Ever felt like you should do your OBs job?

SoonToBeMommaHowe

After a year of trying after MC with no luck I decided to switch OBs and get a second opinion since my first OB misdiagnosed me. Well during the 30 minute consult my new OB made the following comments:

1)Don't temp, that stuff will just drive you crazy. Ever used an OPK? (Ummm yes and I get two surges a month so not very effective)

2)Do you get a period every month? If you do you ovulate so don't worry about it

3)My guess is you haven't fully grieved your MC and that is making it tough for you to conceive 

4)After discussing my very irregular post MC cycles sure told me to take a BD break 5 days before my temp rise (how the hell am I supposed to know when that is?). And then and BD every other day for the week after temp rise (does this make sense?). 

5)I asked if there was anything besides medication that I could do to shorten my follicular phase and she said "nope just clomid"

6) And lastly....as long as I got pregnant once I can do it again. (It's been nearly three flippin years with one pregnancy and it was a 1/500,000 pregnancy. I'm not sure that's the best indicator)

AHHHHH I feel like I got nowhere

Should I even bother with this lady? She's nice but I feel like I know more about this shit then she does 

chloe97

Been there @SoonToBeMommaHowe and it sucks. I never even mention my temping to my OB because I got a similar response. And granted as we all know, it doesn't work for everyone, which is why they can't recommend it. It's not evidence based. I personally prefer the combo of OPK and temping bc I get some idea. 

A couple thoughts- have you thought about a nurse midwife? I hear that they are a lot more willing to accept temping as a normal part of TTC. My 2nd thought is acupuncture. I just started with a new community place and I'm much happier with them my yuppie eastern medicine fertility practice that cost $150 a treatment. Lots of regulars on these boards swear by it. My Dr was even very in to the idea. If you haven't already, I'd pick up the book Making Babies at the library. I'm actually rereading it now, it's a TTC book told from the perspective of an RE and Eastern Medicine Dr. i forget, do you have PCOS? They have a lot of great ideas for that in the book.

BornReady

I have heard more absurd comments from OBs than I care to think about. I finally gave up talking about temping with them. Do you have the option of working with an RE? I'm cool with an OB catching my future baby on the way out, but I'm trusting my RE to help make me one. 

AandDM2014

Ugh! What a drag! Your new OB sounds horrid. I'm so sorry you're having to experience this. If it were me, I'd switch in a heartbeat. I've actually decided to not see my old OB anymore because he doesn't take my concerns seriously. I've found a new one who will, so if I get pregnant again I will definitely be seeing her instead!

elm0262148

I know exactly how you feel. My last OB walked in the room, said "you're going to have a miscarriage," Then left. Didn't say anything else, didn't ask if I had questions, didn't tell me I could leave. It wasn't until a lab tech walked in and told me she needed to take blood that I was asked if I had questions, and then told I could check out after. Then just before I left the same OB walked up to me and told me I was fine, that everything looked normal. Then that weekend I had my miscarriage. I'm RH negative and the same OB did not want to give me a RhoGAM shot, she told me I didn't need it. I told here I was going somewhere else, because I knew I needed RhoGAM. She got offended because I didn't trust her judgement. I think you should switch. Who knows what your OB will be like once you finally get the positive you're waiting for. What if she doesn't take your concerns into consideration? Good luck if you go on the hunt for a new OB, I hope you find one that you like. And good luck in your future attempts at conceiving - I know how difficult it can be, it took me three years to get my most recent positive, only to end in loss. I'm praying for you Mrs. Lady.

BrightenMySky

I second (third?) the suggestion to seek a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) if you can.  I am sorry for those comments.  Especially the "fully grieved" your m/c.  A friend of mine was telling me that she went to an adoption info session, and they specifically said that they recognize that if you're considering adoption after loss, they would never expect that you "fully grieve" before looking at adoption because that's not how grief works.  And to suggest you aren't conceiving because of your grief???

Amdogger82

I agree with everyone suggesting you seek a RE. And run, don't walk to a new OB. I was given ridiculous advice from my first OB about timing: only (yes ONLY) have sex CD 11-14. Never mind I don't O until at least day 24. I have a new Dr in the same practice who actually supported temping as a way to see if I'm ovulating. All this to say that this process is too hard and important to waste precious time with someone who doesn't make you feel supported or confident in their competence. 
I'm sorry you're going through this and had such a disappointing visit. 

SoonToBeMommaHowe

Thanks so much for the input ladies. It was very discouraging because I got so hopeful that this would be a fresh start and maybe she'd be open minded and bring a new perspective but no,
same ol stuff. I feel like she didn't even know the basics...just because I had a bleed after 50 days DOESNT necessarily mean I ovulated. 

I did schedule a consultation with an RE for November 7th which would give us two natural cycles to hopefully get a BFP without having to spend a butt load of money that we don't have. Just the consultation is $400 and our insurance covers zip.

@chloe97 one of my really good friends/former teammates from college is an acupuncturist(?) and she has been telling me I need to go do it as well. Needles scare the crap out of me so the thought of willingly doing that makes my skin crawl. But if it helps it would be worth it so maybe i should look into it. Also I don't have a PCOS diagnosis just "unexplained" at this point since I was dx'd as anovulatory but that wasn't true. But maybe reading Making Babies or TCoYF would help. I live across the street from the library so easy access!!

@elm0262148 your old OB sounds like a huge jerk. What a cruel way to tell you about your MC. But you're right I don't think I should be going to this lady even when I do get a future BFP. 

@BrightenMySky I think her accusing me of not fully grieving my MC and that being one of our current issues was the most hurtful thing she said during this 30 dreadful minutes. I'm pretty sure that was just helping solidify her argument that stress is the reason im not getting pregnant. What else can a girl do to de-stress?!? I quit my job, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week, I craft, take trail walks with my dog every day. I feel pretty darn good until I go see someone who then accuses me of having stress levels to high to get pregnant. 

Ok last and very serious question bc now I'm doubting myself....is she right about timing?!? If so maybe my timing has always been off! She said five day break before temp rise, EOD for a week after rise?? When I showed her my chart she said we had too much BD before O, probably "wearing out his sperm" and Not enough after which is why it didn't happen last month

BornReady

You have already ovulated after your temp rise, the egg is no longer viable at that point. In general the thinking is BD every 48-72 hours to keep sperm at it's best prior to ovulation (5-7 days before temp rise). Going longer than 72 hours without ejaculation increases the chance that sperm will be dead/not motile by the time you do BD decreasing your chances. For most sperm analyses they won't even accept the sample if you have gone longer than 72 hours since last ejaculation. We have a sperm issue, so we have had conversations with many physicians about sperm, I know more than I ever wanted to know!

Sorry about the financial stress of the RE. It makes me sick that infertility coverage isn't mandatory. 

BrightenMySky

On acupuncture, I started seeing an acupuncturist for my second IUI, through my first tri, and post-loss (and now TTCAL).  She's great.  One thing that I love about her, though, is that her perspective is that acupuncture should not be causing me any stress.  So if I'll have to rush to make an appointment with her, we reschedule--that kind of thing.  If you want to try it, I hope you can find a practitioner with whom you can be open about your fear of needles and will be honest with you if it's doing more harm than good because of the needle anxiety.

BrightenMySky

Also, I cannot really help you with the chart because I'm not a temper myself (it causes too much sleep anxiety for me), but remember that well-timed BD doesn't mean near-100% chance of pregnancy in a given month.  It doesn't have to be something that you did wrong as to why it didn't happen (and if that's what this doctor said, all the more reason to find someone new).

dpjennifer

Some of that advice definitely sounds wonky.  I think it's hard for us because this group tends to be very well educated, or working on educating themselves, about these topics.  I'd say that most people your OB is talking to are not as knowledgeable about this subject and their own bodies and cycles.  But at the same time, I feel like those of us who have looked into these topics and researched and want to have serious conversations about these issues from a FAM/TCOYF approach should be able to do so with our OBs.  But I also just feel like they are not as well informed about it as they should be. 
I mean, I lied to my OB this past PG because I have long cycles and if I gave the date of my LMP then I would be off by a week.  So I gave a date a week later to make sure my records were accurate.  I shouldn't have to do this.  I mean, I realize that the 'exact moment' of conception can be fuzzy, and that some people don't know their ovulation date and how their BD schedule fits in with it, but for someone charting and temping I shouldn't be allowed to receive medical care that's over a week off!  But I also still defer to my OB for many things.

Have you read Taking Charge of Your Fertility yet?  It can be repetitive, but very enlightening.

RiverSong15

Your OB is WRONG about timing. Absolutely wrong!!!! The egg only lives for 12-24 hours. Sex after your temp rise cannot get you pregnant. The most likely days to achieve pregnancy are two days before ovulation through O day. If you follow your OBs advice, you WON'T get pregnant. I'd highly suggest doing the tutorials in FF and reading their articles. Also, the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility is excellent! I'm sorry about all the other things your OB said and did, too.

ETA: FF and Taking charge of your fertility recommend sex the morning of your temp rise, but that's really just to "cover your bases", just in case. While its theoretically possible if you JUST ovulated a few hours before you woke up, it's really really unlikely. Do NOT follow your OBs advice on timing. Are you sure she didn't say 5 day break and then EOD BEFORE temp rise? Because that would make much more sense.

SoonToBeMommaHowe

Ok so I'm not crazy, phew. Thank you ladies. I thought her timing input seemed wrong but then again I haven't had a pregnancy in a year so who knows. 

Time to go get a copy of TCoYF! 

And @RiverSong15 unfortunately I'm positive she said break 5 days before the rise and EOD after. Hopefully not too many women take her advice!

RiverSong15

No, you're definitely not crazy! And this is a great example of the difference between OBs and REs. REs specialize in getting you pregnant, and OBs specialize in keeping you pregnant. I'm still a little shocked that an OB could be that badly misinformed though....

keikidreams

I am so sorry for your loss and the struggles you've been facing. Your OB sounds like a quack. #4 was the best - what does that even mean? (ETA: Oh! She meant to BD after your temp shift once you've already ovulated? That's so smart of her. Ugh.) My Aunt's OB asked her: "Are you having sex?" after she was referred to him for a year of IF.

yolandamunoz

You're not crazy!!!

i also recommend the book "taking charge of your fertility" it was a true eye opener for me in various aspects of my cycle. I picked it up because Mayim Bialik recommended it (besides her acting skills, she has a PH.D. In neuroscience) saying that this allowed her to have her 2 boys.

Temping is no stress for me, it actually makes me feel in control and confident that I know what is happening to my body and my cycle. I know I ovulate. I know when because of the temp rise. It is reassuring to have this info and then talk to the doctors.

i have gotten pregnant "easily" but I cannot go further than 6w (I've had 2 losses). I am also changing my OBGYN for a RE. I went for my first appointment and I already feel better and more optimistic. I hope you can get this feeling soon to fulfill your rainbow dreams!

and before I forget @BornReady tell me about sperm!! I have to learn... My DH needs to get a second test to see if his sperm is ok, first test was not good but they say that Sperm quality varies... 

BornReady

Lol, @yolandamunoz, what would you like to know about sperm? I'm definitely no expert, but have done tons of reading. Your doctor is correct, our sperm analyses have been so vastly different it makes me even wonder what is really going on. Overall they've all been "not great", but some were way worse than others. So far, we've stuck with just supplements (men's multi-vintamin and Ubiquinol) as both were recommended by the RE. We also had a urology consult, but the doctor said the same thing as the RE. Good luck!

yolandamunoz

Hey @BornReady  well any tips you have! from the frequency of BD to improve sperm quality on FW, to vitamins and changes in foods like those mentioned.

We went to the urologist, and he asked for a second spermiogram. But then my DH got sick with a cold (OMG) and didn't go to do the second test. He ended up having bronchitis and allergies, and now he is feeling better. So hopefully this week he can "produce a sample"

My new RE asked for a new spermiogram too, so that we can discuss our options. Maybe it was just a bad sample, who knows...

Hugs!
-Y

P.S. I don't know if "spermiogram" is correct (in spanish it's espermiograma) but I really don't want to google it LOL 

lauraash

Although I think the title of this post is rude... (I work as a nurse so I get it; sometimes you have a great provider and sometimes it's like they're too busy to bother truely getting to know you) 

I would recommend a CNM (Nurse Midwife) Mine is amazing and sits and talks with me about what's going on with my body, physically and emotionally every follow up I've had. She asks about how my husband is doing. She wants to know what we're doing to deal with the stress of MC and TTC again. She wants to know how I'm tracking ovulation and gives me pointers. And I should point out this isn't always the same Midwife- the entire practice I found is amazing; all women, who truely take time to know me. I found them through research, their website, reviews and even facebook...

Healthcare is not a one size fits all option anymore. Do your research and find someone who wants to get to know you and your family. We, as women, have to be an advocate for our own health!

fivetimesnoluck

@lauraash Hello, not sure if you introduced yourself here, but I think you're new maybe? The title of the post isn't meant to be rude - it's a vent and given the OP's reasons for feeling that way, it seems like a legitimate question. She didn't say she can do the job better than her doctor (or nurse) so I hope any offense you may have taken is short-lived.

It sounds like you are TTCAL, so I am sorry for your loss. Hopefully you'll intro and participate in some of our check ins and conversations as you continue on this path. It's a group that has provided much comfort to me over the last several months.

@SoonToBeMommaHowe I would definitely not waste your time with that doctor. I switched providers after our first loss because my previous OB has very little bedside manner. And while MC may be old hat to her, it was devastating to lose our first pregnancy and we hoped for, but got no compassion whatsoever. Changing was the best decision for us and we found another provider who is more our style and has offered meaningful support as we have experienced repeated losses since the first. Good luck!

RiverSong15

@fivetimesnoluck - I really don't understand how doctors can show no compassion to women going through a MC. It takes all of a minute to say "I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you doing? Do you feel like you have enough emotional support"? My doctors did that for me, and my PCP still asks about my emotional wellbeing months later when I go in for unrelated things. It never turned into a counseling session, but I still truly appreciated how much she cares for me as a patient and not just an accumulation of medical test results and symptoms. It really isn't that time consuming to show just an ounce of compassion, which women going through a loss desperately need.

brooklyngirl18

the day me and dh found out about the ectopic pregnancy, the midwife spoke with us first and then brought us over to the new dr to talk and the dr directed us down the hall to her office. her first words were 'congratulations, well, not really' me and dh were both stunned and horrified. no apology, no explanation, nothing. i tried to chalk it up to a verbal slip, a bad day, anything. a month or so later i went back to this dr for my annual exam and she said 'so, how are you doing since all the excitement a month back'. WHAT THE $%#$%#. her bedside manner is deplorable and will never see her ever again.

fivetimesnoluck

@brooklyngirl18 I don't even know what to say to that. That's awful. I'm sorry it happened. 

brooklyngirl18

@fivetimesnoluck thank you. I realize that's kind of a random story but it seemed fitting at the time to add my experience with a dr with terrible bedside manner. I later learned that dr has a reputation for behaving that way, which is really sad, but made me feel validated that I wasn't overreacting. I'm much more comfortable with a new dr. I think it's so important to find a dr you can connect with and feel comfortable with, especially given all our history with loss and struggles with pregnancy. 

dpjennifer

@brooklyngirl18 That's atrocious for them to say that!  How horrible!

@RiverSong15  I agree that doctor's should take that extra minute to ask about how we are doing.  I specifically remember my doctor greeting me as soon as we found out the first PG wasn't viable and I was going to have a MC and she said "I'm so sorry.  Having a MC is hard no matter what, and is especially hard when it was a wanted PG."  I mean... that meant so much to me!
The assistant who checked me out did say "Congratulations!" when I approached the desk, then she looked at the paperwork and looked horrified and apologized profusely.  She went on about how sorry she was and that she should have looked at the paperwork first.  And then I felt bad because it was an honest mistake, and it happens!

stephann85

@SoonToBeMommaHowe I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to deal with losses but it is even harder when you are faced with a professional that doesn't understand. I hope you are able to find a doc that is on the same page as you.

I really love my doctor. And he has been so sympathetic towards my losses and has even shared some of the things that he and his wife have gone through.
But on the other hand I did have a phlebotomist that congratulated me on my pregnancy even though I was there to track my beta numbers to zero following my d&c. She then proceed to tell me her daughter was pregnant too. I left the lab and sat in my car and cried. It was horrible.