Vent Session - momma drama

BritMC18

I realize this would probably be more of a “randoms” or “Monday Bitchfest” post, but this is super fresh on my mind and just wanted to vent and get some opinions on what you would do next. And it’s probably definitely going to be a long one, so if drama isn’t your thing. . . 

I had posted way back in December about my mom being overbearing when it came to this pregnancy, so won’t go into the nitty gritty details, but today everything that’s been building over the last few months came to a head and we had an absolutely EXPLOSIVE phone conversation.

I love my mom, she’s a great person, but when things don’t go her way/don’t align with how she sees things, she gets super offensive and internalizes everything. I’ve delicately addressed other concerns with her over the last few months - no one in the labor/delivery room except me, hubby, and our photographer, no visitors for a few hours afterwards so we can bond, and we’d prefer people wait at our house with our dogs, not at the hospital. <- All in all, not too much to ask, really. In the recent weeks when these things have been brought up, she seemed fine with them, understanding even of our decisions. 

Which brings us to today - since she lives in Florida (12 hours from us), she is coming and staying for a bit after baby is born. It never occurred to me to ask her how long exactly she is planning on staying. Hubby is super excited about this baby and really is looking forward to the first week or two bonding with the baby and has expressed concern that my mom might overstay her welcome or her boundaries - something I also had been a bit concerned with (again, previous post gives more info). So I finally bit the bullet and called her today to inquire as to her plans. Hubby and I had discussed what we were comfortable with before calling her and settled on around 3 days after we come home from the hospital. She informs me she’ll be staying “5 business days” plus whatever weekend days fall in that time period. So anywhere from 7-9 days depending on when baby is born. 

I gently explained that both hubby and I really appreciate her coming up, but were thinking more along the line of 3-4 days and explained why - we want to make sure to have that initial bonding time with baby on our own. She immediately gets on the offensive saying, in a super snarky tone, “Well I don’t have to come up at all if that’s what you want. Clearly you don’t want me coming up there” <- or something to that effect. Being that I am her daughter, I also immediately get on the offensive and up my tone of voice. I let her know that I knew this was the reaction she was going to have and she starts in on how “every time I talk to you it’s less and less. First you won’t let me be in the delivery room, then you don’t want me in the waiting room, then you tell me it’s going to be hours until I can see the baby after it’s been born” etc. etc. etc. <- As I mentioned earlier, these are all things we have discussed multiple times that I thought she was fine with, but clearly isn’t. 

I stopped her and told her that this is not a personal attack on her, and that those were decisions we made almost immediately upon finding out we were pregnant and had been very upfront with her about for months. Those are boundaries that are extending to every one, not just her.

At this point, my anger that she has somehow made this into a personal attack on her just boils over. I wasn’t yelling, but I definitely wasn’t restraining myself. I reminded her that no one else is getting to stay with us for 3/4 days, she’s the only one getting essentially 24/7 access to the baby immediately after we come home. I also remind her this isn’t the first time she has, in mine and hubby’s opinion, over stepped her boundaries. I reminded her that she told my hubby to “not bother taking off work when the baby is born because (she) will be her to make sure I’m okay. And that he didn’t need to worry about staying the night at the hospital because (she) would do that and make sure I was taking care of the baby the correct way.” She flat out called me a liar on that last one and thank God that my hubby, who is super non-confrontational, decided to step in and say to her that yes, she did in fact say that. I explained that perhaps she hadn’t meant it the way it sounded, but nonetheless, she said it and it did sting a bit that she seemed to think he wouldn’t want to be there. 

Anyway, the conversation (well, my part of it) went on for several more minutes until I realized she was dead silent on the other end. I knew she was still there because I could hear her breathing, but she hadn’t spoken a word in several minutes, which means one thing - she was festering and probably super mad. So I just wrapped it up by saying that we do want her to come up and stay with us, for a few days, and reiterated this is not a personal attack on her. I told her I loved her and that I really did not want the conversation to turn the way it had. I told her that we both clearly needed to calm down and think things through and to call me at the normal time tomorrow (she calls every day on her lunch break). 

I have been harping on this, replaying every single second of that conversation since it ended. Should I have probably taken a different tone, yes. But, this is the first time I’ve every really stood up for myself with her and half of me is super proud of myself, but the other half wants to call and apologize and give her everything she wants. Hubby told me that I should in no way apologize for wanting to have that critical bonding time with baby in the first week with just us. He also reiterated that he wanted to make sure I understood he was fine with her coming up for a few days, but given her history of overstepping boundaries did want to make sure she knew there were boundaries. 

Anyways, sorry for the vent session and sorry if this is better served on another post. I just really needed to get this off my chest and perhaps get a different perspective on where I should go from here. I’m not sure if she’s even going to call tomorrow and if she does, I have no idea how the conversation is going to go. 

Samm116

I would try to have another conversation with her and give her the option of coming to stay for the 5 business days plus that weekend after you have had a week or two alone with baby.  Put the boundaries in place before she comes.  If she's driving, that's a long trip to make for 3 days, or even if it's a flight that's a short stay.  I know it sucks, but it's family.  While she is there give her some things that you might need help with around the house. Dinners, laundry, grocery shopping, ect.  

My MIL lives about 14 hrs away and will be coming to stay for a week with us about 2 weeks after baby arrives. 

BritMC18

@Samm116 - thanks for the advice She is definitely flying up and since the very beginning of my pregnancy, she made it clear she wanted to come up immediately after the baby was born. I had always planned on about 5 days total provided we have a normal delivery (2 days staying at our house w/ our animals while I'm in hospital and 3 days afterwards), and, in hindsight, should have made that clear to her at the very beginning. For what it's worth, she usually on stays for about 3-4 days when she visits, so for her that's a normal stay length.

We've had a fairly "charged" relationship my entire adult life. She is one of those people that has to always be right/have things her way and will bully and manipulate to make sure she gets it. I have always been a doormat and just eventually succumbed to whatever it is she wants, but she's really overstepped her boundaries the last few months. While I know she will definitely help out around the house, she won't be able to not overstep boundaries. She's already told my husband he can go home once the baby is born and to not take time off work (paid paternity leave mind you)- because she'll be there to "make sure I'm doing things right." She doesn't suggest things, she tells you how things will be. I wish I could have a boundaries conversation with her where afterwards I didn't feel like the world's biggest asshole, but she literally made me feel guilty for telling her we wanted to have alone time with the baby during it's first week of life. How do you reason with someone like that?

Samm116

It sounds like she doesn't mean to be rude about it she just doesn't communicate properly.  Is it possible she was meaning that DH could save his time off for once she leaves, cuz she will be there for you. I think that comment might have been taken out of context.  But saying that she's there to make sure your doing it right is just wrong. 

 I haven't had experience with this situation and me and MIL often butt heads and I end up yelling at her for something.  

BritMC18

@Samm116 - I don't know if it's more of a communication issue or that she legitimately doesn't think about how her phrasing will come off to other people. Her exact wording was, "You don't need to worry about not getting any rest. You can go home once the baby's born and I'll stay with her to make sure she's doing things right." Which she then followed up with, "And don't bother taking your time off, since I'll be up there." I'm sure that what you suggested was probably what she meant, but we had just finished telling her that he gets 2 weeks paid paternity leave that he has to take within a month of the baby being born - we can't exactly save it up for later.

All in all, those particular statements are a drop in the vast ocean of overstepped boundaries we've encountered with her. I feel very fortunate I have a husband who wants to experience the baby's first days, weeks of life with me and experience the highs and lows that come with having a newborn - I have many friends whose hubbies essentially left them to their own devices immediately. I hate that she is making us feel guilty for asking that she limit her initial visit to a few days so we have time to bond with the baby on our own before he returns to work. She has an extremely flexible job (and loads of frequent flyer miles) and was already planning on coming back up within a month or two of baby being born, and then once every other month or so after that. If she wasn't going to be coming up that often, I'd be a lot more open to her staying longer initially. 

kiwico14

Tough situation! Good for you for holding to what you and your husband discussed. It's a tough transition, and while help in the first few days is, well, helpful, so much of it is just about learning to parent together. 

Since your mom does have so much flexibility to travel, maybe speak to her in person when she's there about when to come back and for how long. She might feel appeased if you say something about how helpful she's been and how great it would be if she stayed a little longer after you all have had time to adjust. 

I hope everything works out. Boundaries now will make your next 18 years so much better!

NICU RN

First of all, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I agree with PP, why not offer the option of a few days early on or a longer stay after hubby goes back to work.  I know she wants to come right away, but honestly she won't be much help if DH is already there. She would be much more help once you are home by yourself. 

I have never ever had to deal with this situation as both my parents and in-laws are local, but we have definitely dealt with overstepping boundaries on both sides. 

When we got our pre-marital counseling, our pastor compared our marriage to a cell. DH and I are the ones that are supposed to be in it and everyone else is outside. The more outside influences you let penetrate the cell, the more likely the chance that the cell will get sick or die. I always kind of liked this and DH and I have gone back to it many times over the years. At the end of the day, no outside influences in your cell. Or more simply put, your baby your rules!

Bookhousegirl

I think it's awesome that you stood up for yourself and DH. My MIL sounds very similar to yours and DH was awful at setting and holding to boundaries until DS was born. Once he was in the picture, it really forced DH to realize that his loyalty and obligation was to us first and then to his mother, not vice versa. It has saved our marriage and my relationship with MIL, because now she knows what she can and can't get away with (for the most part). It may be hard to deal with now, but it's definitely worth it in the long run!

Jaspertheyoungturnip

This is exactly my mother, and obviously there are personal differences, but this is almost exactly something I've had happen with us. And I will tell you, the answer is not to give her other options, most likely. Family, so what. You do not have to compromise your desires that are perfectly justified to make her happy when she is the unreasonable one. It's emotionally damaging to have to constantly compromise on what you value for the sake of someone else who wouldn't do the same. My mother got pissed when she found out that we were not having anyone in the room including her. She tried to really guilt me, and that hurt me and made me extremely angry. On top of that with my mom, she has a track record from my nieces of pulling the "I'm the grandma" card, that she can do whatever she wants, regardless of the parents. I learned really quickly that compromising with her will teach her that she can take more than I want to give if she pushes hard enough. 

Mfuller76

This sounds like stress no one should have to deal with at nearly 8 months pregnant and I'm sorry you're having to go through it. I think it's great that you're standing up for what you and your DH want. You are not the asshole here and all of your requests and boundaries are perfectly reasonable. It's you and your hubby's baby, not hers. Hope she calms down and gets on board soon - stay strong and good luck! 

Nikkoli98

Everybody has difficult times with family and expectations, but family is family.  Maybe try to use this transitional point in your life to improve your relationship with your mom.  You mentioned that she is the helpful type - so her stay sounds feasible, even if for a full week.

Perhaps if you put a bit of thought into it ahead of time you can achieve both goals.  One possibility would be taking the baby and going to bed at an early hour with your DH - design your space so you can have a few hours before bed just, the 3 of you.  This can also extend into the first few hours of the morning and all of the middle of the night feeds / diaper changes, etc. or just say from this point in the evening on - the 3 of you will spend time together.  Honestly though, if your mom is super helpful you might end up with more quality time with your DH and LO if she is cleaning and cooking.  She sounds very focused on taking care of you!!  On the flip side, I would try to make sure that she gets at least an hour each day with just you and the baby - this could be while DH is taking a shower or just doing something for himself.

There will probably be times where you have to remind your mom that there are many ways to successfully complete a specific task and you would like to try it your way - if that doesn't work, you will ask for her input or suggestions.  But it will probably also be nice to have somebody with experience around to ask questions.

If you need help smoothing the whole situation over - bring up what she said about "making sure you do things correctly" and even though she probably didn't mean much by it, it has been upsetting you and stuck on your mind.  It got you to thinking that if she is second guessing how you approach things once the baby arrives it's going to make transitioning into your new role as a mother very stressful.  Let her know your are looking forward to seeing her, but also allowing you to find your own way as a new mama.

lotsofsunshine

Wow! I think our mothers could be twins! I am learning to set healthy boundaries with my mom. It's so, so hard. The only advice I have for you, is that your husband and your children come first. You can not have a healthy relationship with your spouse or your children if you are constantly bending over backwards for your mom.  If your mom wants to be pissy, then so be it. She loves you and she'll get over it. Eventually. 

kwilliams3402

I'm sorry you're going through this, and you're definitely not the only one.  I think you're being perfectly reasonable to set boundaries, and it may be hard, but it's super important.  I could just ditto all of the above really, and sending you prayers/good vibes and hopefully it gets easier!!

Mrsrundell

Ugh - sorry you have to deal with this right now!! We actually have very similar requests for the labor/delivery/hospital stay.  I don't see how any of that is unreasonable but, it's just difficult when others have a different expectation.  

Stay strong and don't sacrifice on the things you and hubby already agreed on.  You can always apologize for how you communicated (angry, aggressive, etc) but don't apologize for WHAT you said - you have every right to Let your mom know what you and hubby are comfortable with and your feelings are valid. 

It will get better, we're here if you need to vent!! 

Katienu

I, too, am sorry that you have to go through this with your mom.  No one sets us off more than our mothers! When our mothers were having babies, they didn't have to think of these things b/c no one BUT the father was allowed in the delivery room.  Our generation has a bit more of an opinion on how we want things to go and they cannot handle it. We don't just fall in line and defer our feelings... and thank god for that.  Good for you for standing up for yourself.  She will get used to it and guess what, there are going to be a lot of other things she will have to get used to too.  Undoubtedly, you will make different choices for your babies than she did and she will not be able to control those situations either!

Good luck with this.  I know it is really hard.

bearsandbeets7

Family can be great but they can also be extremely hard to deal with! I know you want the bonding time with you, DH, and baby the first few weeks but maybe you could let her stay the week and let your DH work some that way his time off can be extended out a little. You would still have someone to help you and your mom might honestly turn out to be a huge help. 

Prior to having DD, neither DH nor myself had ever been around a newborn so it was nice to have my mom around to give advice or just reassure me that I was doing ok. 

lalalorelai

My mom also has to travel to be with us following the birth. Luckily she's been 100% understanding about no one other than H in the delivery room, and she's only planning on staying 4 or 5 days max. But we have butted heads on some other seemingly unimportant details. I keep wanting to send her this meme (if you've never seen it before, it's from the movie Captain Phillips, and this guy has hijacked a boat and is saying that he's the captain now)


I don't know if this has been suggested, but maybe you could see if your mom could get a hotel room for at least few of the days? That way if she wants to stay longer, she won't be invading your space too badly. It's so hard to balance what the grandparents want with what we will want and need in those first few days. 

pelorunningmama

I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It is a lot to have to think and worry about and hopefully you can get everything resolved without hurt feelings. Someone else mentioned it, but if she is the type that loves to cook and clean, then it could be very helpful for you and your husband. After having DD, I was so hormonal and just overwhelmed. I was so appreciative of the help from my mother because it let us have more time with DD and we were fed. However, if you think she is going to be hovering and watching your every move, then I totally agree with trying to limit the time. No one needs that!

emmeline714

Don't feel like an asshole, it is your DH and your decision and also your baby, which you need to set those boundaries before they get taken over board. I wish you best of luck and don't let her get to you just brush it off she needs to learn that you ain't no kid and that you are grown adults and she needs to learn to respect you and your DH and child with the decision making you guys agree on as a couple. She did her time as a mother and now it is your turn

texasmama2014

That's such a hard position to be in because you are both so obviously excited about the birth of the new baby.  However, you definitely want what you want for your child.  If possible, maybe talk to her calmly about what a "good" compromise might be.  Perhaps its not super super vital that she is there for the birth, but maybe came after DH goes back to work and stays for the full 9 or so days?  That would probably be a huge help for you.  Or *maybe* allow her to be in the waiting room with the understanding that she still wouldn't get back there for awhile after the baby is born.  Or she could have the "job" of bringing you your first meal!!  A few minor compromises might make her feel like you are more welcoming of her.  Like I said, you're both so excited and its easy to forget where her role really is.  My mom and dad drove down for the birth (12 hour drive, so they came about an hour or 2 after she was born so it worked out great and they brought me food), but then drove back a few days later and did not stay with us (they stayed super close at a hotel) and only came by when they asked first. Totally different situation because after that they moved here to be closer to me (from 12 hours away.)

AliKay20

I agree with PP's and kudos for speaking up. I am also in a similar situation where mom will be helping for the first month or so after baby's arrival. She's in town now to help us get ready and all but I already feel that she's enforcing her own two cents about almost everything. 

A friend of mine told me this the other day. You can take it with a grain of salt but it certainly helped me:

"Remember, always make sure you and your husband are making all the baby decisions. Your mom is just there for support. Babies are very stressful and can be a marriage drain...having mom there can cause big issues if you and your husband are not united. Moms always think they need to take over (especially if you act timid or fearful). Don't let her do that. Set the tone early on to avoid things getting out of hand. Otherwise, you'll end up hating her. It happened to so many of my friends."

Best wishes to you and your DH! It's going to be a hell of a ride but you guys will get through it!

BritMC18

Thanks to everyone for all the great advice and kind words! I really appreciated it. I always seem to phrase things a lot better in writing, so wrote her a "letter" (e-mail really) after I'd cooled down a bit. I sent it to her this morning and asked her to read through it, think about the things I said, and that we would discuss things over the phone on our daily afternoon call. In the letter, I reaffirmed what our decisions were and why we made the decisions we made. I addressed the fact she feels personally attacked and assured her this was not the case - these are boundaries/expectations we have for everyone, and just generally readdressed the issues that came up, but in a much less harsh and concise way. 

She emailed back with a very short answer around noon saying she would just delay her visit for a week or two 'til hubby went back to work. It was very short and cold. So I knew she was still harping. When she called for our daily phone call, I just let her know that we do want her there after the baby is born and that I know that she really wants to be there, but if her decision is to delay her initial visit that was fine. 

We had a good, long conversation where I was able to calmly express my concerns that, given past experiences, I fear she will want to be in control and will overstep boundaries. I also made sure to let her know that she cannot be making decisions for my hubby and me and our family. That suggestions are always welcome, but our choices/expectations may not always align with hers and she has to be okay with that and not take it personally.

I did offer her an alternative choice where she does come up right away and stay for the 7-9 days she planned, but that if we ask her to leave to the house for a few hours or go hang out with her local friends for a bit, that she respect those wishes and do so. I told her that hubby and I would discuss this option tonight and let her know what other boundaries/expectations might come with this alternative. I'm hoping this will be a good compromise.