Do I say something?

Toby102008

So a co-worker of mine, who knows about my infertility and upcoming IUI, just posted a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. This would be her 4th. Well, of course I instantly burst into tears, espcially because I had bad news at my US yesterday that my follies weren't growing. It hasn't been a good couple days to begin with then to add insult to injury she announces that. So I start reading some of the comments and come to find out, she was JOKING!!! I'm appalled. My tears of sadness became tears of anger and my blood is boiling. I want to call her out so bad but I just don't know if I should. So my question is, do I say something to her? I obviously would never say anything via Facebook because I don't think that's the place, but do I bring it up in person about how pregnancy is not a joke and how hurtful that kind of thing is? Or do I ignore it and let it go? Assume she will never understand because she easily conceived 3 children and will never understand the magnitude of the hell I go through, all us ladies go through, everyday. What would you ladies do? 

JamieH2000

Sorry you have to deal with this! It's really not fair. Honestly though, I would probably just let it go. You have so much more important things to focus on and they will never understand.

I think you live in the mke area if I remember right from the May IUI group?! It sounds like you have been having a bit of a rough time lately, so if you ever wanted to meet up, I would be happy to! This whole thing makes me feel so isolated from 95 percent of my friends and it's hard to find others who understand, so feel free to PM me if your interested! Thinking of you and really hoping your follies respond ASAP!!

KLake42

You are probably not the only person who was hurt by that. Chances are, she knows a few other people who have struggled with fertility. In fact, she probably knows some women who have miscarried. If you feel like you can have a kind, not-accusatory conversation with her, you might help her understand not to do that again.

Google: April fools fake pregnancy cruel infertile. That brings up a bunch of articles about why fake pregnancy jokes are cruel. Maybe you could just share one with her. These are becoming more popular for sharing in late March, to warn people not to be cruel. 

Toby102008

@jamieh2000 Yes, I live about an hour away. I'll pm you after work. I think that's a great idea.  

@klake42 Thanks for the advice. I talked with a different co worker today and she said as soon as she saw that post she instantly thought of me. That some people don't understand how hurtful those posts are. 

mskeenan

I agree with @klake42 . If you feel like you can have a calm convo with her about it to raise her awareness I think that would be great. I know it's crazy but some people really don't realize how insensitive they are being . I personally don't think I could be calm enough to not make someone feel absolutely horrible - but that's just me ! 

Im so sorry you have to deal with / see this crap. People are ridiculous 

vssbrm

I agree, if you can calmly tell her, or if it comes up on Monday how funny she thought she was being, I would say something. 

Im surprised that people, esp on FB still do this. In March it seemed like every other post was why it's such a horrible idea.

Toby102008

Thanks ladies. I'm going to just explain to her why it's not a joke to some people, like me. People need to understand how hurtful it is and stop doing it. I don't know why a person thinks "oh let's pretend I'm pregnant today, that'll be funny" but I'm just going to try to explain it to her calmly like you all said. Wish me luck, I tend to get a little irritated with the subject. 

lilmissslp

Good luck @Toby102008. That's very brave of you to speak up! I'm not sure I could do it without becoming over emotional lol, but its very important we advocate for ourselves and the infertility community. People just don't get it! Let us know how it goes.

Isthisthereallife

KLake42 said. 

I'm also close to Kenosha so you have support if you want/need it!! 

JamieH2000

@isthisthereallife- I work in Racine, so we are close to each other! We may have to start our own WI support group

Cmckenzie

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree with pp, if you feel you can talk to her about it in a manner that you won't regret later, than go for it! I had something similar happen around April fools and did not handle the situation so well.....needless to say I regretted my approach even if I agreed with the message.

Toby102008

@jamieh2000 I'm actually an hour north. Up by Sheboygan. But I don't mind traveling.
@isthisthereallife You're in Kenosha? 

We should all get together or something. I would love to make friends with ladies who are going through this and understand. 

I guess it it was a breast cancer thing she was doing. Not sure exactly why faking a pregnancy supports breast cancer? 

@cmckenzie That's what I'm afraid of. If I bring it up I don't want to get hostile with her about it. I don't know if she'll get defensive or tell me to lighten up or what. The last time someone posted something like that I told her it's not funny to some people and some random lady (not the girl that made the post) commented and said "everyone's offended by something, get over it" and I totally lost it on her. It's not just something I can get over. I wish I could. 

Isthisthereallife

@Toby102008 I'm actually just across the boarder in IL. We live right off of 294 and my hubby works in Kenosha. We're up there all the time. 

We should all meet up! I think it would be wonderful!

JamieH2000

@isthistherealife- Can I ask what clinic you are going to? I was seeing someone in MKE, but the IVF clinic she uses in Madison doesn't take my insurance. I had consultations at both Froedert in MKE and Advanced Fertility in Gurnee and decided to go with Advanced Fertility (seeing Dr. Cattenacci) as I just felt a lot more comfortable with her and their success rates are really good.

Maybe we can all get dinner in MKE some evening since its in the middle of everyone!

Toby102008

@isthisthereallife and @jamieh2000 Yes, MKE would be a good place in the middle. I'll pm you both. 

Isthisthereallife

JamieH2000, dinner in MKE would be great!! 

I go to Fertility Center of Illinois. Dr Jacobs is amazing and I've been really happy with his approach thus far. Obviously I can't comment on success rates yet - but he's always listened, been understanding of finances, and been available when need be. 

Toby102008

I'm at froedtert in Menominee Falls. I see Dr. Bosler and she's great. She stayed late one night just to personally do my HSG. 

JamieH2000

I just saw Dr Schoyer at Froedert last week, and liked her, but just felt like the other consultation I had was a better fit (the RE was super friendly and so easy to talk to). Froedert seemed a little more formal/strict and a little more pricey than where I'm going now in Gurnee, IL. They were going to make me repeat tests I already had and go make a special appointment to get a breast exam since it wasn't done for whatever reason during my physical in Feb. I am glad they are thorough, but at 28, I don't think its necessary to see a physician just for a breast exam before doing IVF. Maybe I should have seen Dr. Bosler instead

suchaglencoco

***lurking
@JamieH2000, did you look into the fertility clinic in West Allis? We did our treatments there and they were amazing. We loved the res.

@Toby102008, I'm sorry you have to see a fake pregnancy announcement like that. They're atrocious and I have private messaged people before to make them aware of hurtful it can be to others. And the fact that she used it for some cancer awareness is terrible. 

jkd2388

@Isthisthereallife I also go to Dr. Jacobs at FCI! I go to the Buffalo Grove clinic. I've been happy with him so far as well. 

JamieH2000

@suchaglencoco- I was seeing an RE at a private practice in Wauwautoa (Dr Schell at Milwaukee OBGYN), but had to switch cause she uses Wisconsin Fertility Institute in the Madison area for IVF and they don't take my insurance. Which is really too bad since multiple people have told me they are awesome- including my fertility acupuncturist in Racine who drove 2+ for them for her IVF that was successful on the first try. What is the name of clinic in West Allis? Is it the big Aurora Women's practice?

suchaglencoco

@JamieH2000, I'm going to pm you.

Isthisthereallife

@jkd2388 Oh my gosh, I just saw this! We go to the same clinic. Small world for sure! 

Toby102008

@jamieh2000 I think that's the dr I heard bad things about. Was it a female? My hairdresser went there and saw a female that she said was really cold and should not have been working there. I just can't remember the name. 

@suchaglencoco Love the username. Lol. I'm not sure exactly how faking a pregnancy supports breast cancer? I need to google it and see if it's really something others are doing too. 

Toby102008

https://www.verywell.com/pregnancy-breast-cancer-memes-1960020

So it looks like it's been going on for a couple years now. There definitely needs to be some awareness as to why this isn't funny and doesn't raise any type of awareness. The April fools jokes finally seemed to stop and now this starts? It's just sad. 

jkd2388

That's crazy! You are brave and strong to say something to her. People who aren't going through this need to realize this is not something to joke about. 

JamieH2000

@toby102008- yes the Dr at Froefert was a female. I wouldn't say she was cold... just not as warm as the other RE I saw in Gurnee.. plus I had to start with a resident and then they talked to the RE and then the RE asked similar questions.. so the whole thing was just not ideal. But glad to hear you love your RE and I know Froedert has a great reputation and 2 of my coworkers had success there!

Isthisthereallife

What the heck!!! I just read that link. NOT funny or cool. I also don't get the connection. 

Toby102008

@jamieh2000 It's nice to know that they have a good reputation. Not being from the area originally I really had no idea. My obgyn from Michigan had just recommended them and then we happened to move down here so it was perfect. 

@isthisthereallife I don't get the connection either. It seems silly to me. I work with her Thursday so I am just going to bring it up then and just let her know that I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt anyone by posting it, but it is very offensive and hurtful to those of us struggling with IF. 

@jkd2388 Thank you, we definitely need to bring awareness! 

babylonghorn16

If I saw that on facebook I would post the "I'm NOT 10 weeks and NOT craving Peanut Butter Cups. I wish I was. And I'm sure there are many breast cancer survivors who lost their fertility wishing the same thing." status and then a note about how IM actually going to DO something for breast cancer awareness, instead of just post stupid click bait on facebook. Ridiculous.