/infertility, but does have a background in women's reproductive health (menopause, pregnancy, postpartum, etc.). She also practices a brand of therapy (internal family systems) that I've had some interest in and I've liked her style a lot and found her helpful. I pretty much cry for an hour each time I see her, but I'm connecting a lot of the dots in terms of where my anxiety and sadness is coming from. Finding meaning and understanding is really important to me to integrate this crappy experience into my life story overall and I feel like I'm doing that with her.

Aera11

@stephann85 I am with @BornReady, I am pro-therapy/counseling.  I've seen a therapist many, many times since my second loss and it's only helped.  Having an outside perspective was really helpful and any advice she had given me, I knew it was coming from someone who was looking out for my best interest.  It felt like a huge weight was lifted when I could share my rawest feelings/thoughts with her.  Find someone you're comfortable with, and if you're not, keep looking until you do.  Best of luck this infertility/loss journey is hard and lonely, so take good care of yourself!

fivetimesnoluck

@stephann85 I'm sorry for your losses. I echo what PP have said. Therapy - with the right person - is good. I've gone in times of low and high stress. If you're in a large metro area, and even in some smaller - there is likely someone who specializes in reproductive health/ women's health. 

yolandamunoz

I am also into this very much.

A friend of mine just casually found out that one of her counselor friends (psychologist) has many patients with MC, and she is working hard to find new ways to help them and advise them. 

The main issue for me would be the cost, and if it's covered by my insurance. Oh well.

BrightenMySky

I have found it very helpful once I found the right person.  I saw someone with no specific IF/loss (well, I hadn't ever been pregnant at that point) when I first started fertility treatments, and I did not it helpful.  I felt like I was having to explain all the treatments to her, and she mistook what I think is very normal hesitation about doing treatments to asking me if I was being forced to do them.  It just didn't seem like our conversations would be helpful.  

After my first loss, I found a therapist on the Psychology Today website that specializes in IF, loss, and issues surrounding pregnancy.  I have found our conversations really beneficial.  Two days before I had my first appointment, our dog was diagnosed with cancer, and that was only a month or two after the first loss and really hit me hard, so it was really good that I had already scheduled something, as I might have been too much of a mess to reach out at that point.  

stephann85

Thanks for all the responses. I am hoping that it will help. I can't keep crying everytime I see a pregnancy announcement or when someone even talks about pregnancy. And I also can't keep holding everything in so that my family and husband think I'm doing ok. I'm going to call tomorrow to set up an appointment. Thank you again for your responses.

fivetimesnoluck

@stephann85 it's a process. And there isn't a "right" timeline. But it is good to be proactive so that you can keep moving forward and don't get stuck. I also quit Facebook after getting sick of blocking/unfollowing more people than I care to admit. It was hard at first, but now when I see friends and family that I haven't seen for a while, I get to have real conversations instead of just feeling like I already know everything about what they've been up to. I don't miss it anymore. You can deactivate your account and reactivate at any time without losing any of your data. I wish you much luck. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are not alone. Big hugs. 

szwill86

@stephann85 I second @fivetimesnoluck with deactivating facebook. It was hard at first but now three months out I don't miss it at all. I still use other social media but the pregnancy/baby announcements was OOC on there and it was too much for me. 

I have no input on the counseling as I have not gone, but fx that you making the appointment is the first step in the right direction for you in processing your emotions about everything. Hugs to you. 

nmd9168

@stephann85 I know all of these wonderful women have said it, counseling is a good idea, once you find one that works for you. I started with one after my loss and she cancelled on me 3 times after our first visit. She never called me back to let me know when she had openings, like she said she would. I've done counseling in the past when stressful situations with my parents arose, while in college, and it was hugely beneficial.

KarenBeth714

I went to group therapy with a social worker who experienced a loss and started the group because of her experiences. It was at the hospital and was very helpful for me. DH came a few times but wasn't into it. It was just six weeks. I do have a therapist that I have worked with in the past over some anxiety and break ups. I took a break for a while bc I just didn't want to keep rehashing the sadness and the memories and was debating if it would be helpful or not. Now I am dealing with some serious triggers and am going back to my regular therapist this week. I'm a little nervous bc I'm not sure if she has experience with this.Appt is on Tues, so I'll keep you posted. If she's not a good match I may seek someone who specializes in loss.

Hopefulmommy1980

I am sorry for your loss. I think therapy can be helpful. Good luck

KarenBeth714

Just a follow up.. I just got back from my first appt. Cried the whole time as I retold our story yet again. Although I didn't feel that she was particularly sympathetic to my reactions to triggers, I feel that I will stick it out for a few situations. I think it's just her style, as I've seen in the past. But I think it will be helpful. I will give it a few more sessions and see how I feel then.

jwg9101

Thanks for posting this. I'm very pro-therapy but I'm also stupid. I like to feel like I have it together so the thought of sharing this pain scares the heck out of me. The other times I've gone to a counselor were about practical things like marriage where we needed to talk through issues. That felt easy because I felt like there was a "right" position, steps to take, and fixable problems. Now I feel like I would just boohoo the entire time. There is no right thing to do or say in this situation only grief. I guess I just don't get what she could help me with because there is nothing that can be fixed, but you ladies have convinced me that it could be helpful. Thank you for that!

jmacd22

I experienced a very late loss and I knew that I needed counseling. The pain was just too heavy and I needed to find some comfort. I think the counseling helped me. I went for about 3 months, every week. 

KarenBeth714

Not sure how I feel now. Just got out of appointment, this week I was raging with a lot of anger. She said that I seemed to feel entitled to have anger. I said I absolutely do. She said if I stopped feeling angry I could feel better and that it would eat at me and cause more pain/ stress. I said yes I understand that but I still feel angry! Is this helping me? I'm sure it's better than nothing, but not sure if it's what I need to hear. 

stephann85

So an update - I had my first appt this last Thursday. I am really undecided as to whether it helped or not. I totally get talking about what is going on and how it makes me feel and all that jazz, but it really wasn't helpful to explain all the medical parts of a MMC. If I wanted to talk about the medical aspects I would talk with my work friends. But in any case I am not going to write it off just yet, I am going to try it a couple more times and then make a decision. When it is all said and done, I feel like I am less emotional and have been sleeping better. So I guess only time will tell. 

chloe97

@KarenBeth714 I think anger is normal after a loss. If you think about grief through the Kubler stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance you are obviously going to feel anger.  I agree that saying "stop being angry " is not very helpful at all! If you knew how to stop, you would because I'm sure you don't want to feel that way. 

I think therapy is very helpful, but I'm not sure I like my new therapist. This is my 3rd in 4 months. I love our couples counselor and wish I would have picked her for individual counseling. I'm dealing with some major hypochondria- the kind that makes me worry about cancer or other serious illness obsessively. I'm going to a therapist that specializes in mother issues, including PPD. She doesn't really know a lot about hypochondria. It's hard to find a therapist you really connect with!

RiverSong15

From my own recent experience, counseling takes several sessions to establish a rapport with your counselor and to get to working through the root of an issue. My therapist will often ask questions and make statements to see how I react and to gage where I'm at emotionally. Once I realized that, it's helped me understand where she's going with treatment, and I'm getting more out of the sessions.

@stephann85 Hopefully explaining the medical parts of the MC was just a way to get your therapist to speak the same "language" so you can move past the medical stuff next time. 

All this being said, if after several sessions you still don't feel like it's the right fit, don't be discouraged from trying someone else. It can take a couple tries to find someone you click with and trust.