Am I being inconsiderate?

sphinx24

My sister is getting married in Punta Cana this November and I was upfront with her that we would be starting IVF this year and that I was getting cancellation insurance in case things went well and we got pregnant of the zika virus got worse. 

Now that we are getting closer to the date all I hear from my mom and sister is that IVF isn't necessary and I will get pregnant but in the mean time my sisters wedding is important and I should be there. She's only going to get married once! 

My my dh and I have been dealing with this for 5 years and I don't want to delay any longer. I don't know if things are going to work or not but I don't want to have not tried. Am I being inconsiderate?

cmm012

I, personally, would not delay IVF. There are all types if things that could push the treatment out once you get started. They should be more understanding. You don't want Zika whether you are currently pregnant or are thinking you will get pregnant.

Angelic789

Hi, hun! I think definitely no! This is the game when time never plays on our side. So this may sound egoistic a bit but you have to care well of your family now. And conceiving your child is much more important than your sister's wedding. It took us long 7 years when we could finally hear the cry of our tiny boy. He's a DE child and is only 1 mo now. But our story stretches far back beginning with my 2 miscarriages in a row 6 years ago. Then I turned to have a rare case of endo and PCOS, my eggs being of a terribly poor quality. We couldn't go on with them, so had to use donor eggs. Our DE experience started in faraway Ukraine, in Biotexcom where after the 3rd att. (I've already mentioned our case was very complicated) we were blessed to hear those rewarding congrats.
So I'll be thinking of you, may God take care and support you every day on this path. And here my heart goes absolutely for you. I'm sure your sister will understand how important this huge process is to you, and will support your point of view. May the procedure be smooth for you, hun. Sending you lots of hugs

mskeenan

I personally don't think you are being inconsiderate . This is a tough situation . While it is her big day and she deserves to call the shots , she should have considered that this would be a concern for you and potentially others coming to the wedding . How long ago did she decide on the location ? Many are advising that people not try to conceive after quite a while after traveling to a place where Zika is a problem . So , not only could this wedding impact your current plan but could make you wait even longer if you were to wait until after you come back . I don't think she is being considerate by taking your struggles into account . I say move forward with your plan and then re evaluate when the time comes . 

FatPony

Nope, you need to put yourself first on this one

Isthisthereallife

@sphinx24 I have to agree with everyone else here. Zika is a big deal. We were going to go on vacation in the Caribbean with another couple this October, however, due to the threat level, it's just not worth the risk. I understand that this is a big deal for your sister - but Zika is no joke and hopefully she can accept that and understand that people attending her wedding need to consider it. Take care of you on this one. 

Another note...what do they mean by "IVF isn't necessary"? I'm guessing you didn't wake up one morning and say, "Hey, let's just go through IVF for the hell of it...that sounds fun!" I'm sorry they're not being more supportive of you in that regard.  

bai-by2019

@sphinx24 I echo everything the ladies said above. Yes, weddings are a big deal, but so is starting a family. I personally waited to start trying so I could be in my friend's wedding. She was in my wedding and was wonderful and I didn't want to be sick or whatever and not be a good bridesmaid like she was to me. It's been a year and now I wish I wouldn't have waited. Every single cycle counts when you're TTC and I personally don't think there are too many things that are more important once you reach that place in your life. People that truly love you should understand that. And Zika is a legit issue. It's nothing to mess around with. It's not made up to scare people; it's a real thing.

A different persective: You would never ask your sister to plan her wedding around your baby, so why is it ok that you be asked to plan your baby around her wedding? Seems like an unfair request to me. Just my 2 cents.

Regardless of what you do, we're here for you. Hang in there!

BrightenMySky

I don't understand what they're saying--if they think you'll just get pregnant and shouldn't do IVF, what does that have to do with Zika?  It's not like Zika is only a risk for people TTC using IVF.  I don't think you're being inconsiderate.  I don't know how big the wedding is, but if there is a long guest list, I have trouble believing that they won't get other declines for this reason.  

devilanne

I agree with everyone else. It's not only a risk to you, it's a risk to ANY woman going to that wedding that may be or plan on getting pregnant, including your sister. Put yourself and your family first. Family is hard but they don't always know what's best. 

KidShrink

You're absolutely not being inconsiderate. It's also a risk to any man attending the wedding as it can be transmitted- so unless your sister isn't planning on trying anytime soon after her wedding, she may be putting herself at risk as well. 

BrightenMySky

I mean, I think it's totally reasonable that the couple getting married might not be thinking of TTC in the immediate future.  The couple should plan the wedding that they want, but they can't throw a fit if someone won't attend for any reason, and particularly this one.  But it's not like if they don't do the wedding there they cannot travel there...my brother is getting married soon in a non-zika location but likely taking a honeymoon to a zika spot.  

sphinx24

@Isthisthereallife- my family is divided on my decision. My mom and sister think that it will just "happen" that if I relaxed and stopped worrying it would be fine. My sister was in a similar situation to myself when she was younger and not thinking of starting a family. The doctors thought she would never have kids and she had a lot of health concerns where at 24 they had seriously considered throwing her into early menopause to help the symptoms. I still ended up with a beautiful niece. She thinks if it can happen to her it can happen to me and it's a waste of money. 

Thanks for all the input everyone! I'm just going to hold strong to my position and hope my sister and mom understand one day. 

PS..... Is it awful that when my mom said "you don't want to miss her wedding, it's a once in a lifetime event" I wanted to respond with I'm sure I'll have 2 or 3 more opportunities? 

adunkin

FWIW, I think you should move forward with IVF and trip cancellation (because all international travel while pregnant should have good extra insurance for cancellation or medical care in case of emergency - but pregnancy isn't always covered so read the fine print!).

However, I would reevaluate (closer to the time) cancelling just because of a fear of Zika. I live in San Diego. If the predictions are to be believed, we're pretty much guaranteed to have Zika by the end of this summer. The true outbreaks are happening in populations lacking basic protections from bites (window screens, bed nets, DEET, etc) and those who simply don't try to avoid mosquito bites because they are just a way of life. There is a list of approved insect repellent for Zika safe during pregnancy. With planning, light weight covering clothing, etc, the risk to your pregnancy is less than the risk you take getting in the car to drive anywhere. I know the media has covered Zika with crazy amounts of hype, but the reality of it isn't nearly as scary.

Good luck dealing with your family! I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to still face those "ideas" and opinions about your fertility 5 years later.

Boots&Co

You have to take care of yourself! Your family should support this decision, but it sounds like they're swept up in wedding planning bliss. Zika can affect you for 5 years after you get it, I wouldn't risk my future for that. 

Kay6519

You have to think about yourself and the possible ramifications of Zika, especially when you throw IF into the mix. You are definitely not being inconsiderate at all!