PLEASE don't say that! :D (loss mentioned)

bai-by2019

Hi ladies!  I wanted to have a little fun with this post.  I've posted separately about my fear of talking to people about IF and loss (in an attempt to seek comfort) because of the well-intentioned things they say that end up hurting my feelings or just plain annoying me.  I know I can't be alone in this so I wanted to see what comments people make that drive you nuts, bother you, or hurt your feelings.

(Disclaimer: It's ok for us (If'ers) to say these things to each other because we understand.  I'm actually a little scared to start this post because I'm afraid people will get offended because they may have said some of these things themselves.  I promise it's not meant to upset anyone; it's just for fun.)

I have a few to get us started:

"It will happen when you least expect it."
"Don't stress.  That just makes it worse. You have to calm down.  As soon as my neighbor's sister's friend's daughter in law adopted she got pregnant."
"You still have plenty of time."  (I'm 36 and would like to have more than 1 child.)
"1 year?  That's not that long to be trying." (said by someone with 3 kids that had no trouble getting pregnant)
"I don't understand why she's so upset.  It's wasn't even technically a baby yet." <--- This was said about someone who's friend lost a baby around 10-12 weeks.  She said this to me THE DAY this same friend was throwing her a baby shower, just 1 week after the miscarriage.  I don't think I could have done that. 
"Do you want my kids? They’re Driving Me Nuts!"
"You're lucky.  At least you get to sleep in."
"I'd rather buy tampons than Pampers."
"There's always next month."
"At least it's fun to try."
"If this is stressing you out, wait till you become a mom."
"You can always adopt."
"It will happen once you stop trying."

AugustAng

"Just relax and go on a vacation."

Colleen0516

"Go on vacation, that's when it happened for me" As if our bodies respond better when were on tropical islands or cruises lol

"Just don't think about it" ...I want to hit people when they say that. 

"You have to be patient" ... I want to run people over with my car when they say that hahahaha  

That felt good. Thank you

UnicornsPlease

"At least you know you can get pregnant." (After early miscarriage)

"It just wasn't meant to be." (After same miscarriage)

"I bet your sisters would give you eggs!" (My mother, trying to be helpful but...it was def not the right moment to make that suggestion)

Everyone means well, I'm sure, but there's a lot of landmines.

AandDM2014

There are two that really bug me:

"Just adopt" Yeah, like that's a thing. "Just" is not how adoption works. This was said to me by my brother, who has three children, two who are 14 months apart and one from a woman who was told she'd never be able to have kids because of complications with her birth.

I went to Disneyland with my bro and said three kids, and they were being a bit wild, nothing too crazy, and my sis-in-law said "are you sure you want kids". Really? Oh yeah, I've spent $50,000 trying to get pregnant because I don't want kids. This is the same sis-in-law who got pregnant after being with my bro for less than 6 weeks, and was always told she'd never be able to have any.

meli123k

My former PCP kept insisting we should relax and take 6 months off from trying, confident that if we stopped trying it would happen. Umm...no thanks. I was so stressed out after that appointment that I switched to another PCP who is much more understanding and has actually delt with infertility herself so she knows what not to say.

emgem819

"it'll happen when you least expect it."  My DH's cousin told him this after he told them we are going through infertility.  Well no, it won't since I don't ovulate on my own but yeah...

lilmissslp

Ugh yeah the just stop trying and relax drives me crazy! I've heard so many stories about ppl who stopped trying or started the adoption process and *poof got pregnant. I think these stories are fictional. 

Once a friend of my DH said "you're chakras are just off". 

devilanne

@UnicornsPlease I hate that one as well!!! "At least you know you can get pregnant" (bc I had one child with my husband 14 years ago - apparently she was a miracle)

and everyone who says I should a) just relax or b) stop trying so hard bc it will happen when I least expect it. SURE, I didn't try for 10 years and it didn't happen but I'm sure if I stop now it will be like magic ><
~Anne

AandDM2014

@emgem819 I get that one too, all the time. People don't understand PCOS and how a woman can not ovulate. I have to tell them that no, I have a medical condition that makes it (nearly) impossible for me to get pregnant without medical intervention.

@lilmissslp Lol, chakras. Yeah, okay, that is totally why.

JESSABER0414

This is great! My DHs standard response to the question, "do you guys have kids?" Has been, "No, but we are working in it." To most people, they get it immediately and back off and smile. But his coworker we barley know said, "I didn't know it was work!haha, my wife got pregnant as soon all as she stopped the pill both times."  Gee thanks...luckily DH shot back at him. 

My aunt pushed a distant cousin towards me at a wedding and said, you two should talk, cuz she had a lot of trouble getting her  (7 yo) son. Yeah, she probably has a trick to share!

My all time favorite is,  "I know you probably don't want to hear this,  but try to relax, " why the h would you say it? 

mrsmoten313

 my dh had said relax that and it will happen since it happened once after we had an ectopic and we started for our own again (we both have kids before each other 1 me 4 him) and all I could think was you didn't lose a freaking tube and here we are years later finding out that it didn't cause my other tube is blocked. I know he was trying yo comfort me but all it ever did was piss me off. I had already figured we would have to do if it was a gut feeling and of course I was right. My mother use to tell me before we found out why was I'll carry for you thank you but I loved being pregnant I want that experience again but if it came down to it yes of course she could as long as I get my bundle of joy but I want to try on my own first. Is it bad that its my family that pissed me off lol.

srh18

"You're only 27! Why are you in such a hurry?" (Oh I'm sorry, didn't realize you got to create the time line of my life!)

"At least you can afford the treatments!" (Oh yes, on a therapist salary paying for treatment is seriously the easiest thing I have ever done in my life.)

"But so many bad people have kids!" (Yes, this changes the fact that I'm struggling.)

"Maybe you shouldn't be eating that candy bar/ice cream/pasta/whatever." (Ugh you're probably right but damn it sometimes I deserve a freaking ice cream! Besides, when did you become a PCOS nutrition expert?!)

these are just a few that have really gotten under my skin!!!

mrsmoten313

I want to apologize to any ladies that I have may offended with my previous reply. I was at work when I wrote it and didn't stop to think that it could be hurtful to first timers. From the bottom of my heart please know it was not done intentionally.

Isthisthereallife

@srh18 Yesssssss!! "You're still so young, what's the hurry?"

"You guys have only been married a year, enjoy the honeymoon. You have your whole lives to be parents". 

.......It makes me SO mad.

The best though, is this guy at my office. Since the person who was in my role before me got pregnant and left, his favorite joke is to run around telling people that I'm pregnant and going to leave. That is just THE BEST! 

lilmissslp

oh no @Isthisthereallife! I would want to punch him! 

freudianmamma

I agree with @Isthisthereallife  - that guy is cruisin for a bruisin

rmarble23

One woman I work with loves to tell me how great of a mother I will be and how beautiful my children will be and the typical "you're still young" well none of that means anything if you cant get prego

Isthisthereallife

I think that's just another thing that makes infertility so difficult.

So many people, including myself, aren't comfortable talking about their infertility. Then outsiders - even though they mean well (usually)- say those types of comments. It's a never ending vicious cycle.  Top that off with some raging hormones and emotions. Sounds like a party. 

srh18

@rmarble23 ugh I had one friend tell me "but you were clearly born to be a mom!" (I tend to mother hen our friend group.) it really only makes it worse when people say how good of a parent I would be--that isn't the issue, I think I would be a pretty good parent too, thanks. Lol

mskeenan

My all time worst one after my chemical pregnancy was "well you probably wouldn't want that baby anyways if it was going to have chromosomal anomalies . What if he was going to have Down syndrome or something ?" 

People are ridiculous . 

bai-by2019

@mskeenan PLEASE tell me you're kidding! That's horrible!!!!!!!!!!

mskeenan

I wish I was @bai-by2016. I couldn't believe my ears 

Isthisthereallife

@mskeenan That makes me SO angry for you. I don't know how you contained yourself.

LizzieJ13

@mskeenan

srh18

@mskeenan I find new reasons to be appalled by humans everyday. Smh I cannot believe someone actually said that to you. 

mini-murph

@mskeenan i hope to told that person, of course I would, someone loved you with your abnormalities

"you should get drunk.  My friend/coworker/dog walker got drunk and now she's pregnant."  I really wan to retort with well you and your friend can go f*ck yourselves.  (I've got a lot of anger in me today)

MMD1986

One of my former coworkers once said its so funny you're having to do all these treatments when I've gotten pregnant accidentally twice.

Yea, I don't find it so funny.

caseyw8784

We were at my DH's step-cousin's wedding last month. I had met some of her relatives maaaayyyybe once before in passing. Her aunt (other side of the family) came up to DH and me and started chatting and then said, "Didn't your (DH's) mom mention that you two trying for a baby last time I saw you last spring? And it hasn't happened yet? Oh, don't worry, sugar. Trust in God! If he hasn't made it happen yet then he must have something else in store for you. Not all women are meant to be mothers, after all."

I don't think I've ever seen my husband move so damn fast to get me out of the room before I started screaming/cursing/punching/::enter verb here:: at that witch of a woman...

sleepyrn

I'm sure it's been mentioned before, but last night was my first day back after my BFN and one of my coworkers said, "you can borrow my daughter, you'll be glad it didn't work."

caseyw8784

@sleepyrn - wow! I've had friends/family joke in general about how babysitting can be the "best form of birth control".....but to say that knowing what you've been going through? unacceptable and not cool. i hope you put her in her place... :smh:

sleepyrn

She's newer on the unit, but I just smiled and said, "Yeah, that would have been good to know before having to take all those shots and pills." 

zigzag8412

Just today the 60+yo secretary at my office said I'd "never be able to handle labor" after I told her I had been up all night because I fell and took a 1/2inch by 1/4 inch chunk out of my big toe last night and the pain as well as trying to lay still kept me from sleeping.  I got upset and walked away (which brought some "choice" words from her along with her telling me I was just "unprofessional").  I later came back and explained to her why I handled it so poorly.  After telling her DH and I deal with IF, she asked all these details and when she realized it was a hormone thing that I'm taking pills for she said "oh- so it's not that big a deal- like it's not like you can't have kids or anything." #canthandlethestupid #idontevenknowwhyitried

lilmissslp

Wow just wow @zigzag8412!

dragonfaerie

When we told my MIL that we were going from IUIs to IVF, she said "Are you sure you've tried long enough, I mean, shouldn't you be on the vitamins longer before you go that route?" Well, we've been trying for 2.5 years, and I trust the opinion of my doc who says that IVF is probably our best bet.

I was told by one person I should go on a cruise because she's on a forum for regular cruisers and so many of them get pregnant while on vacation. Our other friend retorted "Are you going to buy her ticket so she can go?"

It's always someone's friend's sister's cousin that got drunk and got pregnant or went on vacation, or just got sneezed on and it just happens. IF is just not understood in our society and people have no idea what to say. That's why I've been so open about our journey, because the awkward questions just need to stop.

rmarble23

@dragonfaerie i completely agree, i try to be open but then i go back to square one with some people and get the same thing. i told someone i work with that my chances of my husband getting me pregnant with his count is probably 1 in a billion.  her response was something like "are you sure?" no he has only had 5 different SA with two different urologists and my RE but no maybe if i just relax and put my feet over my head ill get pregnant.  some are just soo ignorant/thick headed that they cant grasp that there is a medical reason we can not get pregnant.  

stillclever17

People can be so dumb and even overtly mean! I'm impressed by your self restraint. It would be so easy to smack these people in the mouth. 

mrsmoten313

@sleepyrn that was just stupidity at its highest. I agree with @caseyw8784 she should have been put in her place

wintersong555

After our mmc, my SIL told me that "little humans are great, but they are very expensive". It's been two years of trying afterwards, 0 bfp for us and she went on to have her 2nd kid. I'm a little bitter. 

Isthisthereallife

@caseyw8784 I dont know what I would have done. Good for you for not knocking her lights out. 

@zigzag8412  She sounds like the unprofessional one. I HATE that line! It's not like you CAN'T have kids or anything. 

What the heck does that mean! That's exactly what it means - it means we can't have kids without getting a doctor, medicine, possibly procedures involved. It means we can't have a drunken night at a cousins wedding and forget to take our pills and suddenly we're pregnant. I get it, people mean well and they just don't know...but SHUT UP! Just shut up. ugggg! 

Sorry. I am frustrated today. I finally opened up to one of my best friends this weekend and told her. And that was her response too. "It's not a big deal. And least you can". 

Cmckenzie

I also get,  your young, don't worry about it! ( yea well its been three years and multiple losses so shut it!)

stop stressing, it will happen!

At least you know you can get pregnant.

You can try again.

You're to young anyway!

The worst ever was when my SIL went through a miscarriage (11 weeks)  and I told my MIL that I was going to talk to her ( seeing as I have had multiple) and she said, "oh well you weren't really far so you don't understand".... ever wanted to punch you husbands mom before, because I thought about it!