Leaving the workforce / transition to sahm

kathleenkat

Due to my company's "maternity leave" policy (6 weeks) I am considering leaving the workforce when baby comes, so I can have the time I feel is best to bond with and raise the child in the first few months of life. 

This brings a myriad of other concerns, like adjusting to not having my own money for one. I have never not worked, not since age 15, and I have always had my own money. It is going to be huge adjustment to ask for money from my husband. 

There is also the resume concern, with the gap in employment. I don't know what to say as the reasons for leaving my employer that would be appropriate. My goal is to look for jobs and return to work around 6 months, but i have never actually quit a job in my life so I'm not sure what to say. All I know is from the other side, quitting without having a job to transition to looks bad on an application.

Anyone else dealing with these concerns and a potential transition from working to stay at home mom? Anyone transition from stay at home back into the workforce?

LGW2015

I definitely understand not wanting to be forced back to work after 6 weeks! As a FTM I can't even begin to figure out how long I will feel I need to stay home with baby once he's here! But I definitely don't think I would feel comfortable with 6 weeks. I'm thinking months like you. Again, as a FTM I don't have experience with this yet but I would imagine the fact that you had a child/maternity leave is a good reason why you quit your job and a good explanation as to gap in employment on your resume. If you explain it in a cover letter to a potential employer once you start looking for work again, I can't imagine someone really challenging that as an invalid reason. I'm sure it also depends on how long the gap is, but 6 months doesn't sound like a big deal to me. As for the money thing, I can't really comment on that because DH and I have never viewed money as "mine" and "yours". It's all just ours regardless of who earned it. So for us, the only concern would be that enough money was coming in.

nlane0723

Have you asked your employer for a more flexible schedule? Perhaps working from home until
baby is 6 months? I went back to work at 5 weeks with DD (partner left and they needed help), but I worked from home until DD was 12 weeks and then I brought her to work with me until she was about 6 months and sporadically thereafter.

Why would you need to "ask" your husband for money? It's a marriage, not a partnership. What's his is yours and vice versa.

kathleenkat

Because we have own own separate bank accounts and incomes. Neither one of us has ever supported the other. This has worked for us 9 years, it may be different from your marriage but that doesn't mean you get to judge. 

Yes, there will be a transition from the old norm to the new norm. This is a new experience which is why I ask if other have or are going through similar experiences. Sure, there might be less of an transition if we handled our finances in a more traditional manner, but we don't.

And yes, I have exhausted all my options at work. Wfh is not an option at my current employer. Leaving the workforce is an informed decision.

ibabyloveb87

I have thought about this as well, but there are few good jobs like mine in our area so I'm not sure i would be able to come back. Therefore I'm using FMLA and vacation time combined to get to 12 weeks aside from the 6 weeks provided. 

I also don't think that leaving work due to a child is something a future employee would judge you for...especially if it's explained in a cover letter. I feel like a lot of women struggle with the work/family balance and many have left working to go back again, whether it's a couple months or a couple of years. 

If you feel like you need additional maternity leave, I would definitely talk to your boss first. Maybe they will be able to work something out for you! Good luck. 

gatorMom2014

I went from full time to part time, and would strongly recommend seeing whether this is an option for you.  Also, if you are seriously considering leaving, it couldn't hurt to ask if they would allow you to take an extended unpaid absence.  Likely not an option, but it doesn't hurt to ask.  

Also, if you make this decision you should really try to reframe your thinking about it as his money vs my money.  It is your shared money, and presumably if you make this change it will be with his input and support for the benefit of your family. 

cassieleeanne

I agree the gap in work history won't be a problem at all, if you wait years maybe but six months won't be bad at all. Most places understand women need time after a baby is born to bond, I say go for it if you can do it.

nlane0723

First of all, I wasn't judging. Since you're clearly taking a defensive side to my suggestions, I'll refrain from responding. Good luck.

CopperBoom86

kathleenkat said:

This brings a myriad of other concerns, like adjusting to not having my own money for one. I have never not worked, not since age 15, and I have always had my own money. It is going to be huge adjustment to ask for money from my husband. 

This sounds like a good time to marry your finances. I've worked since I was 14, but once we got married, what's mine is his and what's his is mine. It's fine that it's worked for you thus far, but since you're not going to be bringing in any income, the logical thing to do would be to merge everything. Then you won't have to "ask for money." 

About the time gap affecting your resume... others are right. It shouldn't be a problem as long as you explain it. If it is, then maybe those are not the kind of people you should be working for anyway. 

kathleenkat

nlane0723 said:

First of all, I wasn't judging. Since you're clearly taking a defensive side to my suggestions, I'll refrain from responding. Good luck.

Thanks! It is a very judgy thing to proclaim what a marriage is or isn't, by the way.

kathleenkat

CopperBoom86 said:

kathleenkat said:

This brings a myriad of other concerns, like adjusting to not having my own money for one. I have never not worked, not since age 15, and I have always had my own money. It is going to be huge adjustment to ask for money from my husband. 

This sounds like a good time to marry your finances. I've worked since I was 14, but once we got married, what's mine is his and what's his is mine. It's fine that it's worked for you thus far, but since you're not going to be bringing in any income, the logical thing to do would be to merge everything. Then you won't have to "ask for money." 

About the time gap affecting your resume... others are right. It shouldn't be a problem as long as you explain it. If it is, then maybe those are not the kind of people you should be working for anyway. 

I have no idea what to do with all my investments. I wonder if merging finances would be worthwhile if my unemployment is temporary. We only share money on the house, but in an "I'll pick up the drywall after work if you pay the mortgage this month" way, not a "here's the bank account take whatever monies" way. It is as foreign to him to support someone as it is to me, to be supported. We simply do not know how to approach it and therefore I feel like I would need to ask "can I use this to buy" or "is there enough money leftover for." 

kathleenkat

I suppose I wouldn't want to work for an employer who considers leaving to care for a child as an unacceptable gap. The things I hear on the other side though... like "This person had a runny nose," it's unbelievable the crap that applicants are disqualified for behind the scenes.

blaf322

There is no need to go into great detail with a potential future employer. Let them know you wanted to be a SAHM when you found out you were pregnant but after 6 months of it, you realize it's not for you and are excited to return to the workforce. This will not only explain the gap in employment but also make them feel reassured that with future pregnancies, you aren't going to want to do the same (even if maybe that is your plan). Also, I think there's a tactful way of explaining this in your cover letter so they don't jump to conclusions when they look at your resume.

As as someone who pays a lot of attention to length of time spent with companies (so are you jumping ship often) and gaps in employment... it's something that would make complete sense to me and wouldn't be something I put anymore thought into after understanding the gap.

LauraPCOS

My husband and I have separate bank accounts as well (for tax reasons), but I think it just needs to be communicated.  In my relationship, we obviously cover our bills first, sometimes with his pay other times with mine, but we just look at "okay what bills do we have and where does the money come from so we have enough to get to the next paycheque" but it's the luxury things that start to feel like "my money" vs "his money".  So I get it.  I think it just needs to be talked about.  Maybe for the time you're a SAHM you can open a joint account (now for example) and both put money into it when able, this way you won't feel like you have to ask him for $20 to go out for coffee with a friend.  But if you feel like you have to ask him for money, or that he has to pay you or give you an allowance like a child, definitely talk to him about your feelings because maybe he has some ideas to bridge the financial awkwardness.

May I ask what field of work you do?  How is the job market at the moment with your kinds of job?  Your field might dictate how you go about reentering the work force.

simcal18

kathleenkat said:

CopperBoom86 said:

kathleenkat said:

This brings a myriad of other concerns, like adjusting to not having my own money for one. I have never not worked, not since age 15, and I have always had my own money. It is going to be huge adjustment to ask for money from my husband. 

This sounds like a good time to marry your finances. I've worked since I was 14, but once we got married, what's mine is his and what's his is mine. It's fine that it's worked for you thus far, but since you're not going to be bringing in any income, the logical thing to do would be to merge everything. Then you won't have to "ask for money." 

About the time gap affecting your resume... others are right. It shouldn't be a problem as long as you explain it. If it is, then maybe those are not the kind of people you should be working for anyway. 

I have no idea what to do with all my investments. I wonder if merging finances would be worthwhile if my unemployment is temporary. We only share money on the house, but in an "I'll pick up the drywall after work if you pay the mortgage this month" way, not a "here's the bank account take whatever monies" way. It is as foreign to him to support someone as it is to me, to be supported. We simply do not know how to approach it and therefore I feel like I would need to ask "can I use this to buy" or "is there enough money leftover for." 

You and your DH are going through two major upcoming life transitions.  One is that you will no longer be working.  The other is that you are bringing a baby into this world.  Either one of these on its own would be a good reason to re-evaluate how you manage money between the two of you.  Together, they absolutely demand a serious money talk.  Who's going to pay for baby gear?  Diapers?  Day care if/when you go back to work?  Is he comfortable paying for all of things that you pay for now once you're no longer bringing in income, or will those expenses come out of savings?  What will your monthly budget be, and how are the two of you going to ensure that you stick to it?

No one is judging you for keeping your money separate.  And no one is saying that merging finances has to be an all-or-nothing thing -- just because you have a joint checking account or share a credit card doesn't mean you have to join up all your investment accounts.  Hell, DH and I still have separate checking accounts -- we opened up a joint one when we got married, but it's still sitting there unused with the original $50 that we put into it because the system we had in place before we were married has continued to work well.  All anyone is saying is that if you are moving from being in the workforce without a child to out of the workforce with a child, and particularly if you are worried about having to "ask" your husband for money, it's probably a good idea to reevaluate how finances are being managed.

kathleenkat

LauraPCOS said:

My husband and I have separate bank accounts as well (for tax reasons), but I think it just needs to be communicated.  In my relationship, we obviously cover our bills first, sometimes with his pay other times with mine, but we just look at "okay what bills do we have and where does the money come from so we have enough to get to the next paycheque" but it's the luxury things that start to feel like "my money" vs "his money".  So I get it.  I think it just needs to be talked about.  Maybe for the time you're a SAHM you can open a joint account (now for example) and both put money into it when able, this way you won't feel like you have to ask him for $20 to go out for coffee with a friend.  But if you feel like you have to ask him for money, or that he has to pay you or give you an allowance like a child, definitely talk to him about your feelings because maybe he has some ideas to bridge the financial awkwardness.

May I ask what field of work you do?  How is the job market at the moment with your kinds of job?  Your field might dictate how you go about reentering the work force.

I work in marketing/communications. Lots of jobs throughout many industries. My last two employers have been in the shipping/transportation industries while I have worked in the computer storage industry in the past. My major concern is the appearance of "job hopping" due to having 3 jobs (not by choice) in the past year (past 18 months by the time baby is born). 

CopperBoom86

kathleenkat said:

I have no idea what to do with all my investments. I wonder if merging finances would be worthwhile if my unemployment is temporary. We only share money on the house, but in an "I'll pick up the drywall after work if you pay the mortgage this month" way, not a "here's the bank account take whatever monies" way. It is as foreign to him to support someone as it is to me, to be supported. We simply do not know how to approach it and therefore I feel like I would need to ask "can I use this to buy" or "is there enough money leftover for." 

I think you could leave your investments as they are for the time being. And learning to share money is really not that complicated. There will be an adjustment period, for sure, but since it's the way the vast majority of married couples handle their finances, I'm certain you'll figure it out! 

In regards to your last sentence, I've never once asked my husband either of those questions. He physically pays all the bills, but I know what they are and when they'll come out of the account. Mobile banking makes being unaware of what's going on with your finances nearly impossible. So once you merge everything and become aware of what comes in and out on a monthly basis, you should be fine. 

If you choose not to merge your finances, then you'll have to deal with having to basically ask for an allowance each week for at least six months. I would think that would be more difficult for you and him to adjust to considering how financially independent you are. 

blaf322

kathleenkat said:

LauraPCOS said:

My husband and I have separate bank accounts as well (for tax reasons), but I think it just needs to be communicated.  In my relationship, we obviously cover our bills first, sometimes with his pay other times with mine, but we just look at "okay what bills do we have and where does the money come from so we have enough to get to the next paycheque" but it's the luxury things that start to feel like "my money" vs "his money".  So I get it.  I think it just needs to be talked about.  Maybe for the time you're a SAHM you can open a joint account (now for example) and both put money into it when able, this way you won't feel like you have to ask him for $20 to go out for coffee with a friend.  But if you feel like you have to ask him for money, or that he has to pay you or give you an allowance like a child, definitely talk to him about your feelings because maybe he has some ideas to bridge the financial awkwardness.

May I ask what field of work you do?  How is the job market at the moment with your kinds of job?  Your field might dictate how you go about reentering the work force.

I work in marketing/communications. Lots of jobs throughout many industries. My last two employers have been in the shipping/transportation industries while I have worked in the computer storage industry in the past. My major concern is the appearance of "job hopping" due to having 3 jobs (not by choice) in the past year (past 18 months by the time baby is born). 

tbh, this would be a concern for me (the job hopping issue) more than the extended maternity leave gap. That said, you have to do what's right for you and your family. If the benefits outweigh the risks, do it. But understand that there's going to be time between when you start looking for a job and when you actually get one. With the job hopping, that might be a longer gap. So some things to think about:

1. can you afford for your time away to be more than the 6 months you've outlined? If not, reconsider. 
2. Are you going to start looking during that 6 month period or after? If during, is it really worth it for all the interview/job hunt stress you'll go through?

Not judging here... just offering up some things to consider.

LauraPCOS

kathleenkat said:

LauraPCOS said:

My husband and I have separate bank accounts as well (for tax reasons), but I think it just needs to be communicated.  In my relationship, we obviously cover our bills first, sometimes with his pay other times with mine, but we just look at "okay what bills do we have and where does the money come from so we have enough to get to the next paycheque" but it's the luxury things that start to feel like "my money" vs "his money".  So I get it.  I think it just needs to be talked about.  Maybe for the time you're a SAHM you can open a joint account (now for example) and both put money into it when able, this way you won't feel like you have to ask him for $20 to go out for coffee with a friend.  But if you feel like you have to ask him for money, or that he has to pay you or give you an allowance like a child, definitely talk to him about your feelings because maybe he has some ideas to bridge the financial awkwardness.

May I ask what field of work you do?  How is the job market at the moment with your kinds of job?  Your field might dictate how you go about reentering the work force.

I work in marketing/communications. Lots of jobs throughout many industries. My last two employers have been in the shipping/transportation industries while I have worked in the computer storage industry in the past. My major concern is the appearance of "job hopping" due to having 3 jobs (not by choice) in the past year (past 18 months by the time baby is born). 

Oh ya I hear ya, the concern of being viewed as not long term employability definitely can suck.  I like bnsmith's idea where she said to tactfully explain that you felt ready to be a SAHM but after 6 months realized you are more productive/successful/*enter employability word* in the work force and decided to return.  Even if that's not the whole truth, who ever tells the whole truth on their resume? Everything is embleshed to make them look good, so don't be afraid to do the same. 

kathleenkat

My husband and I are considering using MINT to manage the finances. You don't have to actually merge anything but can see all the accounts and expenses from various financial institutions. Anyone use the app?

The job hopping is a concern. I definitely am not a job hopper, but first I was laid off due to company restructuring, then the job I took following was only a temporary job. Now, the job I have, baby comes 7 months after I started. I feel like I have a lot of explaining to do, when most places will glance at the resume and see "job hopper, next!"

Thanks, you've given me a lot to consider. 6 months is the estimate based on how long it has taken me to find a job in the past, I'll start applying after 3 months. Of course this can all change once babycomes. We can afford me staying home longer, but it is a huge system shock because that is half our income with me leaving the workforce. 

CopperBoom86

simcal18 said:

You and your DH are going through two major upcoming life transitions.  One is that you will no longer be working.  The other is that you are bringing a baby into this world.  Either one of these on its own would be a good reason to re-evaluate how you manage money between the two of you.  Together, they absolutely demand a serious money talk.  Who's going to pay for baby gear?  Diapers?  Day care if/when you go back to work?  Is he comfortable paying for all of things that you pay for now once you're no longer bringing in income, or will those expenses come out of savings?  What will your monthly budget be, and how are the two of you going to ensure that you stick to it?

No one is judging you for keeping your money separate.  And no one is saying that merging finances has to be an all-or-nothing thing -- just because you have a joint checking account or share a credit card doesn't mean you have to join up all your investment accounts.  Hell, DH and I still have separate checking accounts -- we opened up a joint one when we got married, but it's still sitting there unused with the original $50 that we put into it because the system we had in place before we were married has continued to work well.  All anyone is saying is that if you are moving from being in the workforce without a child to out of the workforce with a child, and particularly if you are worried about having to "ask" your husband for money, it's probably a good idea to reevaluate how finances are being managed.

All of this. Especially what's highlighted! I also don't think anyone here was judging you. My thoughts were the same as @nlane0723 's when I first read your post. Not because I was judging your lifestyle, but because I genuinely don't understand how you would divide things up fairly. It seems like you'd be constantly striking deals with your partner, which is a strange concept to most. 

DH and I tried keeping our finances separate just after we got married and we got into sooooo many fights about it because no matter how hard you try, your contributions and spendings are never going to be the same. It gives me anxiety just thinking about how horrible that time in our relationship was lol. 

At the end of the day, you should do whatever works for you, but be realistic. Don't decide not to merge just because "you don't know how." That's ludicrous. You seem like an intelligent person who would have no problem figuring it out. 

booksandicecream

I agree with everyone else that you could swing it if you need /want to. 
Regarding separate finances, this is VERY common in Europe. Most couples don't marry until they want to start a family, or not at all, so a huge number of couples have separate accounts. Most couples just split 50/50 or each person has those things they pay for. You likely have savings in your account, but obviously his account will have to pick up more when you're not working. If I were you I'd sit down with him and split up the bills. If he supports your decision to stay home I'm sure he'd be glad to work it out. Good luck! 

kathleenkat

He's definitely supportive. It's just something I'm not culturally used to, merging finances. We've always just split things half and half. I definitely have the savings for it, and I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. 

Anyone have testimonials to the emotional side of adjusting? The lack of financial independence, it's the emotional part that I think will be hardest for me.

ignoscemihi

My husband and I lived together for seven years before we got married.  We kept our finances separate for that whole period.  When we got married, we got a joint account, but kept separate accounts as well.  Eventually, because my husband was making twice as much money as I was, I gave up my separate account, but he kept his (at my insistence).  When my son was born, we decided I'd stay home and he added me to his separate account - so now we have two joint accounts. 

It's still really difficult sometimes because I was raised to be independent and I feel like my husband is supporting me and I'm not contributing anything, but it made more sense financially for me to stay home than to pay more for day care than I would bring in.  I can understand why you might be hesitant to give up your income because you don't want to feel like you have to ask for money.  It's a mindset that's difficult to get out of - that because you're not bringing in an income, you're not contributing.  But trust me, you will be contributing.  Staying at home is work and it is valuable.  And if it makes you feel better, you can think of it as saving the cost of day care for the period you're at home.

mothernorth

kathleenkat said:

He's definitely supportive. It's just something I'm not culturally used to, merging finances. We've always just split things half and half. I definitely have the savings for it, and I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. 

Anyone have testimonials to the emotional side of adjusting? The lack of financial independence, it's the emotional part that I think will be hardest for me.

I have been a SAHM for a year now, and I still have "job envy" and sometimes wonder if this was the right thing to do. I'm also a student, but only part time so my only income is grants and scholarships. School and parenting have become my career for now, but once I graduate I definitely look forward to having a career OUTSIDE of my home again. Before FI and I met, I was completely independent and used to my own money as well much like yourself. I enjoy working, I enjoy earning money, and probably most of all being incorporated into society. The hardest part of being a SAHM to ME is the feeling of isolation. No, I'm not shackled to my house, but it's just not the same as working and interacting with a variety of other adult human beings!

ibabyloveb87

I want to be a SAHM! You can come do my job @AllyTheKid

I do have a separate checking account still, but that's just money I use out of my paycheck to buy unnecessary items...or totally necessary items like baby clothes that are too cute to resist!

We sometimes pull extra money out of it if we have an expensive month too. But normally I just deposit and predetermined amount into our joint account at each paycheck. Separate accounts are fine as long as you know and agree on how things will work for contribution. I do wonder where my "fun" money will come from if I am not working since I do usually just use what's in my separate account, but that's a discussion we will have when the SAHM option becomes more realistic in a couple of years (as long as all continues the way it is now of course). My DH is very financially oriented so he's probably already figured that all out. 

Edited bc having "do do" in there made me giggle. 

queen_frostine

I have no advice on the job movement but I am one of those people who have separate accounts from my husband. He pays the mortgage and his truck payment, I pay most of the other bills. We make and spend about the same amount of money, but I don't keep track. If I were in your position, I would just make him give me a credit card on one of his accounts (we have separate credit cards, too) and the password so I could double check my purchases went through. OR I'd put everything on my card but give him the info to make the payment. He'd probably be more upset that I was looking over *his* spending than eager to look over mine!

This works for us because while we view our assets as shared, we both like to be in control, so we both pretty much get to be.

vanessa11411

DH and I also keep separate finances. It works for us. We split all the bills in half and keep it as fair as possible. We've tried the whole Joint account and it just did not work out at all.

I would see about talking to work about a modified work schedule or being able to work from home for a bit.

Pupatella

I agree with what everyone else has said. Just wanted to offer up what me and DH are doing as an example.

Definitely sit down with your H and discuss everything - it took us a couple conversations to come up with this, but we both agreed together that this is the best option.

Just like you, we keep all of our finances separate, and split bills down the middle. Yes, even the crib we bought for the upcoming baby, he bought half and I bought half. Our salaries are very comparable, and I actually like having everything separate, and we don't plan to change this going forward. We are both responsible financially, but I also love having financial independence.

When the baby comes, we agreed it would be best for me to take 3 months off. My job gives me 2 months, so I will be taking 1 month of unpaid leave. For that 1 month, DH will be transferring into my bank account 1/2 of his paychecks, so we will still be splitting bills (even though that month it's really all coming from him), plus it gives me the flexibility to go to the grocery store or get a cup of coffee without asking him for money. 

Just fyi, we both have savings, and there is really no reason for me to ask him for money for 1 month, as I could take one month's salary out of my savings, but he didn't find it fair that I take that entire hit. I agreed, and this was the solution we found that was the best for us.

Just wanted to give you an option to discuss with your H if you like what we came up with.

Best of luck with the finances and the upcoming job search!! 

kathleenkat

vanessa11411 said:

DH and I also keep separate finances. It works for us. We split all the bills in half and keep it as fair as possible. We've tried the whole Joint account and it just did not work out at all.

I would see about talking to work about a modified work schedule or being able to work from home for a bit.

I have already exhausted all my options at work. Asking this what I would, and have, done. The decision to leave my job is an informed decision. I get 6 weeks of unpaid leave, that's it. No work from home, no fmla, no flex schedule, no part time. I have learned that accepting a job here may have been a mistake!

Thanks for the advise all. H and I share a credit card and one joint account for home expenses, but our unshared expenses make up the bulk of our spending and thus we have separate accounts. For example, why should H pay for the car I bought before we married? Why should I pay for his car repairs on a car I neither drive nor am insured on? I get that we're married and share the burden, blah blah blah, but that is something easier said than done for me.

It's the emotional aspect of not being able to contribute financially AND have to rely on someone else that is hard for me. I have been independent my entire adult life so it's very nerve wreaking. Of course I have my career to worry about too...

Pupatella

kathleenkat said:

vanessa11411 said:

DH and I also keep separate finances. It works for us. We split all the bills in half and keep it as fair as possible. We've tried the whole Joint account and it just did not work out at all.

I would see about talking to work about a modified work schedule or being able to work from home for a bit.

I have already exhausted all my options at work. Asking this what I would, and have, done. The decision to leave my job is an informed decision. I get 6 weeks of unpaid leave, that's it. No work from home, no fmla, no flex schedule, no part time. I have learned that accepting a job here may have been a mistake!

Thanks for the advise all. H and I share a credit card and one joint account for home expenses, but our unshared expenses make up the bulk of our spending and thus we have separate accounts. For example, why should H pay for the car I bought before we married? Why should I pay for his car repairs on a car I neither drive nor am insured on? I get that we're married and share the burden, blah blah blah, but that is something easier said than done for me.

It's the emotional aspect of not being able to contribute financially AND have to rely on someone else that is hard for me. I have been independent my entire adult life so it's very nerve wreaking. Of course I have my career to worry about too...

Could your H take unpaid leave instead and still keep his job if he took 6 months off? Just trying to think of it from a completely different perspective.

I hear what you are saying about the car, but the reason your H should pay your car note, and you should pay for his car repairs is because you two are a team. Plus, you want your baby and your husband to be safe when riding in his car. Your H should want to help you with your car note if you are not working because first, once again you guys are a team, but second, you are using that car to get your baby around.

My H was part of the government shutdown with no pay a couple of years ago (I think we were engaged at the time, but we may have just been dating - time really blends). I helped him out without even a second thought, and he has done the same for me throughout the years.

I know it's really hard, but try not to think of things as "his" or "yours", and instead try thinking of it as "ours". I'd really try thinking with more of a "we are a team" mentality!!

Blonde1817

@kathleenkat DH and I have totally combined finances and that is way easier for us, but I know a lot of people who have separate accounts and that works well for them too.  We do use the mint app/website and I would highly recommend it!  It's great for setting a budget and getting a big picture perspective of you finances.  And you can set budgets for separate categories so I'd imagine that would make it easier for couples with separate finances too.

PrimRoseMama

kathleenkat said:

Because we have own own separate bank accounts and incomes. Neither one of us has ever supported the other. This has worked for us 9 years, it may be different from your marriage but that doesn't mean you get to judge. 

Yes, there will be a transition from the old norm to the new norm. This is a new experience which is why I ask if other have or are going through similar experiences. Sure, there might be less of an transition if we handled our finances in a more traditional manner, but we don't.

And yes, I have exhausted all my options at work. Wfh is not an option at my current employer. Leaving the workforce is an informed decision.

I worked for a long time until leaving the work force to SAHM in 2011. One thing you might consider is having that talk about your feelings to your husband. Open communication about mutual respect about money can only help you. Your shift in working will have to shift thinking about money. It will no longer just be His Money or Your Money.

You are still working-- you just don't bring home money to put in the bank. Your contributions are just as valuable. So you should have that conversation so you reframe the thinking of asking for money. If you feel more comfortable the two of you can budget your "salary" monthly. You can still have "your share" deposited into your bank account. It's just your spouse writing the check or giving you cash vs. a third party. 

PrimRoseMama

kathleenkat said:

vanessa11411 said:

DH and I also keep separate finances. It works for us. We split all the bills in half and keep it as fair as possible. We've tried the whole Joint account and it just did not work out at all.

I would see about talking to work about a modified work schedule or being able to work from home for a bit.

I have already exhausted all my options at work. Asking this what I would, and have, done. The decision to leave my job is an informed decision. I get 6 weeks of unpaid leave, that's it. No work from home, no fmla, no flex schedule, no part time. I have learned that accepting a job here may have been a mistake!

Thanks for the advise all. H and I share a credit card and one joint account for home expenses, but our unshared expenses make up the bulk of our spending and thus we have separate accounts. For example, why should H pay for the car I bought before we married? Why should I pay for his car repairs on a car I neither drive nor am insured on? I get that we're married and share the burden, blah blah blah, but that is something easier said than done for me.

It's the emotional aspect of not being able to contribute financially AND have to rely on someone else that is hard for me. I have been independent my entire adult life so it's very nerve wreaking. Of course I have my career to worry about too...

I do understand this struggle internally. 

Realize that once you start SAHM that you will understand quickly that financial powers/weights are not the sole thing that determines contribution/weight/wealth to the family unit. 

NoraAurora

AllyTheKid said:

kathleenkat said:

He's definitely supportive. It's just something I'm not culturally used to, merging finances. We've always just split things half and half. I definitely have the savings for it, and I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. 

Anyone have testimonials to the emotional side of adjusting? The lack of financial independence, it's the emotional part that I think will be hardest for me.

I have been a SAHM for a year now, and I still have "job envy" and sometimes wonder if this was the right thing to do. I'm also a student, but only part time so my only income is grants and scholarships. School and parenting have become my career for now, but once I graduate I definitely look forward to having a career OUTSIDE of my home again. Before FI and I met, I was completely independent and used to my own money as well much like yourself. I enjoy working, I enjoy earning money, and probably most of all being incorporated into society. The hardest part of being a SAHM to ME is the feeling of isolation. No, I'm not shackled to my house, but it's just not the same as working and interacting with a variety of other adult human beings!

@AllyTheKid - I'm not a 100% SAHM but I've been working very part time (like 7-8 days/month) and in online school full time, plus being the majority parent for DS since last October -  and I can verify that it's way harder than it was when I was just working. Solidarity. 

Schell2013

I've been struggling with being a SAHM for a few years now. I've been home for over 3 now and I think it can be one of those things that's not for everyone. I like you have hated not having my own money and though my husband has never said anything about what I buy I still feel guilty buying myself anything. 
I struggle to get out of the house to meet people and everytjme we go to a mommy meet up my kids are sick for weeks by the time it makes its way through both kids. I also find in my experiences at them that they are clicky and all they talk about is how awesome their kid is and how awesome it is to stay home all day and watch them grow. 
While i love a lot of aspects of being a SAHM I have completely lost my identity as an individual. I miss working as much as I like not having my kids in daycare cause I know nothing bad is going to happen to them. It's a struggle, I don't feel I have tons of advice cause I find I have never really truly fell into the grove of being home but just wanted to say for me personally it's been hard and lonely.

juliehollz13

You can always open a 2ndary joint bank account so that part of his pay goes into it for household expenses and baby/you expenses that way you both have access to it but you don't have to "ask" for diaper money or what not. 

kathleenkat

Schell2013 said:

I've been struggling with being a SAHM for a few years now. I've been home for over 3 now and I think it can be one of those things that's not for everyone. I like you have hated not having my own money and though my husband has never said anything about what I buy I still feel guilty buying myself anything. 
I struggle to get out of the house to meet people and everytjme we go to a mommy meet up my kids are sick for weeks by the time it makes its way through both kids. I also find in my experiences at them that they are clicky and all they talk about is how awesome their kid is and how awesome it is to stay home all day and watch them grow. 
While i love a lot of aspects of being a SAHM I have completely lost my identity as an individual. I miss working as much as I like not having my kids in daycare cause I know nothing bad is going to happen to them. It's a struggle, I don't feel I have tons of advice cause I find I have never really truly fell into the grove of being home but just wanted to say for me personally it's been hard and lonely.

Thanks for your honest input. These have been my fears and honestly I never thought I would be, or be in the position to, stay at home. I decided it would be best for baby to stay home if we can afford it, rather than go back to work at 6 weeks and pay someone else to care. I don't know if I could do it 3 years like you have. It's a decision that was largely made by my employer, and I feel somewhat powerless.

kathleenkat

juliehollz13 said:

You can always open a 2ndary joint bank account so that part of his pay goes into it for household expenses and baby/you expenses that way you both have access to it but you don't have to "ask" for diaper money or what not. 

We do have a secondary account for household expenses, healthcare bills, baby stuffs, car payments etc. We have a heloc as well. I would never feel the need to ask for diapers or other necessities. My main concern was things like, well, not feeling right going to pottery barn and buying a new dishware set. There is some guilt in using my husband's salaries as freely as I would use my own pay. 

I talked to my husband and he totally encourages me to use the money to go out for coffee, and knows I'll do it responsible. He wants me to know that being stay at home IS contributing a lot. But most of these feelings come from my own frame of reference. My husband grew up with a stay at home mom while I grew up with a single working parent. Our experiences are completely different, and from a young age I've always been bred to make my own way through life. The stay at home parent thing is just something I have zero experience or ideas on, so here I am doing something I never even considered doing before.

I'm used to having enough money to honestly buy what I want (I don't want for sports cars or yachts, I am quite practical) and it will be weird transition to sharing less money with the family.