My experience with PPD

Nicbert1214

Hi all. I felt like I should share this with you all being that we've all been posting on this board for so long now. A while back I posted how I was feeling on the PPD/Baby Blues thread and I noticed some other moms had been feeling similar. 
I had my son on May 13 after a very difficult labor which lead to an emergency cs. I felt ok the first few days I was home, and then I started feeling sad. Sad that it wasn't going to just be my husband and I anymore and sad that my life would never be the same. I started crying all the time. I didn't feel that bond that a mom should feel towards their child and I couldn't understand why. I didn't want to hurt him- I just wanted everything to go back to the way it was before he was born. 
Days went by and I started feeling awful anxiety. Anytime I would hear my son start moving around at night, my stomach would be in knots and my chest would start burning. I didn't want him to wake up my husband, because he had to go to work and if my husband was tired, he would be in a bad mood and then he would leave both of us because he couldn't handle it all. 
The days went by and I couldn't even get up to feed him, I couldn't go near him because my anxiety would go through the roof. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I felt like running away from myself, I was screaming inside, I felt like everyone on the street was staring at me and knew what was going on. I was staring blankly at my favorite television shows and couldn't hold a conversation with anyone because I couldn't process what they were saying. 
More days went by, I would look at my son and cry because all he wanted was for me to love him and hold him- and I just couldn't. He is such a good baby and I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way, I had no right to. Everyone else was head over heels in love with their babies and here I was just wishing I could run away from everyone, including myself. 
More days went by until the day I couldn't physically get out of my bed- I had to call my mother to come over because I could not take care of my son. 
I decided to go to my OB Doctor- I told him all that I was feeling and that I hadn't been eating or sleeping. His answer? "Oh it's probably just the baby blues, you have a strong support system right?" He gave me a prescription for Zoloft 25mg and told me it could take 2 weeks to work. When I asked him what I was supposed to do in the meantime about my anxiety- he told me to go see a medical doctor because maybe my thyroid was out of whack. 
3 days later I finally got an appointment with a medical doctor, who took my blood and gave me a prescription for Xanax. She then told me to wait 3 weeks before contacting her so she can reevaluate my Zoloft dosage. 
More days went by and I was feeling no relief. I went to see a therapist who specialized in PPD and she basically just talked the entire time and suggested I hire a nanny to help me. 
Was nobody getting it?
I then found out that 25mg of Zoloft is a sub clinical amount and basically a placebo. Now I had to find a psychiatrist because apparently OB doctors and medical doctors don't have enough experience with this medication. 
I found a psychiatrist who upped my Zoloft dosage to 100mg a day and gave me Klonopin because it's longer acting than Xanax. This all happened last Thursday and I can honestly say, I haven't had an anxiety attack since Saturday morning. I wake up for my son's feedings at night, I play with him, hold him, cuddle him and love him. I take him to the supermarket to look at all the things on the shelves. I look forward to seeing him grow and develop. I can't believe how much better I feel- I feel like myself again. 
I'm sorry for such a long post- but my point is, some doctors really suck. They are so cold and indifferent it's disgusting. The amount of time it took me to finally get the help I needed was almost 3 weeks- after feeling so awful for 2 months. PPD is a real thing and shouldn't be taken lightly at all and to think that a doctor, whether or not they have experience with it could take the time out to look into the medication instead of brushing people off. I will never get those 2 months back- but I have so many more months and years to look forward to, and I'm so happy that I was able to recognize the symptoms and stay proactive in getting the help I so desperately needed. 
Thanks for listening

businessmama

You are one strong person!! I'm so glad you kept fighting for yourself and I am so excited for all this time you get to spend with your LO now! 

Nicbert1214

AliciaD39 said:

You are one strong person!! I'm so glad you kept fighting for yourself and I am so excited for all this time you get to spend with your LO now! 

Thank you! I refused to let these stupid doctors keep blowing me off and for PPD to rule my life!

RSaini

I am so sorry you had a miserable 2 months with your LO but I am glad you kept pushing and got the help you needed to feel like yourself again!!! 

mondo77

Thank you for sharing your story! It will help others struggling take steps to get help. It's so difficult to contact the doctor about this in the first place, I hate that you got brushed off so many times! I had similar feelings, and also felt guilty that my son got a mom who is so stressed out and not cut out for this. I dreaded calling my doctor, worried I would break down crying on the phone. I'm on 50mg of Zoloft now and it really turned things around for me.

Bellodomani

Thanks for sharing that, I think it shows real tenacity and love for your son for you to keep advocating for the care you knew you needed. 

Jenly17

Good for you! I've been wondering how you're doing. I'm so happy to hear that you persisted and that you're feeling better. Best wishes! 

dshannah

What awful people/doctors you had to deal with! Your son is lucky to have a mom who's so tenacious!

Nicbert1214

Thanks ladies. As if having PPD isn't upsetting enough, it's just awful that these doctors just don't get it! This is not something I chose to feel, just because I had family members helping me out was not helping my depression or anxiety issues. I clearly needed to be put on medication, as do many others suffering from PPD. I believe all OB doctors should be trained and fully educated on recognizing the signs and symptoms and how to properly medicate if needed. 

vinerie

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you are feeling better, but so sad to hear of the difficulties you had in getting help. You would think OBs would be much more sensitive to these issues. I can also relate to the overwhelming feeling...the sadness over the loss of my previous life. I'm a lot better now, but I remember desperately wanting to feel the pure joy that others' seemed to feel. I definitely wasn't there at the beginning.

Nicbert1214

@vinerie I was happy to share because I feel that it's so important that we shouldn't put all our trust in doctors. We need to do our own research and go with our gut feelings. I will never go back to my OB, ever. He really dropped the ball and was so cold towards me. I am happy that you are feeling better and got past those negative feelings you had

JennyS86

Thank you for sharing.  I am so sorry that you suffered for 2 months.  I am so impressed by your strength and ability to get help and keep looking for the right help.  You  are setting a great example for you son, and you have many happy days ahead!

PYLWhammy

I am so glad you are finally getting the help you need. I have PPD too and am disappointed that my first two months of motherhood were so awful.

I can't believe the experience you had. As if asking for help isn't hard enough! So sorry you encountered those less-than-helpful docs/therapist.

Hope things continue to get better for you; have fun with you little guy

Nicbert1214

@jennys86 thank you! Yes those 2 months were awful, but thankfully I have a lot of awesome years ahead of me. @pylwhammy I'm sorry that you have suffered from PPD also, I truly hope that you were able to obtain the help you needed a lot easier than I did! I hope things keep getting better for you too! 

saladflambe

I'm so glad you found medications that work for you. I wound up in the hospital for 5 days because of my PPA. I wasn't sleeping at all and it took them five days to get me to sleep... Bleh. I'm now also on... A lot of meds. Like 5.

lalala2004

I'm sorry the doctors didn't take you seriously. That makes me so angry! You knew you needed help and it shouldn't have been so hard for you so get it! I'm so glad you're doing better, now. You're a great mom for getting healthy for your LO!

Nicbert1214

@saladflambe I'm so sorry you had to go to the hospital. I was on the verge of checking myself into one because none of these idiot doctors were taking me seriously. I am on 2 meds now and they are working thank God, how are you feeling? 
@lalala2004 seriously right? It's not like PPD/PPA are new illnesses, they've been around for a very long time. I think it's so irresponsible for any doctor to treat me the way I was treated, just awful! And thank you! Now my LO finally has the mom he deserves

saladflambe

@Nicbert1214 I'm feeling great - aside from normal new mom stuff like being anxious and upset about starting a new job Monday & her going to daycare. The decision to go on meds & switch the baby to formula so that I could do so was a definite game-changer for us. She's happy and fed; I'm happy & able to sleep enough.

Nicbert1214

@saladflambe that's awesome! So happy to hear you're feeling better and just being anxious and upset about the "normal" mom stuff