Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Step kids?

Posted this in the late-term loss group but this seems like a more active group, so thought I'd try here. 

Im wondering if anyone out there lost their first baby but has stepkids. Maybe it's a stretch, but worth a shot. This has been a really hard weekend- I know it's not really right or fair, but struggling and knowing my husband can't possibly understand what I'm feeling. 

It's been 3 1/2 weeks since our little girl Hope went to heaven at 24 weeks and some moments are already starting to feel better, but I see the kids calling for their dad and know there's no one calling for me and suddenly I feel like I can't breathe.

Re: Step kids?

  • I am sorry for your loss. Ironically I was just telling my dh that I am afraid that we will never have a baby. I love my to step children dearly but a part of me feels sad and pained when I see them together bc I can see the special connection they have with him and know that my relationship with them will always be different. He told me he feels bad bc he doesn't know what to say or how to make it better. So I guess I am saying that I understand where you are coming from. Hug
  • I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, finally got a BFP and it's ectopic. I don't think it's really a fair comparison to losing a child at 24 weeks, but I am also a stepmom with no kids of my own. At the moment, I think I'm still too engulfed in the pain and all the follow up appointments to have considered the loss in the context of the stepfamily, aside from being grateful my stepson is visiting his mom for most of the summer because I really don't have the energy right now to help manage his emotional state. I think the pain is different for us. This just adds to the not-quite-a-"real mom" feeling, and in addition to the other insensitive comments there's always the possibility of the "at least you have (SS)!" comments. My husband is amazing and a great support and he's doing everything he can for me, but he can't quite get it in the same way.

    Your loss is still new and raw. It's totally understandable and normal to have that kind of reaction to watching your husband with his kids. You are not alone. 
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  • Thanks guys! It is just so tough because I know it isn't healthy for me to feel like that. Grieving over her is so hard but ok, but I don't like feeling jealous or bitter or whatever this complex and crappy feeling is. My husband is great and supportive and loved our little girl dearly (though men do process things very differently than women!) but he will never know what I am feeling. And I don't think it's healthy or beneficial for me to try and bring it up.

    I'm so so grateful my husband isn't saying he already has kids and that was way too hard so how about I just be satisfied with step kids. We both want to have another baby when we can, but I actually got very sick so it will probably be a little while before we can try again. As scared as I am (I had a complicated pregnancy throughout and we fought very hard for her) I already am eager to have another baby when it's safe. Just glad I'm not the only one trying to figure this thing out. And yes, I do think an early miscarriage is different from a stillborn, but the longing and desires are still the same! I have a cousin who struggled with infertility for years and just got pregnant and I can relate very much to her. 
  • I am sorry it has been so hard. I am glad that your husband is being supportive. Be sure to be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal physically and emotionally
  • I think you said what lots of us feel but can't quite articulate. I love my step daughter like she is my own. However, my relationship is different t from the one she shares with DH. Even though she has 2 moms I am not her mom. our relationship with our step children will always be different from the ones with their "mom and dad," but it doesn't make them any less special or important. 
  • Im glad to hear from you but I'm sorry you all are hurting too!

    Child loss is a crazy thing. From one moment to the next I don't know how I'm feeling or how I'm supposed to feel. Usually I have the most complex feelings in the world. I didn't know it was possible to feel happy, sad, scared, and at peace all at the same time. Already, most of the time I feel like I can go about my day "normally" but I also feel like 90% of my thoughts are about her and our battle to save her and the battle to save me after she was already gone. I know it'll take more time to "feel normal". 

    Yesterday I brought my stepson to soccer practice for the first time since everything happened and one of the dads asked me how far along I was now and I managed to answer him without crying but it was definitely awkward. I guess the hard part about a miscarriage is no one knows you're hurting and the hard part about a late term loss is everyone knows you're hurting. 
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