Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

(VENT) I'm just...very hurt and p!ssed off at MIL

It's been a while since I posted here.  Trying to get myself back on track since my MC 2 months ago.  So far, so OK.  I feel a little better every day but have my bouts of tears or anger triggered by the most random things.  (FTR...don't have 3 margaritas and watch "What to Expect When You're Expecting"!!)

DH was very reserved and respectful of my feelings after my loss, and didn't really know how to act other than be there for me.  I'm not sure he even felt much grief himself, but was very sad for me and what I was going through.  I spoke to my mother and close girlfriends about it, as many of them have gone through it too.  He told no one, which was fine, but the one person I wanted him to tell was my MIL.  We don't have a close relationship and I wasn't ready to talk about it, but felt it was something that affected our family and maybe she could provide some insight (my husband is a rainbow baby himself).  He told me he abstained b/c he didn't think it was "anyone's business but ours" but I told him I'd appreciate it if he spoke to her about it.  

He finally did last week and I have yet to receive a phone call, text, email from her at all.  Granted, I can't be too sure how he even presented it to her, if he let her know the gravity of the situation and how terribly I was feeling.  The way he presented it to me was like it was just a topic amongst other trivial topics of conversation.  But don't you think she'd know that or could relate?  I guess I'm feeling very slighted and though we don't have a great relationship, I thought something like this would warrant some kind of response.  Not to mention, my husband and I are going through a rough time with something else that has driven a wedge between MIL and me, something that I have been made a victim because of and all the balls are in her court.  

At the end of the day, I am extremely angry and hurt and want to reach out to her (probably via email so I can collect my thoughts).  I want to clear the air as much as possible b/c as it stands, I don't want her in my home.  What do you think?  Should I try and mend fences or let him be our go between?  Should I just let it sit?  Like I said, the ball is in her court - am I within my right to say something?  

TIA for any insights...      

Re: (VENT) I'm just...very hurt and p!ssed off at MIL

  • Hugs @Schmoopie1.  My inclination would be to talk to your husband about it.  I have found that many people do not know how to react or treat me (even if they've had a loss before), but with some of my friends, I have been able to tell them what I need and have them come through to be great supports.  Others, I could not imagine doing that and I've just put distance between us.  So, I guess what I'm wondering is if your husband might be able to tell her what would be supportive.  He could just mention to her that you are still struggling (duh) and a text/call/visit/sympathy card from her (you tell him what you prefer) would mean a lot.  I felt like my in-laws didn't care, so I would ask DH whenever he talked with them what was going on, and he mentioned that they asked about me.  Just knowing that was comforting.  
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
  • I understand exactly what you are going through. I feel that I've gotten the most "reaction" that I expected when we told them things like this in person or talk over the phone. I still personally haven't gotten exactly the perfect reaction or sympathy that I thought I would get, especially so much so from my SIL who went through two mid- term(20 week and another at 16 or 17 weeks) MCs. I was most shocked to hear her dumb response to comparing my situation of bleeding through my ectopic to her 13 yr old daughter freaking out about getting her period! So there you go. Nobody's inlaws are perfect. If I were you, I would get my DHs permission to speak to her openly over the phone or in person when she's not prepared and have her face the situation and get a response, I'm a bit more forward and I don't personally like playing around the bush. Emails or texts just gives her more time to avoid what's going on if that it what she's doing.
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  • schmoopie1-2schmoopie1-2 member
    edited July 2016
    Thanks, ladies.  I'm just baffled these days as I mentioned in my OP, my husband and I are going through something else that was dropped on me like a bomb, and she is one of the only people on this planet privy to the whole thing besides DH and myself.  Basically, I MC'd in May and in June received devastating news.  She has not reached out to me so much as via email to see if I'm OK.  It has to do with a family secret so it's not like I have many other people to turn to, and the more I think of it, the less and less I want anything to do with her anyway.  The latter has been a very difficult, painful, frustrating time for me.  But she's so in the clouds and selfish that if it's not all about her, then it's not important.  I should know not to expect much of anything from her.  

    This was the woman that when I expressed my concerns about TTC in my mid-30's said, "Oh, it'd be so nice to have a grandchild...I'm the only one at the lunch table without pictures to show off."  Yeah.  B/c I give a rat's @$$ about you and your pictures.      
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