Miscarriage - Tell close family and friends?

bai-by2019

I know it's a very personal decision, but I'm interested in feedback on why you would or wouldn't share this information with CLOSE family and CLOSE friends.  I initially thought I didn't want to tell anyone because of 2 reasons: (1) Infertility takes the fun out of everything for me and the hubby, so why ruin it for them too?  If I tell them about the miscarriage, then they might be reserved about their excitement with a healthy pregnancy; I'm afraid they will worry that I will lose that baby too.  (2) I don't want them to worry about me because they know I'm sad about it.

I've love to hear your thoughts.  

rmarble23

i understand your reasons not to tell but you can also look at the flip side...all the support and love they will give you.  one thing i have found out about infertility is that no one talks about it! people you work with, hang out with, talk to all the time they dont talk about it.  talking about it may help you and someone else who may have gone through it or will go through it or they can help you.

LizzieJ13

I have really appreciated it when I have heard about friends' and family members' miscarriages. It is the loss of a real person, and I think sharing emphasizes that. I am grateful for the opportunity to support and pray for the mother and her lost baby. Sometimes I think our society is a little too private and self sufficient; we all need to open ourselves up more to love and support.

But on the flip side, I totally understand not wanting to share. I have never conceived, but I have kept our infertility pretty quiet. Recently I have shared more but yes, it is very difficult and I don't want to draw attention to myself, etc.

So... No good answer. But I hope if you decide to tell people you will receive lots of love. I'm so sorry for your loss.

suchaglencoco

TW- loss and children mentioned



We chose to only tell my mother and one very close friend when we had our first m/c. I was embarrassed, ashamed and blamed myself. It was a very lonely experience. I hated myself for months.

We eventually needed fertility treatments and at first, we were hush hush about that also. When we got to the ivf stage, we became more open with family and close friends. The support was overwhelming. Our first cycle, we got pregnant and we were cautiously optimistic, even after seeing two heartbeats for identical twins. A week or so later, we found out that the embryo split wrong and we lost both twins. It was hard to tell everyone, but they were supportive and heartbroken with us. It made it a lot easier on us. They did worry about us, but that's what family does!
Then we did another transfer, got pregnant with fraternal twins and collectively held our breath. Our family was still excited for us and once we got to the 2nd trimester, they understood how big of a triumph it really was.

Now that our twins are here and a heathy 6 months, I've become extremely open about our losses and struggles. I've made it complete public knowledge (Facebook official) and when asked by strangers if twins run in the family, I always say "nope, we were blessed through ivf". Doing this has made me realize how common it all is- the losses and the struggles. I've had women message me saying they were struggling, asking for advice or support. I've reconnected with past friends who also had losses. It was nice to know we aren't alone. 

Infertility is an awful struggle and most of us go at it alone, and we shouldn't. It's hard. It's painful. It's emotional. It's exhausting. We should get the support from those around us.
It seems to be such a taboo subject and I'd love for it not to be.
Sorry to ramble, but I wish we had opened up earlier. It would have mad for a lot less lonely nights.

AandDM2014

I have personally chosen to share our entire infertility trek (at this point it is way past a journey) in real time with anyone who chooses to read my blog, which posts on my Facebook. I've had to share the news of a miscarriage twice, and it was hard for me to feel like I was disappointing anyone who read it, but they were also so happy whenever I share positive news. Everyone was super supportive when they found out about my most recent MMC at 9 weeks. I've heard from/helped several others who struggle by sharing our experience.

BornReady

Sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in November. We told our family (parents and siblings) and I told close friends and my office staff as I had to explain where I was and have them contact my patients. I am a pretty open book about a lot of things so it wasn't a stretch. For me, I feel like I need the support and so many men and women can relate to pregnancy loss on some level that I don't see a reason not to talk about it. In fact I think we has a society need to talk about loss and infertility so much more so as to stop the stigma and educate others on reproductive health. Wishing you well in whatever you decide.

bai-by2019

Wow!!! Thank you all so much! I am so sorry for each of your losses. It's such a sad and terrible thing. The whole "infertility thing" is lonely and I often feel shameful because our infertility is my fault. But you are all correct...my family and friends would want to know so they can support us. I guess I'm afraid that someone will say something well-intentioned (yet awful) like "Miscarriages are pretty common. It will happen when it's right." Or "It wasn't meant to be this time." I know these statements are true but I don't want to hear that. I feel like it undermines the situation and my pain. I've become very selective about who I talk to about things because I've been upset about people's comments too many times in the past. People really do mean well but just don't understand if they've never been through it. I don't want to ruin the excitement for my family and friends but I guess full knowledge of the journey will make it that much sweeter.  Thank you all so much for sharing with me. Best of luck to you all!

AandDM2014

If you don't want people saying or doing certain things, and you're posting about it, I'd suggest finding a nice way of saying what you would like people to say. Maybe something like "I know you may have advice for me, but right now I'd appreciate if you could be very sensitive to my feelings and only offer your condolences". I made a post about National Infertility Awareness week that read: #StartAsking them what you can do to support them, even if it something as simple as sending them a text asking how they are or posting a cute baby animal picture to their Facebook." It was helpful, because I flat out let my peeps know how best to support me at a difficult time.

FatPony

My SIL is on her third pregnancy, the first two ending in miscarriages. They pretty much told everyone the moment they found out they were pregnant bc they would want the support in case of m/c. 

Its not a decision I would make (telling everyone early), but I would probably share about a miscarriage. It's an intensely personal decision

BrightenMySky

Sorry for your loss.  My first loss was at 11 weeks.  We had already told immediately family and a few friends about the pregnancy, so we of course told them about the loss.  And then I ended up telling some others (more coworkers/my bosses, more friends) about the pregnancy and the loss post-loss.  We just had a chemical pregnancy and I've only told a few close friends, no family.  

I was glad to have the support with the first loss, and it also took a really big physical toll on me, so having the support was all the more helpful.  I did get some comments that I could have done without, and I think some of the typical (bad) responses, like "at least you know you can get pregnant," have a particular sting when you're also struggling with IF.  I like @AandDM2014's advice about telling people how you want them to respond.  I found articles that I identified with (many on the website verily mag) and sent them to a good friend who was not giving me what I needed to help explain how I was feeling, and that helped our interactions.  

I didn't tell about the CP because I didn't want to have to manage other people's reactions to it, and I also didn't want people to compare it to my first loss or make assumptions about how I must be feeling now.  I may be more open about it at some other time, just not right now.  

Colleen0516

My thought patterns have changed in the two years of my struggle. Is started by only telling my close friends and family. I'm a talker, and I needed the support. My husband was more reserved and was hesitant to share. Now, two years later-- we shared, but quite honestly, whether it is a good outcome or a bad outcome, I feel like family support and prayers are A HUGE BLESSING to us. So- i'm upfront about everything. 

But that is a decision you need to make for yourself!! Sorry for your loss,  I was praying for you!

mskeenan

I am so sorry for your loss . I was really hoping things would work out this time and I'm so so sorry you have to go through this . I know how hard this is . 

I personally told a lot of people about my loss . First family and close friends and then after my initial shock I started opening up to other friends about it . For me , it helped . I know everyone is different . Keeping it in made me feel like it was something I was ashamed of- and obviously there is no shame in this . Sharing with some people about my loss and my IF I feel like has made them more sensitive with their comments and questions in general . There used to be a lot of "when are you guys getting pregnant " and "why aren't you not drinking tonight .. Are you pregnant ?" Type of questions in my social circle . I hope that sharing my experience has made people more respectful of other's privacy . I also like to educate people on how common miscarriages are . SO many women have experienced this before and I think it sucks that so many grieve in silence . If that's what's most comfortable for them then by all means there is nothing wrong with that . But I think support and talking about it can help a lot .

my thoughts and prayers are with you.

KLake42

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have not experienced loss, so I may have limited ability to contribute, but I'm also someone who has never managed to get pregnant, and I've been trying for a while. 

I made the decision to talk to a lot of people about my journey, and my struggles.  For me, it makes my burden a little lighter, to know that so many people who care about me are trying to lift me up.

Being really open has also been an amazing way to connect with women who have had their own struggles.  I've connected with women who struggled with fertility themselves, who might never have told me about their journeys if I hadn't started the conversation.  It's even put me in touch with some adoption resources, if I find that my path leads me in that direction (with the help of women who adopted after confronting their own infertility).

Often, these connections happen with women who weren't actually super close to start with, but we share a community together (shared activities, church, etc.). 

So I'm definitely an advocate for being out of the closet, and building a community of support.  Of course, I'm already a person who's dealt with closets, because I come out as gay all the time, so that gives me practice. 

It also gives me a space where I think I have a little pressure than some of my straight friends.  Fewer people expect me to live a conventional life, so I have less pressure to conform, and that might lead to less shame for failing to live up to what people expect.  I think it's awful that some women struggle with shame and embarrassment around their fertility challenges and losses.

So that's my perspective, at least.  I will say that if you don't feel comfortable leaning on your friends for support, find support in other spaces-- like here! And again, I realize that my experience is all about struggling to get pregnant, and I'm not speaking with experience about loss, so I definitely respect any choices you make.

bai-by2019

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate all of your input. I was waiting to make sure the pregnancy wasn't ectopic, and now that I know it isn't, I'm going to share with certain people. 
@AandDM2014 I really like your advice about telling people what you don't want to hear! So simple, yet so smart 
@Colleen0516 I'm SUCH an open book and a talker (like you) that I feel like I'm hiding something by not telling certain people. I still struggle with "infertility shame" but I'm working on it.
@mskeenan You make a really good point about how common miscarriages are and how we don't have to suffer in silence...alone.
@BrightenMySky I'm so sorry for both your losses. How awful. I completely understand what you mean about managing other people's reactions.
@KLake42 Thank you for sharing. Infertility is lonely and difficult at times and the pain is real. Connecting with other women experiencing the same thing  (like you fine gals) really helps...to feel like you are a member of a community instead of an outsider in a world full of mommies.

BrightenMySky

@Bai-by2016 have you checked out the Miscarriage/Loss board yet?  I have found it really supportive and helpful.  

MelD17011

I wasn't going to tell anyone, but I ended up in the ER twice and my mom called the whole family! I was so mad at first, but in the end, it was good to have the support and I found talking about it really helped. I saw my extended family a couple weeks after and I was actually more upset after the weekend because I felt it would be the last time we talked about it. 

bai-by2019

@BrightenMySky No, I havent. I didn't realize there was one. I'm still new here. I'll definitely check it out.

@MelD17011 I'm so sorry for your loss. I would have been mad too. I'm very private about all this stuff. I'm glad it worked out and you got the support you needed. Hang in there!

Cmckenzie

I choose not to talk about it until my fourth, I have  had six,  when I finally broke down after my mom kept asking about grandbabies and why I had to go to the doctor so often. Although we don't talk about it much, my family has stopped asking why we don't have kids, and tries to be supportive. Although they do send my articles on treatments and adoption sometimes.

bai-by2019

@Cmckenzie I cannot even begin to imagine what it's been like to go through so many miscarriages. I am SO sorry. ::hugs::