Received save the date for wedding on Father's Day weekend--no kids

mjpatzwa

Hi Ladies! Need your thoughts on this! We received an invite to a family wedding that requires a plane ticket for the Saturday before Father's Day next year. This couple is a cousin of my husband's and even though we had a super small wedding and they had only been dating for two months when we got married, when they asked for a plus one at the time (we only invited engaged, dating for extended time, married couples) we obliged and we're happy they both came. But today we received a save the date for their wedding next year and the card explicitly says "adults only" and it is Father's Day weekend--my husband's first. Our baby will be almost nine months old then and I'm not comfortable leaving him/her at home while we leave the state, and if they let us bring him/her we would make a weekend of it and celebrate Father's Day, as well--probably fly back Monday.

As I see it, I think it would be rude to ask for an exception (even though they asked and received one for our wedding--albeit not a baby), so we will have to decline. But my MIL is insistent that we HAVE TO come. I'm almost inclined to tell her the predicament and ask her to talk to her sister (the mother of the groom) and let them figure it out, otherwise we will plan on declining the invite.

I know some people schedule weddings on holiday weekends, but I think it's presumptive and rude to expect people to give up their holiday plans for your wedding. At least it's not on Memorial/Labor/Independence day when it would be super expensive...

Themaritimemama

Given all the factors, I would decline. Regardless of MIL insisting. 

crispy11

I think your initial feeling is right.  Plus, asking to bring a 9 month old is different than asking for a plus one.  If you aren't willing to leave LO, then you can kindly decline.  I was MOH in a wedding a flight away when DD1 was 6 months old and my mom came with us and watched her while we went to the wedding.  It was in florida and we made a fun beach weekend out of it. I don't know if you have an option like that.  I am unfortunate to have babies with Spring birthdays and I have traveled to weddings on DD1's 3rd birthday and DD2's 2nd birthday.  For both weddings, my children weren't invited. It stinks to have to make the decision to leave LO on her birthday, but such is life.  The marrying couple picks the date. I decide if I want to attend. 

tinypikachu

Asking to bring a baby is way different than asking to bring a date, I wouldn't. If you feel this way, just decline. Tell MIL you're just not comfortable leaving the baby so young and on your H's Father's day weekend, of all weekends. 

In my case, because it is Father's day, I'd actually just consider what my DH wants to do with his weekend and make our decision from there.

VeraMali

I'd decline no matter what MIL says. I think it's actually kind of rude to plan a wedding on something like Mother's or Father's day weekend and then tell guests their children aren't welcome. Those are two times a year that you want to celebrate being a parent & be with your kids!

BernieRae

You probably have a lot of time to make a final RSVP, but it's ok to tell MIL or anyone who asks that you may not make it because of the baby and it being Father's Day weekend. You can say this without judgement about the couple's date and adults only decision.  As pp touched on, the bride and groom did what's best for them (and likely immediate family) and you and your husband are free to do what's best for you and your baby. Neither you or the couple should have to feel bad. 

rock1cherry

I got married on Father's Day weekend a few years ago, but we didn't set stipulations on who could come and who couldn't. Originally I didn't like the idea of a million kids, but it was wonderful! We made it special for them by having goodie bags and treats just for them. They stole the show at the reception which was welcome! 

That aside, I think I would have to agree with you. It's his first Father's Day...so it would be a special one. Speak to him to see what his thoughts are. I don't think asking for an exception is a good thing personally.

Pepper6

While it's totally appropriate to plan a child free wedding (and I would not ask to bring baby), they need to keep in mind that a lot of people will decline because of it... Especially on a holiday weekend that is specifically for parents/children. 

So yeah, despite your MIL's insistence, I would not travel out of state without my kid, and definitely not on my Dh's first father's day. 

asht

Usually the no kids is added to save cost particularly on food. If it were me I would ask the worse they will say is no. 

We we were invited to a wedding last year that was no kids and it was a close friend. I made it very clear I would come if I could but couldn't promise I could find a sitter (my mom is the only family member that can babysit my daughter due to severe cat allergies and everybody having cats). I worked out that my mom didn't have to work and could watch her but if not I wouldn't of felt bad not going.

Jillybear82

Weddings are pretty expensive to have, and usually this is because of the catering costs.  Your baby will probably eating the food you provide, so it is not going to need a catered meal and certainly won't need wine service, so it might be worth asking if you can bring your infant. 

However, if I were in your position I would have no qualms about declining the invitation if you can't bring your baby.  If anyone gives you any crap just tell them you are raising your baby to have an understanding that they are a priority in your life, and asking you and your husband to miss spending fathers day with them is not in keeping with that. 

KimmySchmidt

Unless this cousin is particularly close, I would decline. It's your husband's first Father's Day, he should be spending it with his child.

I would absolutely not ask for an exception. Its not like you have a special extenuating circumstance. They said no kids, they know you'll have a kid. I'm sure they know it's Father's Day weekend. What are you really saying? "But please?" 

When you pick a wedding day over a holiday weekend and exclude children, you run the risk of lower attendance. Brides and Grooms usually understand and accept this.

yellowrose314

I would definitely decline, especially considering it's the first Father's Day for your hubby. I have no problem with holiday weekend weddings, but it's FD and then to say no kids? Rude. But as someone else said, I would definitely see what your DH says, maybe he wants to go, and if so, I would leave it up to him to talk to his side of the family about making an exception for your LO.

Thscary

I would personally decline. It's a lot to expect you to travel with a 9 month old or to leave a 9 month old behind while going on such a long trip. I don't think it's rude that they are having it Father's Day weekend. It probably didn't even cross their mind. every weekend from May-September is a popular wedding weekend.

jensou

I wonder if this is a way to keep the guest list down and therefore wedding more affordable without feeling bad for not having invited all the people they wanted /felt obligated to invite? 

Thats not not a very nice speculation on my part but I remember the thing I struggled most with was keeping the guest list down to what we could afford and I wanted to invite everyone I knew to our wedding because I was so excited! And also there were obligatory feelings like if I invite xxx then yyy will feel left out if I don't extend it to them, too. 

hey_clever_girl

mjpatzwa said:

Hi Ladies! Need your thoughts on this! We received an invite to a family wedding that requires a plane ticket for the Saturday before Father's Day next year. This couple is a cousin of my husband's and even though we had a super small wedding and they had only been dating for two months when we got married, when they asked for a plus one at the time (we only invited engaged, dating for extended time, married couples) we obliged and we're happy they both came. But today we received a save the date for their wedding next year and the card explicitly says "adults only" and it is Father's Day weekend--my husband's first. Our baby will be almost nine months old then and I'm not comfortable leaving him/her at home while we leave the state, and if they let us bring him/her we would make a weekend of it and celebrate Father's Day, as well--probably fly back Monday.

As I see it, I think it would be rude to ask for an exception (even though they asked and received one for our wedding--albeit not a baby), so we will have to decline. But my MIL is insistent that we HAVE TO come. I'm almost inclined to tell her the predicament and ask her to talk to her sister (the mother of the groom) and let them figure it out, otherwise we will plan on declining the invite.

I know some people schedule weddings on holiday weekends, but I think it's presumptive and rude to expect people to give up their holiday plans for your wedding. At least it's not on Memorial/Labor/Independence day when it would be super expensive...

I would decline and tell them why. Maybe they will make an exception, maybe they won't. But it won't be you asking for the exception. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my 9 month old, and I definitely wouldn't want to do it over my husbands first Father's Day. Mother in law be damned!

BabyBoyH92016

I personally would decline, and if I were having an "adults only" wedding, I would not be shocked if an out of town couple with a baby declined. It's understandable. 

We had a mostly adults only wedding, but did make an exception for people traveling or with babies. For local people it's easy to get a sitter for the evening, and our local guests looked forward to a child free evening. However, I completely understood that this would not be the case for out of towners, so that's why we included the whole family for those invitations.

charmedlifex3

Lurking from August - When we planned our wedding, we had an adults only wedding, but *if needed* we had arranged with the owner of the inn for her 16 year old daughter to watch any kiddos who were in a similar situation in the bridal suite, which was on site to the ceremony and reception. It would have cost us an additional $100 - to pay the daughter since we had already paid for the room for the night. Our venue had a maximum capacity, and one of my cousins we invited has five kids. Our total wedding was only about 60 people. 
 I would think it is totally appropriate to ask the mother, or even the bride if there was any options for accommodating the children of out of town guests - perhaps they have done something similar, so you can bring the little one along on the trip, if not into the ceremony itself. 

homebird

This probably sounds cold, but it being Father's Day Weekend wouldn't really bother me (or H either). We'd just celebrate another day. BUT I think if you're not comfortable leaving a 9 month old for that long, that would be an issue. I know for me, I'd be breastfeeding, so leaving would be possible, but a real PITA. I'd probably decline.

mamadomino

I would ignore it until I get an actual invitation and deal with it then. 

frogdog06

I'm with @homebird ...not so much it being a holiday, but leaving LO for so long while breastfeeding sounds much worse. Declining shouldn't be an issue - you can always send a thoughtful gift in lieu of your presence. I like @crispy11 suggestion too - making a vacation out of it, if you have someone that can watch LO during the wedding or play tag with DH if you can stay at the wedding site.