Paternity Leave

Katm89

 Hey ladies,
I did use the search function and spent hours reading other threads on this but what curious as to what all you other ladies were planning as well as some specific advice for my situation. DH just started a new job yesterday (he was an intern there for a year prior to his start). He will be within his 90 days during the birth and this company makes jokes about not allowing their employees to have a balance between work and home life. We were hoping he could get 2 weeks unpaid leave... but now I am nervous that won't happen. He also works at a consulting firm... so depending on what project he is placed on with determine his new boss during the birth... we think he might be able to work from home maybe ( its a programming job... so he does work extra hours at home sometimes).

What are you ladies banking on?

Katm89

I guess my question would be what would you expect from his company as far as him being allowed to spend time with his family. His boss was at work the day his daughter was born... and the whole thing worries me. Should I just be ok if it doesn't work out with him being able to take time off? DH used to be in the Marines and I just feel like even they would be more accommodating.

jamiesc58

My dh will get the days off that I am having the baby and staying in the hospital. He will stay with me. After that, he will be going back to work as he just started his job also and doesn't have paid time off yet. I have family around to help and the kids at home will be a big help also. Are you a FTM? With my first, I needed a little more help as it was a huge change. Getting the hang of nursing, sleep cycles, baby's "cues", and everything else takes a little bit of a toll. Do you have others around to help out?

PeachGal23

My husband was also in the USMC, and they have MUCH better family leave policies that the private sector!  I work in the federal government as a civilian, and we don't have ANY paid maternity leave... anyway, sadly, I wouldn't expect much from your husband's employer.  I would think they could at least let him be home the first week either using paid vacation or unpaid leave.  DH now works for a huge global, private company, and with DD, he was only able to take 1 week off (which was his paid vacation, not paternity leave), and then he worked from home for the second week.  His company just announced about a month ago that starting in January, they will offer 6wks paid paternity leave, but that won't help us unless they let him take that leave starting in January.  In all honesty with DD, I didn't need DH around much those first few weeks.  I breastfed, so he couldn't feed her, and it was just a lot of down time.  

Katm89

@jamiesc58 yes, this baby is our first. He actually left the military so he could be a hands on Dad, so its a little disappointing. I'm trying to stay positive though that my mother can help.. she plans on staying for a week at a hotel close by... and I guess I could always hire my doula for postpartum... but its a little intimidating because I have no clue how I'm going to feel

Katm89

@PeachGal23I would be happy if they even just let him work from home... that would be enough for me... but I have no clue

bearsandbeets7

My DH just started his job in December so he hasn't been with the company long enough to be eligible for paternity leave. He didn't start accruing vacation time until after his 90 days so he doesn't have much built up yet. His company won't let him take more than 10 days in a row off. He has rotating days off so we are hoping that the birth(scheduled c section) will fall during the good part of his rotation as far as his days off go. 

I would think, that even though he just started, he could just talk with his boss and see where they stand on his time off and such. Hopefully their joking around is just them joking and not being serious about not having a good work/family balance.!

Katm89

@Lynnlove28I hope its just joking... but it seems like the people live there pretty much... they expect them to work around 90 hours a week and if you work only 45... you get your name on a shame list

WinnieLou82

DH doesn't get any sort of paternity leave. At this point, we'll see how it works out for him to take a few PTO days off when she is born.

I think all your DH can do is inquire about the options for leave and see what they say!

Katm89

@WinnieLou82 I have been bugging him to ask, but he keeps saying when hes done with his "training hours" he will have a new project boss and so he has to wait to ask them... driving my nesting mind nuts... but it makes me feel better to know other people are playing it by ear as well! thanks!

Stephanie7693

My husband owns his own business, so there will be no paternity leave for us. With our son, he took off work the day he was born, then spent the evening with us at the hospital the following day, and brought us home when we were discharged. Our first weeks home my husband worked like usual, but he did come home a couple hours early to try to help me. Quite honestly, there wasn't much he could do, except hold the baby so I could shower or nap, or get my daughter out of the house for a little bit. And he made me dinner every night since I'd forget to eat during the day a lot. If your husband can just work decent hours, and you have someone who can help you, you should be ok. It's not the same bonding time I'm sure you were hoping for, but it's doable. 

Katm89

@Stephanie7693 Thank you for saying its doable... my Brother in law stayed home for 4 months( worked from home). Obviously I would not be able to expect that... but they told us it would be impossible to do it alone... and I have no clue what it will be like... so its good to hear its manageable.

bbyT

@KatM84 have you looked into FMLA, its a law that states that if the company he works for is larger then 50 people he is allowed to take time off. Unpaid. Unless he has PTO then he can use that as well. But FMLA is to protect the person's job. SO if he takes the time off they can't fire him. He might want to talk to the HR department. Also if he asks for FMLA papers they have to give them to him. Now I would google it and make sure he falls under the guidelines. From what you have said it looks like he does. Even if he worked as a intern (if it was paid) as long has they employee more then 50 you should be good. 

My mom will be taking FMLA to help me. It will start 2 weeks after the baby arrives and DH goes back to work. But FMLA can work for almost anyone in your family as well. But she will be using PTO. 
Hope that helps. 

cait5413

DH just started a new job, too. As far as we know, there is no company paternity policy (none listed in the benefits handbook, anyway). We think he will have some vacation/sick leave accrued by then, but I don't think he has talked to them about it specifically. He will be with me in the hospital, whether it is leave or unpaid. Then, we'll have to see. Right now, we plan a vaginal birth, but baby's head is measuring large and both my mom and one of my cousin's had c-sections for that reason, so I am not ruling out surgery. If the section happens, I will need him at home more. If not, we'll try to stretch out any leave he does have, since I will be working Mondays and Weds pretty soon after birth and baby can't go to daycare til 6 wks old. We are having my in-laws come down when I start back to help out for a bit, but depending upon when baby arrives, we may not make it to 6 weeks. It's still kind of up in the air for us. 

charmedlifex3

We'll hopefully be in a similar situation. My husband is unemployed, works in technology, and has a "We'll call you back next week to confirm, but here is the HR package, and oh by the way, could you do some freelance work for us in the meantime" thing pending. (FX!)

He talked to them about it in advance, and if he does get this job, he will take the time we are in the hospital completely off, and work from home for a week after. We're thinking that should be plenty - every mom I have talked to has said the first couple of weeks is really just about mom and baby. Dad's sometimes feel a little left out, since there really isn't much they *can* do to help, and they often have taken all this time off to watch everybody sleep and eat. Of course, if he is offered another job, that may not happen... so I get what you mean about the not knowing bugging you!

If he is really feeling like taking a bunch of time off would put him on the shame list, hiring a post partum doula might be a way for you to get the support you will need - (if I remember you are not near family right?) For our family, we focused on getting the time off when we are IN the hospital, and he will likely take some time off again in mid October (even if it is just a long weekend) right before I go back to work to help me transition easier (making freezer meals, helping get the baby used to a bottle, etc.)

ThisisNumber3

Do you have other help that will be around?   I would also look at coming up with a proposal for the work. 

1.  I would like to take 2 weeks leave without pay even though I do not qualify under FMLA 
2.  I understand the importance of the contract work and deadlines.  If there is a big deadline in this time frame, I would like to request the first week off but I would be willing to work from home the second week (or something like that). 

Also, maybe think about him offering to go into the office for part days that second week.  

Katm89

@bbyT You aren't eligible for FMLA until you have been employed fulltime for a year or 1000 hours... and since his internship doesn't count I don't believe he is eligible... I'm sure HR will tell him if he is.

@Allisun85 FX your hubby gets the job! My family is 3 hours away and my inlaws are 45 minutes... but I think having them come over would be more stressful than helpful because I would want to clean/ host and I don't want to do that. Being kind of alone and in a cave sounds nice... I just wish I could have some bonding time with My DH and baby... I'm more nervous about taking the baby out for the first time... for newborn photos and to fill out paperwork at my HR office for our baby's insurance. I do have a doula we hired for the birth so we get 1 postpartum visit anyway and then I can figure out if I need more help.

@ThisisNumber3 I think thats a great idea. I have brought that up with DH about working half days in office and coming home and working the rest from home... just to emotionally have him around. My mom will be here for a week and I have a cousin who will come by... and my BFF can come by but she doesn't have kids... may be nice to have some company though...

Katm89

@cait5413I guess we will all make it work. Nice to know I'm not alone!

ThisisNumber3

@Katm89 - Another option would be to see if he can just take off a few days while baby is born and in the hospital but have him go back to work while your mom is there.  Honestly 3 adults is kinda a lot to have sitting around to take care of a baby.  I actually enjoyed the time alone with my mom and baby when DH went back to work that first week.  He always worked shorter days (like 9-4).  

I think you also have to gauge that although 2 weeks bonding time would be wonderful, is it really worth risking his position with the company and new job. 

Katm89

@ThisisNumber3 I spoke to DH five minutes ago and asked him to talk to them. We booked a vacation almost a year ago in July and he got that approved... and I'm willing to cancel that in exchange for the time during the birth.... My mom will be in town with her little yappy dog and my dad... and honestly she will be bringing her dog over... and this dog will be yappy and trying to play with my big dog in our tiny apartment and having DH there to take care of that situation is super helpful... because I may flip out and tell my mother to leave... which I really hope I don't do... Our dog is toy and food aggressive with other dogs so we need to take his toys away and keep food separate... ugh don't get me started I'm a bit annoyed about it... but it wasn't worth the fight with my mom ... My DH would be able to keep an eye on that while I nap... where as I would have to be alert and on top of that...

So we will see what they have to say when he talks to them today. Obviously whatever they say we will work with.. I just want to know.

Edited because I forgot to add something

Curls919

My husband had been at his company under a year when DS was born. I gave birth on a Sunday. He stayed home for that week (but did try to get work done when possible) then the next week was Labor Day then Rosh Hashannah so we were lucky that he only had two days of work that week. 

This time he actually wrote the paternity leave rules for his company!  He is taking two weeks off (he'll still try to get some work done from home since no one is covering him, as he's the only lawyer for his company) then he will work from home one day a week for a month or so. 


Can your husband work from home at all during his time at home with you?  Assuming your baby isn't colicky or anything it might be sleeping a lot that first week or so (even if it's in small spurts) so he may find time to check in with work during those times. 

Katm89

@Curls919 He can definitely do his work from home since I will be breastfeeding he can't really help at night... but emotionally its nice to have him there... We have to see what they say

ShawnaLynn83

I agree with @Stephanie7693.  My husband also owns his own business and we are in a similar boat.  He is probably going to have to work the day baby is born.  While we do have a few employees they only are able to cover very small portions during the day.   He doesn't plan to close up shop because of the baby (that is a big portion of our income).  My MIL will be there to help and he will be able to come home a little bit during the day to help.   This is my first pregnancy, (second child as we adopted our first), and I know it will be a little overwhelming and busy but I am just happy that I get time off from my job in order to be at home with baby and to only focus on that. I can't imagine there will be much for my husband to do when he is at home besides make sure our 5 year old is taken care of.  That will be a ton of help!  If you've got someone there I think that will be helpful, even if it is not him.

Katm89

@ShawnaLynn83 I think I want DH there for emotionally support instead of actual help. Like to be able to cry to and vent if it gets hard.

Sekerambo

I had my first on a Thursday night so my husband had Friday and the weekend off.  He went back to work first thing Monday morning.  My mom came over for a couple days but that was it.  Honestly there isn't much to be done when they are so tiny.  They sleep so much and I made sure to sleep when baby slept.  I was glad we chose not to have my husband use his vacation time to stay home with me.  It allowed us to take a vacation once my dd was a little older.  This time he'll probably stay home a day or two but mostly because I'm worried about how hard the adjustment will be on my 2 year old.  She has my attention all of the time and I'm afraid it's going to be hard on her to have to share the attention.  

karlimonster

My bf will exhaust his sick and vacation time first, which might be a whole week if we are lucky. After that we are unsure what kind of paternity leave he will get (company under 50 people). He keeps saying his boss took 2 weeks off, but that's the boss. Hoping he can spread out the paternity leave and/or work from home on Mondays (I work T-S so M is the day I'm alone with our son) for a couple months. 

The first time around we were both unemployed (yay) and he got a new job that started 1.5 weeks after our son was born. The only reason that sucked so much was our son was in NICU for a week so it was kind of a waste.

To be perfectly honest I didn't want help, to socialize, etc with anyone at first. Those first 3 weeks were a total blur of exhaustion. I nursed, he'd pass out and then I would pass out. I hope you have a similar experience, in that you don't feel lonely and you have the help you need.

cm716

My dh has only gotten about three days off (unpaid) with our previous kids. He will do the same with this baby as he has absolutely no paid leave. Welcome to paternity leave in America, i guess.

AmandaG225

DH will be starting a new job in July so obviously he technically won't have earned any time off yet. Thankfully the company he will be working for is extremely family friendly. They are waiving the probabtionary period and are allowing DH to take 1 week off when DS arrives (unpaid). We are very lucky considering DS is estimated to arrive 1 month, if not less time, after DH starts.

Jaspertheyoungturnip

My fiance works for a very small landscaping company. It's just him and three other guys, including his boss, the owner. He'll get a week off or so when baby comes, honestly it's up to us, but it's unpaid, which I understand. We feel lucky to have basically whatever we need in terms of time. I know I will need him those days, because I have an anxiety disorder, and my medication is extremely unsafe for pregnancy and breastfeeding. I'll need him to keep me sane, and he's honestly my best support system. My mother is horrible, his mom is great and everything but she works, and we're the first of our friends to have a child so no one else would be helpful. 

1faceinacrowd

If it makes you feel any better, my daughter's dad was unable to take any time off work, other than the day she was born and the following day while we were in the hospital. He also worked weird hours (nights, weekends, mid-day shifts, etc.) so he wasn't even consistently there for meals and such. I basically did it by myself and while I wouldn't necessarily say it was EASY, it definitely wasn't as tough as I maybe thought or expected. As some others have mentioned, if you're breastfeeding then there's not much DH can do anyway. 

As for the plan this time around... My DH is a Carpenter through the union and does not get any paid time off. That said, he plans on taking a week of unpaid leave when baby arrives. But, this time around we have 2 other kids (my daughter and his son from previous relationships) so he'll be a HUGE help in making sure they're taken care of by getting them to school, helping with meals, etc. while baby and I get into the swing of things with breastfeeding, sleep schedule, etc. 
There's also a possibility that my DH will end up being a SAHD, but we're still waiting to find out how much of a raise I'm getting from work before we can make the decision on if/when that will happen. Hopefully I'll find out in the next week or two...

jaceru

My husband actually has more paternity leave than I have maternity leave!  But the plan is for him to take his after mine so we can extend the time before we have to put her in daycare. Honestly, I'm pretty sure he would just get on my nerves if we were home at the same time. 

Nikkoli98

@Allisun85, my understanding is that you have to introduce the baby to the bottle around 4 weeks, just after you have established you breastfeeding, in order for the baby to accept it. Otherwise I've heard it doesn't make for an easy transition!

Stephanie7693

@katy

ThisisNumber3

@Nikkoli98. Yes introducing a bottle around 6 weeks is a good idea. However moms still need to pump to replace that bottle feeding. So often it's easier to do a bottle feed during the day when it's easier to hook up to pump. 

Mrsrundell

My husband is on salary and has to hit a certain amount of billable hours a month so he will take the time off while I'm in the hospital and will be home/working from home for a few days after we get home to keep his hours on track for the month. There isn't an official paternity leave at his firm but, most of the guys have kids/grandkids so they understand and will be very flexible with him.  Another associate just had a baby and the partners said they want to turn one of the offices into a nursery so we can come visit and they can see the babies too haha 

His office is literally across the street from our building so he will be able to pop in during the day to take the dog down for a walk and get some cuddle time in once he goes back to work.  Our apartment is too tiny for overnight guests so I think our moms will just be visiting for the day here and there.  

Katm89

@Mrsrundell its so nice to have him so close! Lucky! Yea I'm worried about taking care of the dog while DH is away and going out with the baby... thank god for my Boba wrap because we live on the 4th floor and I'm not yet comfortable walking the stroller with the dog.... I feel like that would be a tough transition... especially since my stroller is a jogging one and is huge

SkiChic626

Hopefully your husband took this new job giving them the heads up that he'll need a little time off when the baby is born and set the expectation before they officially hired him? 

DH gets one week of paid paternity leave from his company, which is pathetic, but more than most men I know.  He could obviously take some FMLA, especially since I'll be recovering from a C-Section, so I may need extra help that first week, but we didn't need to do that last time, so hopefully the same will go for this time.  So he's going to take that one week and that's it, I want him to save the rest of his vacation for other things that we want to do and to have a buffer in case DD is sick or something.  He only took the week when DD was born, too, and it was fine.  They were pretty flexible about him leaving early if needed when he went back that first week I was home with the baby.

NBphotogirl

My husband is taking a week of vacation when I have the baby. Hopefully he will be helping, not annoying!

texasmama2014

DH is a business owner, so even though we haven't discussed it I'm assuming he might cancel meetings while I'm in the hospital, or just work lightly.  Then I assume he'll keep a fairly normal schedule after that.  Last time he was a teacher so he had 8 weeks off and it was amazing.  I'm much more confident this time, and my mom will be around if I need her. I figure she'll take DD a few days/hours per week to keep her from getting bored.  Babies and kinda boring right away (change diaper, eat, sleep (God willing), repeat.)

Mrsrundell

@katm89 the dog has been one of my biggest concerns.  Do you have any friends in the building with dogs that can come get your pup for a walk once in a while?  I'm planning on using the ergo for walks but will use the stroller as well - I decided against a jogger after reading Lucy's list and knowing how big they are based on my SIL having a BOB.  

Katm89

@SkiChic626 he has been working with them part time for over a year now... and his boss is a friend of the family... they knew about the baby around 12 weeks lol but there was no discussion because he doesn't know who his actual boss will be once he's assigned a project... I spoke to him and he gets FMLA even though he hasn't been there a year so we are hoping he can take 1 week unpaid and then 1 week where he can work from home. He wrote them an email asking... and so we will see what his boss thinks...

@Mrsrundell there isn't really anyone I trust enough. Since our dog has triggers with other dogs in our building and I don't trust other people to know who those dogs are it would be better for me to take him out... we have an all purpose trail in our back yard that I plan to use daily to walk him and get back into shape... it goes for 60 miles. I have the Boba for newborn stage... the ergo for after... and I also have a sling lol so I plan on baby wearing for the walks before I'm comfortable with the jogger... the BOB Flex is what we picked... we HAD TO have a jogger because of our lifestyle. Since we have the trail we walk daily this will do better.... and going to the beach... but also DH and I both run A LOT... and as weird as it is we like to do it together as a date and it would be nice to be able to go out again and do that...so, the jogger was essential... its not ideal for going shopping or visiting my parents in NYC so I am planning on utilizing the carriers during those times.