Mixed feelings on TTC

CraftyG

Hi everyone, sorry if this is the wrong place to post just looking for a bit of reassurance. We had a loss back in January and it's both hit us really hard but in different ways, for me I can't seem to get past the thought of trying for another baby but FI can't think of anything worse right now and he doesn't even like talking about babies.

We're engaged so I've thrown myself Into wedding planning and organising everything for us to buy a house and it did help for a little while but these feelings are so strong and I guess it all comes down to that we're grieving differently. In FI's ideal world he wants to wait until after we're married (which I agree) but doesn't want to set a date for 2 years and I dont know how I'm going to wait that long... 

Did anyone else experience this and did anything help, or how did you overcome it? 

chloe97

Welcome and I'm sorry for your loss. 

You didn't mention your age, so my story may not resonate with you, but I can somewhat relate. I met my husband when I was 33, we decided a year later we would get married and then he took 2 years to propose (he was adament we'd be married before TTC). I was 36 when we were married and started TTC right away. I'm lucky that I had no problems getting pregnant, but I've had 2 late 1st tri losses. Now I'm 37 and faced with some really tough decisions about starting fertility treatments in order to preserve my fertility to ensure we have 2 kids. Fertility treatments that I probably never would have needed if we had started trying 2 years earlier. I'm very bitter about it and H and I are in counseling because of it. I feel like he pushed me in a corner and I'm set up to fail.

I tell you you this story because you may be able to be ok with waiting right now as you focus on other things, BUT if things go wrong with future pregnancies, the bitterness and the blame game will take over your relationship. I recommend getting counseling now to try to understand where he's coming from now so that you guys can come to the decision about when you TTC together and it doesn't become a huge issue down the road.

AandDM2014

Like PP said, you did not mention your age (like if you're 16 you can probably wait two years before ttc, but if you're 40, you probably can't) but I'll tell you a bit about DH and myself: I was 20 when we met, he was 23. We dated for 6 weeks, got engaged, and got married 6 months later. We waited for almost 4 years after getting married to ttc, because we were not financially ready for a baby before that. I personally don't understand anyone who wants to be engaged for years, but to each his own. It seems as though you two were already ttc, since you've had a loss, so why would you decide to stop now and wait two more years until you are married? I think you should both talk to a neutral third party if you can't decide together about how to proceed.

CraftyG

Sorry I'm 22 and we've been together since shool, we were using BC but had an unplanned pregnancy that we lost at 13 weeks. It's hit FI in the way where he doesn't think he can go through with it again so wants to focus on the wedding so time will pass but I can't stop thinking about TTC. 

We obviously won't try anything until we're both on the same page but we're just reacting in completely different ways so it makes it so difficult. Thank you so much for your advice! 

Cmckenzie

I am 23 and I got married at 20. Our first pregnancy was a few months after we got married and it wasn't intentional, but I was so thrilled. This resulted in a chemical pregnancy. Since then I have gone on to have 5 more. I tell you this, because few people expect to have a hard time trying to conceive. This is something you should talk about and face together, because its hard enough facing  loss and/or infertility when you are on the same page and supporting one another. This is not to worry you, I just want you to know what I wish I had known. I agree you may want to find someone who you can both talk to, it can be very helpful!