September 2015 Moms

Vent, Pity party time

Everything sucks right now. 
I'm having health issues(possible gallbladder).
No groove to being a SAHM is happening.
I'm getting less sleep than ever.
Not ONE person in my entire family has offered to watch my LO in his over 9 month life.
My DH still does whatever the F he wants and I'm the default parent. 
It's secretly ruining my marriage.
I refuse sex because it's too painful and I'm terrified I would get pregnant.
I LOVE my LO with all my heart but I can honestly say I do not want more kids.
I always envisioned helpful family and a helpful husband.
That just isn't my reality. 
I'm just kind of in shock the way it's all playing out. 
It's like my husband can't be a husband and a father at the same time.
He has to pick the role daily. 
I just want to relax.
I want to paint my nails.
I want to take a fucking bath with no time limit.
I want to puke when my friends tell me about all the help they get from their husband and family.
I hate feeling jealous. 
I just want my relationship back with my DH. 

Sorry. I just have to get that out. 

Re: Vent, Pity party time

  • I'm so sorry! I can't relate to the husband part- I am lucky in that respect (although he has his moments) but I can definitely relate to the famil part. If it's to the point that you feel it's ruining your marriage I think your only option is to have a serious talk with him about it and maybe even consider couples therapy. If the alternatives are living in a marriage you're totally unhappy in or divorce, I think it's definitely the better option.

    I live a few miles from my mother and I thought she would want to be more involved. She never offers to watch LO and frequently cancels on me on the occasions I ask her to watch him- to the point I don't ask anymore unless it's something I need like a doctors appointment. If you have the ability I would really recommend a babysitter- at least once in a while. Or ASK your family. They may not be taking the initiative but maybe all it takes is you to ask? Obviously I'm not privy to your family members or their situations but the worst thing they can do is say no. Maybe even look into one of those mothers morning out programs. It's a few hours a few days a week and could be a good break for you.

    despite what the general public thinks- being a stay at home mom isn't that easy. It can be very isolating. On top of that, even though we have our kid(s) all day and feel like we have no real time to even shower, much less take care of the house- at the end of the day it can feel like even though you're exhausted you've accomplished almost nothing.

    Anyway.. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. You're not alone, though. While everyone may not be able to relate to everything you're going through- I promise someone can relate to some of it. I think you need a break, honestly. A recharge can make a huge difference. Even if it's handing your husband the baby and not giving him an option- just going out alone for a pedicure or go sit down at a restaurant and have a hot meal ALONE, or a movie alone (I have no problem doing stuff alone, I know some people find it awkward or uncomfortable but I never understood why)
  • My mom is working full time but only helps my sister with her kids on her days off. After 5 attempts to get her over I give up. She's never available. It's frustrating to watch both my mom and my MIL only help our sisters but not me. It hurts my heart.

    Yes, I never imagined how isolating and nonproductive being at home with a little one would be. My home is trashed 24/7 and I'm lucky to shower once a week. My baby still doesn't sleep so I can't have home plans like clean or shower in his designated sleep time....since he never sleeps.
    It's like I'm scrambling nonstop all day every day to accomplish anything yet nothing gets finished. It's so damn frustrating. Almost 10 months of this.

    My DH was the fairytale husband. Never once did I think he wouldn't be capable of playing the father/husband role at the same time?!?! It's heart wrenching. And I think excess amounts of stress nonstop for almost a year has to do with my healthy issues. He's my husband and I won't divorce him ever...I just will NEVER have more children with him. He can't balance the roles and I'm left to do 150% of everything. He does work nonstop but if you have 4 hours a day to spare, why do you get to do whatever activities you want and leave baby with me?? When do I get my break?? I just had to vent. Thanks for replying. 
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  • I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. Can you hire a baby sitter once a week or so for a few hours so you can have a break? Even if you guys can't really afford it, at some point your health and well being have to come first in order for you to be your best mom, wife, person, ect and it's important not to lose who you were before baby. 

    I would also also highly recommend marriage counseling. See if you can get male therapist because it seems like men listen to other men better even if they say the exact same things we do. If his not helping you out is ruining your marriage then you both need some help and he needs a kick in the pants. 

  • I feel almost the same, my husband will help but I have to beg, his chores always get priority but then it reflects poorly on me when the yard looks nice but the house is a mess, I've just put dd's play pen in my bathroom so I can take super quick showers without waiting for my DH to have time to watch her. I understand that he works hard all week but I need a break too! I had a melt down about this a while ago and his response was the other day after he got home really late and I was completely exhausted he offered to watch the baby so I could go pick up beer for him... Not what I was angling for...
  • momofsweetpsmomofsweetps member
    edited June 2016
    Huge hugs your way. First off get a babysitter for Friday night. Take a hot shower, put on a dress, do your hair and makeup and go on a date with dh. Talk about how you feel. Tell him you love him. Ask him for help. Have a drink and make out with your husband in the car like you did when dating. Trust me. We have been married almost 15 years and we never get dates anymore or get to have sex (6 kids, who has time for that)? 

    Why does sex hurt? Need to buy lube? Foreplay? I had issues with painful sex with my last two hence why I'm asking. 

    As as for family, I totally get it. We moved to be near family with our first. We never see them really. My mom has watched my kids once (and that was in 2007 and I never asked her again) and his parents have never watched our kids. My aunt will sometimes but she works and I hate to burden them. So yeah.

    I had ppd with my first. I had never felt so not in control and isolated in my life. It was a hard hard time. I wanted and tried for her for 3 years and I didn't understand those feelings that would sometimes creep up. 

    Definitely talk to your husband. Try not to nag, but sometimes Dads, especially new dads need to be asked. They want to be helpful (some just don't), but don't want to step on Moms feet either or don't see the same things that we do. Ya know?

    Hang in there Momma. 
  • edited June 2016
    i wonder if your DH will get better with helping with LO once they are older - that's what I'm hoping for myself
  • I do feel your pain but just to check in - are you doing everything you can be doing to make yourself happier and your home life easier? 

    I say this because I often get angry at DH for not doing things I assume he realises he should be doing.  I've become so much happier since being proactive and just saying on the weekend - you will look after Ava for the next four hours so I can go shopping, movies, rest, catch up on cleaning.  Just tell him and go - the first few times it is easier to leave the house so he doesn't have an out. 

    I'm all for a pity party - but be realistic, if he's not the type to realise what kinda things would help you out, tell him.  Your baby must sleep some times - do you mean the baby only sleeps on you? If that is part of the big problem, look into sleep training.  Everything looks better once you've had some good rest.  

    You can either forget the family help (their loss) or tell them how you feel and what you want done about it.  That is your option. 

    This is may come across as harsh but as mothers we have to stick up for ourselves too and we have just as much right to demand how we want to be treated.
  • vibarra27vibarra27 member
    edited June 2016

    i wonder if your DH will get better with helping with LO once they are older - that's what I'm hoping for myself
    He most likely will (rooting for you ladies). My hubby would help sometimes when DD was a baby & out of the blue stopped. Once she turne1.5 yrs old he started taking her places alone(she'll be 6 in August). Keeps her & more recently the boys when i need to go get groceries. They do daddy-daughter dates & goes on bike rides. When its soccer season @ school he takes her running.  He has even combed her hair a few times. I think its just easier for men when the child can actually interact & say what he/she wants or needs. Also once having a child the 2nd+ time around isnt too strange for them so theyre more willing.

    & i agree with @Livvyloo87 speak up. I used to catch myself just like her, being mad @ DH because he would get home & chill while i was trying to feed the twins while helping DD with homework. Or if i had to make dinner & the 3 of them were being fussy & he was on his phone. But i didnt tell him it bothered i would jist ASSUME he knew & be angry. So i started doing exactly what she mentioned. I tell him, "here grab Alan cus im making dinner & he wants arms." or "make the boys Their bottles while i bathe them." "help princess with homework or entertain the boys." i wasnt coming off like i was demanding these things but more like showing him we're both doing something like a team for the kids & working together is easier on the both of us. Men are fucken idiots & need direction. 

    & i 2nd the sleep training. Lay your LO down throughout the day. Do some CIO(monitoring him of course IF you feel okay doing that). Show LO its okay to be away from you. I personally clean while my boys play & watch a movie.when its nap time thats my me time. 

    Take care of yourself momma. & if no one wants to help. Fuck them. Were moms & we have the power to do it, BUT find time to take care of yourself like these other mommas said. Be a daredevil & tell your hubby, "heres the baby ill be back." if you dont feel comfortable leaving him a long time with LO just go on a walk. Shit when ive had a hard the day with the kids a walk around the block does me good. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! you cant take care of your LO nor the house if you are not well. I wish everything turns around for you. Keep us updated. Hugs :smile:
  • If I could give you a hug I would. I also pictured people being more helpful or at least knowing how to interact with a child. My MIL is great but watches my nerves a lot since I hate to ask first much help at all. My mom lives states away and my dad never watches DS. It's frustrating. Just know you can do this and things will get better. ❤
  • Any chance you could afford getting a part time job and sending LO to daycare? It might help with the long-term? It's hard to leave the little guy for sure but sometimes it's a nice mental break!

    Also, a lot of times the ladies at daycare do babysitting as well so that might work out well too as you'd have someone you know watching him for date nights, etc.

    For sleep - buy Ferbers book and your life will change! 

    Hang in there - as they say - this too shall pass. 

  • Thank you to everyone who replied. It was one of those weeks and I just had to vent. It honestly does help so much just typing on here. Let me try to reply to some of these in no certain order:

    I have tried telling him i need help. I have left specific lists and still, nothing. I am just sick of fighting so I ask once now, then move on and do it myself. 

    I brought up a sitter once a week, just for a few hours and he was in shock. He said he doesn't understand why I would want that since I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Well, being a SAHM is different than having a baby with someone who never helps even when he is able and not working. Our biggest issue is this: he works HARD. I get that. We are one income. I get that! He doesn't see what I do as hard labor intensive so he thinks I have the easiest life ever.....I'm not saying I have it bad, but damn, it's stressful. Everyone needs a break. I have been giving his my other 'tasks', for lack of better words, so he does almost all of the grocery shopping now. Sadly, I enjoy grocery shopping but I stay home with the baby and he runs in. If I go to the grocery store, suddenly he wants me to take the baby so he can go to the gym. Like no matter what I try, I'm the one with the baby. Of course I love my son to the moon and back a million times but he screams because he wants me to hold him at the store. When he fusses in public I get panicked. My heart races, my face turns red, everyone is looking, and there are times I have left a cart and just grabbed baby and walked out. I honestly think I'm like this because I just never get a break. Like today I need a target and Mall run and I'm dreading it already, sadly. lol. There is never a good time. He's napping now, so he will need diaper change, food, bottle, i'll have to somehow get ready, then we can go. FOREVER for just a quick mall and target run. 

    I'm also a bit reluctant to admit I am a control freak when it comes to our LO. If I ask for DH to change the poopy diaper, It needs taken care of immediately. No joke, I will look at  my DH an hour later and go OMG you didn't change him?! He claims he forgot. I get pissed then the day is shot to Hell. You just don't half ass caring for our son!!! THAT is what pisses me off. Baby comes first. Put your damn phone down! I swear, I would give anything to have a wifi blocker installed in all of our bathrooms!!! Sorry, it makes me rage. 90% of his time is wasted playing online games, facebook, youtube of car crap.....what did people do before the iphone?! Live??

    The sex issues is two things: I'm terrified to be pregnant again. Between Zika and the lack of help I'm getting now, I do not think I could handle it all. The other issues is not a lube one, It is physically painful after more than an inch is in. SORRY TMI. I think I have pelvic floor issues, bad.

    The big one. My LO sleeping issues. This is most likely 100% my fault. My LO is napping right now. Daytime naps are amazing. He can fall asleep being rocked or on his own if he's sleepy. He will nap in his crib or his mammaroo(this thing is a LIFE SAVER). Night time is our issue. Some nights, I might spend 4 hours trying to put him to bed, other nights, an hour. That doesn't include bath BEFORE he yawns around 7pm, lotion, pj's, one last bottle around 8pm...Then I might spend from 8 until 10 or Midnight putting him to bed. He ONLY wants to for me to hold him at night. Or, he will sleep in our bed snuggling me. So, when he sleeps in our bed, I don't sleep. He wiggles and squirms all over, cried out, touches my face and falls back asleep. I even moved his crib into our room thinking it would help. He can't sleep longer than 30 min in his crib at night before he wakes up furious. The SECOND I pick him up, he melts onto me and is asleep. I love that he loves me, but mommy has to sleep also! He needs CONSTANT touch and reassurance that mommy is close at night.  So, he will sleep, it is just the way he sleeps, I can't sleep. help! Ideas? I am not normally open to CIO but I will try versions of it. I normally cave after two minutes. 
  • @lovelee85 I seriously see a few red flags in your post.  Your husband needs to learn how to empathize with you or things will NEVER change.  He needs to understand that you do not have the "easiest life ever" and he will have a very difficult time doing that if he is never forced to take care of LO on his own for an extended period of time.  

    As far as working hard, my DH does too.  He even occasionally works 14 hour days, 7 days a week for a month at a time.  He still is capable of understanding that I work hard too, he is still capable of understanding that not only is it valuable to me that I get a break from him helping out but it is valuable to our children as well to have a relationship with their father.  YH needs to learn how to soothe his children and they need to learn how to trust that they can trust him to provide comfort.  What would happen if LO was sick or hurt while you were gone? YH would have no clue how to effectively calm his own child. There is no reason why it should take an hour to change a dirty diaper, that is unacceptable and disgusting.  Your baby could get an awful diaper rash from that. 

    I'm all for co-sleeping as long as everyone is happy with the situation which it doesn't sound like you are.  What is LO schedule? When does his last nap end? 
  • I agree with everything ElleMF728 said regarding your husband.  

    Also, if your LO is yawning at 7pm, then that is a sign he is tired and I think you should try to make that be his bedtime, not 8pm.  He is likely overtired by 8pm and this might be a reason why you are having such a struggle getting him to sleep.  

    If you do decide to do sleep training (which I'm a big supporter of), whether it be modified or a non cry method, consisitency is key and caving is a big no no.  I know it's tough on us as parents, but caving and walking in after a few minutes disrupts their process of learning to fall asleep on their own.  If you were overtired, laying in bed, trying to fall asleep and your husband walked in every two minutes, picked you up, and disrupted that process, you would have a hard time falling asleep too.  Eventually you would begin to expect your husband to come in after two minutes and you would not know any other way to fall asleep.  If you then fell alseep in his arms but suddenly woke in the middle of the night in a completely different spot with no recollection of how you got there, you would probably freak out a little bit too.  This is why babies who are held, nursed, or rocked to sleep wake often in the night versus babies who fall asleep on their own in their crib.  

    Finally, with the pelvic floor issue, go see your OBGYN if you haven't already, it's completely treatable.  I just finished pelvic floor PT and I'm like a new person.  I was really nervous about it, but in retrospect am so glad I did it.  My PT was super professional, and I saw such quick improvement that I actually began to look forward to my appointments each week.  If you have any questions about it, feel free to PM me and I can give you more details about my experience. 

  • I don't think you are a control freak for wanting the baby's diaper changed right after he poops. I'm the same way with that. How would he like it if he had to sit in his poop for an hour. 

    As as for the babysitter, just hire one for a few hours once a week and go do something for yourself. Don't ask. It's your money too and you are working just as hard as he is. Actually you are probably working harder because your job never ends. Ask him how he would feel if he worked at his job 24/7 and never got a break. 
  • I seriously feel like we are in the exact same situation. The one thing I did that made a MASSIVE difference is I sleep trained and LO goes to bed at 6pm - then the rest of the night is mine before I go to bed. It's my time to go to the gym, Target, shopping, out to eat by myself, read. It works out well bc DH doesn't have to do a thing as LO is dead asleep. It's infuriating bc he doesn't do anything but this was the only solution I could find. When 6pm rolls around I finally get my much needed me time. I really highly recommend sleep training for your sake and your baby's sake! It saved my life - seriously. 
  • There are definitely red flags! Lol! I see them, but I can't do anything about them. I have talked until I'm blue in the face. I openly told my DH I pray nothing ever happens to myself because he wouldn't know how to sooth our LO or do the things he loves. It hurts my heart that famiy isn't his number one. I get he works 6, 12 hour days a week, plus overtime! I get it. He just is always scrambling to fit his other crap in before work. He doesn't have a lot of spare time BUT if you had an hour a day, the priority should be his family. Ironically, when he does put the make us number one, he's great! It's amazing what he can do with the phone out of his hand. He's just having a horrible time balancing it all, and it's spilling over to making my life in I never get a break. I can't believe it's been over 9 months of this!!!! 

    I'm sorry to all the people who can relate. It sucks and I think it's going to keep me from having more children. I'm going to look into Ferber method, or a  modified version??? 
  • Uggh I'm sorry he's being so inconsiderate. The hours are an excuse for him. My husband works 12 hour days now but up until January, he worked 16 hour days, and still came home and helped with kids, changed diapers, etc. While he has to work, the moment he walked in the door, he never let me change a dirty diaper. He always said that he knows I don't get a break and while his job isn't a break, he gets to go home. I don't get to escape ;) it's his personality though and I will say he is the most hands on Dad out of all of our friends and family. We got the crap deck with our parents so we really aim to be the best we can for our kids. I don't have anymore advice but vent away. I would have wanted to cut my dh if he acted like that ;)
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