Toddler Moms SOS

Bltbear82

Help! My 2 year old (2 years 4 months) has recently started hitting and I'm freaked out. He loves being a big brother and the hitting has never occurred in a situation where we are trying to take care of the baby. It usually happens when we are trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do, like come home after walking the dog or take a bath. 

We've handled it so far by repeating "we don't hit" and "use your words" and that calms him down usually. In cases where he doesn't acknowledge he's done something wrong and he hits a second time we immediately remove him from the situation and have a gentle time out. I'd love to hear other experiences and maybe how anyone has eliminated the behavior?

I'm really nervous obviously because even though it's normal developmentally, no one wants their kid to be a hitter. He's very sweet and usually so gentle. With school starting soon I would love to focus on eliminating the behavior ASAP. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Bellodomani

Oh gosh, I could have written this exact same thing maybe 6-8 months ago. My son is about 6 months older than yours, so I'm thinking it's pretty typical for that age. He would often hit when it was time for a transition, particularly with getting in the car seat (which I imagine you don't have to do very often!). It was really hard for me to deal with as well because he had always been very sweet, and physical aggression is one of those things that just pushes my buttons! 

 It sounds like you're doing exactly what I would recommend, and basically what I did as well. I often use my iPhone timer as a cue for a transition (i.e. "We are going to leave the park in two minutes. I'm setting a timer, and when the timer goes off I want you to come with me with a calm body."). If I saw him getting geared up and frustrated in a way that told me he was about to hit or kick, I would tell him, "I know you don't want to have to take a break on the stairs (our timeout spot), so I need you to calm your body down". I tried to be very consistent about giving him a 2 minute break if he hit even one time, and even though he'd scream the whole time he usually was able to 'reset' and come back from his breaks with a better attitude. 

Other tips- One trick I used with him from my classroom experience- kids have a really hard time learning calming techniques in the moment when they're actually angry, so when he was calm I would teach him how to take deep breaths and blow them out (I said blow on my face like Arlo's daddy in the good dinosaur because he loves that movie, but some people say blow like you're blowing out candles on a birthday cake, or blow like you're blowing a dandelion wish). That way when he's angry in the moment he already has the skill and is able to use it, and that seems to really help. 

If there are predictable transitions/ occurrences that set him off, I try to think of a small incentive for him to transition smoothly i.e. the car seat was always an issue and he looooves music, so I told him if he got into the car seat calmly by the time I counted to 5, he could choose the first song. Now he does that automatically and it works super well. 

He'll be 3 at the end of September and he hasn't done it in a couple of months, so hopefully with time it'll pass! And if it helps to assuage your concerns about starting school, he never once did it at daycare through that whole period, only at home. Kids are typically way better for other adults than their parents. And even if he does hit at school, he sure as hell won't be the only one, I've been teaching preschool for a decade and I've had lots of really good kids who have hit someone and it never changed my opinion of the child.  Sorry for the tome, but it'll be OK mama!!

kbrands7

2yrs 3 months here. Same thing is happening, and we handle it the same way with the addition of identitying feelings and talking about alternative ways to solve it. Then we "practice" before he plays again.

Bltbear82

Thanks @Bellodomani and @kbrands7! It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this. It's my least favorite stage so far because it's so hard to see my little guy frustrated enough to resort to hitting. You both gave great suggestions, I really appreciate it.

It's definitely during transitions, he loves being outside and he, for lack of a better term, totally freaks out when we have to come back inside. And because he's so upset and frustrated he loses all of his language skills. I've started using feeling flash cards so I need to work on those with him more so he can identify and articulate his feelings better when he's not all wound up. Babies are so easy compared to 2 year olds!

vulpini

My son has a rough time with transitions and also with any changes in routine.  It really helps him when we tell him what will happen well in advance and do a 10-5-2 minute set of warnings to prepare him.

JessicaB0627

DD1 went through this. She has a horrible, horrible temper (gets it from her dad, not me! ) and around the same age as your DS she would resort to hitting. Most of the time talking to her and putting her in "the thinking spot" (her school's name for time out) would do the trick. If that didn't work then I would just have to let her throw a fit until she was over it. That works best when I know she's just acting out for attention and I don't want her to choose bad attention. I will put her in her room and not talk to her again until she was done with her fit and calmed down and then we would talk about it after. 

I also like the timer idea. If we're at the park I will tell her she can slide 5 more times or swing 10 more swings. I'll hold up my hand with the number of times she has left so that she has something concrete she can see and understand that when those turns are up it's time to go. She does really well with this approach and we can usually leave the park without any protest. 

Bltbear82

Thanks @JessicaB0627! I'm relieved to hear others have experienced the same behavior. For whatever reason none of my local mom friends have so I felt like a little bit of a monster!

Bellodomani

Another recommendation for any of you dealing with this- the book "how to talk so your child will listen, and listen so your child will talk" is great. Easy read, and has really helped me give my son some skills for reflecting on what he is feeling, and I see him using them all the time now.