Mom not invited to shower

MissBuffalo

Hi all! I've been lurking but haven't posted yet. My MIL found out that I wasn't having a shower, so she planned and is throwing a shower for her family in their hometown. I'm so thrilled and excited. Well turns out my mom isn't invited (she lives 600 miles away from MIL). Mom is so upset and is making me feel bad about my shower. I'm angry with everything she says about my shower because she didn't offer to throw me one (in my family moms don't throw showers), nor did she help her sisters throw me one or whatever.

Mom and MIL don't have much in common and now that my mom is upset, I don't see it going well if she were to get invited. I'm sure she'd try to bring a fancier gift. Husband thinks we should talk to his mom and tell her to invite my mom. Any advice? I feel like I'm caught in the middle.

jamiesc58

Is there a specific reason your mom wasn't invited in the first place?

MissBuffalo

I have no idea why she wasn't invited. I guess because it's husband's family only? And my mom doesn't live in the same city. Our families only met once at our wedding 6 years ago.

We are very, very close to both our families.

PeachGal23

I agree with your husband and think you should talk to MIL about inviting your mom.  In my family and social cirlces, moms don't host showers either, but they are ALWAYS invited.  Maybe she won't attend anyway since she lives so far, but it's the gesture that counts.

SkiChic626

I might start by asking your MIL why your mom wasn't invited.  I could see her not inviting others from her side of the family, but she definitely should have invited your mom.  I would feel so awkward going to a shower with DH's side of the family being thrown for me without my mom and my sister at the very least.

bearsandbeets7

Where I live it's customary for the mom to be invited to a shower MIL throws and vice versa. Your mom should be sent an invitation, I would ask your MIL why one wasn't sent in the first place. Also if your mom lives 600+ miles would she travel that far for the shower?

Snaps816

I think it's totally appropriate to ask if your mom can be invited/why she wasn't invited. For one thing, I think it's pretty customary for a mother to be invited to her own daughter's baby shower! And furthermore, even though you're not hosting, as the honoree I think you should be able to add people to the guest list -- especially your mom!  

Hopefully your MIL just assumed she wouldn't want to travel all that way, and that's why she didn't invite her. Maybe your MIL would even call your mom and personally explain and invite her. 

MissBuffalo

Hi! Yes my mom would definitely attend the shower. My parents just moved to our city in preparation for the grandchild, but my inlaws probably still think they're 600 miles away. I wouldn't know how to bring it up to my MIL at this point and my mom's feelings were already hurt. I didn't know my mom wouldn't be invited or I would have not told her when I received my invite.

Mom wasn't invited to the bridal shower my SILs threw me for my wedding either (although it was a surprise).

MamaKSquared

I'm with the others. I'm not sure why your mom wouldn't have been invited, regardless of where she lives. I would definitely talk to your MIL to ask about your mom coming. I can definitely understand why your mom would be hurt by not receiving an invite. I know my mom would have been.

bsckgb7

Did you include her address on the guest list?  Maybe your MIL doesn't know her address?  Or maybe she was just assuming since you don't invite guests that are far away, she had a brain fart (since the grandmom typically gets invited), and left off people far away?  I say go with the invite with lost and she was invited. 

WinnieLou82

The best marriage advice I received was that you handle your family and he handles his. On that note, I'd have DH request that his mother please send your mother an invitation ASAP. Whatever the reason she wasn't included to begin with, she should have been invited. Perhaps explain to your mom it was a simple oversight and you hope she attends - I'd try to make light of it and move on. Hopefully, as @Snaps816 mentioned, your MIL may offer to call and rectify the situation further.

MissBuffalo

There wasn't a guest list. I wasn't asked. MIL already knew her friends and all husband's relative's addresses. They did know that my parents were moving here this summer, but husband thinks they just forgot that my parents would be in town.

I'm more upset at my mom being mean about my shower. I just feel so happy that someone wants to throw baby a shower.

ThisisNumber3

MissBuffalo said:

Hi! Yes my mom would definitely attend the shower. My parents just moved to our city in preparation for the grandchild, but my inlaws probably still think they're 600 miles away. I wouldn't know how to bring it up to my MIL at this point and my mom's feelings were already hurt. I didn't know my mom wouldn't be invited or I would have not told her when I received my invite.

Why can't you just say something simple like now that my mom lives closer, would you mind if we invited her as well.  Don't make it more stressful than it needs to be, its a simple request to your MIL.  

Mrsrundell

Just talk with your MIL - it seems like an easy fix, explain that your mom is closer now and she would be really happy to be included.  Explain to your mom that it was just a misunderstanding and that she is more than welcome to attend... Or maybe say that your MIL had invited her from the very beginning but sent the invite to the old address! Hee hee a little fib might not be the best thing but that's probly what I would do in this situation 

lotsofsunshine

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Families can be so difficult sometimes. I hope it all works out well for you.

MissBuffalo

Hi all! I guess I'm worried that MIL did it on purpose and that she doesn't want my mom there. Like I said, my mom wasn't invited to my bridal shower either and was hurt by that. I'm anti confrontation in general. Even if my husband was to mention it to his mom, his mom would know my mom was upset she wasn't invited (because my mom would have had to tell us that she didn't get an invite). My sisters weren't invited either, but they wouldn't be able to attend so it's not that big of a deal. My mom had planned on going.

haboobjob

@MissBuffalo I would just tell your MIL that you are bringing your mom as your guest, as her presence is important to you. If she doesn't like it, oh well. It's not like one person is going to make a difference in guest count. It's not like she's going to cancel it because you want your mom to be there. 

jacmkelley

Do you want your mom there?

Nikkoli98

@MissBuffalo, perhaps you could message your MIL and say something like - "I just realized I overlooked giving you my mom's new address for the shower invitation - I didn't think about it earlier since you had the addresses for all the other guests.  Is it too late to invite her?  I think she would like to attend."

Your MIL never needs to know that your mom was/is upset.

AliKay20

jacmkelley said:

Do you want your mom there?

I was going to say...it seemed weird that your MIL didn't even think/ask about inviting your mom. If you did want your mom there, why would your MIL not invite her unless as you said, she may not want her there for her own specific reasons. If that's the case, can they just all put aside those tensions and be there for you? MIL should understand from a mother's perspective that your mom would be upset for not getting invited to be at one of your major life events. 

lucypod

Your mom and your MIL don't have to be best friends but considering you're about to bring the first grandchild into the world, this might be a good time to get them acquainted with each other a little more, starting with the shower.  I'm sure they will be seeing a lot more of each other because of your L/O so I would definitely encourage your MIL to invite your mom and chalk it up to a big misunderstanding with both of them.  Give yourself a break, and don't go overboard stressing about it but just keep the future in mind for the sake of your new little family, especially that baby!

jacmkelley

I guess my point is- if you want your mom there you just need to say it. I wouldn't make it a big deal or read into it. No matter what has happened in the past with weddings, etc... I would just move forward if you want your mom to attend. 
At the end of the day it is your shower and your baby and if you want everyone included that's fair. If your MIL doesn't want your mom there and says "no" then you can make a decision moving forward. But it sounds like you haven't even asked her or know why your mom wasn't included. So, you really don't know why your mom wasn't and I would move forward assuming t was an oversight or forgotten. 
Your mother in law may be the kind of person to assume it's a long haul for your mom. But when you ask about inviting her or ask her to send an invitation of the question arises "why do you want her to come" I would respond with "This is our first child and I would like for everyone to be included and not to travel alone". 

If she doesn't want your mom there and tells you why I guess cross that bridge when you get to it. But i would try my best to assume it's nothing negative. 

Bookhousegirl

I agree with PP that if you want your mom there, you definitely should say it to your MIL. Once the baby comes, you'll want them to be comfortable with each other, because they'll be togethermuch more often - even if it's just short overlaps when they're visiting. I know it can be hard to advocate for yourself (I have this struggle often!), but this is one of those situations where it seems like the consequences of not saying anything would be even more uncomfortable. You can say something like "my mom just moved close by and I would love to have her attend the shower - can we extend and invite to her?", that way she doesn't even have to know your mom was upset.